Tonight we were talking about politics for an hour laying in bed and from time to time he had outburst of energy he was laying down relaxed then sitting up with excitement and big eyes, we could be talking about a single topic and he ends up on a different one then zones out, I reminded him to try to lay down with me while we were talking and he did his best, after we were done talking he asked if we could do research and I felt overwhelmed, I felt extremely drained after trying to keep up through the conversation and Bringing him back to the topic every single time he railed off, I’ve had worked a 12 hour shift, it was almost 11 pm and I knew his pattern and the research wouldn’t end till 3 am with him falling asleep crashing from all the energy he just burned and me staying up feeling uneasy. I told him I didn’t want to do research, i told him I was exhausted and he said okay then when I went on to talk to him about how I felt emotionally drained and he got angry at me calling me childish, telling me I didn’t love him for him.
and we have had a serious situation in previous days when out of anger he threatened to change the locks, leave my things in the street and leave me homeless which a day later in the evening he promised he will start his medication blaming his outburst on his ADHD, and today when I brought up the patterns he told me it wasn’t fault of his ADHD, he said that he thought we were having a good time but now he knew it wasn’t having a good time and this hurt, I did have a good time I was just extremely drained and it hurts that every single time I am not allowed to express how I feel and he expects me to hear how he is feeling insulting me then when I am feeling extremely bad I ask him to please stop because I know he will regret the things he said in the morning then he accuses me of never listening to him and is not fair because he doesn’t listen to me and when he wants to express his feelings is always degrading me. He exit our room and I followed him to ask him to please listen to my feelings instead of shutting them down then he got angry, I went back to my room and he kept coming in and out the room saying hurtful things to make me feel bad. Like I mentioned we had a big issue a couple days ago and I gave him a chance because he said he’ll take medication and go to therapy but I feel hopeless and embarrassed that I am letting someone treat me so bad, who I can’t communicate my feelings with when he hurts me and then he always says I am making something out of nothing and gets angry at me and I am left feeling confused and wondering why is he angry at me I am hurting. I have tried to break up with him which makes him treat me horrible then he comes to me saying that he wants to keep trying and that everything will be better, and I believe him every time and I feel so guilty for doing so. I love him so much and I don’t know what I can do to have that man I feel in love with back. I am scared of leaving him out of fear of his insults and him leaving me homeless and destroying my things. Can anyone relate ? I feel so alone, I just wanted to tell him how I felt and he never wants to hear it, he made me feel guilty for feeling drained and that I shouldn't be.