my first post... I'm emotionally drained

I was just browsing while we were on vacation and found this site.... i honestly never thought my husbands adhd could be the cause of our problems... but as i began to read ... it was like a movie of my life.  We have been married for 5 years.  I was married before and he unfortunately commited suicide.  I was young and we were not together for a very long time but still a painful thing to go through at such a young age (18).  Im going to jump straight into things because i honestly have no one to talk to about these issues....no one.... and i feel trapped inside my own head because i can not express my feelings to him.  He blew up at me earlier for flipping through pics to quickly.... I KNOW!  well i do what i usually do and just close down... and he just kept yelling and changing the reason he is upset.... i waited till i thought everything was calm and i asked him if he had any suggestions of what we can do to stop fighting like this........a little back story...... we had our daughters 2 years ago and honestly things have not been great since i was 9 months pregnant.  I have gotten to the point of recording him (for myself) because he just sits there and calls me crazy over and over again and wont even let me talk.... i almost believe him sometimes but most of the time i just give up, shut down and just close myself off...  i did that tonight... and i just feel bad for myself... i dont know how anyone would deal with it.... in the recording he just starts in on me telling me I cant stop????? i didn't say a word at this point..... then he just starts taunting and screaming at me... this is hours after our original argument.... i feel so tense in this situation... after he is done ranting and raving... then he proceeds to ask me if im finally done..... i honestly can't believe it gets that bad.... well okay we went on vacation and all was good until (honestly i dont even know why he was mad but i got the brunt of it ) he got bbq  well he just starts griping at me and then proceeds to tell me that im a piece of s***.... at this point i do the opposite of what i should do and i just start crying.... he absolutly hates that and lays into me more then....so he throws a tantrum.... the next day it is like it was all my fault.... but he is willing to forgive me..... ( our friend was with us and honestly it has gotten to where all of our friends are like "im sorry, he is getting out of control"  but why doesnt anyone talk to him? oh well .... we went to eat that day and he got a bit anxious.  I accidently knocked one of our children's cups over (it had a lid so there was no mess)  he stops gives me a nasty look and says, "im sick of looking at you"  all i can do is hold back the tears... the really mean comments have been flying lately.... two weeks ago he told me that he knows why my ex killed himself now....now why would any human being say that to another?  even though i know not to believe him.... i have demons in my own court from that one.... well luck would have it the next day i bump into my ex FIL  i havent seen him since my ex's funeral.... my husband is still throwing it in my face and is unapologetic about it and anytime i try to tell him how i feel i get "Stop living in the past"  Our arguments have gotten to the point to where it is just him yelling and arguing with basically himself while i just sit there...im just soooo  hurt and i read some things that may help and im trying to apply them but it is hard when he is so mean and honestly neither of us can tell you why he is mad.... his reason changes so rapidly.  He wants to get therapy and i fully support that!  i did the first time (bad experience the dr basically used him as a guinea pig for seraquil which my husband did not want to take he hated the way it made him feel but the dr barely talked to him and just handed him a script... not what my husband wanted)  i forgot to mention he is a drinker.... he drinks excessively.  im sorry i dont mean to rant and rave (which i feel like im doing) but im honestly just stressed and i have no one to talk to.... i hate fighting with him i love him so much and i feel like he just hates me..... he has such crazy mood swings.... he was diagnosed with adhd when he was a child and again as a teen and adult.... i think he may have a bit of depression too..... im sorry for ranting again i just needed to vent abit..... thank you.... -shan.... how does anyone deal with this?  im getting to the end of my rope.....

I hear you loud and clear,

I hear you loud and clear, Shan.  Unfortunately, this is something I experience as well.  The blowouts over the tiniest things, the ranting that can last forever, the blaming, the cruel verbal abuse....  Our latest episode was over me not wanting to display the Christmas dishes he found buried in the garage, like he wanted me to (Christmas had been over for about a week).  He got really mad about it, blew up, told me I was a stupid selfish b*tch, hopped in his car and took himself out to dinner (I took this as a direct attack since we've talked about this and he knows I think it's rude to go out to eat without thinkin' about the kids).  I don't know if the way I cope is right or wrong, but I've gotten to where I don't want to tell him anything.  Not my feelings, my views, my thoughts, or what goes on in my day.  It's all stored to be used against me when he sees fit.  I don't try to end the verbal abuse with reason or by defending myself, I just let him rant while I tell myself "I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bad person."  If I can't hear myself over him, I say it out loud.  It doesn't make him stop, but it atleast prevents me from hearing most of his toxic comments.

I really do feel for you as i

I really do feel for you as i too am in the same boat. I just wish i had answers but how are we meant to live with the constant putting down and physical abuse. It really does take its toll on you. The drinking though must stop and he needs to take the medication. Alcochol has been proven not to make the meds work and if he is not taking meds and drinking than he is not helping himself. He needs to look after his body. All i can say is if you are going to stay he has to also be prepared to make changes and please remember as much as he tells you you are not worthy you are. Dont let those cruel words dictate who you are.

Trying to put it simply, a

Trying to put it simply, a person with ADD feels like a perfectly 'normal' person. But we deal with struggles because of the overwhelming sensations that we experience every day when it comes to the millions of thoughts racing through our minds at the same time. Remember those pictures that look like a collage of tiny shapes and colors and you had to stand and stare at them for a while in order to see the picture? Well, that is what it is like in an ADD mind pretty much 24/7. That is the kind of effort it sometimes takes us to focus. It is terribly overwhelming and exhausting. When things go wrong in the world around us we typically don't have the tools to immediately see a fix or solution. Or if someone is 'nagging' then our millions of thoughts just sort of implode when urgency enters the picture and that is where the short fuse comes from.

Research suggests that it is a common trait of people with ADD to have a short fuse. It is not something we do intentionally to act like an ass. It is just there. The short fuse, however, it is not an instant answer to the anger issue. Another common trait is that we tend to 'obsess' over what we think is wrong. For some ADDers it is easy to get carried away with the feeling that you've bee 'wronged' by someone else's behavior. That may or may not be because we've told for most of our lives that our behaviors or words are inappropriate in regard to our 'filter' issue. So then we tend to try very hard at times to keep ourselves on track with the exact right behavior.. hence when someone else acts like an ass it is then easier to obsess over it - though not right.

My husband also has ADD and has blow-ups and says nasty things - he's done it several times and it has left lasting scars on our relationship. I'm not sure that has anything to do with his ADD other then the fact that the narcissistic personality behaviors seem to shine when he doesn't take his medicine like he should.

What I hate to see is for the spouses or anyone else to blame the mean, rotten and/or psychotic behaviors on ADD. A rotten person might have ADD but having ADD doesn't make us rotten people. Does that make sense? In other words, if I had not sought out self-help for the way I grew up ... rotten parents ... then I could easily blame my former ignorance, anger and nasty behavior on ADD or anything else. But the truth was that I was living pissed off at the world and had serious anger issues. That is what makes people jerks. Not the ADD.

Pease. Good luck. God bless.

Is it ADHD or is he just a jerk?

My husband has ADHD so I know life is often horrible , but honestly this just seems to go beyond ADHD. Your husband sounds like a monster. I think it is easy to blame everything on ADHD, none of the books I've read indicate that this kind of behavior is ok or even typical. Perhaps his alcohol abuse has more to do with his behavior.

ADD does not make the person

I am so sorry to hear about your experience.  Verbal abuse is so toxic to a person, and unfortunately not recognized enough.  I am the ADHD partner in my second marriage.  I was diagnosed less than a year ago, at age 31, and am just in the beginning of the long journey of understanding my world all over again, and facing the damage I've done.  Not just to myself, but to those I love and care about.  Some of what you describe does sound like ADD/ADHD, and sound familiar, But other things sound like a much larger systemic problem your partner has causing him to be abusive.  You do not EVER have to accept being treated in that way.  And PLEASE!!!  If you are ever in any physical danger or in fear for your safety, or the safety of your children, GET OUT!!!!  Abuse is never your fault.  The abusive behaviors your partner has may be co-morbid with ADHD, but ADHD does not cause abusive behaviors.  It can cause frustration do to inability to focus, or anxiety from forgotten promises, projects, bills, or self doubt from repeated failure that the ADDer just never seems to learn from.  The reactions to those feelings should never result in abuse.  That needs to be addressed immediately

 

I have Three recommendations for you:  Please note, these are only recommendations based off of the limited knowledge I have of your situation and my own experience. 

First.  Seek a therapist for yourself.  I would recommend an LMFT or a LCSW, but don't limit yourself.  Look for someone that is familiar with adult ADHD, Traumas, and possibly personality disorders.  You obviously have a traumatic experience in your past, and are now in the middle of another one.  Having them familiar with ADHD will help them understand your experiences.  The short fuse and abusive behaviors are common in a lot of personality disorders and may help your therapist help you identify strategies for dealing with it.

Second.  If possible, convince your partner to see a therapist again.  DO NOT go straight to a Psychiatrist.(this is also true for the first recommendation)  Psychiatrists do not to therapy.  They are MDs.  He needs a therapist.  I recommend a therapist that uses a systemic approach and uses Family of Origin in their systems approach.  A Psychiatrist will still need to come into play if medication is needed.  The Psychiatrist will have to write the scrips.  Don't be afraid to shop for your Shrink and Therapist, and don't get stuck believing that you have stay with the one you choose.  There are good ones, and not as good ones, or sometimes the therapist and patient just aren't a good fit.  find what works for you, and don't be afraid to be aggressive with treatment.

Third.  Look for a couples Therapist for the both of you.  This therapist should be different from the ones you each have.  This can be costly depending on insurance, but some times Therapists will work on a sliding fee scale depending on your income.  Having a couples Therapist can often help with communication between the ADHD partner and the NON-ADHD partner. Some times the ADHD partner has to hear things from someone else in order to hear them.  especially early in treatment.

 

I wish you the best of luck,

Remember to take care of you.