Hello everyone,
I hope I can gain some insight or advice from some of you. My husband is convinced I have ADHD, and I certainly do exhibit many of the symptoms.... I'm thirty years old, and I haven't been diagnosed, although I have a scheduled evaluation in about 2 1/2 weeks. In my childhood, I excelled at school, but was socially awkward, "spazzy," talked too much, got angry easily, and knew that I just never "fit in." I was okay and comfortable with that part. I still talk to much, interrupt, get anxious when not "doing" something, etc.
I never had a boyfriend until I met my husband in college.We dated while I completed my B.A., during a time when I was holding a full-time job (at which I received executive training, and (after college) a promotion; the only executive under the age of 30. I was 22.) AND I was going to school full time. I lived in my own apartment for a year, and never missed a rent payment, paid my bills, and managed my grocery shopping so I could eat... sometimes with only $20 a week on groceries (I was naive and didn't think to apply for aid or the food bank... I ate a lot of lean cuisine and yogurt in those days.)
Anyway, I felt like I was managing fine.
Fast-forward to 30. I do not work anymore BY CHOICE, because I homeschool our two young children. Our eldest is recently diagnosed with ADHD and/or High-functioning Autism. My husband says he sees all my behaviors in our son. He has spent the last few years (before ADHD was a known possible factor) trying to "help" me and "teach" me how to do things the right way. He regularly calls me naive, stupid, tells me there's "something wrong" with me, and that my brain is "f-ked up."
My husband is significantly older than me. It makes the parent/child dynamic worse. He always tells me how to do things, because he knows that I know I'll "f-ck up."
He has told me he hates me, that I bring nothing to our marriage, and hates that I gave "whatever I have" to our son. He's recently began to grab me, pinch me, physically direct me to "gain my attention" because "nothing else' (i.e. yelling, name-calling, discussing, etc.) works. He says it's not violent - it's just a strategy. He feels no violence for me, he says.
Surprise! It's not working. I can remember him pinching my arm last night, but I can't remember what he said! It hurt and distracted me.
I left him a year ago at the encouragement of other women who agreed I was being verbally abused by him. I was gone for only 2 1/2 days before I returned, because I realized his anger/verbal abuse was a reaction to a symptom that I had... and I wanted to make it better. I stopped being so stubborn and argumentative. I tried to validate him more. I read "The Surrendered Wife." For awhile, everything was good. Better than it had been. But then it got bad again... this past week's been the worst in a long time.
I know I forget things we talk about (short-term memory problems? ADHD.) I know I don't do things efficiently. (ADHD). I know I have trouble expressing empathy. (Distracability? ADHD.) But I've never ruined our finances, I've never put the kids in danger, and I manage nearly all household duties while teaching two children! I know I was raised my unsympathetic, simple people (my family is another issue), and I know I don't do things his way... but it hurts that I have no validation for what I do accomplish. He gets angry when I get defensive, but of course I am at this point!
I know he feels invalidated, emasculated, lonely. I do too. I take medication for anxiety, and I think he has PTSD for some horrible stuff that's happened to him. He is depressed, and talks about "turning off." He hates his job, and has no real friends/colleagues there. I sympathize, and want him to feel all the love the kids and I have for him. But I am worn out by his anger towards me and my symptoms, and by feeling every day that nothing I do is right. I don't even want to speak to him any more, because anything I say will be proof that I "don't get it," that I have no empathy or poetry, that I'm naive, stupid, unreliable, untrustworthy.
I want to seek help for my ADHD. According to my husband, he "diagnosed" me years ago, and he's angry I took so long to do something about it, but when you tell your wife you think she has ADHD in the same angry conversation where you tell her "there's something wrong with you," it's hard for her to feel motivated to seek professional help! But I'm seeking it now, but get mixed messages from him. Therapy is something we "can't afford to do" (financially, and we have no familial/friendly support to watch the kids), and I'm "sure as hell" not going to see someone by myself.
I love him, and I want our children to feel secure in our family. They love both of us, and I'd hate to separate any of us from each other.
I'm reading the ADHD Effect on Marriage, but I don't know how to approach him! I tried to foster empathy (step 1), but my letter that I wrote to him was "pointless, because [he] already knew all that." I don't know how to get a real conversation started in a way that he'll be a partner in discussing obstacle emotions (step 2). He has to forgive the past for what it was: ADHD. He's not good at forgiving the past.
Any suggestions on how I can approach him on this? Thanks
-DD
Hello Stranger,
Submitted by Mirra on
Hello Stranger,
First things first - Please don't feel sorry for your ADHD. You didn't cause it, you are willing to admit it once you came to undestand your symptoms, and you are willing to get help. You are doing all this while being a loving mother and wife. There is no way you lack empathy from what I read. Also looks like you do not have severe ADHD ie the impairment is there but manageable.( I am not trying to diagnose you here ). So my verdict is YOU ARE AWESOME :)
Now it looks like your husband may well be classified as an abusive personality with or without you in the picture. He exhibits all the classic sign of an abuser. Whether that is triggered by PTSD or not doesn't matter. A family suffers immensely when one of the members is an abusive personality. He has gaslighted you enough to think that he is acting like this because of your ADHD. STOP..... His behavior is coming from a dark place in him. May be there is good place in him too. But the dark place really exist. Did you know people with abusive personalities are not abusive 24/7 365. They show this intermittent periods of niceness which might confuse us more.
He has his own battles to fight and there is nothing much you can do or say to help him. If you get help with ADHD and modify your behavior, he may find fault with something else in you. That possibility is high in such people.
The best thing that can happen to your family right now is that he gets some professional help IMMEDIATELY. Him individually first and then may be couples counselling. You second guessing yourself and trying to come up with the right words to talk to him may not help much. You may have to arrange for funds for this and hope your husband fully cooperates in this effort.
Be strong and let him not erode you of your self worth. Such people rob you of you.
For DD
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I agree with the comment below that your husband needs help - I also am pretty confident that if you tell him that the results won't be pretty. You may or may not have ADHD, though it is highly hereditary, and if you have a child with it the chances that one parent or the other has it are better than 50%. Your evaluation should clear many things up - it's great you scheduled it.
The behavior that your husband is exhibiting is abusive. He may not "feel" violent towards you, but he is being verbally violent and physically invasive. It's not okay to pinch you and grab you in order to get your attention, nor to call you the names he's calling you. If you have ADHD, you'll likely work with a therapist for a while to explore your options. At the same time, I highly recommend that you also talk about strategies for getting your husband to back off and back down.
You and your husband may also find my first book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage, helpful in that it will outline what you are BOTH doing that can cause problems in your life. Being a 'submissive wife' is a short-term band aid to smooth our your relationship in which the wife gets to give in and go along - NOT GOOD for the long term, as 'giving in and going along' is the PERFECT recipe for chronic anger. Instead, you BOTH need to find ways to calm your relationship. Since he's being abusive, he has a BIG BIG role to play in those efforts. This is NOT just all about your ADHD (if you have it)!
If you do have ADHD, be sure to download the free treatment ebook from the home page. It will also be useful for helping your son.
So, a step at a time. Get the evaluation results. Talk with the psychiatrist or psychologist about the abuse and your options. Read the treatment e-book and start working on better managing ADHD (again, assuming you have it). Read my first book for insights into calming your marriage. And check back in here to get help from others who have had similar experiences.
You deserve far better than what's coming your way at the moment.