I just need to get things out in order to gain some clarity. My ADHD partner wants me to join him in his home country. For me it would mean having to rely on him at least for a while as I would have to learn the language in order to qualify for jobs. It does not seem that he will be much help in me finding a job either. He seems to be sure that he will find a job, but has struggled with it in the past. We are currently living in third country and he does not have a job (lives on unemployment benefits). In the past he has multiple times overspent and left me paying his part of the rent. He is doing better financially these days, but is still challenged by a lot of things. However, I have to admit that he has definitely put in an effort.
What concerns me more is what I perceive his somewhat selfish behavior. He is not willing to discuss any other options and he tells me that having a family with me would be a comprmise. In his ideal life he would choose a rather unsteady career over a family. It angers and hurts me the way he makes the relationship and having a family somewhat my issue and hence also assumes that I will have to go to lengths to make it happen. He does not even consider moving to my home country. OK, I can understand his concerns about this. But somehow the way he presents everything makes me really doubt the relationship. He gets angry at me for not making a decision- whether I want to follow him or not. He tells me that this is just because I want to have a family, otherwise we could continue in our current country of residence where he could pursue the career of his dreams. It seems to me that he is making everything sound like a giant favor to me and has very little concern for my feelings. In addition, when we were still discussing him moving to my home country, I actually asked around, looked at job anouncements, gave him multiple suggestions- which he thought were all worthless. He has not asked around, not looked at any jobs, but just assumes me to find a job on my own. He has also told me that if I am not following him, we will be breaking up.
I feel like a battered wife. Like someone who is manipulated into decision and whose concerns and emotions are not relevant. I have felt like this in the past as well with several other topics which I have brought up, such as him flirting with other women. He made the whole issue about my insecurities as a woman, neglecting his role in it. Now I feel that he is again trying to override me with his wishes and concerns and telling me that it is his way or highway. I feel that I have kept changing and changing, compromising and compromising and all I get for this is him expecting me to even go further. When I offered my moving to my homecountry as an option, he called me selfish and told me how I want to make him give up everything. Option to move to his homecountry however is still somehow a favor to me- because it gives us an option to have kids. I somehow feel that he is twisting everything.
I know I could manage moving, but I am having my doubts about a partner who I feel does not take my concerns seriously and often puts them off as a sign of my personal misgivings (he actually told me that me wanting to have kids is a sign of me feeling unlovable and wanting a child to compensate for this feeling). Am I overreacting? I feel I need an opinion of a bystander. I feel that something is wrong here, but I am not sure if my instincts and feelings are right.