January 28, 2011 I wrote a letter to my ADHD spouse that I would no longer be controlled by his anger. What I thought at that point in time was the problem in our relationship was me - that I bent and swayed and yielded and allowed myself to be controlled by anger.
So I stopped the participation in the cycle of anger. When he tried to yank my chain, I did not yank back. When he started to argue, I walked away. When he was rude to me, I stated I would not accept being treated that way, and walked away.
I am fairly certain I have gone through all five stages of mourning the realization that it was NOT just me after all - and changing my behavior did not bring about the desired/hoped-for/wanted result in my relationship to my spouse. I am at peace with me - but not in my life conditions nor relationship. I have a job I like, I am continuing taking college classes towards a business degree, I keep up my hobbies, and try my darndest to just let go of trying to keep up with cleaning up after my spouse. I like basic tidiness, clean enough by at least getting rid of the big chunks, and putting things back where they belong at the end of the day, unless they are being used in the project at hand. I have many circles of friends with whom I enjoy spending time.
Whether purposely or not, I feel disrespected by my spouse. His self defensive behavior felt controlling because he would use the silent treatment to ignore me until I couldn't take it anymore and swayed my opinion to return peace in our home. He would deny my own feeling and experiences by claiming if HE didn't PURPOSELY act in contempt towards me, I was WRONG to feel however I felt. He acted as he had the right to speak for me or put words in my mouth that I didn't even speak. He was sarcstic, and changed the subject to something he would rather talk about - usually something that was totally opposite of the issue at hand. Like: "You can't be mad at me for being late, I did such-and-such for you last week." Like one behavior would counter act the other.
This happens so often, it is an undesirable atmosphere in which to live.
So the conflict for me, why it is an issue, is I DO NOT want a divorce. I DO NOT want to HAVE to go jump-start a career at at 54 years of age to support myself. I do not want to have to get a 9-5 job to support myself.
Curses. I am unable to get him to see things from my point of view. Or even accept/understand/have empathy towards how much his negative ADHD behaviors affect me. It is all about him. Grrrrr.
Any steps to adjust my own behavior? Anything I am missing that seem so obvious to the outside reader?