My husband is diagnosed bipolar - I'm not sure of the specifics - and an addict. But, he's not ADHD, to my knowledge. I'm here because a google search on "I get angry with my husband and he turns it around on me" brought me here. There is a post by someone who wrote pretty much what I'm experiencing and feeling. I have to vent. I need to talk. I have a couple of friends, but they're having their own issues. I can also talk to my daughter, but that's so unfair to her because she also has her own issues. SO, I apologize for what I know full well is going to turn into a venting session or three... ::weak smile:: And I apologize for my wordiness... ::another weak smile:: Thanks for listening!
We just had another big fight. I'm frustrated, anxious, and I'm sick, so nauseated and have a headache. I want to say, "Maybe it's me," but I know it's not, really. I know that I certainly play a part, but the issues we're having, I understand co-dependency, I understand enabling, all that. I've even been to therapy alone, by myself, because the last time we had a big fight, he told me, "Maybe you should go to therapy and find out what's bothering you."
::Deep sigh:: So here we are again. I know I'm here because our fights are never resolved. I know I'm here because I never feel cared for, valued, or heard. This time, the fight was over cranberry sauce... I know my husband likes cranberry sauce, so when I cooked for Thanksgiving, I bought four cans. I went to bed on Wednesday, and when I got up Thursday, there were THREE cans left. He'd eaten a can overnight as if it were Jello. So, I was irritated, but I kept telling myself, "He's such a boy. That's so cute. Well, you knew he was going to do that, that's why you got four cans." I stuffed it. Then, with dinner, I opened and put two cans on the plate and in the back of my head I heard myself say, "There should be two cans for tonight, and two for leftovers tomorrow, but because he decided to have a can..." and then I left off, because I reminded myself that I thought it was so cute and boyish, and then I told myself to let it go. And I tried.
Backing up now to Wednesday, when my addicted husband went out and got at least five bottles of wine that I distinctly recall, and possibly more. Never mind all the times he has said he wouldn't drink wine anymore, and made all the vague promises of an addict about the wine... The last promise was, "If you get me wine, I'll never ask you again." And I enabled him by getting it, giving him and myself the excuse that he'd just had his second hip replacement in three months, and he wasn't taking opiates, and he needs something to dull the pain... This time, he didn't even ask me, he just got it on his own. Anyway, the reason I can't count for certainty is because of the way my husband "shares" or "metes out" the wine. He was already drinking by the time I'd gotten home from work, of course, so I don't know how much was consumed. Then, when I got home, he poured me half a glass and refreshed his glass. He "shared" the rest by waiting until he'd finished a full glass and I'd finished half of mine. Then, he'd refill my glass to the halfway mark, i.e., a quarter of a glass, and he'd refill his completely, i.e., half a glass. This went on until the night when I would go to bed, and he would continue drinking, sharing the wine as described. Why all the detail? Because it was like the cranberry sauce; most for me and a little for you.
Backing up now to a couple of weeks ago, and the promise he made about the wine... He asked for beer instead. When I reminded him of his promise, he said, "I promised not to ask you for wine." He smiled in such a boyish and charming way, and reminded me of his suffering, and told me that beer doesn't really get him high, anyway, but it takes the edge off the pain. So I indulged him. I got him some beer and I got myself Twisted Tea. When he finished his six pack, he asked me for some of my TT and said if I really loved him, I would share. Now, I like to have my beverages and space them out over the DAY. He finished his beer within two hours, maybe less. So, like the wine and like the stuffing, I caved and stuffed my feelings about it.
Finishing up this post, I promise... SO, back to my years before meeting my husband. I was a single mother for most of my daughter's life. Her father, who is also bipolar and an addict, was so out of control that I finally had to divorce him. Many of the years with my daughter and I were lean, and so I sacrificed MANY THINGS so that she could have a few things. I mostly sacrificed FOOD. I gave her the bigger portions. I sent her to school with lunch, and I went without. I'm not complaining about that AT ALL; besides, I was probably in the best shape of my life then. Anyway, the point is the sharing and sacrificing I did for her I find myself doing with my husband, but UNWILLINGLY. What do I mean? Well, we'd go to dinner, we would bring home doggy bags, and he would eat his AND mine. He wouldn't even ask, he would just eat it, and say, "if you snooze, you lose." Or we'd order out, and I'd order something I really liked so I could take it for lunch, and he would eat it during the night, saying, "Finders, keepers!" When I told him that bothered me, he would do things like call me at work and ask if he could have my leftovers for lunch, or before I went to bed, he would ask me if he could eat my leftovers if he got hungry in the night. AND I ALWAYS SAID YES... and I stuffed it. Then one day I got angry and blew up about it, and I explained why I felt the way I did. I told him I wanted to be in a place where I could just have my leftovers, or just have something to myself, after so many years of sacrificing for my daughter. He stopped eating my leftovers without asking and stopped asking for my food for a while, but it started up again. It finally got to the point the other day when he sent me a text that the dog drank one of my beers - yep, diffusion by humor tactics. So I stuffed it... And then the cranberry sauce happened.
It's such a small thing. I mean, rationally, I know it's a small thing. Except it's not - there's the bigger underlying issue that he's not even attempting to understand. And to make matters worse, this minor cranberry incident ended with me blowing up like a harridan, a harpy, a fishmonger's wife (all things that my mother used to call me - boom, more underlying issues), giving my husband an excuse to get angry and me for getting angry at him, with the end result that he's now freezing me out, refusing to talk to me, telling me that he can't forgive all the things I said to him, and that he needs space.
And, we've had these fights before, which are NEVER resolved, because fights always end one of three ways: He apologizes (about 60% of the time), hugs me and says "You know I love you, right?"; Or, I tell him what's bothering me, being very careful not to imply that he's at fault and telling him that I feel like I'm stuffing my feelings and we really need to go to therapy so that we can both talk about how we're feeling with a neutral third party (about 20% of the time); Or, I blow up (about 10% of the time) because I've been sublimating, I try not to call names, but I do throw MANY accusations at him, including telling him he's being passive-aggressive with me, or that he's being a shit then telling him that we never really resolve things and we keep on ending up HERE because we never really resolve things because he keeps avoiding discussions that involve emotions, especially his.
And so, here we are, again, and he told me this morning to make an appointment for therapy and he would be there.
Thanks for "listening"! Wish us luck. Provide any insights you feel apply; I will consider any and all.
Hi Catalina S....
Submitted by c ur self on
The cranberry sauce, the wine....Your stuffing it until you blew up....I understand that, use to do it...still can if I fall prey to not accepting it's just who she is, and it's not going to change, no matter how different I think or how much disdain I have for it....So you and me we must move past caring what they fill is right for them, and just do what is right for us....Acceptance of Reality their's and our own.....
I suggest you not take being short a can of cranberry sauce so personal, it's no sweat off of you, unless, you are determined to be his Mother instead of his wife, then should spank him?
Accept that the cranberry sauce, and the wine, and the life he lives is just who he is....You don't have to emulate it, like it, or enable it....But since it is who your spouse is, I would suggest not judging it, and try to stop taking offense to it, so you can keep your stress level under control....
He probably ain't changing a lot, and if he does, it will be his idea, not all the "H" you spewed at him....Also you need to accept him, so you can get some rest....You need to just work on you....I know, I did all the same things your doing, I would stuff all the crap I hated and then loose it....Do you know my health started failing...heart skipping beats.....Dear Lady I can tell you it's not worth it:)...
Those expectations we place on them to be and think like we do, want hurt them to much, but it sure does destroy our lives....He will never live life based your reality, (the one you are projecting onto him) but his own! No matter what you think of it....That's a lot of the problem, based on your post....
The difference in adhd and bi-polar is an adhd spouse would have only eaten 2/3 of the can, (out of the can) and left the other 1/3 setting out on the counter or table to get hot....For you to deal with:)...The being easily addicted, over indulging or binging is about the same as you state it, in my experience....
I hope you don't get mad at me, but, I just want you to set yourself free from worrying about the way another adult conducts their life....I would love for you to be at Peace....I'm learning how.....
He don't need you to mother him or fix him, and you truly don't need the pain and burden that comes when we set out on such an impossible task...
Live and Let Live....
Consider These Things....Catalina
Submitted by kellyj on
You can't fix what's wrong with your husband. All of his behaviors as a whole are once of an addict or someone who is self medicating in order to compensate for something else? He is living in a world of "scaricity."...and he is afraid of doing without which makes him "greedy" in that respect...to feeling he needs more than he has already and he cannot get enough? It's a feeling like never being fully "satiated" and like something is missing and you are always hungry and looking for something to fill him up....since his glass is always empty inside? Always half empty and getting emptier with each drink.....instead of half full and being Thankful and happy that it is and will only get fuller as you add to it...instead of taking from it with every drink? As if there is no more to get ever...and the amount is always getting smaller and smaller...less and less with each drink and the glass is running dry and will be empty soon? Even when it's full....it will always be empty again and with each drink you take....is one less drink you will ever have again because it's gone....and now I need to replace it...or replace what is missing and there never can be too much no matter how much you have?
It's the "0" sum game we play within ourselves. For every dime you take from one pile, and move it to the other pile on the scale or balance .....the scale tips to the negative on the other side ( goes into the negative by 1 dime )...and the other side now has one dime more in the positive side. Just like a balance sheet that always has to come out to "0"..in everything or it is out of balance, or is not adding up...as we say?
I'm saying....this may work in accounting or finances....but it doesn't work in real life and with people? If things always have to equal "0"...on the balance sheet and especially between two people living together....you will always be in an adversarial relationship or competition with each other...to see who will get more...or who will get less...at all times and you will always be keeping track of this just like a balance sheet in accounting? And if it doesn't always come out to "0"....then something is wrong? And will always be paying attention to what you are not getting if you are always seeing it from that perspective?
In the "0" sum game, there are only two options available always.....in any interaction between two people. Win / Lose....or .....Lose / Win. There can be no other options available in the "0" sum game. And therefore...it is competitive and adversarial....by the "inherent nature of the game?" And because of the "inherent nature of the game"....it creates this condition of "scarcity"...and the one you are describing yourself in this post? Which goes to say....that the other person involved playing along with you...is feeling the same things within this condition of scarcity that this game creates? Always keeping track...always keeping score...as if it's some sporting competition...to see who will win? And winner takes all?
The problem is....no one playing this game is innocent and both people are thinking in terms of "fairness" ....which it will never ever be as long as you are playing this game? What is "greedy" is the game itself because no matter how you try and play this game....somebody always wins..and somebody always loses and to the winner goes the spoils?
It's like the game of playing...."shotgun".....he who calls it first, gets the front seat or the "kiddy game" of Musical Chairs? Same thing? The same as when your husband says "Finders keepers".... because this "condition of scarcity" that this game creates..... and he "covets" because of it?
"Coveting or to Covet"...is the operant word here but that is just the symptom...it's not the cause? It may be wrong to covet....but it's just part of the playing the "0" sum game. Those are the rules...in the "0" sum game? You could easily say....."I didn't make the rules....I just play by them"....and this would also be a true statement? And when that happens.....the glass is always half empty.....instead of seeing it as half full.....always?
The side effects of this game are jealously, envy, coveting and greed. Four of the "deadly 7 sins"....right off the bat? You can't play this game without those things present...so if that's the case....what do you think the answer is here?
Don't play the "0" sum game and you won't have all these problems? That's a good place to start? And instead....look for win / win scenarios...and play that game instead? As soon as you change the name of the game.....all the things you don''t want....won't be there any more?
And one thing for sure without thinking about this any further.....the "0" sum game....is never "sharing".....ever. No matter what you think...or what your husband says?
Food for thought? And some things to think about ( or look up for yourself ) to see if this fits in what you are seeing and feeling for yourself? The obvious answer is....don't play this game or any game with people in general? Just be honest and say the truth...that's not playing any games is it?
One more thing to think about along these lines? If you loan your tools or books out to people....chances are you may never see them again or when they come back to you...they will be in worse condition than they started out when you loaned them....especially with a person who lives by this "0" sum game? Remember...it's always win / lose...lose / win? So ..in order to prevent this from happening...the best policy...is not to loan your tools and books out because of the inherent nature of the game and you never know who's playing? But...it you are of the mind that says....I'm not playing that game.....then you can decide to loan your tools and books out to whom ever you choose....but make the decision that you will never see them again...and you only loan out those things that you can afford to do without? In essence...you are saying "here, you can use my tools....and if I never see it back again...then this is Okay? And once you do this...you forget about and never think of that tool again? If it comes back to you fine.....but you are basically "giving it to them" but not actually saying that you are? You might get it back...and then again...you might not?
The best policy in this case...is just to give the damn tool to the person and forget about it forever and stop trying to keep track of things you loan out and want back? But if you can't afford to give away something that you really need that you already own.....then the best advise is not to loan your tools in the first place...and stop giving away what you need for yourself and that you can't do without.
Giving it away...instead of "loaning"....with no strings attached. That's the way not to play the "0" sum game. Stop loaning things out...with an expectation of getting them back in return...especially with interest involved?? That IS the "0" sum game right there...and then some on top of it?
It's Bad ju ju.....is all I can say?
The "O" Sum Mind of Donald Trump...Bad Ju Ju
Submitted by kellyj on
I just wanted to give an example of the epitome of the "0" sum game. Donald Trump...our new President...is the walking talking embodiment...of the "0" sum mind. No better example I could ever think of myself? In a recent article about this very thing.....it said "Donald Trumps position.....is he thinks political and economic life..is 0-sum to the point of a nation is that of winning over all other nations...and the point of the individual...is winning over all other individuals."
What I said. The "POINT"..or name of the game...is winning and when ever there is a winner.....there must be a loser. And I predict...with a fair amount of certainty....that everyone will lose...under the control of a person who thinks this way. The only thing that can come from this game is Bad Ju Ju for everyone. No one will ultimately "win"...and it will only alienate..."The Rest of the Free World". Create MORE "Terrorism"...not less. Create more animosity and hostility within our own borders.....not less. Will create more conditions of "scarcity" and unrest.....not less. Insight more prejudice and hatred.....not less. Create more divisiveness and conflict within our own border and the rest of the world.....not less. And nothing Good will become of it.....not more Good.
Nothing good can ever come from the "0" sum game and that is who is in charge now.....a "O" sum thinker. That is NOW the game we are in ...whether we like it or not...and those who voted for him...are probably thinking along the same lines as he is....or they wouldn't have voted for him. His is...the walking , talking embodiment and proponent of the "0" sum game...and now...here we are....this is our new reality? Get use to it....because IMHO....it will only get worse off for everyone....from here on out?
I'm not being pessimistic....I'm apply the "0" sum game here...and using it as my predictor of the future? Mark my words...and see if it isn't true? He as president...can only have so much power to play this game....but in the very essence of this game....he will and is..."creating"..... a cabinet, advisors, ministers and administers of justice ie: Supreme Court appointments..and applying the same game as his means to pick these people within this game...because this is the only game he plays...because he IS...the "0" sum game...and that's who we have for President. If I was a betting man...and making book in Las Vegas....this would be the means in which I make my predictions...because the "0" sum game is Bad Ju Ju...along with Donald Trump.
Just thought I would throw that out there as a prediction....based on the game he is playing and nothing else? I hope that I'm wrong....but I don't think I am? If I was a betting man....I would bet on ..the things I said? And for me personally...I am proceeding with caution..and proceeding and planning life now....around my bet because of it and preparing myself for the worst. For this reason only and nothing else? I think it is the best indicator of the future and that money could buy? All I can say is....it's not going to be "Good"....for anyone except maybe him, his friends or family and that's it?
I also think...he's a Jingoistic son a bitch on top of it? It reminds me of something else in that respect? The "National Socialistic German Workers Party"..otherwise known as NAZI. The complete and utter miscarriage of justice is even within the name....Socialism... as defined? The NAZI party was as far from socialism as you could possibly get? It was the "Nationalist" party...as in the "Jingoist Party"...and in the "0" sum party....as in Donald Trump IMHO ...again. If it walks like a Duck....and talks like a Duck.....in this case...he's a NAZI...if you were to connect the leg bone to the thigh bone..and the thigh bone to the Brain Bone..and call a Bone Head a Bone Head. I won't go so far to say as he is like Hitler....but the party he speaks for and as he is now creating as we speak....has the smell of something nasty and I think this is what I'm smelling? Bad Ju Ju is the smell...and I can smell it a mile away? IMHO...which is all this is?
Unfortunately.....WE are the "bad guys" now...as far as the rest of the world is concerned. Whether we like it or not?