I just don't know what to do anymore. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD July 2021, and began medication. We've been married/together for 20 years and this has always been an issue for me. My husband never talks to his family when I'm around. He intentionally ignores their calls, or waits until he leaves the house to call damn near everyone in his immediate family. I've brought this up to him and how it bothers me that we've been together all this time and he still can't seem to call or receive a call from any of them near me. He claims it's because he doesn't want to interfere with our time together. Yet when he wants to go visit them (they live a few states away) he wants me to go with him to help him with any anxiety he has about traveling. When I express my concerns, he claims he's going to start taking/receiving calls to help bridge some of the gap between his family and myself. Great, I'm all for it. But, it never happens. He continues the same behavior.
This just happened last week. His sister called at 10:30pm and he ignored her call and texted her a lie that he was in bed. He was sitting in his recliner. I told him, she called at 10:30pm, she knows your home and she knows your with me, how is it not a problem for her to talk to you when I'm around, but you can't talk with her? This is not the first time. Of course he gets defensive because my approach to the subject wasn't the right one. I'm so used to the defense at this point, I call him on it immediately which usually calms him a little. Not this time. For whatever reason, he continues to defend his actions. He again says "I'm going to do it, but you don't allow that to happen". So, OK. I wait and sure enough, he leaves the house a few days later and immediately calls his sister. After he comes home, he tells me a story about how he was talking to his sister and something she said stuck with him. Of course, I ask the dreaded question..."when did you talk to her?" He immediately hesitates to answer, I'm assuming it was my approach again. Nope, this time he yells at me that I never give him any opportunity to prove himself, and how he wishes I trusted him and his word. When I tell him that I would love to believe and trust him, but his actions and his words don't always match and it causes me to question things. Immediately, he's angry and the argument begins to spiral out of control. I'm still trying to respond calmly, but at this point, he's pushing every button I have to get a rise out of me. I usually fall for this at least once in every argument. I fell for it...again. The entire time I was speaking, his lips were moving and I could hear him, but I had enough at that point, he wasn't listening anymore. I yelled at him to just shut up already. He took this as a threat and a reason to jump out of his chair, push me out of the way and claim he now has to leave. He threatens to leave me often, another ADHD topic for another thread.
I understand and empathize with the fear and trepidation experienced if parts of his life cross over into other parts. He doesn't just do it with me and his family. He seems to compartmentalize his entire life. He has interests that I know about and ask him about or show interest in, but he continues to research or watch videos on that topic while sitting right beside me and never say a word to me about it. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't expect him to tell me everything, but if we're sitting there together in the evening and you're looking at something interesting, why wouldn't you want to share it with the one person you chose to spend the rest of your life with? It's not like they are sensitive subjects, it's usually video games or reaction videos.
I feel like I'm only married to parts of him and that makes me feel like he's hiding/lying something or he tells them a completely different story of his life with me and doesn't want me to hear it. It makes me feel like they don't like me, which he denies, but I fully believe based on both past encounters and some things my husband has let slip.
Does anyone have any experience with their spouse compartmentalizing their life? I'm at a loss and don't know how to deal with this issue.