I’m so grateful for finding this community. I’ve been questioning my sanity and reading these posts made me feel so much better, yet so deeply saddened. I’ve only been married to my beloved for a few months but in that blink of time my world turned upside down leaving my head spinning, chronic chest pain, and overwhelmed with anxiety. The thing is my husband is a good person with no clue that his symptoms wreak havoc on everyone he encounters. He laughs off comments from others, claiming he’s just “quirky and crazy but that’s just me and I should be accepted for who I am.” Yeah, okay. But try giving your whole heart and soul to a man that leaves you feeling duped, lonely, exhausted, and crushed. I am (was) an extremely bubbly, happy, easy-going gal that can roll with change, accept, and get along with all kinds of people. I have a reputation for being a calming influence on people. Until this. Pardon me for saying, what the hell? I don’t recognize myself anymore. I get SO frustrated I sometimes get into a state I have to shut down to regroup. He made the comment I’m “controlling”. Well he can’t leave the house without forgetting something and then has to call me over and over to remember what he’s supposed to do. So I make him a list and I’m controlling? He constantly interrupts, talks incessantly, taking any conversation off into eleventy (yes, I made that number up) different directions, without ever addressing the actual issue, and yet I’m the one with the problem. “Why can’t you just let these little things go?” He has flat out lied to me and does so often, yet I don’t think he knows he’s doing it, his perception is so skewed and memory so poor. He is the king of B.S.’ing and trying to contain my eyeroll as he goes off is torture. I’ve tried talking to him about it. You all know how that went. So once I figured out what this is, started reading about ADHD and realizing this is our reality, grief came crashing down on me and I can’t shake it. I need to turn my thinking around and get my positive attitude back. I am a (smart!) middle-aged woman that is actually an idiot that got herself in WAY over her head. After an abusive 1st husband I stayed single for over 10 years so feel like I made this choice and have to deal with it. But I'm mourning the expectations I held of our relationship. He has moments of such sweetness and I do love him dearly. He noticed that I’m not myself and asks what is wrong but can’t pay attention if I try to answer. I’m lost and feel like I will not survive this.
A New Marriage Reckoning
Submitted by Shaky1 on 09/08/2021.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Your personality sounds like mine. I am accepting of others and an easygoing and a low maintenance person. After five or six years of marriage, I was questioning my sanity and no longer recognized myself when I looked in the mirror.
When you said that your husband calls you “controlling”, that struck a chord with me. That seems like gaslighting to me. Perhaps if he were to suffer the consequences of his (in)actions, he would have an epiphany? If you don’t remind him of what he is supposed to do, what then? He will eventually have to figure it out.
I am engaged to a man with ADD. We've been together almost 6 years. Before we met, my fiancé worked with a Behavioral Therapist. He told me that he was always forgetting his lunch. He placed the keys to his truck in the refrigerator on top of his lunch box so he would not forget his lunch. That solved it.
Like you, my ex-husband was abusive, verbally and emotionally. He controlled all the money. It has been over 10 years since my divorce.
About SamBamiteko’s comment: “he needs to get treatment” . That’s all well and good, but unless your husband recognizes how his behavior is negatively affecting you and your marriage, and admits that he needs help in managing his ADHD, there is not much you can do.
You can set boundaries and stick to them as best you can. After going to counseling, my therapist told me to not engage my husband when he was disrespectful. She told me to walk away. Boy did he HATE that. It drove him nuts. I would walk away; he would follow me from room to room trying to bait me. I remained stone faced and refused to engage. It was empowering.
One thing is for sure—somethings gotta give. Praying for you.
Thank you so much for your
Submitted by Shaky1 on
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I appreciate your input and suggestions that I'm definitely going to try. I go out of my way to make things easier for him and prevent issues but it doesn't always work. In those instances, I won't get trapped in a vicious cycle.
The Ugly, the Bad and the Good - cue Cowboy music
Submitted by JeanaPeana on
Shaky1, I've been where you are...a gazillion times (made up number lol). You are not alone. There is hope for him if he chooses to embrace it. It may take some time. Meanwhile, you must find peace and help and boundaries for yourself. I've been married 30+ years and recently found out about this world of ADHD.
UGLY - Your comment, " leaves you feeling duped, lonely, exhausted, and crushed." resonates with me. Duped - I feel like a chump for believing him again and again. So many ways to feel hurt/betrayed etc but that feeling of being played or fooled...AGAIN and being hurt/angry at him, but more at myself for falling for it...that hits you at a different level. That makes you feel crazy and stupid. You end up not trusting yourself. Lonely - At times, I have felt alone sitting right next to him. Wondering if I expect too much? Exhausted - It feels like I am in charge of my life and his. I have a husband/child, not a husband/man. Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. Crushed - Oh man, how many times and different ways has he crushed my soul? Sadly, too many to keep track of. New situations happen so frequently that the old hurts fall off the list. He is a wonderful person and I feel like I would not have put up with all this if I didn't think he was worth it or that he could/would change/adjust. If you made a pro/con list of staying with him, I should have left year one and so many times after that. I don't know what I saw/felt that made me WANT to keep trying. As ugly as things got, I always felt as if he didn't want to be the way he was. First you need to decide if you WANT to keep trying and/or if you feel like he WANTS to be different.
BAD - We did marriage counseling a couple of times and he did personal counseling as well. But no one ever connected his actions with ADHD. He improved off and on but I felt like he really never understood his own actions. I have learned that just like your physical health, you have to take charge of your mental health as well. Drs and counselors care, but no one feels what you do. They never seem to have the same urgency that you do. Do research! Ask questions. Keep asking for help, advice and most of all action. If you don't like a dr/counselor, find another one. I got to a point where I said I was putting up a wall. I can't go on like this - feeling like I keep getting blindsided. I love him, but I won't be "all in" for my own sanity. He didn't like that idea much at all. First threatened to leave to which I said OK, go. Second tried same old apology routine, "I'll try harder", etc I said YOU do whatever YOU need to do or can do. I am going to start thinking of myself and emotionally distancing myself from you so I don't get hurt so much. We have had these type of conversations many, many times. I think he saw that this time was different ...for me. He told me it scared him to see me that way and to think that his actions had changed my personality. At any rate...that led to the GOOD part.
GOOD - I found the symptoms of ADHD and read them to him. He didn't think he had any until we talked further about each one and I gave him some examples. He agreed he needed to go see someone. Dr agreed and husband tried one medication that he didn't like the side effects. He's now on another and its been a few months and we're pretty happy with it. For a while, husband didn't see any changes, but I did. Now we both notice how differently we interact. I only wish we had found out about ADHD and treatment options a long, long, long, long time ago. :) Husband is on Welbutrin which is for depression but dr says it also helps with ADHD. I can't tell you how many times I have been shocked in a good way at how he acts or what he says. He is just more present with me. We discuss things without arguments. He's read some books on ADHD and also found out what works for him - i.e. not looking at me when I'm talking because he is really focusing on what I'm saying - trying not to be distracted by anything else. Prior to meds, he said he looked at me but his mind would just wander as I was talking so he didn't really hear it all. He says he doesn't feel so scattered anymore.
So...I want you to know that you are not an idiot. You care for someone who's brain functions in a way you can't comprehend. Also, it's perfectly understandable to be overwhelmed, feeling like ADHD is a life sentence...for you. Once we both learned more about ADHD, we felt like we were solving problems together. About 4 years ago my husband was in a car accident that left him with serious injuries along with foot drop and no feeling in his foot. He wears a brace and walks differently. It's been a learning curve as to what he can and how he can do things differently. That's how we approached ADHD. We are happy that we finally know what we are dealing with. There's still no easy, quick answers but it's hopeful...still hard work, but hopeful. :) But remember...no matter what/when he decides, you still need to take steps to take care of you.
“Taking care of myself doesn’t mean ‘me first.’ It means ‘me, too.”
― L.R. Knost
You get it.
Submitted by Shaky1 on
I feel seen and understood. Thank you so much for that. My hub will have a few moments of semi-normal and I'm absolutely gleeful with relief only for him to go off again and send me straight back into the tornado of confusion. Last night he went off on a tangent and I looked him straight in face and said, "I'm not going to engage. I will not argue with you." and shut him out. He didn't know what to do with that. He said I was being selfish. I replied that I'm protecting myself from being hurt by you, if you call that selfish, so be it. So I will remember that quote, 'me,too." I don't think he believes he has ADHD but after last night, when I asked, he is willing to be evaluated. I just hope he doesn't go in and say I'm fine, everything is fine and cover up his true self. If a doctor would just talk to him 5 minutes it would be obvious, as the man can NOT stop talking. He's incessant and takes over in any conversation forgetting any semblance of common courtesy. I feel bad that I get embarrassed by it and should remember his behavior is on him. I actually avoided a work social function because the idea of dealing with him being so loud and ill-mannered having to be the center of attention was just too much, but that's on me. It is definitely a journey to learn how to navigate the issues. I sincerely appreciate the input.
Submitted by c ur self on
I was you in 2008, at age 50 after I lost my first wife of 30 years to Breast C....I want go through all the behaviors that created loads of stress and anxiety in me, because based your post you are living it.....I just want to say this...My marriage, and your's can't be lived out like two aware people!... It's not happening!.....I become angry and bitter trying to point out how I felt, based on her actions...All those actions and behaviors you listed in your post.....What I finally realized was what your husband told you....It's who she is!....I didn't get that for years....Thought it was intentional, and would say things like...***NO body lives this away***...LOL...I was so wrong, she does....
My wife has changed in spirit, but, not in behavioral reality....It's who she is....You and I (and any who lives with this mind type) cannot ask ourselves what we want, or what we vowed, we get the reality of the person, no matter what they have said or vowed..Period! ...Ask yourself how can my life be peaceful and abide with him? In other words, we must ask this question: What is possible being one with him, and still have my peace??
I have many boundaries that I place on myself, and our marriage.....Any thing that has proved we can't share in, that will cause stress and conflict...I've learned to refuse to attempt to share in it...Unless we have 100% agreement...I can share if you are interested.....
Those lie's you talked about, most high level adder's live with a lot of shame (memory, distraction, disorganization, some are messy, hoarding tendencies, clothes every where, wreck the bathroom, wreck the kitchen, leave things all over the counters, tables, many don't use their closets, or drawers, piles their clothes in chairs, want clean, (unless visitors are coming) except for shame cleaning, can't get to sleep, can't get up, etc...
The biggest mistake you can make is mothering him, becoming codependent...Don't look at his life, and try to manage it for him...He was fine in his mind before he meet you, and he will be fine when you are gone...Never try to think for him...It' will only destroy you and create stress....WE have to remember, they see themselves (their lives) as happy and fine...So are going to hell in our spirit's and emotions trying to force them to see their not fine??? Not me, not any longer....I had to turn my focus on my life! ....
It has nothing to do with love....
I wish you great succuss, in accepting who he is, and how he is going to live, (with you are without you) and what you must do, to have a peaceful life.....
C- this was very eye-opening
Submitted by Shaky1 on
C- this was very eye-opening and I deeply appreciate your sharing your wisdom. I'm saving your words to read over as a reminder when I hit those walls of despair. You're absolutely right. There is nothing wrong with him, he's happy! In HIS mind. I have to make my own boundaries for my sanity. I'd be very interested and grateful to hear anything you're willing to share with me.
There are things we must come to peace with.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Because we are all different, and our marriage dynamics are different, only you can know what area's of life will need boundaries....We have to be at peace with certain things: Like everyone's life is important....No one should have to shoulder unreasonably intrusive behaviors and life styles, from their healthy adult spouse....We have to come to grips with certain emotions or expectations we may be putting on ourselves: (I'm not wrong or disrespectful to calmly set boundaries, that limit sharing in certain area's that has always proved to create conflict, and/or dysfunction in our relationship)...(No matter what others can accomplish in their martial relationships)
A few things I would add for you to consider....Never make these decisions' when you are angry, or emotionally stressed out...And try to be the fly on the wall when considering boundaries....Try to pretend you are talking to a friend, who is telling you this life story...And you know both her and her husband...And, you like them both, but, you can understand how overwhelming her husband's personality and attitudes can be, and how different they are...
A few boundaries that stopped a lot of our conflict....(Not sharing finances, doing separate tax returns, married filing separate, Driving separate cars or I drive if together, Either preplanning any trips, with 100% agreements, or doing separate vacations...I wear ear plugs to sleep to avoid her hectic life, we have no TV in our bedroom..I take full responsibility for my emotions, no matter what she is doing or not doing. There will always be little difference's in marriage we have to endure, (add or not) so don't hyper focus on every little thing (It's easy to do once we allow our minds to take a protective stance for our own peace....
I don't know what you will experience from him, once you start setting boundaries to protect the relationship. (And don't forget that is exactly what a boundary does) Because if you both can't live in the only manner you feel is acceptable, it's very hard to sustain a good attitude about you marriage relationship, marriage is work, but, it's a work of love and commitment, which should be wonderful.....My wife was angry when I set boundaries, she let out cuss words when I told her little things she did not want to hear....Many adders have this control thing going on, (She does) that she likes to call spontaneity....But you will find out if it's spontaneity or control, when you say, no thank you, to those right now idea's;)....Spontaneity has no emotional out bursts or pouting linked to it....Control does..:)
Peace is the goal
Submitted by Shaky1 on
I appreciate this insight. I realize any marriage requires effort and is a work in progress. I just have to come to terms that this one is going to take alternative measures to keep the chaos, mess, and irresponsibility at bay. As you mentioned, it's especially difficult because the ADHD partner is perfectly happy in their world, having no idea there is any problem. In his mind, I'm the problem when I don't cater to his every incessant need or cannot comprehend his ridiculous line (s) of thinking.... sigh. He will bellow out from across the house expecting me to come running, or interrupt a phone conversation ( Where's my shirt! Where is it!? Where?!) but I can talk to him 3 feet away and he's totally zoned out, no acknowledgement, not even a flinch. So I'm supposed to respond to him immediately, yet he can completely ignore me. I feel petty to "sweat the small stuff" but when you are bombarded with this reality, the small things become arrows puncturing more and more holes into an already battered heart. Being a Highly Sensitive Person doesn't help, so I have to retrain myself to deflect those arrows. I knew getting remarried would be a learning curve, I just didn't expect it to have hairpin turns every few feet. Again, C, I'm grateful.
A few coping tips
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Shaky. I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. In terms of your original post, I can relate to everything you said. I have recently left my ADHD husband, but over 20 years, I learned a few tricks to somewhat alleviate some of the issues you mentioned:
For the mess, my husband had his own room... it could be as messy as he wanted. I wanted the rest of the house clean. No, he didn't clear his own clutter and put it in the room, but it gave me one place that was a dumping ground for the piles of messes he'd create everywhere. I could throw everything in there and still have company over without feeling obligated to solve each of his messes at the granular level. I will tell you, that one room became unbearable, but it was one room with a closed door and I could live with that. We also hired housecleaners that came every two weeks. This forced him to clear the clutter so they could actually clean. I still did a lot more of this pre-clean prep work, but at least the house looked good every two weeks and we could have friends over (strategically I booked the cleanings for Fridays so I could invite people over on Saturdays).
In terms of the yelling across the house. I just drew a boundary. If he bellowed out something or that he was looking for something, I did not budge. I acted like I didn't hear him. It took practice on my part because I'm naturally a very responsive person. My husband, like yours, expected me to run to him when he called. I finally decided that if he needs something, HE should be the one to get up to come to me. And I refused to scream back. It annoyed him, but he learned that I would not respond to that. This helped him in solving some of his own issues rather than having me do it for him and also resulted in him learning that he had to get up and come to me if he wanted to talk (not too much to ask!).
For interrupting phone calls, which was a daily event for me as well, I drew the same boundary. I told him several times that when I'm on the phone, he can't talk to me because I can't have two conversations at once and it is rude to the person on the phone. I told him enough times so that I didn't feel bad when I simply started ignoring him if he talked to me. If he was very incessant, I would leave the room, sometimes even going into our garage. He learned that I would not respond to him while on the phone, which slightly lessened how often he would interrupt.
For lost items or things he was looking for, I just stopped helping. I made myself crazy helping him look for his lost wallet, keys, phone, etc. for years. I decided they were his responsibility (they are) and I would tell him I hadn't seen whatever it was he was looking for. Then I would simply continue what I was doing and not participate in his rampage. If necessary, I would take a walk or a shower until the lost item was found.
I will say in terms of keeping the peace, MY life improved after implementing these strategies. It was a huge relief. However, my husband remained annoyed at most of these boundaries throughout our marriage and would still push them constantly (hopefully not to be a jerk, but because ADHD meant he was impulsive and forgetful).
Very Sound Tips
Submitted by Shaky1 on
1Melody1, I sincerely appreciate this input from your 20 years of experience. Wow. It makes my heart ache for you that you have so much wisdom on the subject and understand all too well the feelings that come with it. I am the type to take care of everyone, so it goes against my grain to ignore him, but I'm finding for my sanity, I have to at times. Yesterday I sat in the corner of my home working with huge tears dripping because he's on other end watching TV yelling at me. I had to fight not to give into my nature to run and accommodate him. He then sends me a message on cell phone saying, "Can't you hear me?" I ignored that too. But once I got over MY OWN aversion to ignoring the man I love dearly, he came strolling in like no big deal at all, "Oh, you're working?" . Totally oblivious. You'd think it's a national emergency when he's yelling for me, but if I tune out and have him come to me, it's always something little like, "Where are the new batteries?" So I'm learning in a crash-course way. Just as C Ur Self mentioned, he did fine before me, he can find items without me and I don't have to get into a frantic, anxiety, hot mess.
Once again thank you C-
Submitted by C-love (not verified) on
Thank you C- I purposely got on here this morning to read something from you as you live in a world of peace now. My ADHD husband has been responding so different since I have reacted differently and been kind. So much so that I wrote a post on a positive report. I will stand by the post because its in obedience to what God is asking me to do in my marriage. However I have had about 5 hours of sleep after my loving sweet kind husband who has been listening to Melissa's book and apologizing for his ADHD symptoms snapped on me last night. I thought we were out of the woods on a path of working together differently. He literally woke me up out of a dead sleep last night because he was still awake to tell me something I didnt agree with. Without to much detail one of those ADHD promises that they seem so committed to doing but change their mind within 3 hours and go back on their word. It drives me literally nuts because my idea of integrity is to do what you say you will do. He is 50/50 on that. Of course my tone was irriatated becuase I was sleeping so I disagreed with his decision. He turned it into an argument and I rolled over and tried to go to sleep telling him I wasnt going to fight. 2 hours later I wake up to use the bathroom and he is awake and rolls over to try and fight with me once again. Tells me " You flipped out and ruined the whole night" When I try and explain to him once again what really happened he interrupts me, cuts me off and says "Your controlling, always has to be the way you think, the way you want, how about this, how about I am going to do whatever I want whenever I want , how about that" Of course I try reasoning with him stating things like, lets lean in babe, i am not your enemy stop fighting with me, i am not controlling you, blah blah. I stopped once I realized his tone was dripping with disdain and he escalated in his voice back turned to me going off on a tangent. I walked out of the room downstairs as he continued to say horrible things about my character that are not true. He never calls me cuss names but character assassination is in full affect. So here I sit with 5 hours of sleep trying to figure out if i just leave it or bring it up? I have read this board for over an hour reading Melissa's posts on what to do. I am terrified to bring things up when we were doing so well for 2 weeks and now back to old Jekyl and Hyde. I must have had Hyde for a good while but cannot stand this Jekyl side of him. Do I bring it up? He will act today as if nothing is wrong. Or he will act as if its all my fault. I dont even care to be heard anymore as much as I care about my peace. I would say this is the first time I have considered not resolving or working through it because of the cycle. But is that what God wants. I am not sure anymore. One of my favorite Christian Authors just chose to divorce her husband saying God removed her. I often wonder what the right thing to do is when it comes to this mental anguish and verbal abuse he puts me through. He gaslights me and due to my trauma over narcassistic abuse from my oldest son, ex husband and sister I am doing all I can to figure out ME. I guess my question is do you pick your battles and which ones? Do i just let this slide and look at him as mentally disabled? I feel like I should. He often references himself this way. Either way its upsetting as we were on such a good streak. I dont want my entire weekend ruined and the only way it wont be is if I choose not to say a word.
Submitted by c ur self on
Laying their awake in a self absorbed mind, framing together all the reason's why it's your fault....If you verbally respond you've lost....He has no ability of ownership...Only blame...Most self absorbed add minds are the same....No quiet voice of reason and truth can't
be heard....You speak you lose....
You and I and people in our situation can enjoy the calm moments of fellowship, but, if we don't accept, realize and expect the self absorbed mind of denial to flare up when they can't force their will or when life seems bad for them, then we lose....***We have to know when we've lost them***
You have to be able to laugh at their threats (their goal is to push your buttons, and draw you into confrontation) in these moments, and KNOW better to think they can HEAR any truth or have any type of CALM verbal exchange...We lose if we can't disassociate with their emotion, and not speak....
Just roll over and start praying, I suggest those foam ear plugs....I buy them by the large jar or bag...I've used the purple color for years, but, just bought some light brown one's which are a little smaller....I really find a deeper peace and rest because of her unthinking noisiness and her snoring :)....She will just start talking even when I'm on my knee's praying....It's the mind....
Do not allow yourself to be part of arguments and conflict...Learn to hate it....Learn to talk to yourself, to us here, just anything but to a confrontational mind...Brick walls can't hear, and they can't comprehend....It's fixed in stone....And that is an adhd mind in denial, and reved up emotionally...We always lose attempting verbal communication...
I am praying for you, and I know you can do this....Be the fly on the wall and see the reality of it all.....You've got to realize only "YOU" can keep yourself from having a good weekend....You are God's daughter!
Married to ADD for 27 years
Submitted by szarycki on
Hello, I'm not quite sure where to start. Reading your post took me back over the last 27 years+ ... to when my husband and I were first getting married. I truly had no idea what was going on as I was not familiar with ADD and apparently he and his family were not either. Nothing was ever what it seemed or what he said. He never planned anything. He has never been on time for anything. He has very little empathy. Can start a project but does not finish them. Has lost numerous jobs which caused us to move multiple times. It's been hard. I did my best to stay positive and make the best of everything. I have lived with this for a long time, slowly losing myself as you described. I raised our three children, including one child with special needs (he is 15 now) and although I have had hope off and on over the years that the situation would improve, I don't believe it will. I grew up with a very strong sense of commitment, was taught to never quit, and I converted to Catholicism. He uses all of that against me. So for many reasons, mostly wanting to hold my family together, I have continued to move forward. However, I am very tired and at the point where I want to at least look at separation. We just moved to Texas and that doesn't look like an option. I'm wondering if anyone has advice or can provide resources.
Thank you, Suzanne
Submitted by c ur self on
Your situation sounds very familiar...Have you attempted placing boundaries on yourself, him and the relationship? I would purchase Melissa's book "The Effects of ADHD on marriage" he needs to read it, if he will...I understand completely about how spouse's that are users, use a believers (Spirit) attitude's toward love, commitment and life, against them....I too have been used this way for years....What helped change my wife to a degree in this area, was boundaries and the fact I eventually came to peace with leaving (permanent separation) for the best interest of us all.
As long as I was just there to be used, she kept that user's mentality, with no remorse, and no empathy or any consideration for her actions....My wife has changed more and more as these boundaries (no enabling on my part, forcing accountability by not engaging in conversations or activities that does not build up the marriage, or bring glory to the Father) have become the norm.; in our relationship....
Our boundaries have to be just as unyielding, as their desire to use and live irresponsibly in so many ways....It's not spite, it's not unloving, and it's not disrespectful, to manage our own lives in a way to avoid being used and overloaded by someone who refuses to see the intrusive/abusive nature of their behaviors....
Boundaries wisely and peacefully breaks up their gravy train w/o a word on our part....
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I can relate to almost everything in your post. I was with my ADHD husband for 20+ years. I just left this year with a teen-aged daughter.
You mentioned you no longer have hope the situation will improve. I felt the same way. As long as the ADHD partner remains unwilling to change or unable to see the impact of the ADHD on the relationship, there is only so much the non-ADHD spouse can do. The situation will not magically get better - our ADHD spouses are often perfectly happy with exactly how things are, so why change anything? With little empathy, like your husband, mine did not care or understand that I was drowning, depressed and miserable. As long as he was happy and I was taking care of everything, life was good.
I would highly recommend getting a therapist just for you. Talking my situation through with a neutral third party was unbelievably helpful. I didn't do therapy for long, but it quickly offered me many new perspectives on my situation. Honestly, it ended up helping me feel confident in my choice to finally leave, which I am grateful for. The relief is unbelievable. I am healthier and our daughter is actually much happier.
Wishing you the best no matter what you decide is best for you. Some people seem to be able to make it work, however, I believe in those cases, the ADHD partner is working as hard or harder as the non-ADHD partner on the issues and relationship. ♥
Your 27 year ride
Submitted by Shaky1 on
I'm sorry that my post struck a nerve. There is some very good advice on this board and I highly recommend that you do some reading of both Melissa's posts and those of others with good insight. However be aware sometimes reading too much can sink you into deep despair. I found myself so low as I read about what felt like an inevitable doom to my marriage. So keep it balanced, reading what helps you, not depresses you. I searched C Urself's posts and found a lot of help there. I'm trying to retrain my own brain to stop negative, downward thoughts and setting the boundaries so often spoken of to protect my mental and emotional state. It is working but there are good and bad days. When my husband was young he was in an accident that makes me wonder if he doesn't have damage on top of ADHD. One of the hardest parts for me was the "lies" I caught my husband in. How can I trust him? Then someone here suggested researching Confabulation and it made me realize in my husbands mind, he wasn't lying, it was the version of truth his memory-poor brain fed him. While it was still hard to stomach, I realized it wasn't intentional deception and is linked to brain damage. One such story had me ready to leave, but when I confronted him with the evidence that his "truth" was in fact wrong, the look of horror, confusion, and his remorse caused me to re-evaluate. He then agreed to see a doctor and an assessment. These things we learn al long the way can help us to have a better understanding and empathy.
Thank you for sharing
Submitted by goldenchild321 on
I read your post a few weeks ago after coming out of a relationship with my adhd ex and just wanted to say thank you for sharing. I felt everything you described even down to her being a wonderful woman. This was one of the most confusing situations I've ever experienced to the point that for therapy I come on and read other peoples stories as I pick up the pieces and move on. I felt so alone for so long and am grateful for this community. I personally hope you find peace and grace within yourself as you navigate. I remembered first reading your story and understanding how real this all is along with some since of clarity that I'm not alone. You have a heart of gold and I wish you peace and blessings. Thank you for sharing it helped me a lot mentally.