At my breaking point, violence

I don't know what happened for this to escalate this way.  I am at home today on a day off and was cleaning.  My husband came home at lunch to grab a bite to eat and get back to work.  He chose this time to complain at me.  He opened the fridge door and seen two small containers of raspberries we had bought last sunday.  He started to accuse me of not eating them in time before they've gone bad and why the hell would I buy three containers of raspberries and only eat one and waste the other two.  

This has been an arguement that has happened SOOOO many times over food.  I yelled back at him saying he lives her too he can just as well eat them if it bothers him so bad that they go to waste. But then he counters with he doesn't want them he didn't buy them he wasn't going to eat them.  I said you are going to fight with me over 5 dollars?!  I also pointed out that he buys an entire loaf of bread and eats four slices of it then throws it in the garbage too. (I dont eat bread because of gluten intolerance).  He said that doesn't matter because it's only 2 dollars.  !!!!!!!!!!!

At this point we are both screaming at each other, and he threw a kitchen towel at me then proceeded to cus at me and say he hates me. Then he washed the raspberries and took them with him and left.

World War III over 5 dollar raspberries. REALLY!?!?!!?  

Is my husband a huge jerk or does this relate to ADHD symptoms? Maybe something happened at work the first part of the day I don't know.  But its not like he was opening the door and was like, oh there's raspberries going bad, we should eat them. But no, he blamed me for over spending and buying what I cannot consume. Then he said that we should split the fridge down the middle and each buy our own food. !!! 

I'm so tired of living like this.  Why can't I buy the food I want? Why is he controlling this?! I never once gave him a hard time over throwing the majority of bread in the garbage every week!!

Now i'm sitting here crying and just don't know what to think.

And to top this all off, he

And to top this all off, he says "I dont know what the hell is wrong with you to be yelling at me like this and fighting" "You're a freaK"

I know it sounds simple...and

I know it sounds simple...and cliche...but just don't fight with him over stuff like this. My guess is that he probably really does not care that much about the money wasted, it is just a way to pick a fight and get some kind of 'fix' by fighting with you...or somehow prove some point he's out to prove to himself..maybe that you're the bad guy?

Just don't argue. An argument takes two...he cannot do it if you don't participate. Ignore the comments, recognize them as a 'trap' and simply don't fall for it. Many times I fight the old urge to be 'right' or to 'defend' myself in the face of his 'picking' at me this way...but I simply don't do it anymore. This isn't about raspberries...or $5...and it isn't worth fighting over. You will most likely have to re-train yourself NOT to react to this kind of thing...but it will help YOU a TON. (((HUGS)))

Thanks for your reply. I

Thanks for your reply.

I agree with you 100%, in the heat of the moment it is just SO hard to do.  Especially when we've had this same argument a million times. Every time we had this fight, later on things would calm, and he would agree to not cause a fight over groceries. We would both shop together, stick to a list and weekly meal plan, and thats it. No comments about what to get or don't get that or why did this go to waste. So when he AGAIN started a fight over it, knowing from a million times before that we had AGREED to not cause a fight about it, he just did it ANYWAY.  Thats what set me off to fight back to him. It just frustrated me so much that he had to do it.

I think thats why we have so many fights because I always defend myself and lash back at him.  And you are right over something so trivial, it wasn't worth it. I should have just went about what I was doing and ignore him. 
 

I just don't understand why he needs to pick a fight about something so stupid and minor.  How do you have the strength to not fight back? Is there something you say in your head to prepare yourself to not lash back when your spouse is starting something?  I wish I had more understanding of why he has to be like that. 

The fact that it is an 'old'

The fact that it is an 'old' argument, that really does not have a solution or point would make it very easy for me to walk away from it. What has it helped all this time to react to his bait or what has changed? Obviously nothing...you'll go from point A to point Z (he'll say something ugly...then "later on things will calm down") but you don't have to have B, D, K, S, and Y thrown in...just let him rant and ignore him and eventually you'll get to point Z without all of the hard feelings. 

Your adrenaline gets going...and you've been "trained" to react this way...by automatically going into 'fight' mode. I just pretty much don't even physiologically react anymore, so I don't have to battle my adrenaline driven urges to 'fight' or 'flight'. It didn't happen overnight, but I just kept telling myself over and over again that it wasn't worth it for ME to get upset, it wasn't worth it to say what I wanted to say (was DYING to say)..knowing it wouldn't change HIS perception and he wasn't going to change mine. Even if he TRULY feels it was a waste of money and that genuinely upset him...there is nothing you can say to change that so why argue over it? I don't even acknowledge something that I KNOW is an intentional attempt to pick a fight or attack me. AT ALL. I mean NOT AT ALL anymore. That behavior from him has decreased significantly...and I am just in a much better place personally. 

You see it as 'defending' yourself...so did I. You're not. You're just interacting with someone who probably isn't, at the moment (especially if he's mad), capable of having a rational thought and especially isn't capable of seeing things from your point of view. Save your breath. Ignore him. Do it for you...not for him. You'll eventually learn that you feel a whole lot better about yourself when you don't...and you won't have to muster the strength. Breathe...pray...and just talk yourself through it. "I Love myself  and care enough about my marriage not to lose control of my emotions...this is not worth it and nothing I say will make things any better"...that's what I would tell myself. 

You are completely right,

You are completely right, nothing I said in that situation, had him come to the realization that it was stupid to fight over. Me continuing back at him just caused him to repeat himself over and over why he thought he was right.  I guess I have to let go of the hope that he just won't fight with me over something like that.  He just will. He will bring up things that irk him that I find stupid and not worth irking over. Thanks for your good advice.  I will be honest in saying I hate myself for how I react to him. I get angry and scream back. We've had really bad fighting episodes that have resulted in pushing/shoving etc. We push each others buttons.   I need to just walk away. Walk away. I NEED to realize that if he says something I disagree with, no matter what I say or do, he will not change his opinion.  I need to just walk away and if I don't, we will fight.

But my predicament is, he still feels that I shouldn't be buying 3 containers, and I still feel like I want to buy 3 containers. If we avoid the fight about it, then we both still have conflicting views. When we go to the store to get groceries and I want to put it in the cart, I can see him fighting at the store and saying we don't need that many, and him putting them back on the shelf.  At this point, to avoid the fight, I would have to let him get "his way".  Then I am always the one not satisfied. You know?  Hmmm.... but I guess I could go on my own and pick up the last 2.  Writing this out seems ridiculous lol.  Really am I really figuring out how to get three containers of raspberries without a blow out fight ensuing.

 

 

 

 

Your husband is completely out of line

Your husband is completely out of line to fight with you over something so trivial.  Especially to have a screaming match over it, and I agree with Sherry that he is probably looking to self-medicate with a fight.

However, that said, wasted food drives me completely bonkers.  Not screaming and yelling at my husband bonkers (because DUH we both are clearly involved in wasting it!).  But I hate hate hate hate hate it.  And if we had bought 3 containers of raspberries a week ago and only eaten one of them, I am afraid I would be on board with not buying 3 next time, since we clearly didn't need 3.

Why is it so important to you to have 3 containers, if they weren't eaten?  Do you shop weekly?  I ask because when I am getting fresh fruit, I pretty much have to shop weekly.  I just think if he objects to 3 containers.........and I can see why he would because I would and I am not ADD........then just get 2 and pick up more next time?  Or our Sam's Club has a delicious frozen berry blend that I buy because rotting fruit is an issue we have had, so even though it doesn't taste as good, I can use what I want and not waste any fruit that way.

Again, I don't think this battle is MAINLY over fruit on his end, but even unreasonable arguments might have some basis in a problem that can be solved.  I guess I am not understanding why you feel the need to plan how to avoid a fight while still getting 3 containers of raspberries when you didn't need 3 last week.  Do you normally need 3 and that was just an unusual week?  If that is the case, and he wanted me to not get 3 the next time, I might say "Babe, I know there was a problem with eating all the raspberries last week, but I usually do eat 3 and I would like to have them."  And if he objects just go with 2 to save the peace and pick up the other one later as needed.

Hope you can find a solution.  Those stupid fights seemingly over nothing are the worst part of ADD to me.  When we realized it was about getting adrenaline or dopamine or whatever a lot of the time, I was very hurt and really only got over because my husband apologized sincerely for using me that way and we both have worked hard not to fall into the stupid fighting routine.  To be honest, the stupid fights that are hard to let go come from me just as often as him nowadays. 

I think we have XYZ's problem now in that I used to be able to make my pissy comment cause I had PMS or whatever and something annoyed me.  And while he is clearly doing that thing, he feels like defending himself for all the times he didn't defend himself, so he objects (rightly of course) to my tone about it, and then we have a fight about the way we fight.   Stupid stupid stupid.  Sherry is right........we need to all work on not reacting and not commenting back.  No one can fight all by themself.  It takes very few married years to know the buttons to push if you are itching for one though :(

This fight over stupid

This fight over stupid raspberries is so stupid in my opinion.  We do shop weekly for groceries since we mostly eat fresh fruits and veggies.  This week wasn't typical because I had two work luncheons I had to attend so I wasn't home to eat as often for lunch.  The prior week I had gone through them all by midweek.  Today we went shopping and I felt guilty for buying any, so I didn't purchase any.  I also noted that they were $1.96. So he was fighting over a couple of dollars.  I find it to be quite annoying for him to get mad at me for not eating all the fruit before it goes bad, when he is fully capable of eating it.  Since we had already purchased it and it made him so angry that it would go to waste, he should have just ate it then he wouldn't have to fight with me!

I know it sucks food going to waste, but quite honestly, we don't throw that much away, since we buy weekly we stick to meal plans and only buy for what we are going to eat each day.  But sometimes you just can't help some food going bad before you can eat it.  It doesn't bother me so much because I guess I grew up with some food going to waste as the norm.  I think it bothers him more because he grew up in a big household and no food ever went to waste since there was three boys at home.

Anyways I just hope we can move past this argument.  He did apologize for fighting with me which was good. I also apologized as well. I will try real hard not to overreact and fight as well.

I guess he is STILL mad at me

I guess he is STILL mad at me over this now, he texted me and said "i'm going to be awhile selling a big package so you better not wait for me"  we had plans to go out tonight together with friends and I know he said he didnt want to come earlier in fighting, but figured after he cooled down he would still come.  I texted him back saying "does that mean you won't come with me then?" no response.  HE IS IGNORING ME!! This is so frustrating.  I guess I will just go out tonight without him. F this.

Yes, this is probably just as

Yes, this is probably just as you suspect...because he is still carrying the grudge...and meant to 'punish' you. Go without him...and fake it until you make it...pretend to have fun until you finally are able to have fun without his being present. You are capable of having a good time without him, you probably do it every day...but we become very dependent on them to behave a certain way, participate in everything with us, etc...or we feel nothing but 'loss' and 'pain'. It's insane. Life will go on. Go without him...it isn't the end of the world...and you do NOT want to react to THIS 'bait' with anger either.

Also...stop beating yourself up...I spent years and years 'reacting' like someone I didn't even recognize. I, too, hated myself. Once I recognized the physiological affects I was battling, I was able to keep myself better under control so that I didn't have that adrenaline pushing me to be someone I know I would regret later. 

Lastly, if you need to go alone to buy the amount of food you WANT to buy, then do it. Ideally you could get him to agree that sometimes food will be wasted because life circumstances get in the way of 'routine'...promising to minimize this to the best of your ability...and him giving his word that he won't react this way in the future. So many things are wrong with this situation that it just SCREAMS "this is not about raspberries!!!". Why couldn't he put them in a baggie/container and freeze them when he saw them going bad? Why would he feel it OK to go off on you over it? Even accepting that this is just a possible inherent difference in your beliefs, he still has no right to dictate what you eat, what you would like at the grocery store (as you said, you fully intended to eat them!), and certainly no right to treat you like crap over it. It is a silly fight, but my guess is there will always be some 'silly' fight if you don't put an end to this BS ASAP. You're right, he might always try this form of 'stimulation' but if you stop reacting he will 'relearn' too and the pattern will stop. It might get worse before it gets better, but if you take the 'thrill' out of this for him, he will stop. 

I laughed so hard when I read

I laughed so hard when I read this.my add husband acts the same way about food.he will yell and scream if the bananas sit on the counter too long.he will go into yelling fits if something sits in the fridge to long.he says why did I buy it if I wasn't planning on eating it.i must admit I'm guilty of throwing perfectly good bananas,strawberries  ,and yes raspberries in the garbage.i hate doing it but it's so much easier than listening to his rants.i would rather let him think me and the kids ate the food than listen to him yell about us not eating it.i have my hands full with him and his outbursts.he gets mad at the stupidest things,the only time I get any relief is when he goes overseas to visit his family.i hope he leaves soon so me and my kids can have some peaceful moments.