on motivation

here's something i'm currently frustrated about: i have adhd.

to make things worse, i have a girlfriend who thinks my problem is that i'm simply not "motivated".  and i can't can't figure out what the hell that means, because to me it seems obvious that i have plenty of motivation. 

i have a daughter to support (from a previous relationship), i have a girfriend i love that i'd like to stay with, i have a nice apartment with this girlfriend that i would like to continue to live in, there are tons of things i want to do with my life that i won't be able to do unless i gain some level of financial stability...

yet i keep wasting time--not looking for a job.  trying to focus on this is like trying to push the like poles of two magnets together--my mind just keeps sliding off to the side.

maybe i don't understand what motivation is. 

it seems like, in her mind, it's a fairly straightforward concept; motivation is what comes from motivators--those things (like daughters, girlfriends, nice apartments, and life-goals) that drive or inspire one to do constructive things. 

but, for me, there's a disconnect in there between the motivators and the actual motivation.  for me, anxiety is what comes from motivators.  in fact, the very word "motivation" causes me a considerable amount of anxiety.  it's one of those words that tormented me throughout my childhood--flung back and forth across the offices of countless teachers in those meetings with my parents where i could never see any good reason for my being there unless the intent was to humiliate me.

so i guess this is what i need to work on: connecting motivators to motivation rather than anxiety.  maybe i'll run that by my therapist.

in any case, i let my girlfriend read this before posting it, and it turns out that she thought i was just splitting hairs over concepts and semantics.  she didn't realize what it all meant to me.  hence the fight.  so now we're not fighting--so at least there's that.