Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on 07/26/2016.
Must be nice to be able to take 4-5 hours of "smoke breaks" in a day when the house is still a wreck, things are still unpacked, garbage bins are full, counters are filthy, backyard is messy and junky....
But you know - Facebook and Cigarettes.... thats whats important. Really trying to hold in my temper as I take a few minutes away from trying to figure out something for work. Must be nice to be able to have anything and everything you want, and not have to follow through with WHAT YOU AGREED UPON AS YOUR CONTRIBUTION to the home....
Sorry folks - I just had to have a momentary vent before I really got angry.
Hoarder you say? "Let me be.", you say?
Submitted by jennalemone on
And if you don't do ANYTHING about it now, it will pile up and pile up and there you have it! A house with a hoarder! How did that happen? Oh, yes, we are only supposed to talk sweetly and not MAKE them do something they don't want to do. And UNDERSTAND that it takes a lot of effort for them to do something that is not fun. H is not on Facebook but he spends 6-8 hours a day smoking cigars, drinking beer and doing crosswords, listening to Public Radio.
Now, be sure you try to UNDERSTAND him and NEVER tell him what to do. He must have his own fulfillment and do what he WANTS to do. We MUST let him have his way of life.
Another momentary vent from me.
I'm in!!! about venting, jenna and stacey,
Submitted by Zapp10 on
I hope you don't mind but your posts made me laugh.....because I can sooo identify.
Since the gloves are off I have managed pretty well at keeping a distance from H. I say little, expect less, make plans for me and am HYPEROCUSED on moving forward. I am NOT about saving the marriage.....I am about me.
BUT because we do happen to cross paths and I am not always able to talk myself DOWN from the ledge......we had a "moment" last night. Even tho I didn't speak a lot, my ANGER was OUT THERE. I left and went back down to camp(my home away from home). He came down later to offer an apology and as always there is an inclusion of ME being part of the problem.....apology my ass....Anyway....all I said to him was....."you make life hard. You can take the simplest thing and make it hard. You can take a difficult thing and make it MORE difficult....I am telling you again.....I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE." He sat there staring at me for the longest time( I HATE that) then left.
I was so pissed at myself because I am so done with the anger that comes from within. I had had 3 days of quiet solitude (at camp) and I simply can't handle the miscommunication that happens in just about every sentence with him! WTH! Sweet Jesus!
I am staying at camp for quite awhile, in part to get my sanity BACK and to plan on my future and where I go from here.
Like I have said before.......I prefer to love him.....from AFAR!!!!!!!
P.S. Ya know , we all have moments that have nothing to do with our spouses. And we deal with them suck it up and move on....It just so happens my current "moment" is dealing with an "aging" body. I feel like I have shrunk 2", lost my waist(God knows where), constantly battle 20 lbs, my feet are having all sorts of STUPID issues and I have a "condition" that feels like I am sitting on a golf ball whenever I sit....unless I sit on a BOARD.....therefore I have BOARDS for chairs, in my car, in my FRIENDS cars, I carry a "board bag" in case we are somewhere with no HARD SEAT chairs......and this has been 5 years.....and I get a little CRANKY because of it sometimes and yes I have been to doctors and they can't FIND anything!? ok....a double whammy vent.....moment over.
Zapp - I love this:
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Zapp - I love this:
"Since the gloves are off I have managed pretty well at keeping a distance from H. I say little, expect less, make plans for me and am HYPEROCUSED on moving forward. I am NOT about saving the marriage.....I am about me."
FOR REALS!!!!!!!!!!!! I am about me too. I am hyperfocused on me too - and I LOVE IT!
Curious Stacey?
Submitted by kellyj on
Obviously...you are not confronting him with this or you wouldn't be here saying this (at least as it appears) And this is one of those ouch moments...but a good one to hear. (no facebook for me however...this is it ). But what does he say or how does he respond to what appears to be quite a mess to deal with? I just came in and am all sweaty (hot outside here) so I'm thinking to myself. whew! Motivational download for me(yours) lol
Just curious what he says about all of this?
J
J - this has been an ongoing
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
J - this has been an ongoing discussion with him that only recently stopped because *I* have stopped focusing on our marriage as something to save - make sense? I have tried over and over and over again to get him to live up to his end of the deal, but thats not happening. So he is looking for a regular job - but not putting in alot of effort in doing so. Its like a stalemate. I work very hard and sometimes I have to work long hours, and i take care of all the financial responsibilities. So no - I am just gritting my teeth this time since confrontation, begging, pleading, asking, helping - none of it works. But I am about *ME* now... so its just a matter of time.
I work from home, and he does not work, and the agreement of that was for him to take care of the house, keep it clean (which considering I clean up after myself) should be pretty simple and quick. He also was supposed to be taking this time to practice his fighting skills to honor commitments he made to others (he doesnt do that), go to counseling and a support group to work on his on issues (he doesnt do that), work on projects in the house like painting, fixing things up as we go etc (he will do - but I have to push and he gets irritated when I ask for something to be done so those projects are RARE and very infrequent). He has gotten good at making sure laundry is clean (t do laundry as well as needed - so its a shared task).
He has a list of chores to do daily, and a list of chores to do weekly (so doing 1 weekly chore a day plus his daily stuff and *maybe* there is enough work there for 2-3 hours?? Barely??). These are chores we wrote down together, with me asking him about every single one if he felt it was reasonable and if he understood how to do it. He does not do these chores. He will sometimes do some of them partially, and complain that he doesn't know what to do when I have to constantly ask him to take care of things as agreed. So I again show him how to do things like clean the counters etc, like I have been for 7 years... to a 43 year old man.
This is very frustrating to me. I have asked him to consider the work he does around the house as his contribution to our lively hood and that its work that is just as important as what I am doing to keep us fed, clothed and sheltered. I have worked hard to always praise and aknowledge when he does things and point out how great things look etc (this is such a rare occurrence that he does things with out me asking to have them done - but I still praise even if I had to ask for it)
He also is the one responsible for feeding the dogs in the day, and taking them for their walks (this he does very well, he loves the dogs and it shows).
He cleans the pool regularly because he loves the pool and lives to swim. (which is very appreciated and I make a big deal every time he cleans it to show appreciation)
As for how he responds to the mess? He doesnt see it. He doesnt even see the yard full of trash like foil wrappers from his cigarette boxes - never mind the pile of empty boxes on the table. he doesnt see the trash through out the yard that has been blown in, or the giant mess of overgrown weeds everywhere (enough so that the Terminex guy said he could not even check on our termite bait system - and when I pointed it out, he just looked at me like "so??"). He doesnt see the stains and gunk all over the kitchen counter where he puts food down. he doesnt see the piles of dirt and debri in the corners and along the walls where it hasnt been swept in 3 weeks. he doesnt see the piles of empty packaging from paper towels he never bothers to throw away. He doesnt smell the house anymore. He doesnt see the nasty toilets, or the pee on the floor from where he misses the mark. He doesnt see filthy windows and carpets, or an thick dust on everything. He doesnt see the insane mass of clutter built up everywhere from just not putting things up.... he doesnt see the unkept front lawn, the messy, junky entry way, the trash EVERYWHERE (have I mentioned the trash yet? LOL).
I try to keep up - but I cant. I do my best to clean up after myself in everything I do so I dont contribute, and I also sweep, mop, wipe things down as I can. But its aggravating to me. Its his "job" - one he said he WANTED and agreed to. Expectations were clearly laid out - and he doesnt care. If I did my job the way he does his - I would be fired with in a week if not sooner.
.
When I got with H, his house was beyond the pale... it was filthy, in a deep and long term way. Not just clutter, but really deep filth - like a toilet black and crusted over, bugs smashed on the walls, trash EVERYWHERE. You have seen that TV show Hoarders? It was not dissimilar. He has gotten WAY better - mostly because I refuse to let things get to that point - but its absolutely exhausting. The times he left me for months? It would take me a week to clean the house, and then it stayed clean. No gross smells, no sticky filthy floors, no rotted food on the counters... LOL Sounds rediculous..and it is.
One thing happened last night though. He did come back in later in the evening after his 6 hours of smoke breaks and he did straighten up a few things. When he went back out side - he asked me to come up with a project for him to do every day. I asked that he cleaned the backyard completely. All the trash, deal with the weeds, and make it look nice. Lets see if he remembers and actually does it. I hope so - because it would mean that he is being genuine about doing the right thing about his share of the work.
He makes breakfast daily - which is an absolutely wonderful thing he does. It makes my day go better - truly its very appreciated and NOT an expectation.
So its not all terrible, but its a ton of frustration when I ask him to do the very things he agreed upon. We made that chore list as a way for him to be able to view and remember what is expected of him so that I DIDNT HAVE TO REMIND HIM or ASK HIM or BUG HIM about it - removing me as a parent figure. I wish it worked that way.
Yep....Sounds Familiar
Submitted by kellyj on
My wife and I run into a similar problem and yes, I've watched the show hoarders and it's painful to watch. The thing is.....I'm not a hoarder in that respect (true hoarding). I'm an "accumulator" and then I don't organize of put things away and then they just pile up and get scattered all over the place and never put away. If you understand the difference....there really is a difference in the motivation of a true hoarder. A true hoarder can't throw anything away or get rid of anything. I've been more like Dede's husband in the past in that I get into the pound wise, penney foolish mentality which is still different than hoarding.
What would help me most if my wife could understand this part...is where she see's the yard or the house and does what you do. She'll do it all as one big job and quickly throw everything away and make it look good very quickly and it's easy for her to do.
I on the other hand have a very difficult time doing the same thing as fast as she can. Most of our conflicts arise....not because I'm not doing it or working on it....but because I can't organize and prioritize as fast as she can and that part takes me forever to finally get it all worked out into a plan before I even begin. If I try to follow her lead and do it the way she does it....I get all scattered and end up milling around and doing a little of this and a little of that but not getting anywhere very fast.
What I've found that does work for me....is to take the yard for example...and make each thing it's own individual task. So the yard is not the yard...the yard is every single task....in the yard. And I approach it that way.
For example:
sort out and get rid of things I don't need anymore one task
weeds one task
garbage one task
debris one task
mowing one task
etc etc etc......
If I don't do this....it'll never get done. By doing it this way....I just check off each task and move on the the next....but I can pick and choose a task and avoid the ones I don't like one day...but still do something every day so I don't get stuck in that avoidance trap which I am know for.
It's like of like doing a patch work quilt from the looks at it for a while and in the beginning, it doesn't look like things are getting done because I rotate around based on what I feel like doing that day...but I'm always doing something and eventually...it comes together in the end. It does kind of snowball and rate of improvement gets faster and faster the closer I get to the end. I think it's that "carrot" effect when you start to see the finish line ahead of you. This is that ...working smarter for me even though my wife might not agree with my method!! lol
The thing is....there's not getting around the things that y'all mentioned here. Those tendencies never go away so I have to do things to work around the tendencies and work with them instead of against them.
Not working however....is not on the list of ADHD symptoms. lol I fail there too but I'm a hard worker. My biggest problem of all...is putting too much on my plate (eyes being bigger than my stomach). If I do that and try to do too much all at once....I kill myself in the process and just burn myself out.
Right now for example....I pulled some kind of weird muscle in my arm that I've never done before? Like...what's wrong with me???????
Oh...yeah.....I'm getting old. Oops....forgot about that one. lol
I have to remember to pace myself now. Getting old sucks. But it still hasn't stopped me. I hate that I can't get the same amount of work done as when I was 25 and this really pisses me off!! lol
And I have to remember this since when I don't....this is just another problem to add to the list. No fighting mother nature....just being smarter than she is I guess:)
J
J...what you said here....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
The "issues" you spoke of and how to handle are on point to things with my H. He is by no means a hoarder. He is by no means lazy. He too is growing older. Some things that need doing will require "physical energy" that he simply will not have.
Just a brief example.......he gutted our bathroom.....kept the sink, tub and toilet(all working) That was 10 years ago(ten years younger, get it?) I NEVER said ONE word to him about finishing it( I knew when he did it what the outcome would be....previous experience). I resolved to be happy that all the amenities WORKED. Fast forward to this spring.......he decided to get at it again......reminding me very seriously that I was the reason it wasn't finished( WTF!) This job entailed tearing up the floor and replacing joists that had to each be scribed because it was so badly constructed before and out of level(old old farmhouse). We agreed he would do half at a time as washer/dryer is also in there( I can pee outside and wash up in the creek but I am not going to the laundromat for God knows how long). The side with the washer/dryer was left to be done later. The half he did is beautiful. He is an excellent carpenter. There is a 3" gap from the new floor to old floor plus they are different heights. As sure as I am writing this.....the rest of that room will not be done....and I have done nothing but thank him for how beautiful it looks. I have learned to let go of ideas, thoughts and dreams and alot of the time it was a GOOD thing.....it cleared the way for the REAL things that mattered.
At some point(ESPECIALLY when your life is 3/4 over) you GROW UP FINALLY. I am taking full responsibility for my part in my past, present and future. I have made and will probably make "wrong" decisions but I WILL make decisions. I will not wait for someone else to "maybe someday" decide something for me or about me who has NOT EARNED THE RIGHT to do that.....period.
Your post reminded me J of the hard work I put in the last 4 years to learn about ADHD. I recognize what you said here and wish my H did too and there is the catch.
Just yesterday H said during a conversation about building upkeep on our little place..."Can I be honest with you...I am getting overwhelmed here."
I said " I can see that"
He said " well at least I am letting you know"
I said " I appreciate that and am glad you see it ............now.....what are you going to do about it?"
He looked a little startled and replied...." I thought that's what I was supposed to do.....tell you"
I said "yes, that is half of it.......now you come up with what you need to do ....to handle it....."
He was very confused so I explained..."recognizing is GREAT......it's half the job....it's not a pass. Seeing it is half of the solution. Coming up with go to's ....is the other. You tell me what you need to do in this situation and ones like it. Bottom line......we need to have a final decision here today........it cannot fade into the sunset for maybe someday"
Truthfully, I think he thought seeing it was enough......doing something about it .....then coming back to finish the conversation.....is not the norm. in the end , I will admit I pushed for a resolution I wanted about the buildings......to make it smoother in the long run(the very thing he cannot do) and I knew would not get done. In the end, I was respectful but decidedly firm.
Who knows if it was a light bulb moment for him. I hope so for his sake.......not for the marriage. Time will tell......but I am not waiting.
This comes from having detached myself from him personally having any say with me......it was not an exchange between a loving couple. It was devoid of any emotion.....first his.....and now mine. This I can see is going to be more of a "business" partnership.....sweet.....I CAN DO THIS!
The Serenity Prayer is my go to......."accept what I cannot change"
PS The breaking into small tasks ......when I have "helped" he did it.....on his own?.......sigh. It worked so well for him......again....he doesn't get the reality....HE HAS TO DO IT HIMSELF.......I am not old enough to be his mother.......why didn't I see that sooner?
UPDATE
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
So - not sure what happened in his head, but later in the evening he DID do some of the stuff he is supposed to do. Not all, but he dusted off the dressers and wiped up some dog messes.
One thing he asked was to have a project a day. So today was the back yard. He actually got at it this morning after breakfast. He made a dump run, and did a really good job on the yard. There is still a ton of work to do - but he did make a pretty big dent. I am worried about saying "great job" because then he will think he is done, and then i am worried about asking what his plans are for tomorrow - because he will get mad at me for asking and assuming he wasnt done. A no win situation. So I will wait and see. But he did do a good job.
There is so much to do around the house, so i hope that he steps up while he is still here.
Executive Functioning
Submitted by jennalemone on
Today, I asked, "Do you have any de-greaser for cement flooring?" Of course he had.....probably 10 jugs of it somewhere in his stash barn that was once our 2 car garage. While he looked for that, I got out the power washer, gloves, a shovel, a wire brush.
When all the tools are set up for him "like a kit", he is prone to doing the job. Correction...He cannot contain himself with energy because his focus is on the job that I am doing. If I would make a "honey do" list, he would be overwhelmed and verbally attack and then be mad at me for expecting him to do more than one thing "for me".
He can't work from a request that involves planning, multiple steps or cleanup. If I get things ready and look like I am commencing to do a project, without my saying anything, he will "take" the project from me. Yup! the cement grease stain has been cleaned up - by him.
Yesterday, I found a part for his truck that he said he needed to be able to fix the truck....saying that for 10 years while the unworking truck gets piled high with junk....it is now a stow trash trunk. I figure if he can get the truck fixed, that then some of the junk can be brought to the dump or recycle places. So, I found the part he said he needed on line. Printed out the page. He went and got the part.
He is not able to search the internet, compartmentalize one step of a project and act on that one step. If I make the one step the whole project.....THEN he is like a person with a turned on "on" switch.
Zapp. Try this in your bathroom.....BUY the materials yourself for a small part of the project. PUT the materials in the room.....then actually START YOURSELF to do his project. You may hear name-calling, fury, angry words....let the words play out but don't mind them.....turn on headphones if you must.....but keep diligently working toward the project yourself....Like Huck Finn..."Ain't paintin this ere fence, fun?"
If your H is like mine, he is not able to do the first step toward a big project but can't stop himself if all the tools and materials and the plan is staring at him.
What is lacking in ADD brain....Executive Function........ WE NEED TO BE THE EXECUTIVES FOR THEM.....without them feeling like we are their boss!. I need to plan, remember, problem solve and begin....So that is what I am going to do more of to get him to help out around our home which has many fix up things to keep him busy.
Executive function is an umbrella term for the management (regulation, control) of cognitive processes, including working memory, reasoning, task flexibility, and problem solving as well as planning, and execution.
Jennalemone, that would
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Jennalemone, that would never work in my situation :-). But I do think you are right no the money - the non ADHD spouse has to be the executive of nothing gets done.
For me, I am at the point where like someone posted on another post - I have to be at my worst and be to the point of not even wanting to speak to him before he will even bother. I cant live like that. I dont see how anyone can sustain that type of interaction.
I am pretty impressed that again today - H swept the floor, mopped, did dishes (like all properly and not shortcut way), and he is outside in the back continuing his project, and I have NO idea what inspired him to step things up - but I hope that he is realizing that only HE can change how he feels. Its only day 2 - so I guess we will see how long it lasts. I hope that he feels accomplished at all he has done in 2 days and that it inspires him to stick with it. Surely it has to make him feel better than just sitting in a chair, smoking and being on FB. Creating a home requires alot of work - but its hugely satisfying (even if its not outside work bringing in a paycheck).
Its funny - because while I know all of us are tired, frustrated and feel very unappreciated and taken for granted, so much of wanting our spouses to DO things and follow through has so much more to with how they feel about themselves versus getting the *thing* done (though getting the *thing* done is ALSO important as we are trusting and relying on them to pull their weight). I really feel like when you sit around and dont do anything - or even just do other things, and have your commitments hanging over your head because you refuse to do it, it creates depression and sadness - and that makes it even harder to get up and do stuff. Accomplishment doesnt have to mean $$$ or some sort of glory - accomplishment is being able to sit down in a clean house, being able to be comfortable with your surroundings.
// end rant LOL
I just hope that he will continue. Even though I am removing myself fro his equation, I really want to see him break his chains and get out of the rut he has dug for himself.
annnnnd I was wrong....
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
The backyard isnt done, and its back to "I am going to do it later, its too hot now" (though its cooler today than it was 2 days ago - but what do I know... nothing apparently). And we are back to almost 2 hours of smoke breaks so far today. He has an appt at 3, and he already "got ready" so there will be no "working" between now and then. Afterall - what can anyone get done in approximately 3 and 1/2 hours.... sorry if i sound a little bitter right now.
No word on if he is going to clean up the house for his family who is coming to town on Sunday.
I dont know why I let my hopes get up.
Ah, Stacey...so can identify....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
DO NOT let" getting your hopes up" weigh on you. It will happen again and it is fine. It is one more thing that TRIES to makes us "feel" bad about ourselves. Rethink for your self how you can look at this differently that helps you.....not him.
My husband is a smoker.....it is self medicating. He also uses nicotine gum(when he's where he can't smoke) also self medicating, has a perpetual cup of coffee in his hand...self medicating, eats potato chips(hidden ALL over) morning, noon and night....self medicating, can make many trips into town daily(because he forgot something).....self medicating. At the present I see the ADD literally running his life more than ever.....with occasional moments of trying to address it. Letting go of any expectation from him allowed me to focus on me. It didn't happen overnite....I HAD to pay attention to NOT reacting to another moment with him. They are few and far between now but I still revert. My reactions are my responsibility just like the ADD is his. He sees the change in me.....and doesn't like it.....because it does not include him.
I see from what you say that your H really does believe he has ADD. But as we all know.....it is the DOING that proves they CARE. It's the communication that is essential in human relationships and it is WTH... HARD! CRAZY! FRUSTRATING!
P.S. OH I forgot!.....He HAS to watch about the election, gun control etc.....because it riles him up! YAY!....dopamine fix!!! Loves to give his opinion( yours is wrong no matter what) and loves to debate it......once more.....dopamine fix.
I so love being disconnected to these times of his....fixes.
Why Is It So Hard?
Submitted by kellyj on
Zapp,
This is the best thing you can possibly do for yourself....I so love being disconnected to these times of his....fixes.
There's a reason why this takes so long or is so difficult to do and it's not that difficult to understand. Habits. If you look at it like a bunch of bad habits...the first thing you need to do is break the old ones. Actually...this is not true exactly. Making new habits is easier than breaking old ones. Some of these things are just making new habits and aren't tied to the old ones. When you have to replace old habits with new ones...that's where it get really difficult.
Replacing habits....means breaking old one and forming new ones both...at the same time. Trying to do those both at the same time is nearly impossible if you are under the gun and on the clock. Some are easier than others and the most difficult ones are usually the ones that show up the most.
Trying to do two things like this at once is really doing a poor job at both and never getting anywhere very fast. Breaking old ones first....and then replacing them with new ones is a much faster and easier approach however....what everyone else wants is to focus on the news ones only first while a person with ADHD is just trying to break the old ones. See the dilemma here?
It greatly depends on what your talking about. As I said....some are easy...and some are hard. Only the person with ADHD knows which ones those are since they never will makes any sense to you as you see it.
The easiest ones of course are just forming a new habit that is unrelated to anything else but that still leaves the old ones right where they are. If you were juggling balls and trying to keep them all in the air....there are really 3 here you are trying to do all at once if these are the categories only. If you look at it that way....some are diametrical opposed to one another which falls into the replacing habits catagories which is really two things...not just one.
I couldn't help but notice smoking here. That in itself is an addictive habit to break all by itself. They say to be successful in just that one for example....you should not try to be breaking or attempting to do other things at the same time because this is so difficult to do alone. The reason for this is easy to see by the failure rates of people attempting to do this and never stop smoking.
If you are getting involved in this mess yourself....and trying to direct attention to only the result you want and neglecting to consider this and how difficult this is to do....you'll see the failures and think...."Oh...it's over..,.it'll never happen"... and be disappointed.
I know with some of things I've actually accomplished so far weren't that difficult and I was able to make a few new habits right away within only a few months and can now do them automatically without even thinking about it. That's what a habit is any way if you stop and consider this? And the reason for this was exactly what I said. These weren't really replacing or getting rid of the old habits....they were just doing things differently that I haven't done before.
But that leaves some....that cannot go without something else in their place. These are extremely difficult to do because of the very nature why the exist. The old ones are actually working against the new ones and this becomes an arduous slow process that happens over time and there is just no speeding things up or making them go faster unless you do this in a very specific way that only that person is going to know exactly which way will work for them in order to get there. How you would do....cannot be applied.
It's why the best thing you can do is take the reigns off and go do your own thing and be free of this.( smart on your end ) I can't imagine going along for this ride (being involved )...because this is bumpy ride and not very much fun speaking from my own experience in doing this myself.
Watching the water while it's trying to boil will just drive you crazy and just make it seem like it's taking that much longer when ever you do that?
That is of course....if the effort is being made. I can't know if someone is trying or doing anything at all by only reading the results that you want that you don't see coming ...but I do know that you get to a point....that if you are taking one shovel out of the hole...and putting another one back in.....it can make you give up trying if something is getting in the way that is causing that to happen. And without implying that it's you or anything you're doing....there is a wrong way for us too.....if he hasn't figured that out already...or trying to find out what works and what doesn't work....this can take some time and not seeing any results. In respect to this....you can't see the effort by only looking at the results. Trying and failing by trial and error...is doing something but getting no results until you find out by just trying and failing repeatedly. It's a process...it doesn't mean there is no effort or trying involved necessarily. Mental energy expended doing this...can wear you out in a hurry especially with no results to speak of.....as of yet. Depending on?
There really is no way for you to know this for a person with ADHD. But something should be happening at least noticeable.... even if it's slow and inconsistent. Inconsistent is predictable.... nothing or no change is another thing and just giving up or not trying as far as I can see?
J
J, I have no expectation....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
I do understand that the ADD is NOT behind all of his "being".
His "mindset" just as mine, was formed by MANY things through childhood experiences(family and otherwise). My H is very much of a "if it works for me and not you....too bad". He does not hold with self reflection. Does not see merit in therapy. Does not like meds but will pop anything in pill form that is "natural".
In other words.....he is very wise in his own eyes.....so I let him.....and probably fed in to it.....can we say .....not good?
THIS is not ADD related(as I see it). However, add ADD to the mix and it is a lose lose situation. I think as I have grown older I "wore out" because I didn't see all the balls I was juggling all these years. Not his fault. I did what I did. Being older I have started dropping some balls and while it's okay for some things, other things HAVE to be taken care of and this is where I now see what was there all along.......you love your wife as long as she fits your description of a wife.(ie: the man works, wife does everything else) He has an extremely fixed view on this that has gotten WORSE if that's possible.
I used to laugh when he'd get like that....and he would lighten up a little. But the past several years he has become more stone faced in his discussions with me about how I need to "respect" him. Also, negative minded. Like I said.....I wasn't perfect and made mistakes....but they were never ever directed at him. That was my light bulb moment......I DID respect him and he never saw it. and he has directed at me actions and words that left me.....?
And I don't need a "daddy" telling me what I should and shouldn't do" anymore than he needs a "mommy" to do his laundry, feed him,be an errand girl, soothe his ego, fix the finances.....there I go #%*!
My stepping back is really about me. He will tell you he is fine, everything is good and I have chosen to agree. He is fine......and so am I. Whether or not he addresses ANYTHING.
What is hard? Literally having to do the dance of....can he listen now? I need help...I can't need help... Is it a good time for him? Did I interrupt? Keep it simple! Yes or no? OMG! YES or NO? EVERYTHING DOES NOT NEED A SERMON FROM THE MOUNT!!!!.....ok ok breathe, breathe....you can do this.....you can have a one sided marriage...what? WTF is that? I don't want that.....I NEVER signed up for that.....the ol' bait and switch.....son of a......
Okay, that's my little scenario....I am NOT upset but I fully recognize the angst that comes from within when it comes to thinking of being in the midst of his idea of marriage...now.....I love being able to separate myself from his chaos.......
He has had 4 years to learn about this........time is up.
I do see merit in what you are saying. And I pretty much agree:-)
I have reached the ....I want a life,done with this, moment.
Your Too Funny...Zapp
Submitted by kellyj on
I do think we share the same brand of humor. I can still see you spitting your coffee out when you read my comment about "band camp". lol It just came out but I know why I said it too. If you don't think I'm not aware of my OCD tendencies...try again.....they're there, I can tell you. Mr all or nothing at your service. lol
What's funny in the things you've said and what I've been doing at home (in reality). Is doing everything the opposite of what I use to do in an effort to go the other way. Well that worked....kind of?? lol
Things are getting done in one areas....but now other things aren't getting done that are less a problem for my wife now....but they are for me. I can hear the same things in what you said but applying them to myself in different areas.
Why is balance soooo damn hard???
If life was a drag strip...and you never had to change gears or make any turns....I'd be just fine. Full steam ahead full throttle....in only one direction. If I learned anything from this experience...that much is clear:)
You hang in there....I'll be enjoying that image of you spitting coffee all over your computer for a good time to come...it made me laugh!! I have my moments. Like.....WTF???? We share that one too. lol
J
Before I Forget
Submitted by kellyj on
"Perfect"....in ADHD'ese...translated means....the same as everyone else on average. Anything above that is no mans land. Literally. lol
Just thought everyone should know :)
J
New Update
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
So... Not sure what is going on with him, he is not following his normal patterns AT ALL right now. Weird.
He sucked it up, and not only went back to work on the backyard in the afternoon, but worked really hard and got some of the biggest jobs done in the hottest part of the day. He also went upstairs and straightened things out in preparation for his Mom and Daughter being here on Sunday. I am grateful, really I am - but utterly confused? LOL
He worked so hard that I broke my "non intervention" rule that I have right now in my work to disengage and disassociate from him, and got him a big glass of ice water and brought it out for him. I really wondered if I should, but my concern for his well being outweighed my need to separate from him. I know this doesnt change anything, I know he is still leaving, but I am actually impressed at what he has accomplished in the last couple of days. Probably more than he has done over a span of months. I hope that he can start to see how keeping his commitments will make HIM feel good on top of making the people he made commitments to feel good as well.
Its way to early to determine if this is a new thing for him, but again- I am hoping it sticks. I am going to try and not assume that he is falling back into old patterns until he actually does. Hard as that might be - but I owe him that respect if he is going to be bold like this and BREAK those patterns. Honestly - he deserves a steak dinner after all of that work. You guys have no idea!
Who would have thought...!
Of course, Stacey....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
acknowledging his effort should be done! When I read your posts I see your spouse moving towards learning to know, understand and then do concerning ADD. It is hard work on their part and encouragement is key. It takes time to break the rhythm that they have been in so long. The same holds true for us.Who doesn't like a little or a lot(for some) of encouragement.
I am not so focused on my H's lack of organization, starting and not finishing things because I have lived a lifetime with that. I chose to let it go long before we knew about ADD. I am good with it. What I care about most is the communication and lack of interest. It has become more of a "just the facts ma'am" way....so that's what he gets....and only if he asks. I am done offering up to a blank look and no response. ....at least my dogs wag their tails when I pay attention to them and when I enter a room they act like ....YAY!!!!
Don't get discouraged. It may not happen as often as you'd like BUT your H appears to really be trying.
Oh, I totally get what you
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Oh, I totally get what you are saying. This is just the 10000th time I have been right here. Every time he has come through I am sure to always give tons of praise, acknowledgement etc. . And then, just when I think he is getting the hang of it, he quits. Part of his self sabatoge. 7 years of half finished, or not even started promises of doing.
Since things have changed, assumption of the relationship is dead,I am no longer focused on him and his issues. Any work now will be in his own. I am not going to tip the scales either direction. I will find ways to show appreciation even if I will not be open about it. Tonight we had dinner as take out from Saltgrass. he has a steak.
And believe me, me, any work he does is truly appreciated, because I know he is doing it as his part of contributing to this household. Just to give you an idea, this project was supposed to have started in August last year. And I have begged, pleaded and bribed to try and get it done. So that he IS doing it is a miracle. I am crossing my fingers that he actually finishes because it will really be a boost to his self esteem even if he isn't overly conscious of it.
You have a
Submitted by Zapp10 on
better handle on your situation than I first thought. Good for you.....and I mean that. Getting a grip on myself was the starting point for me these last few months. Never thought I could do "daily" life without wanting to save the marriage. ONCE I let go of that( it took some time) life began to look up. It helped to have first and foremost in my mind....I do NOT hate my H....I love who he is.....and I love who I am.....whether or not this relationship(marriage) continues.
Rising from the Ashes Like a Phoenix
Submitted by kellyj on
Stacey,
I like the new tag line. It gives me hope. I just watched a video of a woman named Kendra Harrison and it made me think of this. I think there needs to be more discussion on the topic of motivations here on this forum and the differences between women's motivations and men's motivations.
I personally think that motivations are somewhat individual....but there are differences in gender motivations and what makes each one tick. Growing up with 2 older sisters....I found in general....they had (still have ) no clue or understanding about the motivations of men. As I have come to see more and more...(seemingly? and I have no idea why?) that men seem to understand women's motivations and what women want in some ways....better that going the other way around? Why is that? Not that men follow through or actually put the effort in sometimes....but they seem to at least understand the motivations of women more? Maybe that's just me and my experience due to my family situation....but from this experience I had.....I got the impression that what my sisters felt like in their general attitudes..... that men's motivations were kind of stupid, irrelevant, or kind of meaningless and not very important? Especially when it came to things like sports or things of no interest to them. I think this definitely works both ways but I'm still left with impression that the way the genders see motivations sometimes are totally different and assuming that one or the other should be the same is something that I got a lot of at home with my sisters. Seemingly.....not understanding there was a difference...and then not understanding these difference and assuming men are just like they are when it comes to motivations.
I can't tell you how many times I ran into this problem at home. I include my own mother into this category when she would try and teach me things that she felt were important to her that seemingly....was missing this understanding as if men and women both want the same things? (and assuming I had the same motivations as my sisters...and they in turn with me?) It was painfully obvious to me sometimes and I would walk away rolling my eyes and wondering......what don't they get? I'm not a woman...how hard is that to figure out? lol But seemingly....they assumed I'd be the same as they were with the same motivations.
And more importantly....when they were brought to the attention of what my motivations were.....they were quickly dismissed as irrelevant.
This is a huge mistake to make if you are making this kind of assumption IMHO. I've seen this.....experienced...and heard the comments made by both men and woman (both)...in seeing the others motivations as being frivolous and even ridiculous and putting the others down because of it.
I think it's really important to know what you want...in order to know what your motivations are? Of course...how can you know motivation if you don't know what you want?
But I also feel....it's equally important to know what someone else's motivations are....and not dismiss them as being not important even if you don't agree with them.
Motivations are "feelings". Feelings cannot be dismissed or argued over...and above all else.....you CAN"T disagree with another persons feelings. That would be the same as assuming that other peoples feelings are the same as yours? And in the same way....you can't disagree with another persons motivations what ever they are if this is true. (which I feel it is).
Kendra Harrison is a track competitor and runs the 100m Hurdles who missed her chance to go to the up coming Rio Summer Olympics since she only qualified 6th in the US Olympic trials only a couple of weeks ago.
Just two weeks later....she competed in the same event in London during the World Championships that were held there only a week ago.
Human beings are funny creatures when it comes to motivations and making effort in doing things. But I personally believe.....that failure.....can be the greatest motivator of all if you can use that to your advantage.
The only way that can ever take place however....is by giving that person a second chance and see what they do with it.
This video of Kendra Harrison is exactly what I'm talking about. It made me stop and think about second chances and rising from the ashes in your tag line so I thought you might enjoy it? The heart of a Champion? I think it is?
link https://youtu.be/B8anuMyJU2k
J
Yeah.. Self sabatoge...
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Strikes again. We are back to regular patterns of hour long smoke breaks followed by relaxation sessions on the computer playing with a tiny scattering of moving we some boxes, halfway unpacking a couple boxes and mopping the floor. None of the rest of the daily chores, back to "I don't know what to do" for his projects. I am sick today so I guess that means he should not do his stuff. And yesterday it was because his family was here. And the day before he actually got stuff done and had that amazing motivation. I guess he burned out. No job hunting, no working on the garage, no unpacking upstairs, no cleaning of the bathrooms, no washing the windows and the countless other things that need to be done. Things written on a paper taped in the middle of the room.
He writes his own story. I write mine. I hope I feel better tomorrow.