my guy hasnt seen me in weeks and has stopped having sex/ showing physical /emotional signs of love--yet acts as if normal

im involved with a younger guy who is mellow, non hyper but also very ADD. he's told me he's add and it shows very clearly in his inabilty to read social cues, subtlies in verbal exchange or anything that isnt very clear, simple, black and white. he misinterprets information alot and he often doesnt provide the base information to me so i know whats going on in his heart or inside of him. he gets into work projects and will miss a date, not call, not even register that he had plans with me. he will make plans, then leave me in the middle of them becasue he committed to helping someone. he isnt able to register people in a tier of who is most important. he seems to treat everyone in an equal sense and doesnt seem to grasp the concept of how a partner is and ought to be first among your time and consideration. he will leave me to help antoher person who is clearly attempting to take advantage of him and who wouldnt do anything for him in return [like a person in his apt complex might ask him to move their huge, heavy tv by himself up a flight of steps. he will leave me to help them knowing they wont ever help him in return] he seems to not register these hiccups or how they would affect a partner. he doesnt however, have the anger or moodiness or outbursts that i have expereinced with another add partner. it is mostly social cues and misinterpretations and miscommunications, and then this appropiatness in terms of others that are his main hicups.

he has recently begun a new job that is labor intensive working at his apartment complex. at first, we didnt see one another for a week, then it went into two weeks and only one night together. we only live ten minutes away from one another. a third week went by and we were together intimately, and sort of bounced back. then he was away for a weekend with military training, then back a week--and didnt once attempt to make plans or see me. i tried to initiate but felt weaker and weaker when he would say he had to work or was too tired to get togehter. by the third week, i began to take things very personally. and i began to suspect there was another person he was involved with. every interaction was full of hurt for me--bc i am not add, i was looking to him to give more emotional love or sexy texting to keep us close in luei of not getting together with me. nada! just practicle work as usual and general day to day sharing. i was starving at this point. in the fourth week i made plans with him early in the afternoon for us to get together that eve and massage one another--one of our big connecting activites. he said yes, i knew once we were in the same place, we would melt back into one anther. that night, he helped another person in his apatment complex move a washer and dryer by himself and threw his back out. this wasnt a work related thing, just a favor for someone he doesnt even know but knocked on his door and asked for help. he canceled on me but not until 10:30pm when he said it hurt too much for him to drive. this meeting meant a lot to me and i got my place ready to reconnect with him. i was so mad! i felt sure he canceled on me bc of non interest. all these things reek of a guy not into you but who isn't willing to dismiss the relationship. again, another week goes by and he says he has to be out of town again that weekend for a military event. at this point, we have spent three nights together in 6 weeks and we have been intimate maybe 4 times. im dying here. in the start, we couldnt keep our hands off one another and our sexual chemistry is off the charts. i finally broke up with him a few nights ago. i couldnt get a clear answer as to why he hasnt been seeing me or inititing physical closeness or emotional bonding. he only would maintain that hes working alot, tired at night and isnt feeling like anything. he denied all times that he was invovled with or sleeping with someone. he just maintained that he is trying to catch up with some things in his life. but 6 weeks???? without spending nights together, without him showing interest in me sexually? romantically? i mean in a regualr repaltionship with someone who isnt add, these are clear actions that mark the end of a relationship and the end of the other persons sexual interest. when i broke up with him, he shook and cried, he seemed really boggled as to why i felt as i did. he said he couldnt understand why he did this. i spoke with him last night and again, he maintained that he has no involvement with another person and that he really enjoys the relationship with me. when i pointed out that he hasnt called me since aug 29, he asked what the date was today. i said sept 19 and he was shocked. he had no idea it was that late in sept--and he seemed completely disconnected from the fact that he hasnt called me in almost a month. i asked him what he would think if he was trying to get togehter with me and i wouldnt see him, and he said, well, id think you were prob just really busy, i'd understand. Ag, this is not how people in committed relationships are..part of me feels like this guy is pulling my leg. another part of me wonders if he is just very Add and these are somewhat understandbale traits in the normal spectrum of add'ers. i mean i love the guy and i have to figure out if i can deal with his behaviors. but what id really like to do is side step taking his actions personally and being emotinally upset with him for hurting me. i have been very hurt thinking that he has been keeping me involved with him all these weeks while not seing me and perhaps seeing someone else. he is a very sexual guy and i cant get my head wrapped around the guy i know who has sex with me all the time and this guy he is now, who isnt having any relationship with me but claims to not be with anyone else. i have been very convinced that he is lying about just being really busy and focused on work and being exhausted at night. it doenst make sense to me, when someone is important to me, i dont put everything else in front of them and only give them the crumbs. so i am reluctant to beleive his feelings for me are the same becasue i have seen how i come last time and time again.  

is the whole checking out on a relationship and the sexual emotional maintenence normal for add people? is it what they do when they truley get wrapped up in a work or life thing? do they come back or is it just a futile waiting game for a parter that never reengages the relationship? did he lose interest because of me or it is really just that he isnt able to focus on work and something like sustaining a relationship?   i ask my guy friends and they say no way in hell is a guy interested in you if he's going this long without initiating sex. but this site clearly shows that sex and sustained interest in a relationship has something to do with ADD. also, any advice on dating someone who is this add is welcome. thanks for listening.

To onthefence87

I scanned back quickly after I read your post, but could not see any reference to how long the two of you have been together. Sounds like you have entered  "Ooops, the hyperfocus has ended" stage. a common occurence (and unexpected to the non) in the ADD/Non relationship. Hyperfocus typically ends around 1 1/2-2 years along. Sounds like that's what is going on in your case.

I suspect that your boyfriend really does love you. But, he is giving all of his concentration to his new job--he wants to get it right! That's taking all of his attention/effort right now. His hyperfocus has shifted. There are ways of working with this.

As for helping other people, that is very common with ADHD people. There is a people-pleasing aspect to this disability.

I could be wrong about this, but try doing a "hyperfocus" search on this site and see how common it is. Then relax, he sounds like a nice guy who does care about you, but you need to educate yourself more before hitting the panic button!

Best wishes

 

 

I can relate

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through with your boyfriend, it sounds frustrating My boyfriend has ADD, diagnosed 5 years ago, never medicated or never went to speak with a therapist to hash out anything relating to the ADD. I can relate to the whole aloof, out of sight out of mind thing that you described in your post, if I don't reach out to my boyfriend when he travels (for work) or we don't have any plans to see each other I won't hear a word from him and if I bring it up to him it doesn't seem to phase him or he doesn't express much feeling about it. We too have great chemistry, etc.. but he can go weeks without seeing me even if he is in town, he does tend to pour himself into his work a lot, as he has a limited group of friends or activities he likes to do when he isn't working. The pouring himself into work doesn't bother me ( I understand why he does it) its the "checking out" of the relationship quite frequently  that is frustrating to me and expecting the minute he wants to see me"check back in "or talk to me I need to drop everything and go see him, otherwise he tends to act dismissive towards me ( as in if we have plans to see each other over an entire weekend he will cancel the entire weekend for reasons he won't articulate to me, this happens if I don't drop my plans, etc. to go see him prior to our plans if he wants to see me . He is a little passive aggressive at times though too which adds another level of frustration to the relationship at times. At heart I believe he is a great guy, who is funny and compassionate and I fell hard for him during the hyper focus stage.

I will say figuring out what kind of relationship you want/can live with is crucial and realize that with the ADD there is an added element to the relationship that adds a new set of obstacles to face at times. Relationships although very rewarding are definitely work (most rewarding things in life are :)). My heart goes out to everyone on here those with ADD and those involved with people with ADD, it is a very puzzling and painful journey at times.

 

I have been on the fence about my guy for a little while now, we have been in a break up/make-up cycle for about a month. Every time we try to discuss the relationship even after he has called it quits he tends to get extremely defensive, shuts down in the midst of the conversation or will quickly dismiss the conversation that he initiates. Needless to say its very frustrating not being able to have a honest discussion about he and I.  I love him but really wonder how solid/healthy of a relationship we can have with this added element going on. I have suggested that maybe we go our separate ways a few times as it didn't seem like we were working and every time he tells me I am wrong, and would be making a huge mistake by walking away.

 

Sorry for the long winded reply. I hope things get better for you.