My husband and I have been together for 13 years. He has been recently diagnosed with ADHD and began medication this past month. We both always knew he had the disorder (his father is undiagnosed add).
My husband is always looking for stimulation. When we were in our 20s we partied a lot. Lots of drinking... some drugs... That all ended when we got married.. then soon after had our son. When our son reached 3 years old, we both were feeling a little bored with life so we tried the "swinging life style" (swapping partners). My husband was beyond excited! to the point his ADHD ruined everything. He became obsessed with it... hyper-focused on it... talked non stop about it... became overly flirty with my girlfriends.... told most of his guy friends (was furious about this)... didn't handle the rejection very well (lots of rejections in this life style)...the list goes on and on. yes we did have some good times.. but as I looked back, more trouble then it was worth. So I told my husband I wasn't interested in doing this anymore. It just left a bad taste in my mouth every time I thought of it. Honestly, I think I would really enjoy this lifestyle if my husband did not have ADHD. He's just too emotionally unstable and not laid back and cool enough for it. (not sure how else to word that)... Well my husband is pretty depressed about exiting the lifestyle. Yes he agrees that he didn't handle some situations well.. but he has a hard time remembering truly all the negative moments... (he is always living in the now and can't remember how he felt a week ago about something)... But I remember!!! I want to go back to the way things were before we started this life style. He says.. "but there was always hope before... and now there is none... I look at you and see how boring you are... there is no excitement in your life." You would think he was talking to a depressed person. I'm happy! I'm content! I'm almost 40 and like being a wife and mother and living the suburban life. I can't help how I feel. I can't help how he feels. Any advice?
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Um, wow. First off, I don't
Um, wow. First off, I don't believe in swinging, so I can't really relate. But what worries me is that he considers this lifestyle "hopeful". Does he mean that he's hopeful to find someone else who suits his needs better?
You can't help how you feel--that much is true. However, most ADHDers generally need constant stimulation. That's why they play video games, or constantly going and doing. I do remember a time when I was majorly depressed after I got married to my ADHD husband and I didn't want to do anything but go to work, come home and lay on the couch the rest of the night. My hubby, on the other hand, found this kind of lifestyle boring. It came up during our counseling that he didn't like sitting at home all the time. Of course, now I'm not depressed and I like to go and do too. We try to go out to eat or run errands together. Sometimes we day trip to places when we're both off of work. We'd probably do more things like the movies or concerts, if we had the money, but we don't right now. Nonetheless, he seems pretty happy now with our lifestyle.
When was the last time you got a babysitter and went out together alone? You have to make an effort to keep a marriage spicy and that doesn't have to include swinging, or going out and partying either. Maybe you should sit down and ask him, "If we're not swinging, what are your suggestions for keeping our marriage fun?"
Good luck to you.
You're right to be upset.
You're right to be upset. ADHD people sometimes have a short fuse. I know I do. However, you just said you wanted him to stop doing something he enjoys. Of course initially he is going to be mad. He was obviously being impulsive when he said that to you. He didn't think about how it would hurt you like that. I also don't believe he truly thinks you are "boring". If you haven't talked about it yet, talk about it and explain in detail why it hurt you. Make sure you are blunt, clear, and fair. Also, if you think he is targeting your sex life, try different things that just you two can do together- that is if you haven't already. There are sex games you can try, maybe role play...and others that I don't feel like mentioning. Just use your imagination.
I have the exact same problem