My husband has fallen out of love - learning about my ADHD issues

I am new to this site, but I have been reading through a lot of the posts and have been finding it very helpful - knowing i am not suffering alone.  My husband of 12 years has recently told me that he is no longer in love with me.  He wishes to remain in our home - separate rooms - to allow his regular access to our children and support me in getting healthy.  He does not wish to work on our marriage, as he says those feelings are no longer there for him.  I have been researching ADD/ADHD, as I was diagnosed approximately 5 years ago (focus for school).  I was not aware how greatly ADHD would impact my social life.  My husband is more aware of how the ADHD has effected our relationship - but is still not available to work on the marriage.  I have started seeing a Psychiatrist who specializes in Adult ADHD - in hopes of getting the appropriate assistance I need, as well as proper medication for my symptoms.  I am so angry that I was so unaware of how ADHD would effect my social life.  I am so frustrated that my husband does not feel for me the way he used to - he is stuck in the negativity I have brought into our lives.  I know with assistance I can become a healthier person, I need that.  Right now I am so very sad about loosing the man that I love, a man that I would not have intentionally hurt.  While I process my daily lists in my head, and proceed with these lists I have greatly neglected the man I love.  Through this neglect I have created a loss that I am not able to recover.  I understand why he is making the choice, but I do not like it, I want to show him that we are good together - I don't know....

Chance are he is simply

Chance are he is simply trying to get your attention, so you will get healthy.  I've told my wife the same thing hundreds of times. He is frustrated, and hurt, and doesn't know what to do to get things to change.   Let's face it, if he had seriously fallen out of love with you, he would have left the home to find intimacy with someone else. He has not done this yet.

You need to work on getting yourself healthy for YOU.   Once you do that, everything will fall back into place. ADHD can really cause you to try to control him, and control the situation, but fight the natural urge.  Don't try to focus on getting him to change, for that is something outside your control.  Instead focus on what you can control, and that is your life and your health.  Once he sees what great progress you have made, he will WANT to be closer to you.   He is probably pretty frustrated himself, and wants to give up.

I understand what you say

I understand what you say when I try to control him and control the situation, I do just that.  It is very hard to accept what he is telling me.  That he no longer is in love with me, still cares a great deal for me and finds me very attractive, but not in love with me.  I am focusing on changing him - but I am also focusing on changing myself.  I am worried that he will move on.  He does tell me that he is not interested in being in any relationship now and does not foresee this.  He strongly wishes to remain in the home to assist with our children, support me through my therapy and focus on building a friendship.

Any other suggestions, I really appreciate what you have reported to me - have you been in a similar situation?


Two buckets...

Hi Carol Ann,

It's great to see that you possess the insight you display in your post. Do you think you could identify improvement opportunities and toss them into 1 of two buckets:

1. Areas where you could potentially manage without your husband's assistance (perhaps through the use of some other devices such as PDAs, alarm clocks etc)

2. Areas where you will need your husband's assistance to improve

Try to work on 1-2 key items (key = important from your husband's point of view) in bucket 1. I suspect that if your SO sees you trying and displaying improvement in some aspects, he would be motivated to assist you with bucket 2 items. Maybe the key to unlocking his assistance is to demonstrate your commitment through improvement in some areas.

And I agree with hubby123. The fact that your SO is still with you suggests that he does love you.

All the very best!

I have already begun to focus

I have already begun to focus on the areas needed for improvement.  You are right to work on only 1 - 2 items, my list is quite long.  Yes my husband remains in the home - tells me he cares for me a great deal and this decision he has made hurts him terribly.  That just makes my head spin, if it hurst why do it.  The response is I can't lie to you - I am not in love with you.  That hurts so very much.  I want to change, and I need to recognize that there is indeed a long road ahead of me.  I have just started a new medication and have read a great many books.  I have started seeing a Psychiatrist that specializes in adult ADD.  I am looking forward to gaining new skills to make my life healthier - as well as those that are around me, to be healthy and happy when they are with me.  I don't want to cause people pain any more.