Hey so my boyfriend of 2 and a half years has Adhd. At first I didn't think it was a big deal and in all honesty I just thought it meant he just had a little more energy than most people. However, now certain things about his adhd really get to me and I don't know how to feel about them. For example, he seems to have no filter. He says whatever is on his mind and sometimes things he says can be hurtful. He's not a hurtful person but he just tells me things that most bf's wouldn't tell gf's. Like his sexual temptations, what he would rather be doing than talking to me, or personal details about his family or his past relationships. A lot of the things he says really affect me. It can also get annoying when he doesn't concentrate on what I say or when he forgets very sentimental details about our relationships. We get into a lot of intense arguments. We are also in a long distance relationship so it can be harder to communicate over the phone. We see each other at least one weekend a month, and for winter/spring/ and summer vacations. He recently got off aderol because he said it made him cranky and is taking a milder medication. However, we just got into a fight because he had a fight with his parents. He came to me when I was stressed and started complaining about his depression and his anxiety and I just wasn't ready for it. He also has this habit of picking his face and it drives me crazy sometimes.
Despite all of this I love him like crazy and we have talked about getting married one day. There are a lot of things about him that I love and make me think he is the one. For example, he is very romantic and helps me when I am having problems. He is very affectionate and forgiving and he can always make me laugh. I also have never met a man who wants to be a father as much as he does. However, these problems that he says are caused by adhd worry me. It feels wrong to break up with someone because they have adhd, but then again I have to think about my future happiness. I guess I am scared that the intensity caused by adhd will only get worse and make me miserable.
I could really use some advice from people who know more about the subject.
P.S- We are both 20 years old and he is my first bf
Meds and depression & anxiety
Submitted by sunlight on
Hi, you mention that your boyfriend didn't do well on Adderall and is now taking something else, but also you say that he mentioned his "depression and his anxiety". It is fairly normal that someone with ADHD also has other conditions as a result of their life-long struggles with the ADHD. If he is actually wanting to talk about his depression and anxiety then he probably feels they are quite serious problems. It is quite possible that his doctor could prescribe meds additional to the ADHD med he is taking, or that some other therapy could help especially with the anxiety (you don't mention, for example, if he exercises or does sports, either of which might help). You could suggest to him that he reviews his meds with his doctor. It might then take time to get a better combination of meds, so you might both need to be patient, but it would be very worthwhile to explore the possibility with his dr.
Also people with ADHD usually focus intently at the beginning of relationships (the famous 'hyperfocus') and then relationships often change as the excitement wears off. This does not have to mean that his feelings for you have changed, but you need to bear in mind that if you two get together (as opposed to the long distance relationship) then that will likely cause him some overload due to the increased intensity of your constant presence and if you know that might occur then you won't be so surprised and will be better prepared to cope. So you would face some adjustments ahead. But it does seem that first he needs to address his depression and anxiety, and re-evaluate the meds. After that then you can start to get a better picture of what a longer-term relationship would bring. Right now it seems that he is not functioning at his best.
Hope this helps somehow.