Hi everyone, im new to this forum and can very much identify with many of the issues discussed on here
I have been with my ADHD partner for 4 years now. Married now for 2 years.
From the very begining of our relationship I knew something was wrong, ive never encountered anyone like him ever. The immense energy (extremly loud, nonstop talking, all over the place, extremly touchy etc) short attention span, not reading body language etc. But I was in a bad place when we got together and was glad about his other side, very loving, affectionate, would do anything for me, constant poems to me, just made me feel like the most special girl in the world, which instantly hooked me.
So I put up with all the bad stuff, and there was alot of it. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a kid but he never really mentioned he had adhd to me when we first started dating. Since I had no idea, I assumed he just had a very "unique" personality.
We have had many problems in our relationship, however the biggest problem is with him being overly sexual/perverted and lying constantly. ill give some examples:
- After we first got together I started to notice he followed alot of pornstars on social media (I guess that shouldve been my first red flag maybe), I expressed to him I dont want that kind of thing in my relationship if we are to continue dating because I was in a previous marriage where my ex husband followed pornstars on social media and eventually left me for one (so im fairly sensitive to it), so he unfollowed all them and promised me it would never happen again. 2 weeks later he's following them again and when I asked him about it his response was "what do you expect? you dont give me anything naughty". The only reason I didnt give him anything naughty was because we were still kind of new in our relationship and at this time our relationship was long distance, I was working my way up to sending him things and I told him that previously.
- He has told me before and I quote, "my sister is damn hot". And the first time I ever met her (was christmas eve) he groped her breasts infront of me. The sister laughed and it was a "joke" between both them it seemed, but I found it incredbily innapropriate and uncomfortable. And he couldnt understand why I was mad about that.
- Tells me every female he finds hot and attractive, we have even been naked cuddling before and he will do that. Ive asked him to please stop and he promises but keeps doing it.
- He has promised me he would stop talking to pornstars online via social media, he has broken that promise 3 times over just months. And when I bring it up he yells at me even though he is the one being deceptive
- For my birthday one year he bought me a $10 top (one that was complete opposite ide ever wear, so it felt like lack of paying attention to what my style is) and weeks later he expressed he wanted to buy a girl hes friends with online (hes never met her, shes in a complelty different country) a $400 gift (something I would use). I asked him "why" and he told me "just to be nice". So I get a $10 top for my bday and a girl online I dont know and hes never met gets a $400 gift "just to be nice". Which raises suspicions to me.
- There have been times I have gone to him crying and ill be sitting there crying my eyes out looking for support from him and within 5 min he will start talking about how he wants sex with me
- Nonstop tells me how much he needs and wants sex every single day. We cant have a normal conversation with him turning it sexual
- I cant have a shower, or get changed without him trying to have sex with me. There have been many times where im trying to get changed and he comes up behind me and knocks me over trying to have sex with me. Even a little glimpse of my cleavage he tries to have sex with me. Or even just a simple quick hug he tells me hes turned on and needs sex now. Its literally everytime
- When I finally did give him naughty photos, he showed all his friends online. Which left me completly mortified.
- When we do have sex he is constant "gogogofastfastfast". He goes super fast and when hes done 2 seconds later he demands more. Sex is only about him, he has never made me cum or asked what I like. He is rough and fast and just nonstop going.
- Strikes up conversation with every female when we are out. Never any males, just females. We have been on dinner dates and he will chat up the waitress for 20min straight and flirt with her right infront of me. (I dont have an issue with him talking to females at all, but its EVERY female and never men)
- There was one time (at this time we were long distance dating for 2 years) I was feeling very suicidal at the time, I was being heavily stalked and threatend by someone and I had to get the police involved. It was a very scary time for me. My partner knew what I was going through and knew I was suicidal because of what was happening. I went quiet for about a day and a half and within that timeframe my partner started following pornstars again on social media. I confronted him on it and his response was "oh..well I thought you killed yourself thats why I started following them again". I cant tell you how much that hurt me.
- The one that bothers me alot is, when he wants sex he demands it. There have been countless times where hes touching me and expresses he wants sex and I just simply say "not right now im not feeling well" he will pursue it and keep touching me. Ill say "No" 5 times over, give him body language im uncomfortable, ill back up or move away and he will still pin me and constantly tell me "But I want it" and then he will have sex with me.
theres lots more scenarios but I dont want to make this too lengthy.
Dont get me wrong, I love sex and being sexual and intimate. However things like this deter me away from wanting sex with him. Its just nonstop him wanting sex and lying with him (also his other ADHD symptoms, we have the parent-child dynamic which kills sex for me). Ive expressed to him over and over these things push me away from having sex with him and if these things stop ide definatly be open to have more sex. Ive even suggested we try new things to spice things up, ive got us intimacy books for us to read together so we can be more intimate etc, I just need these over the top overly being sexual and pervy things to stop. Ive read adhd books to try and understand all this better, ive tried to sit down and communicate with him and nothing ever changes. I feel like im losing my mind and that im with someone who is just a perv and who just wants me for only sex
I guess im just lost. Ive told him so many of his actions have emotionally destroyed me but it feels like he doesnt care, im so close to filing for a divorce. To me it sounds like a sex addiction and ive brought this up to him (not aggressively like blowing up at him) and to maybe see some counselling and he freaks out on me and tells me he doesnt have a sex problem and blows up at me and says all these things are minor and normal. Can anyone help me make sense of things...or have any of you been in a similar situation?....