Moving over here

Well my original post said I was trying. Since I'm not. I thought I'd move over here since I'm birthing a new me. I need to talk to him, I'll need help. He is going over the top. This a.m. He pointed out that he's rock and rolling, chores done etc. He even IRONED my son's band pant's..he was afraid to do the jacket so he left a note by the coffee pot to ask me to finish that. A NOTE !! He kept asking me what was wrong, why I was so peevish.

I found out he had been looking for a gift for me for Christmas.(he thought he deleted the history on my computer) This on the heels of our family discussion about how tight our finances were and that there would be no gifts. I have set aside something for my son and he already opened his PSP gift from my daughter.(That was a slap in our faces btw..but I digress)

The gift he was looking at, an adult swing. I'll stop there. at this juncture if you see me carrying a shovel and dragging a huge trash bag behind me. Don't ask Don't tell. My friends would be with me saying the hole's not deep enough. They are sick of it all too.

I can see it now..PA "because he ironed your son's pants, did all his chores, and bought you a woohoo adult toy"... oh yeah they couldn't pad the cell thick enough.

Help me make him understand PLEASE

Topaz re: moving over here

Nice. *looks around approvingly*  I like your new digs. Has it got a basement? *arched brow*

Perhaps- in light of your current emotional state (and his hyperfocus) - this isn't the best time for a substantive talk with him?  Do you not feel that you might be better off waiting for your angst to recede at bit?  It has been my experience that the talks we have had under those conditions were the worst.  Just saying...

New Digs

Hey thanks, Clean slate. Lots of potential. We may need to build a basement if this is going where I think it is. You're right. The short conversation we did have, can you say woooo "hand going over my head" He basically said This is how I roll . Then, look we've been together twenty years and bam I'm supposed to think of you and live with you like you're a roommate?  I told him I NEED my space. He's like ,fine, can we have sex first? My eyes are twitching.

I said you know I may have to leave ..this isn't working.. He says ok ok mediocre sex laughing. omg I can't get out of here soon enough...He gets ready for work and says, as he departs. Ok see ya in a little while for lunch, love you!  Makes me want to cook that turkey still in the mudroom that he forgot to put in the freezer..I am becoming a horrible person...

Deep Breath

I have a concern, my son really thinks he should stay with his dad. He honestly is afraid, he thinks his Dad is helpless. He loves him. He also has a girl and you know how that goes.

I want to make sure my hubby is in treatment or I fear for my son. Yet I need to work on me and taking steps to get out of Dodge. Where do I draw the line and still feel like I'm not leaving my son in a precarious situation?

Topaz re: concerns for son

I hear you there.  It is wonderful when a son loves and is devoted to his father.  However.  It is an unsettling prospect to feel as if your son is being set up to be the new "caregiver".  I don't know what to think of that.  It is a difficult situation.  What is "good" vs what is "right".

good vs right

I know I only I can "make" myself feel whatever. Nice in theory but when you have to use all your energy to focus on feelings and responses day in and day out, no energy to function.

I walk around with this swirling vortex that was once my brain. So here I get to be the bad guy again. If I yank my son out of his school where he has an AWESOME mentor, friends and a gf...I have RUINED his life...

Or do I leave him possibly at risk for being homeless hungry or in physical danger.. ie: hubby forgetting to turn off gas stove, making bonfire in fireplace....I won't be staying in this city..then the legal ramifications, If I leave without my son..custody issues...I abandoned the family..I hate this.

Ask're an

Ask're an adult, smart, strong, resillient...and your husband's behavior has nearly destroyed you...then ask yourself if your son should stay there or go with you. Seems a no brainer.

Sherri re: ask yourself

Excellent reply!  I admire how you are so often able to cut right to the heart of the matter.

No brainer

I know this Sherri, I do I really do..I know ultimately my son would forgive me and he'd adapt ( I hope) It's just that He is an extremely sensitive boy. He has issues OCD like me.

He's 16 and yet has to sleep with lights on, I find him on the floor in my bedroom bundled in blankets some mornings because the sounds of a storm or just sounds in the house freaked him out. He is a musician and has ultra sensitive hearing.

He is also compassionate and loving to the nth degree.  He also blames himself for all the wrong things and punishes himself if he does something that hurts someone.

One time he ticked off his girlfriend and I heard him moaning in his room, I go and find him laying on his bed in his boxers shivering from the cold. I heat up a rice bag, grab the electric blanket and admonish him. I make tea and ask him WHAT he is thinking. He says I don't deserve to be warm, I hurt my girlfriends feelings. OH MY GOD! So counseling for him.

Which makes me believe you are more than right. I can't imagine the two of them together.

ebb and flow's picture


Take your son with you.


It sounds like your son needs a great deal of emotional presence and security... he may crumble if he stays with an untreated ADDer. (re: look at us)

I'm not saying living with an ADDer is bad or wrong or damaging for everyone... Apparently there are people who are "right" for an ADDer... What I am saying is your son, being as sensitive as he is, may be too empathetic to endure the onslaught of symptoms that come with untreated ADD. It sounds like he wants to stay to "help" his father... it is not your sons job in life to take on the position of 'helping his father'---leave that up to the professionals. Especially at the tender age of 16 when we all think we can save the world without the wisdom of protecting ourselves!

Please, as his mother, you know what's best for him. He may not be able to see it clearly now (because he is 16) but may understand in the future.

Sad... My heart goes out to you...


Amen! Take your son- he needs

Amen! Take your son- he needs you and you need him.  Its time to give both of you a home that is safe. The decision is difficult because you are a caring and loving person that doesn't want to add to any more chaos to his life.  Another way to view this is that how will you feel knowing that your son is now living the life that you left.  Take him with you, please.


waynebloss's picture

Yep I agree

Son might have good intentions, but without knowing what he is in for you need to take him!  He will be mad but he will see eventually that you made the right decision!

Topaz re: forgotten turkey

It is my understanding that during the Middle Ages, the flavor of rotten fowl was disguised with incense, salt and smoke.  You are a lovely person (except for that eye-twitching thing).  My husband is still in hyperfocus (day 5!).  If only it could last....

breathe in breathe out

I'm really struggling to focus. I've tried my yoga etc etc. I wander around like a lost soul in purgatory. How do you all attend to things when your mind is in melt down? Any and all suggestions please. The days are flying by and it's ME not getting stuff done. sigh.

Topaz re: mind in melt down

At such times, it often helps me to remind myself that I don't have to DO anything about anything, right at the moment.  For me, it is the feeling that I must ACT that fuels my sense of urgency.  You don't have to do anything or make any decisions today.  Nothing bad will happen if you choose to rest and think about it all later.


Thanks  to you all. Just sort of got stuck in the birth canal there. Changed my profile pic. I am putting the sad caged me behind. Going to rest some then prioritize things. thanks soo much for being here. I may start a group on my FB so I can have some real time chats.

waynebloss's picture

Meltdown..nver had it

Sorry, but ADD would not let me meltdown my mind, but if I wanted to piss it off where it could not do anything because of confusion, I would watch old cartoons, The 3 Stoogies, and Gilligan's Island....yes Gilligan's Island.  I would try to think of the ways they could get off the island!  My mind would just stop and wonder what THE HELL i was doing but I did not think! 


For non add, I agree with everyone else, stop, take your pulse for 10 seconds breath and understand that you are only responsible for you!  The world will not stop because the wonderful, beautiful and amazing you took a day to be you! 

rantfest is over

Thank you all for making me stop and breathe. I did nothing today and it was OKAY.  I took a long too hot shower. Let me explain why. One time I had a reaction to a med and it gave me an excruciating headache..I was screaming in pain. My husband was told over the phone to put me in a tub of the hottest water I could stand.

It worked to ease the fire in my brain, until the paramedics could come.  Same thing here. My brain was in meltdown I was screaming inside from the emotional pain of reliving my life and dealing with the upheaval the last week.

All week it was like all the poison built up inside, much like Wayne described had burst out of the wound heart...Today was the cleansing, the dressing over it. I could have had a drink, but I don't want to numb the feelings anymore. I stood letting the hot hot water rain down on me, the vortex slowed and stopped. I could feel it all wash down, like my mind was empty but my heart just pumped out all the pain, hurt, regret, everything out and down the drain.

When hubby came home from work, the dance began, but I stopped it. I sat across from him as he started to eat his lunch, spaghettios. I did not comment.

He looked around and then looked at me. I knew why, he had forgotten the butter knife. I did not move. He rolled his eyes and made his usual annoyed sigh. He got up and got the butter knife. He said, it's just a small thing, why didn't you get it for me. I did not answer.

I said instead. You can "GET it" or I can go. I said, In my pain I had decided to leave. I didn't tell you that directly because you would find a way to prevent me. I was not thinking clearly this week. I'm not giving you another second chance the way I have in the past, I am moving forward with my plans.

However If you "get" it  and understand that YOU have effed up your life, you knew what was wrong, yet you never committed to fixing the problem. Ok so you don't like to think you're damaged or whatever term it is you think of it. Get over yourself. Grow up, get help. I'm done being Wendy to your Peter, and now it is up to you to fix it and you can take the take the steps or accept the consequences.

I have also made some serious mistakes in our life and marriage, I need this time and space to heal, to fix the problems and unlearn those behaviors. I'm sorry for hurting you all these years. I'm sorry this is hurting you. Please stop trying to make me happy. I need to make me happy.

Tonight I'm paying the bills. Then I am going to bed.

He pushed his bowl aside. Looked at me as if he was seeing me for the first time. I continued, the first step for me is to have empathy for you.  It will take time. Give me that time.

He nodded. When he came home tonight he told me what time he'd be home from our son's event and he actually trembled, he said you know I love to bury my face in your hair after a shower, it's killing me not to, but I will honor your request. I will see you tonight. I nodded.

I feel a calm and peace settling over me. Thank you all for putting up with my insanity this week. You are Rock Stars.


As I read over some of my posts and others, I noticed something. Underneath the "bashing" which for me is simply me trying to explain what is going on and the pain the negative behavior is causing and trying to find an explanation for those behaviors. In my own posts if you can read between the lines are two unspoken things.

Asking permission to do what I haven't been able to. Take care of myself. I see that all the time in verbal exchanges with my friends..underneath the plaintive cries are please tell me it's okay to not be Superwoman, tell me I have permission to rest, to regroup, to say NO! The need to not feel selfish, to validate their needs and wants.

The other is I'm so confused I'm afraid of making the choice I think I want to or think I need to. I don't want to hurt that person or throw away something if there is any hope, I'm at a crossroads and am afraid of making the wrong choice, tell me what the outcome of those choices will be.

I guess I knew there is no way for anyone to know the outcome. There are too many variables. As I stayed on and read many of the posts, I gained insight and answers and my meltdown had to do partly with having to make those difficult choices, taking the painful steps. I am thankful everyone here shares their experiences howevre painful or embarrassing. It is like a curtain drawn back to reveal the light, it can blind you at first, but as my eyes adjust, I'm starting to see the horizon.

and the walls come tumbling down.

As I go through this process, trying to be civil trying to screw my head back on and thinking there might be a shred of a marriage left...Phone rings.. It's his best friend... childhood friends..I spent an hour explaining what is going on, explaining ADHD, the behaviors etc etc etc. His friend knew my hubby had ADHD but didn't understand it. At the end of it, he says: Your hubby borrowed 820.00 dollars and promised to pay me back a month a go.

Hubby had told me that he had borrowed it from his FATHER. So more discussion about ADHD. At the end of it his friend actually understood, WE both sighed. I told him I would do whatever it took to get the money to him. So more lies, more deceit, more fraying of my nerves. I'm opening the can of worms and dumping it in his lap today. I want everything exposed to the light. He cannot continue to do this.

I have to stay calm. Does it never END?

The reality check

I am going to calmly get dressed, wrap a black bandana on my head, and wait for him. with ninja serenity. His lunch will be reality soup. I don't care if he chokes on the lumps. I will smack him across his escapist head with a reality check and make him cash it. No more song and dance for me.. make him face the music once and for all.

Hole in the bucket's picture




Say helllo to my wittle fweind...It's called reality....Cover me boys..I'm going in.....!!!!!

I am praying for you to find

I am praying for you to find the courage to start the beginning of the end of this toxic way of life and to find the courage to endure until the end whatever decision you make. Please let us know how it goes.

Done Done Done

the love is gone gone gone. He came home for lunch bearing gifts..Hardees..yuck... I hand him a post-it on which I had written the 820.00 amount. I asked him, Does this look familiar,? He casually opens the bag. "No'. I said Does (insert friends name) ring a bell. um no..oh wait yeah.. you can figure out what transpired after that... At the end of it I said coldly. My dear there are no more straws to be the last.

His face hardened.  He said WHY did you answer the phone!! I said. "It is finished" He slammed the food in his mouth. He's choking on the lumps of reality soup. Got up and walked to the mudroom to smoke. I could hear him clearing his throat over and over.

I said I am leaving as soon as I am able. He goes to the bathroom. I carry a roll of TP and place it by the door. I wait.  HONEEEEE. I said Open the door. I shake my head. I think the reality check slapped me.

As he gathers his things to leave I said my daughter was right, this is toxic. I am done. I go to the muddroom and light a cigarette. He yells from the front door.. I'M GOING BACK TO WORK! I'm quiet. He yells it again. I said Sink or Swim. He slams the door HARD.

It's time for me to let go.

waynebloss's picture


Sounds like he is going to sink!  I am sorry Topaz...I would hug you if I could!  Just like I told Rev, time for you and you alone! 

Got my back

Yes, thank you!

Had a long talk with my son. At one point he jumped up and yelled How is it that I'm smart, talented, kind and have a f*****g RETARD for a Dad! He ran out. I sobbed. He came back and said I'm sorry mom I'm sorry I didn't mean that!. We talked some more and he has accepted things. If I go he goes.

Hubby came home all cheerfully asking us how we were blah blah, asking if there is anything he can do before he goes chill. We mumbled something to him. This stinks.

do you hear that?

snap crackle *pOp*. that isn't brain just fried out... He asked for help..wanted to know what he should get to get started. I made some suggestions including the book here. He beamed and said I'll get YOU the book for Christmas...I smiled wanly... I said and what will you get for Christmas? He said I'll let you know what I maybe a gift card...*SNAP*ffffzzzzzzzzzzzttttttttt.

Through the looking glass

omg, it's like he's living in some warped version of reality.  Doesn't he hear what you're saying?  Why is he acting as if everything is almost normal?  I'm sorry, it's just frustrating me to no end.  Does he just get distracted and forget a conversation you had a few hours ago? (trying really hard not to put multiple question and exclamation marks and after every question here...).  Maybe he just needs to be hit over the head with you taking off, could that be what snaps him into reality? I'm sorry you're going through this s**t.

Facing the music

Sorry for disappearing. both our computers crashed.  The last time I was here, I got sidetracked on a thread. Sorry folks. However it was THE catalyst for change here. I realized I had gone off on a tangent, not related to the issues. When the computers crashed, wow I HAD to face the music. I felt so so alone. I realized I had not left the house in MONTHS. 

I have friends online, but no friends here. Due to all the moves and drama.It was my loneliness that drove me to getting sidetracked. How sad is THAT? 

It was then I knew things HAD to change NOW. When hubby came home I sat at the dining table and asked him to sit down. He did the typical sighing and what now look. I said to him " I know you've worked hard today and want to go relax, but I HAVE to talk to you about ME, please.

I made sure we had eye contact and said." I don't think you realize how desperately lonely I am, the last time I hung out with a REAL friend was oh about 5 or 6 years ago and that was only for a few days, and it's been about 20 years since I had a good friend I hung out with regularly. I was quiet lleting that statement sink in. I said when was the last time you saw me sketch, or draw, or do ANYTHING recreation wise? Then I asked him, Does it seem right or fair that YOU can hang out with friends, go out, read, watch t.v. etc and I get the LION's share of managing our life and undoing all the messes you create. physical, and financial?

I could see him tense up. I said. There is an elephant in this room, and we can't pretend it's not there anymore. I have enabled you for far too long at a steep price to me. You can choose to get through your life leaving a trail of disaster or you can face the music right now, because I'm not paying the price for your denial.

He looked down at the table.I said I know you don't like talking about your ADHD, you can't treat it hit or miss ,off and on meds and never really trying to adapt or get the counseling you need. Just because you have some basic things covered, like food and a roof over your head you can't sweep everything else under the rug, only dealing with it when they rear their ugly heads.

I can't keep living like this, moving all the time, trying to unravel your financial disasters, feeling anxious all the time, slow;ly dying inside, wasting my time and talents. IF you cannot face this head-on and deal with this elephant than I have no choice but to take your son and go live with my daughter and get back on my feet. I said you have destroyed my credit, opened accounts in my name so I can't even rent a place, get utilities or a credit car. I don't know how I will start over, but I will.

This is not about balme, it's about YOU having to look head on at what ADHD and your coping behaviors have done to me, your son, and you!

You have tgthe ability to get engrossed in your t.v. and games and not let this stuff bother you. I CAN't do that. You have to see that you have No fututre if this continues. I meant it, Sink or swim. I know it takes time, but you've used up a LOT of it already. 

You say you love me and don't want me to go. Well it's time you ACTED on that. Love is a verb, not a feeling in my book.

I know for you it's not a big deal if I stay stuck in the house, because then you get 100 percent of me taking care of you. Well that stops now. I want you to know how much I resent all that has happaned, and the neglect of my dental work has destroyed my self esteem. Put yourself in my place just once.

He winced.

I said I am spelling out what I want from you and how long you have. In the meantime you are on your own, get a taste of what I do for you. Perhaps you will realize it takes a team to run the house and finances. If you don't want to play on the team, then you are out of the game.

He let out a long long sigh. He said. okay. I'm sorry. You need to know that I am fully aware of the damage I have done over the years. It's not all ADHD either. He was clasping, and unclasping his hands.. I admit, I'm lazy, and when I don't know how to fix my mistakes I avoid them or have lied to you and stuff.I just want more for us, but I don't think things through or listen to you. I guess I always wanted to prove I';m not stupid, that I can do things without you and your wisdom. I feel like a failure. a loser and nothing goes right for me, I can't do anything right....

I said. hmm Yes you are such a HUGE loser, you have NEVER done anything right, you screw EVERYTHING up. You are a poor worthless excuse for a husband and father and you don't deserve a better life, you might as well just live under a bridge and eat out of trash cans since you'll never amount to anything.

He looked up startled at my words, mouth open. I have a poker face, but I'm looking into his eyes gently. He laughed..oh geeze. I said  "you have done some amazing wonderful things you''ve succeeded at a lot and your son and I love you. The ONLY thing you have "failed" at is treating the ADHD. The rest of the stuff just follows know?"

I then talked at length about his successes, his ability as a youth pastor, his skills in the food service industry, his generosity, etc etc.  We both talked about all of it. Then I said, only you can build on those things and it starts right here with You and me talking about the Elephant next to us and you deciding to succeed at facing it.

He sat back and looked at me. We both realized we had been talking for an HOUR. To be continuied...




Can't wait....

That is the best thing I HAVE READ HERE EVER ! I would love to have that talk with mine. I know that talk is good , but actions are the BOOM! I pray that this is his turning point for you guys to have a healthy life together, prayers attached  :) I'm going to ask my love to read your story. Thanks for making my day! :)

Facing the music part 2

Hubby looked at me for a while, then said. sadly. I know you can leave and start over..I can't leave ME. I live with this brain and sometimes I can escape in the t.v. and games. It's like having a perpetual migraine and the only relief is work and t.v. and movies.. I don't know any other way except what I did as a kid..getting high and stuff which I won't go back to. He let out a long drawn out sigh. I am taking baby steps, I've been doing my chores and using the folder you made for me. As soon as we have insurance I will get coaching and meds and stuff. I can't lose you and our son, I just can't.

I said why don't you look for doctors and see if there are some options available for you before we get insurance. Show me you are serious. You have " ADD Friendly Ways to organize" Start reading it again, take notes in the journal I gave you and show me some adaptations, keep me informed.  He said, I'm doing better, but I can't keep it up without meds."

I said No of course not, you are too lazy and stupid remember?" His head jerked back. He looked at me quizzickly.. I said I'm going to agree with you anytime you say things like that since obviously disagreeing or trying to prove otherwise never gets through to you.  Seriously,  I CAN, it's about creating dump your stuff in that basket at the entry without even thinking about it now. You do the same things at work day in and day out. It's just a matter of repetition.

Ibelieve once we determine what behaviors are ADHD driven and which ones are your character and coping mechanisms, we can focus on those until you get help.

You can build on those successes.I said, okay I know it's hard for you to focus anymore, lets go watch some t.v. So we did. He was very happy since I rarely do that with him.

The next day I told him I HAVE to get out of the house, so he took me to the thrift store and dropped  me off while he took our son to the music store. It was so nice to just be around people, one man even struck up a conversation with me in line. Then picked me up and we went grocery shopping.

 That night my son asked me why I looked so sad. I said, just feeling ugly, I don't know. He said. Gosh mom, my friends think you're forty, they don't believe how old you are and they think you're beautiful. I smiled. He said you just need to get out of the house more, you'll see.

The next day I told my son he was going to learn life skills. He was enthusiastic. So we cleaned the house, all of it, room by room. I taught him everything from making a bed the easy way to cleaning floors and efficiently doing dishes etc. He told me he didn't realize how much was involved and liked the tricks I taught him. That night I taught him how to prepare that nights meal. I told hiom I would teach him something every other day. The next day I looked at the laundry mess in the den.

He was trying, but oh my gosh. So I told hubby, look, I'll do the laundry if you will take a chore you feel more adept at. I finished all the laundry while explaining to hubby how to do it. I told him you will have to do it from time to time, but it obviously is a bit overwhelming for you now.

So the next time I did laundry, he did carry the dirty ones down and put away the folded and hung items. Success to me. :)Every day he comes home and after looking at his folder asks me is there anything you  need me to do? I will look over my list and if there is something I ask him to do it, otherwisw I tell him, no you can go chill.

After dinner they both help, hubby puts the food away and takes turn with our son doing the dishes. I wipe down when they are don.I've had to bring them both back a couple of times to complete the tasks, once to do them(they left immediately after dinner)

I said to them, if I cook, you will help clean up or you can cook, is that clear?

So far so good. They are even getting faster at it. Last night hubby left two pots in the sink. He was going to bed when I pointed it out to him. He said I'll get that in the mor..I said why didn't you do them? He said angrily I DIDN't want to I don't like doing pots and proceeded to wash them quickly. so the truth comes out. LOL He made a wry face, okay okay so you got me.

I said, no you GOT me, all these years you've dumped off the unsavory chores on me. That's just mean. I walked away.He hugged me  later and said, I never saw it that way. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Last night our son wasn't home and we were eating dinner and I brought up a question about a certain behavior. He put his fork down and said" I KNOW there is an elephant here in the room but do we have to talk about it EVERY DAY?? I said, yes we do, but if dinner is not a good time, then we can talk later. He sighed. He said it makes me feel like I'm retarded or handicapped. I said you've run from this too long, it's going to be painful, it's going to hurt, but it is the only way to get better. The more effort you put in the less we will have to talk about it. 

Yes he still leaves his lunch plate and stuff at times. I told him if it continues, he'll have to make his lunch and take it with him. I said if there are no consequences other than me complaining, things don';t change.We are taking this one day at a time.

Tomorrow we will be doing paperwork that has fallen behind. I told him, one thing, one step at a time, but it has to be done, no matter how boring or painful it will be to see the mess you've created. We'll dig ourselves out, but you must do it. I will not take any excuses.

So a few days ago, Someone knocks on the door and I get served with eviction papers. I am incredulous. I call him at work and ask him WTF!. He said WHAT? I'll call you back. I'm seethng thinking how did he manage that considering the rent and all the deposits were just paid!!

He calls back and said, This was NOT my fault, apparently the landlord FORGOT to notify them that it has been dropped. I said..really.ok prove it. So he brought me the papers after work.

he said kinda cool that It wasn't my fault for a change.I looked at him thinking, how horrible it must be to feel that all the time. Like everything is your fault..I could feel empthy growing for him.


After the lovely Christmas we had, I noticed hubby seemed a bit off kilter. He came to me and said. "I'm lonely, I have no friends. "He sighed. He then came to me again and said "I want to do something big, something meaningful, but it seems I'm getting older and getting nowhere, no direction." As an organizer I wanted to give him my thoughts about goals and such, but I didn't. I drew him out instead.

Apparently he is BORED out of his mind, no friends, the holidays are over and he is falling into a routine at work. I consoled him and saw him off to bed. I pondered what he had said.  I had started a group on FB for organizing and goal setting that was an immediate hit with all my friends, It was then I realized it was making him feel a tad envious. 

I did it as part of taking care of me and having a life.  He said before he fell asleep, "You know life is like Jeopardy, it's not about finding the right answers, it's about asking the RIGHT questions. Would you help me discover those?"  Wow!

So I thought about my vents here and he is right, in all my anger, disappointment and frustration, I wasn't asking the right questions sometimes. I'm finding for me, it is getting support, brutal honesty and daily application of what I've learned that is helping us save our marriage.