My history. My children's future.

As J.M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan, has said, "The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it."

This is on my mind today....or something like it.  I don't recognize the person I have become. I didn't see my life turning out this way. What could I have done differently 40 years ago, 30 years ago, 20 years ago, 10 years ago, yesterday that would have made my path different?  

It boils down to something inside of me. I don't have it figured out yet, but it has to do with my father, religion, my inability to stand up for myself, my learned behavior of obediences, my lack of permission to have my own voice.

I am trying to sort out why I continued to live my life for so long so subservient that I did not live my life. I permitted myself to be come a non-person in the name of "family love and sacrifice".  Not a great example for my children.  

Today I am taking total responsibility for my life.  This is, I am told, maturity.

I accept that I have not been a soldier, a leader or a hero....I have been a servant, a follower and a peon (pee-on).

Where to go from here?  I am getting old.  I just want to give a good look at what has happened to me and relate so others do not find themselves nearing 70 and realize that they have swallowed a bunch of rhetoric (ethics/beliefs/conventionalities/standards) that made them sad and regretful.

I write this for younger people on their life paths to be faithful to themselves and their future selves and their children's selves.

Be true to your self.  Find courage to speak from your heart even when the words are not popular.  

I feel like a hypocrite writing these "wisdoms" and not being able to act on them myself.  But that is my regret. That I did not give myself the permissions to live and speak my own truths.