Hi, I'm new to this site. My life is turned upside down right now, so I'm trying to get a little support any way I can. My ADD husband just told me that he wants to separate, that he fell out of love with me and that there's no chance of working things out. Even though our marriage has been less than perfect for the past couple years, and I even thought about separation sometimes myself, I am still devastated. He said that I just make him feel bad about himself, and that he deserves to be happy. I know I have become overly critical, unhappy and have lost patience with him because of our problems, but he didn't seem to have any insight into his contribution to our problems. He has many wonderful characteristics and I would be willing to go the therapy route if he would. But I do wonder if it's hopeless. He seems determined that we're over. He was diagnosed late in his teens with ADD and didn't get any treatment other than ritalin at the time. He had a very unsupportive home life. He has actually done ok in his life professionally, but everything else is a mess. Early on in our marriage I convinced him to see a therapist, but that didn't last long, and he didn't want to be on medicine at all. Even the one piece of advice the therapist managed to impart was to exercise everyday, but my husband won't even do that. To vent some of my emotions today I made a list of the things that caused us problems (not saying that I'm perfect at all), just wondering if these are typical ADD characteristics. What do you think? Is my marriage a lost cause, even if I could convince him to go to counselling with me?
-He's self-centered. He complains to me everyday about all the bad things that happened that day, a bad driver on the way to work, a co-worker, his son (my stepson), and never asks how my day was.
-He doesn't pull his weight at home, unless I nag him. He just does'nt notice when something need doing like taking the gargbage out, so it inevitably gets done by me...at which point he often says "oh, I was going to do that"
He is unmotivated. He rarely initiates any home improvement projects, chores, meal planning and shopping etc. But if its something fun that he likes to do like playing video games he'll put in endless hours and effort.
He cannot seem to take care of himself other that basic hygiene. He won't work out, go to the doctor or dentist or financial planner
He resents having to put any effort into our intimate relationship "I shouldn't have to light candles, give massages, play music, it shouldn't be that hard"
He spends money recklessly and impulsively and has no savings, he lives paycheck to paycheck even though he makes a decent living and has little debt...where does it all go? take-out, impulse purchases, alcohol, overspending on hobbies and entertainment.
-indecision over everything. he changes his mind back and forth so many times, and he gets mad at me when I comment on his flip-flopping. It's so hard to make plans when he can't decide anything until the last minute.
he has a short fuse and loses patience if some chore takes longer than a couple minutes. or he gets distracted and spends an hour re-arranging a closet that was fine as it was, while I'm left doing everything else.
- he is undependable. He often doesn't follow through on promises because he forgot.
Ok, I think I've vented enough. Thanks for reading...any of your thoughts/advice would be much appreciated.