How do non-ADHD spouses stay motivated to take care of themselves when the spouse doesn't notice or care either way?? Last June I started a BIG weight loss thing--I exercised and lost 20+ pounds and I looked great. Hubby liked it but also told me I looked fine before (that's nice actually, nothing I am mad about). Now things are a little rougher and I have put 5 pounds back on. Not the end of the world--this week was spring break and so I signed up for hot yoga (took five classes in 7 days) plus swam and walked a bunch. No pounds lost yet, but feeling better. And I got my hair highlighted four days ago and hubby hasn't noticed. Now, to be clear, I am a big girl and I don't do things so others notice, but it would be nice, you know. How do others keep motivated to take care of themselves when we are so busy taking care of everyone else AND no one notices anyway???
little bit of a pity party tonight I'm afraid...
Dvance Here Are Some Tips....
Submitted by kellyj on
that I think might help. I have to do the same thing with my ADHD or anything else that I do and I know how easy it is to get into thinking that makes it harder to do what you are doing. Bear with me for a minute while I do what I do for myself, with you....
The Question is.... How do others keep motivated to take care of themselves when we are so busy taking care of everyone else AND no one notices anyway???
Ask yourself.....Am I doing it for myself or other people?
If you are doing it for yourself...then it shouldn't matter if anyone notices. It won't change the reason why you are doing it whether you get approval or appreciation for it even though these things are nice to hear occasionally. But they aren't necessary and aren't a requirement. My goal is to lose weight for all the reasons I think this is good for me to do. But this is my decision to do this not anyone else's. No one is putting a gun to my head and saying I have to do this or else. Right?
You can add to this thinking by saying....I like myself just the way I am whether I am even if I have a few more pounds on me. It shouldn't make a difference to anyone else if that is the case. If it is and they are actually saying that....then that's their problem, not mine.
But if I'm the one who's decided that other people don't like me if I am carrying a few extra pounds....and then carrying that forward that they need to act or say things to either confirm or disprove my own mis-belief about myself (in thinking it's them but really it's me who thinks this) then the problem is in my own thinking, not theirs.
So....If you are doing this for other people, then not getting these things are required to let you know if you have reached their goal or expectation. And...their encouragement or disapproval is paramount because of the goal. The goal is doing it for them in the first place. Without other's approval or need for you to do it at all...then the need itself is worthless or not worth doing is therefore, unnecessary. What is wrong here is the goal and to motivate yourself or anyone else for that matter...you need to make sure that your goal is sound or else it will never work. You will continue to fail because the motivation is not there for you.....in your case you could argue that for example....the goal might be to win approval from others which is their goal not yours ( the approval ) that they have set for you instead of you deciding that you are doing it for yourself and it your goal. And your goal is not contingent on anyone else no mater what they say or do....."I'm going to do it anyway because I know it's what I want for myself and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks unless this somehow is affecting them in a negative way. If it is....then I will find a different way to do it without this negative effect on others but it won't stop me from reaching my goal."
So now the question really becomes.......How do others keep motivated.? And I just gave you the answer.
And to be fair to you or anyone who is reading this.......the question is about motivation not about all the things I just went through in my rational. Staying motivated requires you to play little games in your head like this because these thinkings that we have are the very ones that create the problems for motivation. You have to force yourself to stay positive and argue against yourself and your own thinking whether these things are wrong or not. Taking away any arguments that you have in your own head of self doubt is essential because these are the very reason why this can be so hard to do. Eliminating any reason why not to be motivated is what you have to do to stay there and this is an example of how to do it. But the arguments you make have to be ones that you believe yourself or this won't work either. if you don't believe these things yourself then this is where the battle for motivation really is being fought in the first place and you will always lose this battle if this is what is happening. You have to believe this first before you can move forward towards your goal because these thoughts or misbeleifs we carry around inside our heads are the very thing that will corrupt your goal....and as I said. If the goal is corrupted then you can't keep and stay motivated to it. It simply will not work
As a side note to this......I coached swimming for 4 years through college at the High School level after having swum for an amazing coach for many years. He taught me the same things I am saying to you here. These are universal concepts that apply to everyone and do not only apply to you or in trying to lose weight. There is truly and art to motivation and to being a good motivator like my coach....but what I learned from him is that what he was really teaching us at the time is to do this for yourself because these thinkings we have will usually begin to appear when we are struggling in the moment right at the very worst time ( say during a swim race or in the pool when we begin to get tired and sore during a work out) right at the critical moment when we need to push harder instead of telling ourselves to quit. This is a universal phenomenon of being a human being...it's what we do in those moments or anywhere else we do. The little voice that starts telling us lies to ease the pain or wants to quit is the one you have to look out for and shut down and get past to keep you on track with your goal.
FYI: One think that many people don't realize about swimming as a means of exercise. It's one of the best forms of exercise you can pick for your overall health and bang for your buck in terms of time spent and what you get from doing it. There is no argument for not swimming on all level you can think of however.....if rapid weight lose is your one and only goal ( looking skinny or thin ) It's not the best choice for exercise if this is the only criteria. Long distance running or running itself will produce faster and more results if this is the only reason to exercise at all. I understand all the reasons not to run because I personally hate doing it even though I have at different times. It's hard on my knees....I'm not a fast or efficient runner and basically on a fundamental level.......I hate running. It's my very last pick of any kind of regular exercise I can think of because I just don't like it and I won't stay with it for that reason alone. However.....fast walking or aerobic walking over a longer period of time will yeild better results than swimming in the long run if and only if ...weight loss: being skinnier is your only goal. I'm saying this from experience and sport science knowledge and I know that this can be a frustrating thing for someone who is investing themselves into it for this reason only. That's not to say to not do it at all. Like I said.....I personally am convinced that swimming is a superior means of exercise for all reasons over running...hands down. but because of it's nature and how that translates to burning body fat alone.....you will never look like a marathon runner for example no matter how much you swim. It physiologically speaking....can't happen. It will reproportion you and make you look and feel better ( lost inches and clothe sizes ) even if it doesn't show on the scale or in lost body fat in the same amounts as running for example. I re-emphasize.....the same amounts not at all and especially at first. At first if you haven't done anything....everything will do this and you will lose no matter what you do.
But you were specifically asking about motivation and this is a key thing to remember that with swimming...it is normal to lose weight at first and then notice that you seem to stop losing it after a while including body fat up to a point. ( a tapering from this initial change or improvement) You will continue however to change in shape and composition (muscle tone, profile/figure) the more you do it but this is a very common experience where people believe that it's not working or it's not doing any good because they are looking at the scale as the only means to measure the improvement. this in itself can be very very demotivating especially if you aren't aware of what I just said. There are a lot of physical reasons why this happens compared to running I won't go into but there is information about this on the web if you are really interested.
Bottom line here for you is.....don't stop swimming!!!! It's one of the best (if not the best) thing you can do for yourself. Use what I said as a means to understand it and use it as yet....another argument to keep doing it and and to stay motivated....that's what is the most important thing in conclusion here...to stay doing it.
J
Thanks J! Super helpful tips
Submitted by dvance on
Thanks J! Super helpful tips. It's not just the working out--it's everything. Youngest son starts HS in the fall and there is all the paperwork that goes with that. Clearly it must get done and I am the one to do it but MAN--it's a lot to keep in my head. Listen, I teach 6th grade and 8th grade and was recently appointed Assistant Principal. I have a master's degree and post-grad degree. I am organized and efficient. I am perfectly CAPABLE of doing everything, it's just exhausting and lonely. I worry that if I do something wrong or forget something, bad things will happen. If I make a wrong decisions it's all on me. I often don't sit down to do my own work until 9pm and the alarm goes off at 5am. It's hard to make myself do an hour of work that I know needs to get done when I have managed EVERYONE and EVERYTHING all day long and would like nothing more than to hand off the reins to someone else but the someone else is either out of town on business or went to bed early because he gets tired really easily. To make matters worse, DH not only suffers from ADD but he was hospitalized for depression and PTSD two years ago so that is always a concern. His mental health needs always come first-before me or the kids. If he is tired, he goes to bed, even if it is 8pm and there is stuff to be done. If he needs a break, he takes it no matter how much there might be to attend to. Truth be told, he drops the ball on so many things, it's not worth even asking him to take them on. I wonder how much is ADHD and depression and how much is just "this is a crappy marriage". Either way, I am on my own, no one has my back and that is lonely. Most of the time I am able to soldier on, but sometimes it's just too much.
You're Welcome Dvance...Unfortunately
Submitted by kellyj on
it does sound like your H could use this advise more than you from the sound of it;( And that's kind of built into the thing I was saying that my coach drove into our heads as far back (remembering ) when I was 8 years old. If you can picture a 2nd grader which no doubt you can, it's a lot easier to quit when things aren't easy at that age than it is to keep going anyway. I don't think we as adults are any different in most respects.....we're just better at making excuses not to do something than 2nd graders! lol No really..... During the time I was coaching swimming in college, I volunteered to teach swimming to adults who didn't know how. Let me tell you .....kids are much easier to convince to put their faces underwater than adults for the first time. Kids just whine a little, cry or complain. Adults try and reason with you.....it's pretty funny to hear all the rationalizing that we as adults can come up with for reasons not to do something in the moment. I actually had to threaten the adults sometimes to do it or to leave and not come back since they were wasting so much time trying to talk their way out of it. I said it in more words but.....it was an ultimatum any way you want to look at it. ADHD or not, everyone does this on some level and this is such a perfect example of this for me as I sit here and remember how ridiculous some of the things that these adult swimming students would come up with not to put their face in the water. It's the same with kids too (not wanting to at first).....it's just that innate resistance to doing this for the first time but then after that.....adults and kids alike don't have this problem anymore. It really is human nature to resist things like this and sometimes you need a little shove from behind. That's the little voice I was talking about. It does appear that some people's little voice is speaking loader at times than others? lol
But I think you get the point that if there isn't anyone there to push you...you have to find a way to push yourself and that really is what my couch was teaching us back then without actually saying it. This doesn't change with age either......kids just have people like you there to make sure that they do it. We on the other hand are free not to things anytime we choose. I think right there is the problem.
More than anything.....I do hear you as far as having a non-motivating factor ( ie: someone who is not helping while you do most of the work).....present which can make it extremely difficult for you stay that way yourself in the first place. And in keeping with what I was saying.....that's one of those arguments that you need to tell yourself every time it starts to get you down...."I'm am going to ignore my own irritation and frustration to this fact as legitimate as it is to feel this way....and not let it bring me down and let it be the thing that keeps me from doing XX"..... or whatever. You get the picture, lol
side note: I also just read what I said and I got carried away with the swimming...at the end I meant to say "don't stop exercising!" It's all good:)
J
It works both ways....
Submitted by c ur self on
There is nothing wrong with you feeling like he should notice....If we're all honest, I think most people feel a need to be bathed in a little appreciation from our spouses from time to time:)...Guy's do also...or at least this guy does...
We maybe big Boy's and Girls, who's main efforts to stay in descent shape is primarily for heath reasons, But, it sure makes the miles on the arc trainer seem a little easier, when my wife catches me changing and gives me a little affirmation even if it's just an approving look;)
I try to make sure I affirm her often...She's made it very clear, that's her main love language...