Submitted by Sueann on 07/19/2010.
Apropos of nothing, my husband came up with an idea that may explain why he's always late. He says he thinks he gets an adrenaline rush by leaving late and still trying to make it there on time. Does that make sense to anyone? I know it's one of the most frustrating things us non-ADDers have to face in our marriages.
Could be...
Submitted by sapphyre on
For me (not diagnosed but married to ADHD hubby), I'm off the school of getting one more thing done, right up until the last minute, so I never leave myself room for mistakes, like not being able to find my keys.
Personally, I think it depends on your upbringing/what bothered you. I hate being late, because we were always late to Church. If we are going with mum, we still are.
Hubby is often late, he doesn't seem to be able to face the fact he needs to get ready in advance, until the time is almost upon him (which would validate your hubby's theory)... however, when I'm not there, he usually arrives really early... I think he relies on me to get him going when I'm around, and when he's by himself, he becomes paranoid about being late.
Not sure that helps, lol...
adhd
Submitted by Des McGonigle on
To answer your question, the powerful are the one's who have adhd and the stupid are those who still think its something to sneer at or dont believe adhd exists. People with adhd dont find it easy altering their veiws of how they see the world or to fit in with the facts of how the world is being run by the corrupt.
I have adhd and it kills me to hear people always giving out about us. For you none adders out there, if you really want to be able to handle someone with adhd you have to tune into their way of thinking. You will be amazed at what you were missing out on in life and in your relationship up till now. I still cant figure out why some people still think adhd is a bad thing to have.
If you have a partner with adhd and you dont read everything you can find about it every day for at least 2 or 3 months you are going to have a hard time of it. Do your research and life will become so much easier.
Um, my signature that offends you is a quote from Doctor Who.
Submitted by sapphyre on
Hi Des
Please go back and read my response - the last line from 'The Doctor' is nothing to do with my answer... it's my signature line, a quote that I thought was cool... nothing to do with ADHD at all, really.
I'm sorry you got offended by something The Doctor said; DH and I both enjoy the show because he always finds a good way to solve complex problems. I can't find a way to change my signature now, the forum has changed.
FYI, I believe I'm also on the spectrum. I love my son and husband who are diagnosed and wasn't making fun of them, I believe I was trying to help the original poster deal with the lateness thing that happens with ADHD.
By the way, at the time I wrote this post (over 4 years ago) I had severe depression AND I had read everything I could find about ADHD for years as DH and son were diagnosed in 2007.
I am sorry you have been finding life difficult, but trust me I'm not an a*hole 'paying out' on people with ADHD. I'm a woman who works full-time to support my family, has ongoing stress from being the most functional member of my family, and still am trying to help my daughter who has not yet been diagnosed with anything (she is 10) but suffers extreme school anxiety giving her migraines and stomach aches.
I am so sorry my signature line stressed you out. If I can figure out how to remove it I will.
Peace!
Interesting...
Submitted by tornadoscott on
That certainly is an interesting hypothesis. ADHD-ers do tend to behave in ways that provide stimulation and being late may indeed trigger a rush of dopamine or some other neurotransmitter that provides a level of "satisfaction" although I guess one of the experts could speak to that scenario.
I have always felt that being late is more a product of an inability to comprehend or acknowledge the time things take to complete or more importantly the time it takes an ADHD-er to complete. I've thought of it as a time management issue and internally telling ourselves that we can stop at the store, get home to change and then get back out the door and to our appointment in an hour. While it may be realistic for someone without ADHD to do this in an hour I think sometimes we hate to admit to ourselves that things might just take us a bit longer. We end up planning our time like we should be able to not how we are able to and end up being late.
Does that make any sense?
Either way it can be frustrating. I've gotten a better handle on things by using my droid and google calendars to send myself alerts that will give me enough time to get where I need to go...
Late...
Submitted by YYZ on
I understand what you are saying about the Adrenalin rush that comes with the frantic attempt to be on-time. I am ADD and before diagnosis this was common for me, but not because I wanted the Rush, but because I would try to add things to my schedule and given my poor time-management skills this would lead to being late.
Post diagnosis this is still a bit of an issue, because I am Not Oblivious to the impossible list of things to be done, so I will try to add little things that I think I can fit into the schedule. The ADD is still there, but mostly, I am on-time now and stick to the pre-planned schedule to make an appointment. Really, I now better understand the flow of the day, and if someone tries to "Add" something to the schedule I don't accept the addition if it is going to blow timing of scheduled events, like work, church, family function or whatever Has to stay on-time.
Does anyone else use my "Star Trek Rule" of estimating time needed for a project or event? "Scotty" would ask himself how long he thought a repair to the Enterprise would take, then report his estimate X3 to look good by finishing before the time reported. I find this to be good practice for us ADDer's. :-)
Definitely
Submitted by Hoping4More on
I use that all the time, and I do not have ADD. It's kind of like the old adage of "underpromise . . overdeliver." :-)
"underpromise . .
Submitted by hollyamy27 on
"underpromise . . overdeliver." :-) lolol mine said this to me going out the door one day because he saw the look on my face (I guess) waiting once again as I watched him run around in circles before we left to go somewhere gathering this that and the other thing we didn't really need to bring with us (because he had an hour before hand to do it all)..and all I could do is laugh and he kissed me and we went on our way...i'm not defending his behavior (every time) he does this but I have to admit it was good timing and funny at the moment :)
Panic is fun?
Submitted by nifferka on
I know when I was in school, I justified putting off writing papers until the night before (and staying up all night) because I "worked better under pressure." (That was true, actually--the worst papers I ever wrote were research ones, because the library wasn't open at 3 a.m., so I had to start writing before the motivating last-minute-panic set in.) There was an adrenaline rush of sorts. But I hate being late. I'm always late (except for airports--I'm the first one at the gate), because I can't get out the door at the right time. I'll think, "We need to be there at 7, and it only takes 15 minutes to get there, so we'll leave at 6:45." This is what happens (when I don't get sidetracked, when there's no traffic, and before we had kids):
6:00--I don't need to leave for almost an hour, I'll do something else
6:30--I need to leave in 15 minutes, so I'll get dressed.
6:40--I'm dressed! Yay, I'm early! Aren't you proud of me?
6:45--Time to go. I just have to pee first.
6:50--Let me just make sure I have everything in my bag...
6:55--Is the house ready to be empty? Did we switch off the fan in the other room? Is the back door locked?
7:00--Where are my shoes? Where are the keys? Why are you groaning? WHAT time is it?!?!?
7:05--I don't know why you're blaming me, I was ready on time.
7:10--We get in the car and drive. I feel miserable, because we're going to be late again, and I don't understand why.
7:25--We arrive...at the parking lot
7:35--We find our table, where our friends have already ordered, since we're half an hour late. Not my fault--I said it would take 15 minutes...
There was no pleasurable adrenaline rush involved (unless you get one from arguing, or that creeping panic as you realize you're in the process of failing once again), just a consistent failure to realize how long things really take, and all the steps involved in getting out the door.
My DH understands my ADD (no H for me), and he lies to me (I asked him to, so it's okay with me) about what time we need to leave. That's how we make it out the door on time!
I don't completely agree
Submitted by Nemone on
I haven't been diagnosed yet but it's most likely that I have ADHD since I'm.... pretty accurately described as an ADHD spouse and my husband and I want to go see someone about it now. I do occasionally forget about appointments but I am almost never late when I do remember them, I'm usually too early rather than too late. In fact, for really important appointments I tend to get really scared that I'll forget and I almost can't sleep at night because I can't stop thinking about them. I get so scared that I will stop thinking about it and then forget to go. I often put post-it notes anywhere that I am likely to look, like right in the upper middle of my computer screen or on top of my alarm clock. If I put a post-it note in a normal place I will forget to look at it so I have to put it someplace right in front of my face and out of place. I tend to leave early because it's stressing me out and I don't want to think about it anymore. I usually get up early on days when I have something important to do because I wake up and panic that I might have slept too long. For the first few days of my kids' school year I always get up like an hour earlier than I have to because I have to sort of find my pace and figure out how long it takes to do things. I think that in my case the military made me paranoid about the consequences of being late so I get very scared when I have something important to do. I wish I wouldn't get so worked up when I have something important to do and could remember it normally. Sometimes I do get distracted on the way to an appointment but I usually end up being on time since I always leave early.
My number one reason for taking too much time is not being able to find things before I go and getting lost on the way. I'm not sure but do people with ADHD also have a horrible sense of direction? I get lost very quickly, for example when I go to theme parks for the first time I always have to have the map constantly in hand and I have to look at it frequently because I forget what was on the way to where I'm going or which way I was supposed to go at the next turn even though I had just looked at it. If I want to remember the way, I have to remember it in a really simplified manner. Except for places I travel daily I tend to forget exactly how to get to places even though I've been to them before. Even places I drove past every day I might not know how to get to because I never forced myself to pay attention to them. I have a hard time focusing on driving and landmarks at the same time. Actually I prefer walking places because I can look at things and I won't get lost as easily. Driving makes me really feel stressed out because I'm a really cautious driver and it feels like there's too much I have to pay attention to at the same time when I drive. When I first started driving I noticed I'd occasionally zone out and almost start to forget what I was doing if I started listening to music or something while driving or if I tried to think about other things, so now I refuse to have the radio on and I only look at the road and other cars and traffic signs. I can't tell if that sounds worse than it really is but yeah... that's why I end up eating up all my extra time on the way places sometimes, because I'm not a great driver and I get lost easily.
being late
Submitted by ponomea on
I think its possible your anxiety about being late and instead being really early is a coping mechanism you came up with to deal with ADD lateness before you knew what ADD was. (I'm amazed sometimes at the strategies I realized I came up with in the past to deal with my ADD decades ago - like writing EVERTHING down). Maybe now you can give yourself a break, forgive yourself for all the lateness in the past and think, okay, now I understand and can come up with strategies that help prevent lateness. I don't know if I'm explaining this clearly (I'm in a hurry cause I SHOULD of course be doing something else but am sitting here reading this blog!:), but I think once you really understand the issues, and let go of the fear based on past failures, that little things like post-it notes might start working again.
One thing that works for me when I have to leave soon and think I may get distracted and forget to (not a good thing when you're supposed to go teach a class!) Is to set the kitchen timer to go off 10 minutes before I have to leave the house. It has to be ten minutes. If its more that opens the door for "one more thing" syndrome. It can't be right when I have to go cause then its like "What?!!!" and I might get flustered or stressed and maybe forget something. Like my coffee - sitting on the table by the door. Or the lecture notes printed out in the computer.......
That sounds right to me
Submitted by Nemone on
I think what you said is probably exactly right and I think you explained it well. I know what you mean about leaving too much time and then getting distracted. My bad habit is sitting down at the computer to read just one more thing or play one more quick game of something. That's one of the reasons I always get places early, because I want to leave the house before I start doing something else. The kitchen timer is a good idea. I have a little alarm clock that I use sometimes. I actually feel worse on days when I don't have anything specific to do because I can sit down and read things or play games on the computer for like a few hours without even noticing the passage of time and then my whole day is just gone and I haven't done anything.
I must be unusual
Submitted by DerbyChick on
I'm always on time, (ADD'er), and am usually way too early. Guess I'm over compensating!
I definitely have ADD and I
Submitted by lori_fields on
I definitely have ADD and I always get lost. Funny as it may seem I plan most trips even the usual trips for at least one wrong turn. One time I was the leader of three cars to a restaurant my husband worked at, and sure enough I took the whole caravan on a tour of the city. They didn't know any different until the kids said mom got lost again. Time management even on meds continues to be a struggle. Sometimes my husband will look at my list and say you plan to do all that in that amount of time. I do appreciate the help of my non ADD husband most of the time. I prefer though when he asks me my plan to get something done or what would be helpful for me to remember such and such, instead of always telling me what, when and how to do things.
Believe it or not despite my struggles with ADD I am a successful nurse and although I am a nurse practitioner I tend to be an underachiever and don't use that degree. I found it to be to overwhelming with less real structure. Nursing always me to creative with a lot of structure.
(New here). In my husband's
Submitted by TempusWife on
(New here).
In my husband's case, I don't think he's addicted or happy to have an adrenaline rush. I think he really gets angry at himself when he's late or when he doesn't prepare enough in advance. At least in his case, he cannot seem to break himself from planning based on the best possible scale. If it takes 20 minutes to get somewhere with no traffic, he always thinks 20 minutes, even if it's rush hour and/or bad weather. He cannot seem to schedule to a more pessimistic timescale.
Same with packing for a trip. He thinks he knows where something is but doesn't check. So if it turns out that item is not where he thought, his whole schedule is thrown off and he becomes angry.
I have noticed (and been quite frustrated on occasion) by the fact he won't get ready to go until the rest of the family is ready to walk out the door and we all have to wait for him. He won't ever get ready and wait for anyone else. A small thing, but annoying :)
Another seemingly small thing that is very annoying to me
Submitted by Hoping4More on
Your last statement that always having to wait for your husband who won't get ready until the rest of you are ready to walk out the door being a small thing struck me.
I am very, very often in the same position with my wife, and I have to say, it no longer feels like a small thing to me.
She doesn't make a move to get up and leave until I am literally walking out the door. Only then does she do whatever it is she needs to do to be ready to leave, while I sit in the car waiting.
What USED to be only annoying is now infuriating.
Ditto on walking out the door at the last minute
Submitted by LizMarie on
Usually at the time we are scheduled to leave is when my husband gets in the bathtub. When we finally get to the point of actually leaving, on the way out the door he may (after searching for the keys) stop to peruse through a stack of papers, suddenly get the urge to set the ringtones on his phone, decide he’s hungry and start cooking something, sit down to read, or go off in some other direction. Once out the door he may even start watering the lawn enroute to the van. Our favorite quote of his is “I’ll be waiting in the van for you all” as if he were waiting on us! LOL!
My husband does this too
Submitted by Sueann on
When we were engaged, we were working with one car. He is the cook so I'd go to his house, eat with him and we'd leave for work. We had to be at work at 5:30. One day I got there later than usual, and he hadn't started dinner yet at 4:30. He still insisted he had "plenty of time," even though we had to be done eating by 5. It made me crazy. I don't think I could even eat any of what he cooked, I was so nervous. He's lucky I even married him!
My husband is seldom late
Submitted by Aspen on
but he does this about other things. Like you said if perfect conditions mean 20 minutes, then in his mind it's always 20 minutes. We call this best-case-scenario thinkng, and my husband especially does it based on how confident he'll remember something without writing it down. In his mind 99% but it reality it's more like 40%
Being Late
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
My thoughts on the two sides of the "always late getting out the door" syndrome:
For the non-ADHD partner, this "little" thing becomes huge because it becomes symbolic of all of the ways you have to adjust your life to accommodate an ADHD partner's (often under-treated) symptoms. It seems rude (to you and to whomever you are going to visit) and thoughtless, even though it is the distraction that is the core issue. (Note comments below about "reading one last email" etc.)
For the ADHD partner, perhaps there is an adrenaline rush for some, but for most I think it is a genuine problem. Who wants to go out with an angry spouse? (Made angry by having to wait.) Who wants to constantly have to apologize for tardiness or be condemned by others for not apologizing? Who wants to miss their important appointments?
It helps when the non-ADHD partner assumes that this lateness is not something that is done intentionally to cause distress. Nor is it an indication that the ADHD partner doesn't care. But it IS an indication that the ADHD partner does not yet have full control over the symptom "distraction" as well as not having a good sense of time. This can be addressed by the ADHD parnter, and should be if it is a concern in your household. Here are some ways to get it under control:
Sorry,
Submitted by Des McGonigle on
Sorry,
That was a typical symptom of adhd but I never noticed till you got back to me now. I latched onto something and hyper focused on it and got it wrong, again. Sorry.
No problem Dessie :)
Submitted by sapphyre on
No problem Dessie :)
Please ignore Poked Out Eye... he's my DH, and is what we Aussies call 'a shit-stirrer'
Oh I'm sorry I already
Submitted by Des McGonigle on
Oh I'm sorry I already replied in a not so nice way, I thought he was just another reader. Ok. I really wish we could start again. I totally got the wrong end of the stick before and reacted badly and wrongly to a post that was ancient. But when I went back and read it again it makes perfect sense and I am truely sorry for what I said in the first place. That pokeeye person has serious issue though no offence. My partner Laura is what some of us adders decribe as a normal person as opposed to being mad like I am, and she sometimes finds it tough going and I find it just as tough trying not to let my adhd make life difficult for her. AAAaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!!!, its not easy on either side is it. Tell poke eye I'm sorry also. He was obviously taking your side and he/she got me on a really bad night. My siberian husky disappeared earlier this evening and still hasn't shown up so I'm on edge but I know he will be grand. Sorry again and thanks for your post. Now that I've read it properly it makes sense and even helps a bit so cheers :-)