Hi this is my first post. So my husband who ran out on me and my children impulsively is in denial even after his ADHD diagnosis. He believes he didn't attribute to the marriage breakdown and it was all one sided...me. Is this denial normal after diagnosis and will he come to realise? Our relationship has been lopsided and I have taken over the household and childcare responsibilities without nagging, but somehow no matter how much I accommodate him it all goes out of the window if I even make one criticism towards him he goes into this black pit of depression walking around looking abused and looking to escape. Each time he has exited it has been without notice but he goes around saying we had both come to this decision. When he leaves he makes out he has suffered emotionally abuse by me when I've been walking around on eggshell just in case I set him off, he's such a peaceful persona that his family and everyone else believe it's completely me, if anything they validate his stories about me. He used to gaslight me into believing it was me and he was the perfect husband not complaining, after some therapy for myself I've come to realise he controls me with passive aggressive behaviour, so he won't shout and act mean but if I don't comply with his unreasonable needs he will make me feel like I'm being unreasonable and hold himself back from me by being really sad so then I kept giving in. He has moved out months ago and has forgotten all the abusive he gave instead he believes he tried so hard and it was me who abused him. Also he keeps referring to conversations we never had.
My husband in denial
Submitted by jayjay on 04/15/2021.
Hello JayJay...Sadly this is common for many of us....
Submitted by c ur self on
Only you know the exact dynamic...But it doesn't sound good...What I have come to realize is, many people just aren't capable of being any different...Thus his walking around looking for a way out when you criticism him...People like your husband have to have a few things to exist....One they have to have a responsible party in a spouse, so when their life overwhelms them, they can bale on their responsibilities, and have someone to carry them (like he is doing)...My guess is your criticism is prompted by his lack of responsibility?? The egg shells you are on is the goal of many mind types like you are describing your husband as..As long as your own eggshells his life is the only one that matters...Just like they want it....Even if they aren't totally aware of it....As for his family, they learn through life to accept their child/sibling, and usually they will enable them, but, they don't have to live, or depend on them to be a life partner....So their messed up form of not speaking truth to them, is their idea of love....It doesn't cross over to marriage...So save your breathe....
What is really happening in your relationship, and many of ours, is we are placing expectations on a person who is completely incapable of handling the life he committed to....He may never step up....I suggest you stop expecting him to be what you want him to be, and accept what he is...That way you can get off the eggshells and live your life....You will know what you must do, and it's evident to you already that you probably want ever be able to totally trust him...He's a runner, mine is too....They want discuss their lives, it's not an awareness state they are willing to go to....We are our own worst enemy when we ask them to, knowing it's just going to start the fight or flight dynamic....
My suggestion is the same I've given myself, live like he doesn't exist (because he doesn't if he's in denial, and can't be trusted to do the daily work it takes as a husband and father)....Breathe and live, the more you attempt to mother him, fix him, force him to communicate, the more mentally and emotionally scared you will become.....Be at peace with yourself and your life....If your, or my, or many here who are in the same boat we are, spouse's ever change because THEY SEE the need to work on their lives, great, we will surly know it....But for our own sanity and peace, we have to accept the reality of our spouse's minds and what is possible for the two in relationship together....It's usually nothing that looks normal....If you can, through refusing to enable him, setting boundaries, and acceptance, find a peaceful life for you and the child, that should be the goal....
I suggest you attempt to free yourself of any aspect of life where you are depending on someone who has proven to you, that you cannot!
How to respond to a person with ADD
Submitted by jennalemone on
Do not take any comments personally…What they say does not necessarily mean what they think. They are separated with how they feel or don’t feel so you can’t berate yourself for crass words from them lashing out at you. In effect, their words mean nothing.
Don’t grieve that fact. Just pity them. Don’t pity yourself but remain strong in your belief that you have done amazing things by just showing up daily and finding love and peace on your own.
You will not be able to teach them or condition them or love them into being able to feel or share feelings that are not there.
Don’t agree and pacify them but rather keep your own cool and re-purpose your own thoughts and words to reflect your true self - without the frustration you have cooped up inside yourself for decades.
Don’t pity yourself. Recognize and accept that you did not cause this to be, you can’t change it’s course and you did not know better all the years you sacrificed your own life. This is it. This is all you get. Find beauty and communion and support elsewhere.
Thank you so much for your
Submitted by jayjay on
Thank you so much for your advice jennalemone. I've only just realised a couple of months ago he might have adhd. Before than I blamed myself for causing his reactions. Now I'm looking back and trying to heal from incidents where he convinced me it was me and I would doubt myself.
Hello c ur self
Submitted by jayjay on
Thank you for your reply. After diagnosis he is willing to go into treatment and medication because he believes it affects his focus and memory but when it comes to our marriage he's in denial that it affects it. He said I shouldn't think him leaving was part of ADD impulsivity because he planned to leave....but the actual fact is he left suddenly without giving me any notice. He's been gone months now and he's now convinced himself he left due to immense rage and anger on my part and he's adamant he's better off without me so I don't know how to approach to talk him out of it.
Denial or no denial
Submitted by Dagmar on
I'm at the age where a lot of people I know are getting divorced. In nearly all of the situations, the husband is going around insisting that he had to leave because the wife was "abusive" or "not understanding" or "changed." Also in nearly all of the situations the couple had children and the husband's problem with the wife completely revolved around her wanting him to have a larger share of parenting responsibilities. Heck, I've almost gotten divorced a few times over the same thing. I feel like a broken record talking to my guy friends who lament that their wives wanted to know where they were all the time, to which I always respond "YOU HAVE CHILDREN. YOU HAVE TO LET SOMEONE KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AT ALL TIMES IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENS. NO ONE SPOUSE SHOULD BE ABLE TO WALK OUT THE DOOR WITHOUT SAYING WHERE YOU'RE GOING BECAUSE IT IMPLIES THAT THE OTHER SPOUSE IS THE ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CHILDREN."
With ADHD it's compounded. And they really do forget the parts that don't make them look good.
One of the fights I've been having with my ADHD husband since we first got together has been about him not waking up unless I tell him to. And although he has finally stopped denying that I'm waking him up every morning, this weekend I was sick from the Covid vaccine and could not get out of bed. When I finally did, I discovered that he didn't get up and take care of the kids. Last night we were still fighting about it. He could repeat back to me that I was angry because he didn't get up to take care of the kids, but he kept saying things that let me know he felt that I was being unreasonable to expect him to get breakfast for the kids without me telling him to. And I can say with 100% certainty that if we broke up at that very moment, he would be whining that I was horrible to him for sleeping in on a Sunday morning.
Submitted by c ur self on
This is so common; it's the perfect example of how non' s end up mothering (taken on roles we aren't suppose to have to) grown men and women, because they refuse (to lazy) to step up to their responsibilities in life....And the later part is always the same...The argument always center's around how bad the non is for pressing the lazy party to be responsible....LOL...It's not worth it....
I am so sorry you are going
Submitted by rachaelbabs on
I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband is doing something similar and it is really hard. I don't know the answers, but want you to know you are not alone. Even as I accept my part (parent/child, needing to decrease control and manage responses and anger) he still isn't owning how much of it is him and tied to ADHD beind undermanaged. When I try to discuss it, he gets angry and defensive. Last time we talked he told me he is tired of the ADHD conversation and doesn't want to think about it in regards to our relationship anymore. So no answers, just solidarity.
Hi Rachel, thank you for your
Submitted by jayjay on
Hi Rachel, thank you for your comment. It's usually the non-adhd partners who leave, so it's rare to come across someone similar with my experience where the ADHD partner runs away. My husbands solution to any conflict is divorce, so we don't get to resolve our issues because to keep him I had to let things go. I didn't realise then he had adhd, he got diagnosed only a couple of weeks ago. After he went off impulsively three months ago he went on a smear campaign about how abusive I was, and wherever he goes there's a pity party waiting for him and people telling him anyone else would have loved to be married to him, even my family believe he could do no wrong. He has during our marriage portrayed himself as the perfect husband talking about the importance of men getting involved in housework and childcare.... I know that was his intention but not his action. Now I am isolated from family because they can't believe he could do any wrong. They believe his adhd is mild otherwise they would have noticed not understanding his covering up so well with his perfect humble persona. He has come and gone a few times before but this time he's dug his grave with the smear campaign so although he's having a hard time on his own he is not coming back because of how it will make him look. I hope his therapy knocks some sense into him but I'm not holding my breath.