Daily I think of the person I once was and the person I have now become inside of myself. I can't believe how I have changed. I used to be SUPER competent, happy inside, well-adjusted, good outlook, faith-filled. I know about operant conditioning and feel that while dh has made some advances in his standard of living since we married and I have been a good influence on him, I have compromised myself into being LESS THAN I was because of my constant allowances and trying to understand him and be WITH him. My focus today, and for the next year, is to heal myself. To wake in the morning and FEEL the beauty of LIFE and appreciate the birds singing and sunlight shining through windows again. Can I heal myself while the cause of my downfall is still in my life? It is like I am trying to hear birds singing while there is a huge boulder tumbling down the mountain towards our house and family and I am the only one able to see/hear it coming for our eventual ruin. Everyone else is distracted from its reality and won't listen when I tell them about my fears and anxiety about the boulder. I have been able to keep the boulder from crushing us through my own will-power and determination and working hard to build and repair the mountain supports but I am getting too tired to keep that up anymore. AND there is a feeling of unreality that I am doing this alone. It feels crazy that dh goes about his silliness and does not plan ahead or even be aware of his own or our family's security in life. I have to move out of the way of the boulder (the financial crush and breakdown of relationship/family and losing the home) and lose everything I have worked for and loved for all my life. OR surrender to the crash.
There is no house next door, family member, or other place to go to. I would be without a home. I have been doing my own denial and distraction...not wanting to see the ruination that ADD has been causing in our lives. Trying to feel the pleasure of the birds singing in the morning and ignoring the boulder that is on its way is my own dance with unreality of coping. When I write on this board it is toward my own acceptance of what is really going on. Sometimes I re-read my own posts and don't recognize the person who is in this situation I describe...but it is more true than the person I am in my daily life of coping. I tend to sugar coat and smooth over everything in real life.
Still, I know that if I focus on what is bad, only more bad will come my way and you tend to get stuck there....where I am. The only way to move out of a dangerous situation is to look outward toward a better place to be and a better way to be and focus on getting there.