Hi all,
I just need to get things out in order to gain some clarity. My ADHD partner wants me to join him in his home country. For me it would mean having to rely on him at least for a while as I would have to learn the language in order to qualify for jobs. It does not seem that he will be much help in me finding a job either. He seems to be sure that he will find a job, but has struggled with it in the past. We are currently living in third country and he does not have a job (lives on unemployment benefits). In the past he has multiple times overspent and left me paying his part of the rent. He is doing better financially these days, but is still challenged by a lot of things. However, I have to admit that he has definitely put in an effort.
What concerns me more is what I perceive his somewhat selfish behavior. He is not willing to discuss any other options and he tells me that having a family with me would be a comprmise. In his ideal life he would choose a rather unsteady career over a family. It angers and hurts me the way he makes the relationship and having a family somewhat my issue and hence also assumes that I will have to go to lengths to make it happen. He does not even consider moving to my home country. OK, I can understand his concerns about this. But somehow the way he presents everything makes me really doubt the relationship. He gets angry at me for not making a decision- whether I want to follow him or not. He tells me that this is just because I want to have a family, otherwise we could continue in our current country of residence where he could pursue the career of his dreams. It seems to me that he is making everything sound like a giant favor to me and has very little concern for my feelings. In addition, when we were still discussing him moving to my home country, I actually asked around, looked at job anouncements, gave him multiple suggestions- which he thought were all worthless. He has not asked around, not looked at any jobs, but just assumes me to find a job on my own. He has also told me that if I am not following him, we will be breaking up.
I feel like a battered wife. Like someone who is manipulated into decision and whose concerns and emotions are not relevant. I have felt like this in the past as well with several other topics which I have brought up, such as him flirting with other women. He made the whole issue about my insecurities as a woman, neglecting his role in it. Now I feel that he is again trying to override me with his wishes and concerns and telling me that it is his way or highway. I feel that I have kept changing and changing, compromising and compromising and all I get for this is him expecting me to even go further. When I offered my moving to my homecountry as an option, he called me selfish and told me how I want to make him give up everything. Option to move to his homecountry however is still somehow a favor to me- because it gives us an option to have kids. I somehow feel that he is twisting everything.
I know I could manage moving, but I am having my doubts about a partner who I feel does not take my concerns seriously and often puts them off as a sign of my personal misgivings (he actually told me that me wanting to have kids is a sign of me feeling unlovable and wanting a child to compensate for this feeling). Am I overreacting? I feel I need an opinion of a bystander. I feel that something is wrong here, but I am not sure if my instincts and feelings are right.
Sigh.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
As a woman who was in a marriage to an abusive man for 17 years, I would urge you to take a good hard look at your relationship. Your partner sounds very selfish and self absorbed. A relationship is about the 2 people involved. Not one person who gets their way all the time.
The thing about him flirting with other women is bullcrap. We all need to set boundaries for ourselves, and you are no exception. Boundaries make for happier, healthier relationships. I am currently reading books on this topic, because I have problems with setting boundaries. If his flirting with other women bothers you, makes you feel bad, sick to your stomach, etc., you have a right to say that this behavior is unacceptable to you.
You wrote: (he actually told me that me wanting to have kids is a sign of me feeling unlovable and wanting a child to compensate for this feeling): This is crap. If having a family is important to you, you need to decide how important. I was married and had two children with my now ex husband. I didn't have children to fill a void inside of me, or to feel "lovable".
I lost myself in my marriage. My needs were not important to my husband. It was his way or no way. I became a person that I didn't want to look at in a mirror. I was strong, independent, joyful and full of life. I became like a beaten dog, cowering, eyes downcast, avoiding interaction with my husband as much as I could. I felt worthless, ugly and stupid...completely unlovable. I allowed him to treat me like crap for years, in part due to my history of depression and low self esteem. I am happier now than I ever was with him. I am much healthier emotionally....
I wish you the best and my heart goes out to you. Don't give up who you are, and your hopes and dreams.
There is a saying: "Don't make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs."
Thank you for your response
Submitted by waldewin on
Thank you for your response Adele, I appreciate it. I think my story is not as extreme as yours, but I am noticing how in the past most of our arguments were ended by him just telling me that I have a complex around some issue. That was it. The pattern was thereby out of discussion and I was out to therapy to solve my issue.
It has gone better ever since I started sticking out for myself and becoming as argumentative as he is. I can now stand my ground and he has started to admit his faults.
I think my main problem seems to be related to the fact that he does not see things from the perspective of relationship. It is him and me, but no us. In my mind, him stating that moving to his home country would be a compromise or even a favor to me, illustrates this point. His is actually telling me to be happy that he agrees to consider having kids with me.
I guess I just feel like I have to constantly somehow run around and worry about making things work in the relationship. I do not feel things getting any easier because I have gone through extensive therapy. If anything I feel that they have become more difficult and I do not understand why. I really cannot understand anymore what our problem is, why does everything come so difficult? Why do I feel so taken a back and hurt? I feel I need to make sense of this before I can make any conclusive decisions about the relationship.
I feel the same way
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
I have definitely noticed the him and me but no us. It's a lonely feeling. I also deal with the issue of being told it's my problem, without any acknowledgement that he did something suspect or questionable. My husband has also started to acknowledge he might be part of the problem.
I think taking your time is a smart decision, although I think if you want children, you don't always have years to wait. I think you are definitely at a decision point. In the end, it doesn't really sound like he wants to have children. Believe him on that point. Otherwise you will be fighting it your whole life. It's perfectly fine if you want children. It's perfectly fine if he doesn't want children. Accept that. And move around that or move on. Its hard and sometimes lonely raising children, especially when they are very young. It would be even lonelier with someone who doesn't want them in the first place. Good luck with your decision. I would be reluctant to sacrifice myself for anything but full acceptance and love. There are men out there that do want children. This is only my opinion though, and you know yourself best.
What can I say but thank you.
Submitted by waldewin on
What can I say but thank you. It is amazing on how similar the experiences can be. My problem, partially is that I do not even believe at this point that it could be different with anyone else. I grew up with very selfish parents and neither of them was concerned about my needs. My father neither even supported us financially, not to mention showing any interest in meeting me. My mother was most of the time occupied with work and shipped me to my grandparents whenever she could (at some point they died, so I just stayed at home alone and had to take care of everything on my own). So I have now idea how mutually supportive and fulfilling relationship looks like and I am also used to desperately fighting for the love and approval of my loved ones. Now that I am trying to enforce my needs myself, I get the resistance from my boyfriend who is of the opinion that I get everything in the relationship.
He tells me that he needs to be my psychologist, that I he cannot spend any free time together with me because we do not have any common hobbies and bring out many other problems, which he deems to be mostly my issues. It feels somehow degrading. I feel like he is constantly still putting me down and telling me that the fact that he postpones having a family with me is my fault. Today he told me that it is foolish of me to expect that he wants to have family with me if I am no fun to be around on a regular day. Even though he also regularly tells me that he loves me, such an attitude still hurts me. It seems like it is my job to convince him to plan a future with me and that he thinks I am failing at it.
In my dreams I always imagined planning family together with someone and not like a constant power game. It seems that my boyfriend would be OK with having kids, but he wants to have them only on his terms and when he decides it is time. He tells me he loves kids and that he definitely imagines himself as a father in the future, but he does not want to have them at all cost. However, to me it seems more that he seems to have them totally costless, meaning he still imagines that his life will not change a bit. Couple of days ago he told me that he assumes that he will not have to wake up a night at all when we have a baby because he will not be efficient if he has not slept for 8 hours. He also told me that he still wants to visit his friends regularly if we stay in a foreign country and that he does not care how much it costs. All of this to me sounds like he is totally unaware of having any duties upon having a child and imagines that he can be as free as before and is unwilling to make any changes in his life in order to plan a family.