When I met my husband he warned me that he at times is very "nervous". At the time I had no idea what that meant or what to expect. When you first notice that something is wrong with their behaviour you just laugh it off as stress from work or whatever. Until you start to see a pattern then you try to connect the dots. So I got online to look for answers. After yet another huge fight I dragged him to the doc who tested him and confirmed my suspiscion. I thought it would be a turning point for us but he only agreed to see her to make up for the huge fight we had. A week later after I had returned home he forgot all about what the doc said and refused to accept he was suffering from ADHD, saying it’s all in MY head. He claims I make it up to control and manipulate him.
He is in denial and is not willing to take meds or go to counceling. He links adhd to some kind of mental illness and his ego won't let him believe that he's not as perfect as he would like to be. I feel like i'm standing with my back against a wall in this marriage. I can't get through to him. In only two years so much has happened, he has ruined so many special occassions (like our wedding day) I'm sick of the verbal abuse, the yelling, the drama, the walking on egg shells but I'm not ready to give up on him yet. Might I mention we've been married for a year and a half and together for two years. I can't throw in the towel yet, there are a lot of good things too but unfortunately most of the time the negativity that surrounds him overclouds our relationship and lately..my feelings as well. He just doesn’t seem to be able to control himself, he yells, insults me, basically he’s very unreasonable. Me asking for technical information in a store is enough to set him on fire because when I ask for info in his presence I make him look lik a dumb and ignorant fool. If his collegue says he has to do most of the work he takes that as him saying that he’s a thief who’s getting paid for doing nothing.
You just can’t reason with him, he has a whole different mindset. Everything has to be about him, he needs to be reassured and praised. Nothing is ever his fault. God forbid you state your opinion, he hates criticiscm. I don’t even care so much about the fact that he doesn’t help me with anything it’s the verbal insulting and abuse that I can’t take. I need to be myself and I’m a very outspoken person, at least I was. I’m too confronting for him. He’s not used to people like that. Even a wrong tone of voice is enough to start a huge fight with me where he not only insults me but our relationship as well. A simple disagreement or misunderstanding leads to him questioning our marriage, expressing his regrets about being in a relationship with me, treathening to leave me. What’s worse is that he can’t even apologize for it, no cause it’s my fault, I said it in the “wrong way” so that justifies everything he said and did after that. He’s very defensive and everything I say he takes as an attack on him.
When we fight he deliberately tries to hurt me by coming home late. It’s predictable I know what to expect by now. It’s frustrating to know that you move heaven and earth on a daily base to keep them happy and calm yet to hide their own faults and defects they put all the blame on you for their behaviour. With his friends is the same thing. One day it’s his best friend, the next day he’s talking behind his back in a bad way. I had that two faced mentality. I don’t think two people should be alike in marriage, I don’t look for a clone but I would like to at least share the same morals and beliefs. Problem is constantly surrounded by people who don’t dare to go against him for various reasons. He is used of people keeping their mouth shut knowing how he will react.
I know he loves me a lot, in his own way. He accepted my son like it were his own. And I know he would just die if I left him for good. He’s big hearted and on a good day a real darling. Unfortunately days that like are rare and amongst my married friends I feel like an outcast.
Even going to bed when he falls asleep on the couch and I can’t wake him up is reason enough to cuss me out, saying I left him there like a dog (?!?)
I could go on and on…
Can someone out there give me some advice on how to avoid these arguments, how to deal with him without giving up too much of my own personality? Someone who has ADHD or is dealing with it in their marriage.