Today my husband and I got in a huge fight! I unloaded the dishwasher, and he asked me when I ran the dishwasher. I have no idea when I ran it!!!! He accused me of "playing dumb" and then he proceeded to throw out tons of clean dishes into the sink. He wanted me to tell the truth, but my truth is that I have no memory of running he dishwasher. He keeps saying, "we both know that you know when you ran the dishwasher." I'm not going to tolerate these lies. He says that I like to lie for fun, and I can't be trusted. I try really hard to tell the truth. The only time I haven't told they truth was when I was scared of his temper. It was never over anything important so he doesn't have a reason to not trust me. Now I have a sink full of clean dishes. Now he wants me to wash them by hand or not come in the room with him and my 3 year old son. He has ADD, but he doesn't take medicine. He is a stay at home dad, but he has never had a job except for 5 months out of 9 years of marriage! He makes me feel awful about myself and calls me names like dummy and stupid in front of my son. When I ask him to stop, he says "if your acting stupid, you get called stupid." He's even gotten my son to say, "Mommy's a dummy." I am a teacher that works everyday. He doesn't clean the house at all, but he complains how dirty it is. Does anyone else have a similar situation?
My husband accuses my of lying!
Submitted by Monkey7676 on 06/08/2016.
You are a teacher! You know
Submitted by jennalemone on
You are a teacher! You know better than this! Stop it! Re-read what you wrote as though it were someone else. Someone who you love and care for. Get a counselor and find your own path to sanity!
You know what you need to do.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
You can't stay with him.
This is abuse.
You need to get a recording of him saying that you're a dummy and your child repeating it. That will help with custody issues.
He will have to get a job.
Your husband has more than ADHD issues. He has a personality disorder, I am almost sure of it.
How do I know? I live with someone like that. Not exactly, but close. My H was the breadwinner (high income, now retired), so in that way things were different. BUT...my H would constantly accuse me of lying about things that no way would I lie about. And he'd say things like, " I'm not going to tolerate these lies" and similar stuff. Our kids would say, "dad, mom is not lying." But he wouldn't believe them. Once he falsely accused me of lying, and my parents (who were not the type to interfere) came to my defense and H told them that they were lying to protect me! H had accused me of calling my parents to come over and help me move furniture (this was before cell phones). What really happened is that my parents had gone shopping in my neighborhood and stopped by to see their grandkids. (No cell phones then). When H came home from work and saw us moving MY desk to a better location, he started yelling and saying that I had called my parents to come over to help me move my desk. I said, "no, they just stopped by." He began yelling and calling me a liar." My parents (very honest and honorable people), began explaining, but H just yelled at them and said that they were lying. It was UNREAL because my H LOVES my parents....and they love him. My mom left in tears, my dad was in shock. After a couple of hours, H calmed down, called my parents and apologized. To this day, I have no idea what that was all about. It was HUMILIATING.
If I had been the breadwinner at the time, I would have left. But, I was a SAHM and felt stuck.
Oh and like you, I have had to lie to him about some things because of his unreasonable anger...the funny thing is he's never figured those lies out because they aren't lies where he could know the truth. For instance, if he thinks I took too long in the grocery store (after I come home), and it's because I ran into an old friend and we chatted for a bit, I will tell him that the store was busy and lines were long. There's no way for him to know that wasn't true. The issue is that I can't tell him the truth....that I was chatting with a friend....because he takes that as "putting him last." In his mind, I should rush home to be with him. He knows that I can't control store lines, so he accepts those delays. But, if I "choose" to chat with a long-lost friend that I see in the store, then I'm "choosing the friend over him."
I wanted to add this...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I wanted to add this...
Your situation will not likely get better with him because he feels bad about himself. Men get much of their self-esteem from having a job, supporting their families, etc. In fact, it's usually the first thing that men talk about when they meet....What do you do for a living? Your H likely feels bad that he can't keep a job. He has to insult you to make himself feel better.
I'm sorry, but your H
Submitted by lisa84 on
I'm sorry, but your H teaching your child to call you names, has got to be one of the most sick and twisted things I've heard of. Get out ASAP! Not only will your H ruin you, he's ruining your son and all of his future relationships. I do believe my H has a personality disorder, but he does not do name calling or put downs.
Years ago, I was in the military and worked full time. My H was not working, he was a full time student. He got home from school about 2 hours before I got off work. Every day, I asked him to do only one thing when he got home from school: load the dishwasher. Every day, I got home from work (after picking up our 2 kids from daycare, because he couldn't be bothered with kids) and there he was, playing video games, and there was the sink, still full of dirty dishes that I had to do, along with most of the other cleaning and the cooking. I look back on that time and wonder what I was thinking. Many women would have left, over that type of behavior. It's like I was blindfolded. A big part of me regrets not leaving back then, back when I was independent and had my career and my health and sanity. Now, I'm crawling up out of this hole and regaining my independence again, but it feels like coming back from the brink of death.
I'm really sorry, but I think you will regret it if you keep putting up with this. You don't deserve it and it sucks, but if you feel awful about yourself now, it's only going to keep getting worse. Why keep going through the insanity and the stress this causes? Why do we put up with it for so long? We think we can somehow change them and one day, we will stumble upon the magic words that will make them wake up and see the light. But those magic words don't exist. The sooner a person realises this, the better.
Your being abused and taken advantage of....
Submitted by c ur self on
It sounds like you are married to a manipulating freeloader. It also sounds like you are being abused....(Child saying mommy's a dummy) that is child abuse!
You should take these concern's to a counselor, DHR or the police....
I'm still mad about your post...
Submitted by c ur self on
That sink full of clean dishes would rot before I would touch them....You've got to stand up for yourself, and you can do that with out saying a word....
C
monkey, if this were one of your students
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Sweetie, if this were one of your students, and you heard a child saying that about his mother, along with other symptoms, you would be required by law to report it to an authority as suspected abuse. And you would be right in your assumption. It's only when it happens to US, and we are IN the same situation that we don't see it as objectively as we should. I'm so sorry this is going on,but you MUST save your child from this abuse. AND you. I know this because my husband is also an educator, and we have seen this on several occasions.
You need some help and support. Hugs to you today.