This is my first time posting, though I've read through a lot of the articles on this site in the past. My husband of 10 years was diagnosed with adult ADD last year, and he's slowly gained a lot of insight into his condition. I'm fortunate to have a loving, conscientious husband...everything is great -- except, argh, the ADD! I feel battered down by it and I'm so, so tired...
He's out of town right now and already I feel re-energized. I feel bad that I almost couldn't wait to have the house to myself. But I feel great right now and I want it to stay that way. I've recently been diagnosed with mild depression, and while our marriage is quite strong, it hasn't been a picnic.
I've read so many articles about how I need to start accepting his ADD, and how the non-ADD spouse ought to change their expectations, and how I need to help him come up with solutions -- and I've done all of those things, and we have a really great system going now. The dishes get done, the lawn gets mowed, the trash goes out (well, the dogs don't get walked very much and his gym membership is going to waste, but I've learned to pick my battles). He does what he can around the house, but he won't work on his ADD -- no meds, no more counseling appointments, no new apps to help him stay on track.
I've done everything I can think of, and I'm just bodily exhausted. I can't really explain it, but I'm tired of being half-ignored, and half-depended-upon. I'm tired of bustling around, making lists, solving problems, and maintaining constant vigilance, while an out-of-focus blur stands dazedly in the middle of the kitchen, or sits in the corner with a laptop, hardly bothering to look up.
I feel like I'm living both of our lives, rather than just my own, because there's so much responsibility falling on me (bills, taxes, budgets, insurance, food, health, pets, friends, family, home maintenance, travel plans, on and on) and he just cruises along (I've tried to share the responsibility but that just falls apart -- he loses bills, forgets his mom's birthday, forgets to feed the dogs, so I gave up). It's so draining, and I don't feel like the person I used to be before we got married.
Recently, I got so exhausted that I left the house and stayed with my parents for a night. I wasn't mad, I just said I "needed to do something different." Getting out of the house made me feel like myself a little bit. And my absence seemed to give him real focus. He started organizing his own world a little bit, and he had more insights into how his brain works. I don't want to give off the wrong impression of our marriage, but I'm thinking an occasional night off for myself might help me refocus my own thoughts. We are literally together all the time (at work and at home), so a little time apart might be just what we need.
Has anyone just felt so tired that they can't even get mad anymore? Do any of you take "timeouts" from each other to gain a different perspective? Any suggestions on what else we might try? Thanks for reading and I'm looking forward to participating more in this forum!