DH is the ADHD spouse..
It was never that big of an issue-the forgetfulness, the funny quirks...
Truly, it is the disconnect. The dropped communications, lack of follow through on commitments, never seeing the trees, maybe just the forest... never fully manifesting feelings and thoughts of love and consideration.
Then he piled several affairs on top of it all. Only found out about the latest in July and a week later the rest were confessed, I suspected the most recent and confronted him often towards the end. He was diagnosed with ADHD in September. I don't know how much of the ADHD explains the affairs. He says he was just wanting to feel better about how awful he felt about himself. I just don't know why he had to choose THAT activity. He says he never felt good enough to be with me, like he was an imposter, didn't deserve me.
DH recently diagnosed after I discovered his 10 month emotional and physical affair. Probable RSD as well...
About a week later he confessed to 6 other physical affairs some that lasted a week, others over months, only physical except for this last one. He wanted to feel good about himself because he has felt so bad. I had no idea his self-esteem was so low. I had always thought so highly of him.He never feels he does anything right even if I knock myself out giving positive feedback. I had no idea. He hid his hurt so well. Never shared it with me so I could help ease the burden. Instead he looked for those dopamine hits somewhere else, but as he says, they never lasted. The constant lying to save face or deflect... so much lying.
Keeping it together for the kids, and he is in therapy as I wait for him to stabilize a little more so I can join in for couples therapy. Keeping busy with holidays upon us and just trying to take more than 1 step up and 3 steps back. I see his struggle daily. I am hurt and angry but trying to be loving and supportive while maintaining more autonomy. Keeping things even keeled for the kids.
If he was not in therapy and trying medication I would not be here.
Is this a thing? Multiple affairs and ADHD/RSD... trying to get dopamine highs? I keep researching for answers and I am not finding anything linking the two. I wonder if there is some other comorbidity...
Stimulation
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. My husband has adhd and he needs constant stimulation. He gets it mostly through a demanding and high stress career. When he’s not working he loves the adrenaline from competitive sports and hunting. If he gets bored at home he’ll lash out at me in ridiculous and illogical ways. He also drinks a lot of coffee. I think some people with adhd get stimulation from video games, porn, drugs, gambling, affairs, etc. I’m sure the list is endless.
To me his actions are very similar to a drug addict. Hes either looking for his next fix or he’s trapped in the euphoria of getting it. So basically, he’s never present. He’s always in this distracted state of “drug addiction”.
Im sorry I don’t know anything about rsd. I don’t know how that plays into any of it.
I hope that you’re able to heal and find a healthy existence with your husband.
Yes, maybe
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I think that there is probably some dopamine high searching going on with the ADHD. I think that the ADHD results in impulsivity. However, you state that there are MULTIPLE affairs. That means he made multiple choices to forget he was married. I am not sure if my ex husband ever had a physical affair - I couldn't find proof of that - but I know that he tried awfully damn hard over the years. In a moment of anger I once told him that if he tried so hard for so long and never got any, he was a loser. Not a proud moment, admittedly.
I have several dear friends who are as ADD/ADHD as the day is long. I love them dearly. NONE of them uses ADD/ADHD as an excuse and none of them are devoid of a moral compass as a result of ADD/ADHD.
I've heard many of these statements myself. I heard "it's not about you it's about how I see myself as a man" - which he said right after a therapy session. Honestly, I assumed he was parroting a phrase from the therapist, not his own heart or mind.
You will have to make your own decisions about this behavior and choose your own boundaries. Some questions to consider:
- Since it was multiple affairs, can you live with future uncertainty?
- What behavior, evidence, communication, etc. will you need from your husband to convince you that he has figured out why he did it so he won't do it again (I was stuck here. My ex could never articulate why he did it so I ended up feeling as though there was a 100 percent chance he would do it again)
- What do YOU need to recover from this, because it is an arduous process.
- How much time are you willing to give it to get to a point of peace?
- Are you okay with the "excuses" or do you need more concrete answers and real insights from your husband?
- Is he really remorseful?
- Can he see how he hurt you? really see???
- Are you accepting blame for his behavior?
- Are you really okay that he chose the most hurtful activity to feel better about himself?
- Does he exhibit this kind of unthinking behavior in other areas?
I'm rambling. In my case, I didn't make a big case about a lot of the disconnect, lack of interest, general, lack of follow through and commitment because I thought our basic foundation was secure (ie he wouldn't cheat). When I found out that wasn't the case, it really did rock the foundation of my life and, in the end, since I had already forfeited what I felt were big parts of a loving and functioning marriage, I ended up deciding that there wasn't enough of anything else being offered. Harsh, for sure, but there was no longer a foundation of trust. (He lied about other things as well). The lack of trust ended up eroding the love. Good for you for feeling loving and supportive. I guess my last question is, could you continue to feel that way if he did it again?
Again, not a proud moment, but after finding out about the first "few" incidents, I realize in hindsight that I was not "all in" on the recovery and working on the marriage. I held back and built a wall. Of course, this didn't bode well for reconciliation. However, I found out later that there was another incident, years and years ago, that I didn't know about. If I had been all in, I think the last disclosure would have destroyed me. Ironically, holding back is, I think, the only thing that allowed me to reasonably weather the last storm. What I found is that the constant and repeated betrayals sucked my soul and spirit. It's not ADHD. It's who he is.
His choices and actions...
Submitted by prairierose on
His choices and actions are not my choices and actions. I do not own his behaviors at all. I can only be responsible for my own. We successfully avoided the parent/child dyad but then the result has been my perennial comments of "I am not your Mother." "I am not your personal assistant/planner EXTRAORDINAIRE." My resentment meets with his denial and results in him digging a deeper hole for him to insert his head... like an ostrich. I see the forest with the many trees in their varied existence... he says a big ass forest with so many trees... so. many. trees. He enjoys how nurturing I am but my voice has never been loud or front and center in his head. He hears the negatives the loudest and everything is exaggerated in there. If something happened for 3-5 minutes--in his head it was easily an hour and a half. If I lovingly make an observation, or even a matter of fact comment, it is immediately met with resistence and an argumentative reaction. I can't win at this. I am not his teammate. It is the only thing I have ever aspired to: friend, wife, trusted partner in life, team mate in parenting and all the logistics of life. NOPE.
This whole existence in being married to someone with ADHD, who acts this way, is a complete mindf*ck. There is no other accurate way to describe it. They are so convincing and believable in words about feelings and desires, and then there is the constant ball drops and not following through and odd reactions, resistance to rational thinking... I could go on and ON.
I need safety and security for my kids and I.
I need them to have a father that is not broken. As long as he is working on recovery and his ADHD I am going to hang in there. I feel I have hard limits. The biggest hard limit is any affair of any type, of any betrayal, of any kind. I have stated specifically what I mean.
I may very well have at least 2 children with ADHD. We will be getting all of our children assessed. I need them to have a father that comes out of this in a healthy way managing his ADHD and being a man of integrity and forthright behavior, hopefully, as mindful as is humanly possible. This is what I need for my children.
I have always been a very autonomous person. I am responsible for my own happiness, its an inside job. With this in mind, I need a person supportive of this endeavor and right now my DH is a taker in many ways. It is so easy to lose parts of yourself in an ADHD marraige,putting out all the fires, seeing ALL THE THINGS, and being the only person who is standing between certain disaster and stability. Got a project DH is working on? Better not leave the house until it is done because tools and other unsafe stuff is going to get misplaced and left out and that is bad bad bad with a toddler around. Forget going back to grad school even for that one course, you will come home and even though the kids got fed the rest of the house is chaos and the kids are still up instead of washed up and in bed. Tools left out, medications left out, just no awareness because the mind went... SQUIRREL!
He has been gainfully employed consistently, is successful at his career. He is and has always been a very good provider and loves his kids. He adamantly states he loves me. I wish I could believe him. I did before this July. What I need most is a faithful and considerate ADHD hubby to be the best example for his ADHD and non-ADHD kids. This is his last chance and best chance at achieving this!
ADHD and Sexual Immorality or not connected....
Submitted by c ur self on
No, there are many men and women who have add/adhd, that are loving faithful partners....They would never excuse themselves to pursue sex outside of marriage....IF I need stimulation and my wife is pushing me away...I can go to the gym, I can ride my bike...I can do multiple things to burn off pent up energy....I don't have to Sin against my wife....
c
Hubby says it wasn't
Submitted by prairierose on
DH has emphatically denied he was unhappy with our sex life. He states he was happy with our sex life but very unhappy with himself. He was looking to feel better about himself. It was about how bad he felt about who he was or is.
I agree with him in that, I too, was happy with our sex life as well. I mean, hell, we have 5 kids. We were planning on having at least one more.
I am a very high functioning adult. I get all the things done. However, I have zero say in how he views himself, or how he feels. Doesn't seem to matter how nurturing or loving of a person I am.
This thread is full of excuses prairerose....
Submitted by c ur self on
When I slide the panties off of another women's butt, and over her feet, with the hand my wedding ring is on....You can bet it's an intentional act...You can bet I'm hiding it, and you can bet I know it's sin....Now you can also bet, I will come up with every type excuse in the world to stop my wife from leaving and taking my children....Most of these folks here (me included) have put up with so much, we have had to learn how to forgive...And it also becomes our nature to look for things to blame (all the excuses you read here) so we can forgive and move on, without feeling so bad about ourselves.....
I believe in forgiveness.....I also believe in reality....I don't need an excuse to help me forgive....And I'm not confused about the intentional acts of mature adults....
c
So what I hear you saying is...
Submitted by prairierose on
You are firmly in the camp of the multiple affairs have NOTHING to do with ADHD or addiction? Am I understanding you correctly?
What I am saying is.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Most everything in life is a choice....IF I can be faithful off and on for years at a time...Controlling and disciplining my thinking, feelings and behaviors...Then for me to consciously start up an affair, knowing its an act that breaks my vow to my God, and my wife...Then it was a thought out and intentional act...
My wife has clinical level add, and I'm sure she would agree if I decided her pushing me away (putting me off) was a good enough reason for me to start my own affair.....
c
Absolutely, but let me be clear...
Submitted by prairierose on
Absolutely. More than one intentional act.
But let me be very clear, as the qualifier or condition of being rejected or turned away keeps being mentioned...
At no time, was rejection or withholding an issue in this marriage, regarding intimacy. Whatever allowed those seeds of deceit and betrayal to germinate and grow, originated and were propagated, ultimately manifested and perpetrated, several times, existed in his mind alone. He has admitted this and held this to be true on his own account.
I agree.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Cheating on your spouse is a choice. Whether one spouse has withheld sex from the other is not an excuse. We are not animals, we can control our actions. I did not withhold sex from my ex-husband, even though he abused me. It was just another chore on my list, but I did it, as disgusting as it was for me.
Absolutely!
Submitted by c ur self on
(Whether one spouse has withheld sex from the other is not an excuse.)
We will only answer for our own actions....Never for our spouses.....
c
That's awesome, your husband should be so thankful....
Submitted by c ur self on
(At no time, was rejection or withholding an issue in this marriage, regarding intimacy.)
How many wives and husbands can state this as truth? Probably not many....
c
This is shameful.
Submitted by prairierose on
Clearly we have much different experiences. Your insinuation is base and disgusting.
You know nothing about anyone else's bedroom and should not be claiming to either.
What?
Submitted by c ur self on
I've read here for 5 years, and lived 61, I've had two wives (30 years then widowed & 10 years presently) (that I, like you pointed out about yourself, never in 40 years of marriage withheld intimacy from either of them)...So to say that I think your actions may be exceptional (rare) when it comes to your commitment to your spouse in this area....Is not totally a guess...Many people have no problem announcing they don't get it, and they use it, unless they decide, regardless of their vows....
So very sorry you took offense to that....I'm sure you are hurt deeply, I can understand way....
c
I'm sorry. I'm just having a
Submitted by prairierose on
I'm sorry. I'm just having a really hard time.
I've been working so hard all my life, to be the best person I could be, and it seems it doesn't matter how hard I work. Or, how good or virtuous I am.
The most simple desires and pleasures will not be for me. To be seen, cherished, considered, and loved.
I am very tired. As a woman it is too easy to carry everyone's burdens and too hard to put them down. As society constantly tells me I have ownership of everything that really isn't mine to begin with.
I can not take ownership of something that was never mine. Nor can I shoulder the burden any longer.
I only want peace and rest.
Peace and Rest....
Submitted by c ur self on
And that you truly deserve....I only find it in one place....I'm headed to bed, I will pray for you!
c
Thank you C
Submitted by prairierose on
I will pray for you and your loved ones as well.
Thank you PR
Submitted by c ur self on
I covet them....
Book
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
Here is a link to a book that cover the link between ADHD and destructive/addictive behaviors.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Too-Much-Isnt-Enough/dp/1576836312/ref=sr_1_...
Thank you.
Submitted by prairierose on
Thank you for the book recommendation Hopeful Heart.
ADHD and Addictions
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, prairierose,
I believe there is a link between ADHD and addictions. My husband has gone from one addiction to another over the years. The latest was sex addiction. He has had a lifetime of feeling bad about himself and of lying to hide his mistakes. As a sex addict he was a hero. He spent money on women. They told him he was big and strong and handsome. As a practiced liar, he was good at hiding his tracks. I wouldn't rule out your husband being a sex addict and it being related to ADHD. Recovery from any addiction is a long and difficult struggle. So is rebuilding trust. You may find support groups for family members of addicts helpful. It's critical for you to stay in reality - don't be fooled any longer. You will have to give a lot of thought to staying in the relationship. My husband and I have stayed together, and we are happy. We had years of struggle, though, and we spent a fortune on individual counseling and couples counseling and countless hours in support groups, separately and together.
All the best,
Angie
His explanations
Submitted by prairierose on
Thank you Angie, and everyone that has responded to this...
His self esteem is so very low. He was feeling so bad about himself when these women showed interest he didn't think of me or the kids he just went for what he knew would feel good. This is his explanation.
This just makes me feel very poorly about how he regards this marriage. He treated us like we were disposable. He says he doesn't feel this way, but how could he regard us any different if he was able to do all this??? He hid it all, got caught, and is dealing with the horrible fallout. So, we are dealing with all the ADHD baggage but then he piled sh*t on top of it and lit it all on fire. Don't get me started on the dumpster fires he hooked up with... I worry about HPV as I have always tested negative. He swears he used protection every time but it doesn't protect against everything.
He has been tested for EVERYTHING (men can not be tested readily for HPV) and he is very fortunate he has not contracted anything as these were affairs separated by several years, which is very odd to me. A drunken ONS before we were engaged with one of my soon-to-be x friends, drunkenly making out with my college roommate, a short term SA with co-worker right after we were engaged, 6 years of nothing supposedly, then 3 in a row over three years. 2 were during fieldwork trips OOC and the other was with a former co worker that propositioned him over email... yea... just wth. He didn't think of us at all, just the offer in front of him. The OOC encounters were more than once with two different locals, one in each country. He never told them he was married, just went along... because he was being sought after by them... just a whole lot of WTF. The latest was nearly 6 years since the last, out of state, the only emotional AND physical affair... just... ugh. I have contacted her and she has told me everything. They met up twice on business trips.
She was definitely being used for the good feeling of being totally accepted for who he was to her and no responsibilities! Truly, they used one another. He exaggerated the issues in our marriage (his words) made himself out to be the victim. The more he was a victim, the more she piled on the assurances and soothsaying. You can not possibly disappoint if you have no way to fail. It was obvious that phase was coming to an end... she started questioning why he could never or would never do anything thoughtful, like even "flowers from the roadside, little things", I had to laugh. Welcome to my marriage! Now, I will say, he has always been good at writing letters/cards and buying me flowers for specific holidays, etc. But he had promised her a bedtime song and he ... forgot he had promised that... This was the longest affair from his confessionals, but... he trickle truthed everything. I found out because I stumbled on to the evidence-he didn't confess it all until after I found the voice to texts because my gut was screaming at me. So much denial, and so many lies.
He is currently in therapy with a therapist specializing in sexual addiction and ADHD. He is currently taking medication. It is very early yet and the road is long. I know this. I have a lot to process and the dust it still settling... What is reality now? The reality is he did all this! I could have been the perfect wife. He still would have felt bad and did these things. Its the monkey on his back. No. I do not take ownership of any of this. This is his poo storm.
Wish me luck.
I many never have the answers I need. Why? If we are so loved why? Why couldn't he say NO. I AM MARRIED....? He can't answer that. I really hope the therapy can help with this.
There is a total connection
Submitted by dvance on
There is a total connection between addiction and ADHD or affairs and ADHD-I am pretty sure there is research about that. I googled ADHD + infidelity and got a ton of hits. I know there is with regard to addiction and ADHD teenage boys--my 19 year old son is ADHD and has been an active addict and I read a LOT about it. It makes total sense if you take it apart: impulsive--someone hands you something and tells you it will make you feel great. OF COURSE an impulsive ADHD person would be tempted to try it. The thrill of doing something illegal or dangerous or risky--very appealing to ADHD people. The feeling that despite so much evidence to the contrary THEY are the only ones who can manage a substance--the skewed view of themselves as successful, the grandiosity. The thrill of hiding something from everyone, particularly family. My son's rehab team also told me that kids who have been on ADHD meds, especially stimulants like Adderall, have a much higher set point for substances. I am not slamming meds--both my kids have been on them at some point and had GREAT success with meds. So for all those reasons, it does not surprise me one bit that ADHD folks are more vulnerable than the rest of the population to any kind of addiction, whether that be substances, sex, porn, shopping, video games. Real life is boring and repetitive. Their superior fast moving brains need more input! More fun! More risk! More adoration! My DH has always lied about everything. After 23 years of marriage unless I have actual proof, I pretty much just assume he is lying. Once I asked him to bring me home paper towels from his job (the apartment building he managed got them by the case--he could bring home one roll to tide me over) and he forgot and instead bought a roll and even while it was in the Jewel bag with the receipt told me he brought it from work because that is how they were getting them now. I mean seriously. What a dumb thing to lie about. He hides food--his entire bottom drawer of his dresser is full of candy bars and fruit snacks and there is a tub in the garage full of cans of soda. I took pictures of both of those things and he still denied he knew anything about them. Again, how dumb am I?? I see similar behavior with my 19 year old I am sorry to say. The thrill of doing wrong things, the hiding things, keeping secrets. It's ridiculous. Why bother?? I gotta believe some of the secrecy stems from their shame of never being quite able to get themselves together. No matter how much bravado they display, they have to know on some level that they cannot quite pull it together. ADHD people having affairs makes total sense to me too--those of us who have been with them for any length of time are pretty darn sick of their lack of follow through and in many cases stupid, immature behavior, whereas a new person--they can present any version of themselves to a new person, a very limited version. An affair person doesn't need them to remember to take the garbage out or complete some tedious home improvement project that was started 9 years ago and never finished. My DH has had three other women that I know of. One of them he used to call every morning on his way to work. How delightful is that?!?! She thought he was so wonderful-she told him his wife (me) must be a real bitch to not realize what a great guy he is. I read the emails she sent him. So he could call her every morning and start HER day off right but in his own house he leaves without saying good bye to his actual wife. And if I call or text him he may or may not answer OR get back to me. Delightful? Nope. Another one told him she wished they could start a new life together--the two of them and our two boys. She also sent him videos of love songs that made her think of him. So sweet. I read those emails too. And I emailed her back and told her she was welcome to the husband but she would never get near my kids so she should put that out of her head right now. That was a fun week because DH had been denying any contact with her but was furious that I had reached out to her but couldn't confront me so I just watched him steam and stew all over the place. It was pretty hilarious until he came clean. At this point I wish he would find someone. It would make things so much easier. What's hilarious is when I suggest it he says he wouldn't do that while we are living under the same roof. As if we weren't living under the same roof when the other three happened. They forget so conveniently.
I'm afraid I didn't say anything terribly helpful, but do know that you are not alone. Many many many of us on this site have experience with all these issues and then some--lies, affairs, financial ruin, cannot hold a job, terrible parenting, no follow through, a million projects started and unfinished, immature and inappropriate behaviors, odd sense of humor, no real sense of time, refusal to take meds, see a therapist or even admit they have any issues, refusal to take care of their own health (overweight, poor eating, poor sleep, poor hygiene), grandiosity, I could go on.
Know you are not alone, you are not crazy!!!!
Separate life
Submitted by Help where am i on
so my husband was diagnosed with ADD when he was 28. He started a traveling job and eventually was offered a full time job in a small town. Because the original sign on bonus was so high he decided that he could fly back and forth each week. He said he would die of boredom if he had to live in a small town so he never let me move out there. Now 7 years later I am still raising our 2 young boys by myself an 8 hr flight/ and connections away. He just revealed that he never told any of his coworkers who have now become his employees at his own business that he is married. He mentioned when he took the job he never disclosed he was married to ensure he would get it. I figured since it was a big company eventually you would tell your coworkers you're married and the issue would fix itself. He doesn't want to be shamed from something that he didn't mean to be dishonest.
As im reading other posts I can see how affairs start. Currently his business partner is a young married female, but the amount that they text and interact is a lot. It would be called an emotional affair. He rolls his eyes if I even suggest anything. We've gone to therapy and refuses to tell her and the rest of his staff he's married be it would jeopardize his business bc people in a small town are not forgiving of lies.
something in his brain is not right. He loves us tremendously, but his behavior doesn't make any sense.
he finally mentioned that he would be willing to possibly let us move out if it was due to his conditions. He probably wants us to move out, but still not disclose he's married. I'm praying he'll be courageous enough to tell his employees he's married, but I kind of think he plans to move us out, but not reveal he's married. I'm appalled at his offer and am finally realizing it might be easier to go our separate ways now. If he can't see how ridiculous his behavior is to his wife and kids, our lives would be no different even if we moved closer.
Your radar is up for a reason
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Help - this is just my opinion from reading your post, but it definitely seems like something strange is going on. There is literally no good reason to keep his wife and children a secret at this point. So what is the real reason? Something that helps me decide what to do is to ask myself, "If my best friend/sister/etc. was in this situation, what would I suspect or advise her to do?" That doesn't always help me do the right thing, but it gives me perspective.
Let's face it, it is just plain weird and ridiculous that he would not disclose he is married. You know it and he knows it and you could probably explain the situation to 100 people and 100/100 of them would know it, too. Your "something's not right here" radar is up for a reason.
As the non-ADHD spouses, it is incredible what we will put up with, isn't it? And I am not criticizing because I am right there with you, having bent and twisted myself little concession by little concession into someone I don't know anymore. I will say that you have had a lot of practice being a single mom already if it is time to go your separate ways.
Truly sorry for the situation you are in.
This makes me sad.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
This makes me sad.
Why would a man want to hide the fact that he is married? Why would he want to live separately from his wife and children?
His behavior is beyond ridiculous. Why be married if he prefers to live separately, and hide it from everyone he works with? I don't know if this can be blamed on his ADHD. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Everyone he works with, be it subordinate or co worker, knows he is in a relationship. Anyone he has "friended" on Facebook sees pictures of us and posts with me in it.
Any job that would require an applicant to hide his/her marital status is suspect. Employers cannot discriminate against someone because they are married and have children.
And what does he tell his family? (Parents, siblings, etc? Your family?)
I know I would do....
Submitted by c ur self on
I would show at his job w/ the kids and we walk in to see our husband and Father....Then you would see what he loves....The company could not fire him...A judge would laugh that out of the court room....You can't fire someone for being a husband and Father....You are right, he has problems....
On second thought I would leave the kids out of it, just in case he turns negative, they don't deserve the abuse....
c
This is a front...
Submitted by prairierose on
I am the original poster of this thread. If you take nothing else from this just know your gut instinct is NEVER WRONG.
You know this doesn't pass the smell test.
Make your plans, and start figuring out what you need to do to extricate yourself from this marriage.
Yes, he has absolutely been living a double life. He has basically been giving you the play by play and doing it right under your nose.
There is no good reason he can rationally and truthfully state for not ever mentioning you and your children. I am appalled for you. The red flag was up and flares were flying when he chose not to mention his marriage and family from the very beginning.