6 years of a domestic partnership down the drain after a recent stressor came to the forefront. I can't make sense of any of it. My partner (28F) broke up with me (38F) this past week. This is the second time. The first time was due to what she says is this crippling fear of the future and not being able to "get there." That first time she was stressed from her job and this was prior to diagnosis. She said she felt like she needed to be on her own and do her own thing. It was devastating and I took it hard and I accepted it. We didn't create the proper boundaries though, and still went on a trip we had planned together with her parents. Shortly after she received her diagnosis and got on meds. Discovered relationship flight is a thing. We ended up getting back together and she stated that we were in a good place and she was happy. I felt the same. Our relationship has always been healthy, loving, supportive, adventurous, and communicative since day one. Despite disagreements and minor arguments we have always been able to communicate plainly and there were no massive outbursts nor disrespect. Not even during that breakup or this one. Ever since discovering about her diagnosis, I've read books, read posts on forums, med journals/publications. I have accepted it fully and supported her decisions and have done my best to be understanding. She's loving and kind, and loyal and I have never had any gut feelings that made me distrust her. There were bits of frustrations about those behaviours associated with this type of neurodivergence but we've always been able to take a step back and talk about it and find the best way to tackle it. We're quite literally the best team and all our friends and family see it and adore us together. Recently she's dealt with the stress of her mother having to go through an emergency surgery. It was rather scary and was the second time her mother has had an health issue to where she thought she would lose her. We were all at the edge of our seats and a bundle of nerves. Thankfully she made it through, but ever since that happened about two weeks ago my partner shut down, disassociated, and ignored me to the point I felt invisible. It hurt my feelings because I was also worried for her mum and also worried about her. I asked to talk to her and I explained what I felt and told her she wasn't alone and it hurts to see her try to process what's going on. She said sometimes she just doesn't know what to say, so I asked her what she needed. The moment she started to clam up, it was reminiscent of our first breakup talk. I asked her plainly if that's what she wanted and she said yes. I accepted it for face value that it's what she needs but once again I am crushed, disappointed, exasperated, and angry not at her but at ADHD itself. I feel it's robbed her and I of this incredible life we've built. Because of our age difference and since receiving her diagnosis I've always made sure to never pressure her into anything like kids or marriage (and tbh I'm one of those I'm happy whether it happens or not type of people). She's always initiated those talks and we've had many conversations about what our future looks like. I asked her questions like are you still into me, did you fall out of love with me, did you feel we grew apart, do you feel we weren't compatible, and all the answers were no. She broke down and said with other partners it was easy to walk away because she didn't love them. She said she loves my company and our time together, that I am the love of her life and that she's never loved like this before, but when she sees our friends taking the next step like marriage and babies, she says she can't quite "get there." She says she thinks there's trauma from her youth coupled with ADHD that makes taking the next step difficult and she feels "the next step isn't enough of a reason." She says I'm her best friend, and the best partner, and she appreciates me and all I've done but feels like she has to figure out who she is without me and the fear of the future is crippling and she can't quite put it into words. I feel discarded and like im losing everything. I asked if the feeling has been going on for sometime and she said that it started happening when she went to see her mum whilst she was at hospital (so the past two weeks). She said that it hit her that she has this partner who is super supportive but she can't even bring herself to text me to let me know she's ok, and she felt it was an issue. She said she can't go another 6 years and feel this way and feel flighty especially when big things come into the mix like kids and a house. I'm letting her go ofc and gosh the pain of this feels debilitating. Within the week I've lost 7 pounds because I haven't been able to eat. It is just so hard to lose the love of my life like this. Deep down I still feel like she's my person. I hope she gets the therapy she deserves. Part of me holds on hope that maybe in the future we'll meet again but part of me is also ready to just go because I am so heartbroken and I wouldn't want her staying out of guilt and I personally can't go through this a third time. She says it's not because she thinks the grass is greener or that she wants to see other people (she says it makes her sick to even think about other people) and I believe everything she's told me but I just don't understand why out of everything, a good loving relationship she says she valued had to give. For those with ADHD have you ever regretted something like this? Do some of you break up and get back together? For Non-ADHD folks have you been in my situation and held out hope? Did they come back and did you let them back into your life? Also, do you just cut this person out of your life forever? I just am such at a loss and massively confused. We did promise each other not to let each other struggle financially for a bit, and to have each other's backs from a distance. We will share custody of our dog on a 90/10 situation (her dog primarily) and be each other's emergency contacts until we move on and have well adjusted within our own separate spaces. For now we're cohabitating until I can find a place and we've started separating this current space so we can have the boundaries.
My ADHD Partner Broke Up With Me and Need Insight
Submitted by mynameislarn on 10/07/2022.
I have ADHD. This fear of
Submitted by Courage87 on
I have ADHD. This fear of the future is crippling. I know it. I have it right now with my fiancee. With me, I know myself very well. I know I love her and know she loves me too. My ADHD causes me to be distant sometimes. She feels alone and ignored. I think I'm doing everything right. I check up on her, ask her if she needs anything, I suggest things. But I am perfectly fine going back to whatever I'm interested in at that moment. But she feels unimportant or ignored when I go do that other thing. We communicate. I obsess about it because I'm hyper focused on fixing it. It gets in the way of work and my focus on that. It's a struggle for me. I always do my best to try to change and be more attentive. It gets better for awhile. But inevitably I have ADHD. I get hyper focused on something and she feels ignored and alone again. I feel like I do give her a lot of attention. But I do get lost in my own world sometimes. It's worse for our situation because she is on a J-1 Visa and has literally no one here for support. She hasn't seen her family in 3 years and if we get married it could be another 3 years because of the process. She won't be able to work for a year and she has never been unemployed. She will have to depend on me. I am all she has here. I have only recently gotten my professional life on track. I see a good future. But the relationship can put that at risk. I have the responsibility of a whole other person and This puts more pressure on me. She is my first real relationship, she has been extremely compromising with me. She moved in with me even though I live with my dad in a big house. Unlike your situation I have known I have had ADD for 29 years. I know how it impacts me. I have had many struggles and made it pass each of them. Yet I don't know how this current one will end. I'd hate for this to be a learning experience for me. When an important decision comes up or a change happens I respond in a similar way. I become paralyzed because I hyper focus On the new thing. Her problem becomes my problem and I turn into the needy one. It always becomes my problem, I feel so guilty. I know I have this ADHD. I don't want it to define me but a part of me knows it's something I can't change. It's going to take work. It is exhausting. I feel bad, i question the relationship. Am I just not fit for this. It makes me feel weak. I don't want to hurt her, but this is who I am. I question if it would be better for my health and better for her if we move on from each other. Maybe your partner feels this way. She knows her struggles. Her struggle ends up hurting you which makes it more of a struggle for her. She feels selfish. She knows that it is going to be an issue when new challenges arise. She doesn't know if she is going to be able to handle it and it is not fair to you.
It feels like a mistake
Submitted by Serenapeterson on
After reading your story and what she did and said, I feel like she acted from a place of not knowing what to do aboit being a disappointment to you and herself. Sometimes it gets hard to fight the stupid things we do that end up making our partner feeling unimportant, or to consistently not do them. I would imagine therapy and Cognitive Behavioral therapy could help and other things to deal with past trauma. It feels limeke a mistake to me that she gave up even though she loves you deeply. If you don't repairing this and you drift away, I am sure she will regret it, but that regret won't help either of you feel better. Have you tried couple's therapy with someone who is familiar with ADHD? She may not ever be perfect in refraining from hurting your feelings, but maybe she can cut down on those incidences. I believe there can be strategies. Structure is a wonderful thing to help us feel more "normal' and less likely to drift off oit of sight without a word until we resurface. I have to consciously make an effort to stay in contact with my husband. We have to have set plans for me to not get lost in something for hours.
Try to make toirself happy and heal from the hurt this has caused, but don't be afraid to not give up on her if you love her. If all she has is a desire to be a better friend and partner to you even with no hope of how to do it, you can figure it out together. If she didn't love you, hurting your feelings wouldn't bother her so much.