My husband's doctor is nuts!

Ok so...been a little over two weeks since my husbands diagnoses and he isn't liking the way the meds make him feel.  He said that they are making his depression worse and he has no energy, which is understandable, meds need to be adjusted...no big deal.  So he calls his doctor, yesterday, to make an appointment and the doctor (brilliant person that he is--yes that was sarcastic) tells him not to bother coming in, quit taking all the meds completely (which means his depression medication also) and he will see him in two weeks and they will try something completely new. This is because he "wants all the medication out of his system completely).  What the hell is this man thinking!!!!????

So here I sit on our anniversary, by myself because he has shut himself in the bedroom.  We are supposed to go camping for the weekend on Thursday and that probably wont happen either.  I asked him if he was going to call his counselor to set up an appointment, so that they could possibly set up some kind of plan for the next two weeks so that his depression and anger problems can be kept somewhat in check and I got "I don't need that damn therapist", "you always want to change me and make me the problem"!  No I didn't mention the depression or the anger or the ADHD, just mentioned a plan.  So now thanks to the medical doctor we are right back where we were a little over a year ago before he started taking anything.  Hes made SOOOOOO much progress and now its gonna be for nothing.

The wind has totally been taken out of my sails....I see nothing positive coming out of this!

 

I'm confused...you say he was

I'm confused...you say he was diagnosed just 2 weeks ago, but has been on meds for a year?

It is true..they do have to have the meds out of their system (especially anti-depessants) for 2 weeks before they can start anything new. Maybe that is his thinking? The danger here is stopping cold turkey. He may very well have a very rough 2 weeks. I know it's VERY VERY hard...just got through something very similar with my husband...but try and keep all interactions to a minimum and be patient until he goes back to the doctor in 2 weeks. It isn't fair...and it's very tough. I'm sorry. (((HUGS)))
 

Meds

Thanks for the hugs Sherri, I need them!!  I didn't realize you really did have to wait that long for the meds....

He was diagnosed with the ADHD two weeks ago and put on meds for it, hes been on medication for depression for a little over a year.  And yeah the roller coaster I thought was slowing down is now once again speeding up!!!

Yesterday was our anniversary and day two with no meds...first he slept half the day then when I did get him to go to lunch, it was all about getting home!  No present, no acknowledgement..nothing from him.  When he asked if I had gotten him a present and I told him no (long story) because he either gives or throws away everything I get him, and its no longer worth the effort I put into it.  He told me he was glad because he hated getting stuff.  Needless to say..not a good day. :(

We planned a camping trip for this coming weekend, because in the five years we have been together we have NEVER went anywhere without our kids, but now im dreading it.  I don't want to either walk on eggshells to avoid him getting pissed about stupid stuff or have him sleep the entire time and refuse to go anywhere or do anything.

Sorry about all the btcing, I'm just really frustrated!!!

 

 

Boo on him!

No matter what, it was your anniversary! I'm sorry, but that is no way to treat your spouse. My DW and I have had ups and downs since I was diagnosed two years ago, but I would ignore any ill feelings on a special day like this. Sorry to hear about such a sad day :(

Keep fightin'! (Figuratively, of course :)

YYZ

Trying not to hold it against him...

Thanks YYZ, 

Yes it sucked to say the least, better luck next year I guess.  I just keep telling myself that he is completely unmedicated at the moment, so he's going to be acting just like he did 2 years ago.  The difference is that I'm trying very hard not to react like I used to and not to be "hurt" by what hes doing, because hopefully he doesn't mean to be like that.  Our camping trip was supposed to be our "fresh start", and I'm trying to stay as positive as possible. 

Last night he tried to start pushing my buttons and starting a argument because suddenly he wants to take the kids and my mother (my mother and I do not get along) and make it a "family trip", I explained to him that we need time for just us with no one else and he turned it into me saying that we "never do anything together" and that's not it at all.  I have said, in the past that we don't do anything together as a couple by ourselves, we ALWAYS have to be with other people.  I wish there was a way to get him to understand the difference between being in the same vicinity as each other and actually spending time as a couple together. He sees them both as the same thing and sees me as "nagging" when I even ask him to come watch tv with me instead of him being on the computer with his back to me.  From there he progressed to if he is "so horrible and abusive" why was I so dumb to stick around, he was really fishing for a fight.  He has done some REALLY crappy shit but the good stuff has always outweighed the bad stuff and I have told him that a million times!  From your point of view YYZ...what is the best way to approach this?  I don't mean to put you on the spot, you just seem to really get "it" and I feel like I am missing something here.

 

Creating a buffer zone...

You are not putting me on the spot :) If any of my babbling helps you at all, I'm glad to do it... 

It sounds like your husband wanting to bring the kids and your mom will create enough buffer to prevent any possible serious discussions about what's going on and how to "Exactly" create the Fresh Start. Your husband says if he is "so horrible and abusive"... He telling "You" what you think! Diversionary tactic to put all this back on your choices, not his actions. (IMO) For quite a while insecurity of my weight loss in the past two years lead to many arguments similar to what you are describing. My DW would put herself down by saying "I could not be attracted to her anymore since I lost all my weight". I understand low self-esteem well, but it was more than that too. It was like she was preparing herself for the outcome she had already scripted. I just re-assured her this was not true and things eventually settled down regarding the subject.

In your situation, try not to take his bait into the argument he thinks he wants. Some people would rather attack first and drive you away, rather that get sucker punched if their fears turn out to be true. Hang in there...

YYZ  

Yay YYZ

You prove to me more and more each day just how 'aware' you are of your ADHD and its 'hidden meanings'.

@ needsalifeline - You are in the same boat as me...completely unmedicated ADHD husband and trying to hang in there until treatment is tweaked and perfected...and trying not to take things personally in the meantime. Hang in there! Don't be hurt by something that is not completely in his control. It is like us having PMS..we know we're being a b!tch, but we can't help ourselves.

I agree 100% with YYZ and what the hidden reasons behind his behaviors are. He does not want to be alone with you because he's afraid that this will be a weekend all about him and his ADHD..and being untreated...and his meds, etc. Of course he's going to put words into your mouth, so that you can be the 'bad' person. For MANY years my husband and I never did anything alone either...NEVER. There were always other people around, even if we didn't have the kids. It was because we could not have a conversation that didnt' somehow center around our marriage and how horrible it was...even if we started out talking about marshmallows, we ended up somehow talking about 'us'. It doesn't bother you and I (non's) because it feels like what is necessary to move forward. But, it is smothering to ADHDers and they avoid it at all costs. We forgot how to go out, just me and him, and just have fun. Just go out and enjoy each other. It makes perfect sense to me now, why he avoided being alone with me like the plague, but it hurt like hell at the time.

I have gotten the line "well then just go find someone else who will treat you better" or "why do you even want to be married to me!" line MANY times. It is a diversion. It is meant to make you feel guilty. Even when we think it is EXACTLY what we want, deep down we do not want to be responsible for them feeling bad about themselves. It is said to make you feel bad, to make you stop the direction the conversation is going, and to even maybe start going in the other direction and apologizing for something that maybe wasn't initially your fault. I would try to bring back up the original topic "We are discussing a camping trip, please let's not get off focus and act like this is about our entire marriage."

I wouldn't tell him "your good outweighs your bad" this still gives them room to obsess over thinking you're keeping score. Just thank him when you see the 'good' and try and work through the bad. Maybe try telling him "I just want to spend this weekend with you, alone, having fun...and I promise no discussion of anything serious if you would please be willing to give it a try". His just stopping meds is such a slippery slope..you never know how that will go, but hopefully if you give him the security of knowing that it won't be a trap to get him out in the wilderness and then trying to 'fix' everything, he might be more willing to go. Just promise to take the serious topics off of the table and focus on just having fun.

Thanks Sherri :)

I really appreciate the Pat On Back :D

I'm still trying to improve my knowledge about ADD, even though it is just me doing it. I used to be upset that my DW did not seem interested in learning something about ADD's affect on our marriage, but now I am seeing that by plugging away at better actions/reactions and consistency things are slowly improving. I guess my DW does not really need to read up on what caused us so much pain. Maybe she is beginning to feel like she does not have to worry about me, like the old days. I was the only consistent thing in her life and when my ADD Cracked, she lost her constant, if that makes any sense...

Needsalife... I agree with what Sherri is saying. It will not be easy until he feels like he can "Drop his Shields". Interesting because things did not start to improve for me until my DW dropped her sheilds, or at least lowered them a bit. Similar tactics from your ADDer and my NonADDer, weird huh???

I gotta run...

YYZ

Really...you deserve so much

Really...you deserve so much credit for being so aware of things like this. Even as a non, I am not always so in touch with my underlying motives for my behaviors. I am learning just as much about myself as I am him...so 'learning about ADHD' has been very important to me. I knew about my chronic anger before coming to this site, but never had a clue that I was in such good company. There is something fantastically wonderful about knowing that my anger wasn't indicative of an underlying horrible monster within me. It really does give many of us hope to see someone having such a positive outlook on life after getting the diagnosis. I know you're uncommon in that you had such an immediate and positive effect from meds, but still there is hope even for those of us who haven't had that experience (or our spouses, to be more specific). I don't know...I guess my point is just that it's comforting to see someone with ADHD be so aware of what his fellow ADHDers are doing when they don't say what they mean...and don't mean what they say. We, as non's, can guess and assume we know based on the past and all of the common threads of those with ADHD, but having those of you around like ellamenno, yourself, DF, and others acknowledge "yes, this is ADHD and it sucks" really does help me, personally, separate it from the husband that I love.

Well... Thanks again :)

I lived a long time with many of these chronic misunderstandings. Really the interactions between the ADDer's and the Non's is a freaky parallel. The situations, at least from my experiences, go like this... Everything seems to be going along fine for the Non, the Laid-Back ADDer is consistent, has some minor glitches but helps balance the Non's type A worry machine. As long as the life routine stays on schedule the ADDer figures out a groove and can execute it from memory, set by the routine, life keeps moving along. The problems seem to happen when life throws curve balls. Money issues, a death in the family, a new job, the loss of a job, crazy hours at the new job, children with their ever changing and expanding needs, and so on... The Groove can get smashed by new worries, exhaustion, fears, paranoia, then the impulsive actions light up, you buy stuff (under the radar) nothing crazy, or someone starts talking to you at work about Not work stuff but family stuff, just friendly, but now you know you have stepped just across a few lines in the stand, you know you have, you try to scale back, nothing is known if you can get things scaled back, but you have already given away signs without even knowing you have... The Non suddenly realizes something is wrong and asks you about it, so you are freaked because you've scaled the impulsive mistakes back and if you can just get some distance from the actions it will be okay. The Non KNOWS something is up and I am sure it blows the Non's world apart, because the rock of consistency is instead a glass house shattering in front of the Non. Out of nowhere, smack in the face, the Non worries about everything and the one thing they did not have to worry about was a ticking time-bomb. The ADDer thinks everything is okay, containment of the errors, no admission of guilt, and no known proof of guilt, so you just go on day by day, until the Non hears or finds something that is proof of their suspicions and the Non so angered by feeling duped by the ADDer picks the moment and unleashes Hell on earth. The Non has suspected for a while that something was wrong and now has the proof of their suspicions and confronts the ADDer who is caught completely by surprise, like Pearl Harbor Surprise with about the same level of preparation... This is the parallel. The Non took a baseball bat to the face when their ADDer slipped with such obvious intention in their actions. The ADDer is ashamed of his actions and is just trying to get as far away from them as possible and thinks it may just work for once. Now the baseball bat to the ADDer's face. A strategic assault that the ADDer is unprepared for. (Our worst nightmare) Looking stupid, again, bad actions that are read as actions of the worst possible calculated intent. Black and White to the Non, but a blur of grey to the ADDer. AND we look like even bigger liars because our memory moves to long term storage so fast and we are left with Cliff's Notes to explain our actions. It must look like a pack of lies because we strain to recount the events.

We are left with a couple that have been smacked in the face, without warning and both are scrambling to find the greater meaning in this latest melt-down. It all makes so much sense now. Sherri, Lululove, Needsalife and everyone else that I have learned so much from, I am so sorry for these cycles. I still feel the ADD, especially now as my meds are long gone and the proof is in my rambling :)

I know none of you and I include my DW in your company are not chronically angry because it's the way you are any more than DF, Ellamenno, ADDWIFE and I are trill seeking, uncaring and selfish because we just choose to be. We are 180 degrees apart which can be a balance of our personalities and a Time Bomb waiting to happen. If we keep swapping stories we better ourselves.

Thanks guys if you made it through this latest ramble of mine :)

YYZ  

Damn...didn't expect to wake

Damn...didn't expect to wake up to that...once again Kudos!

The cycle of "things going along fine for a while (could be days..could be weeks..could be months), then the non starting to feel something is not right (money disappearing, him wanting to spend more time away from home, OBVIOUS lies that are excuses to 'run to town', criticisms start flowing from ADHDer to non - rationalization for probable current shitty behavior) and the non asks/confronts. Gets lies. The anger grows. We feel like we are living a lie. We KNOW something is up. Then comes the baseball bat. Then (for my situation) comes deflection of blame...until I am shoved into a corner and come out fighting...and then promises of 'better'. Empty promises 99% of the time.

I am right in the middle of one of these as we speak. I won't go into details...but I do believe he is up to NO GOOD and I am completely shutting down and just want to run from him as far and as fast as I can. If he didn't have an appt with the psychiatrist Tuesday I honest to God do not think I could go on another second. He knows something is wrong, but I refuse to discuss it with him because I KNOW it will only result in anger and deflection and fighting. Little hints are mounting up...and his little jabs at me are mounting up...and then his trying SOO hard to pretend that everything is fine is just making me that much angrier.

Please pray for me that I manage to make it until next Tuesday...it is all I can do to keep myself together minute to minute. I am so sick of living with his endless well of needs, destructive ways of coping, and the constant waiting for the other shoe to drop.

He feels he can 'treat' his ADHD by getting tattoo after tattoo, with wild hair styles, by indulging himself by buying the old Jeep he has "always wanted", etc. It isn't TREATING it, it is enabling it and allowing it to run rampant. I don't care how he wears his hair, I don't like the idea of him getting anymore tattoos but might be able to live with that one although I find a lot of them VERY unattractive, and we cannot afford to pay the bills we have..much less adding another...and I'm just sick of hearing about how I am holding him back from being who he wants and having what he wants.

I am just numb at this point...and confused...not sure what I'm feeling but it looks an awful lot like PURE RAGE. :-(

Don't beat yurself up :)

I think of the old saying "Fool me Once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me" With the cycles you have been through your anger is so justified it is not even funny. You have worked so hard to separate the ADD from your spouse. I believe you have given this advice to many and I know it has to have helped them. Feel good about this help you are giving! Just think what kind of anger you could have if you did not understand what you are dealing with, maybe your knowledge adds to the anger because you see the constant Loop occurring in your life.

I see the loops too... The anger is way down, but under the surface the issues are there. I posted a while back about a break-through conversation and an agreement to get some family therapy, to have my DD2 checked for ADD. None of this has happened. I realized that my DW was not going to research and ADD doc for her after I found out my doc did not see children. About two weeks ago I did a little research and all but made the appointment. Occasional references about new FB friend, occasional comments about how much I eat and most startling of all, repeated comments about my frequent trips to the Big Hardware Store?!? WTF?!? Actually saying I must have a girlfriend at the Big Hardware Store... 

How can we know so much about this thing and not be able to punch through it??? I hope Tuesday goes well! I'll be optimistic for you :)

It really helps to "See" what you are are doing, then you can remember what you "Were" doing. You are human and have limits like everyone else.

I give You the "Pat on Back" for your work here :)

YYZ

Yyz, please take your daughter to get an ADD evaluation

I am so with you on this. My second daughter has totally ruined her life because of her ADD. I struggled mightily to get her help as a child, but had no idea what was wrong. (In the 80s, people thought only boys had ADD.) She overeats (she is probably over 300 pounds.), smokes, used drugs and was having sex by the time she was 15 (resulting in a pregnancy). She stole my car and allowed her friends to steal from and assault me (hyperfocus on friends). She lost custody of her son because of ADD behaviors, and her life is a total mess. I tried to address each symptom separately, not realizing they were all symptoms of ADD and proper treatment of that might have resulted in her having a much more successful and fulfilling life.

As the father, you have as much right as your wife to obtain medical treatment for your child. Please find a doctor who treats children and get your daughter an evaluation. Don't be like me, sad and regretful over "what might have been" for your child. I failed my child, please don't do the same.

Thank you Sueann :-)

It will happen, I assure you :) I am already coaching her in many ways. I have not told her she has ADD, but she already thinks she does. I have talked to the kids about my ADD and how it used to affect some things I did/do :(   DD2 is a straight A student and I'm trying to coach her when I see signs of struggle. She likes knowing that she and I "Think" alike. I tell her all the things that she does that remind me of my childhood. (Good Things) Like the mechanical genius in side her, the way she plays with her toys, the fantasy/pretend play, stuff like this... My mom almost cried when I explained to her about my unknown ADD and it's affects on my life. She asked if I was mad at her for not seeing the problem as a child. I made sure she understood how my high functioning ADD and no "H" made me hard to diagnose.

I will not let my DD's go through life like I did if I suspect they have ADD. I don't "Think" DD1 has it, but I'm still paying attention and I am almost certain DD2 has it. I have not been wrong yet with my "Diagnosis" yet. My DW says I see it because I want to see it in others, but I don't think so... The symptoms just pop-out to me these days.

Don't beat yourself up over your daughter. You were not trained to understand this thing. This is why ADD is so misunderstood. The Pro's are still figuring it out, so how were you supposed to see it in the 1980's? You understand now and you can help her :) If she wants to be helped as we all know...

YYZ

Untreated, it can be so life-destroying

My daughter does not acknowledge her ADD (but her son has it, and has been diagnosed). So many losses, so many things she will never get back. She dropped out of high school. Her son has been adopted by her sister. So much pain.

I did everything I could. I left her father, who did not understand her. I worked a second job to replace the money she was stealing. I tried to get her help. No one knew what was going on with her. I was probably co-dependent. I felt so much that she didn't love me, that if she loved me she'd go to school, not hit me, not steal from me, not steal my car and go out and drink and smoke weed and have sex. I could not get her committed because she never assaulted anyone but me. When it was time to leave for counseling appointments, she'd go out the window and not be there when it was time to leave. She stole my car and she got caught and I said, you know I'd have lost my job if I went out to go to work and my car wasn't there, and she said she knew and did not care.

Now she has a job she likes (but far below what she could be doing) and she never calls me unless she wants something. Her life revolves around her friends. There is no way I can help her now. These losses can't be repaired.

That is very tragic...

I cannot imagine what you have gone through with your daughters struggles. It is good to hear she has a job. Has your daughter stabilized a little bit? It seems you are really surrounded by ADDer's. It is such a shame that so many of us do nothing for the disorder, when there are so many options if you just put forth the effort.

Take care...


YYZ

Working was never her problem

My daughter is my first husband's child. I have no idea how she got ADHD. I don't think I have it, and her father is very high functioning, with a master's degree and a successful career. He may have some form of ADHD, though. He was very abusive to me and our kids and acted like the world revolved around him. He never did anything in the house.

She has always hyperfocused on the friend-of-the-moment. But the last 10 years or so, she has been all about one particular friend and the people in his orbit. She will jump when they say jump.

She works at a chain pizza store. Her biggest ambition is to be a store manager. She knows she's smart enough for college but has no interest in going. She has cost me jobs by not coming home with the car but told me she does not care. When she was 17 she owned a car and I did not. She insisted on driving me to work so she did not get stuck at home (God forbid!) and then she wouldn't get up. That cost me the best job I'll ever have.

ADD sucks. It sucks to have it, I'm sure. It sucks to be married to, or related to, someone who has it because there is no responsibility there; everything is someone else's fault. My (other) daughter is doing everything she can (meds, counseling, even military school for a while) to see that her son (ADD kid's biological child) grows up to have a fulfilling life, but it is very hard. That's why I was worried about you saying your daughter has not been evaluated. It is so important.

I really appreciate your concern :)

Once I knew what I had and how it affected so many aspects of my life, I knew I would not let my precious girls go through my experiences if I could help it. I make a point to coach my daughters as much as possible. DD2 will get the help for sure and I will surely post when it happens. What you say about ADD is so true. I have so much guilt over things that I have done or not done because of it and the way I get through the guilt is to improve my current behaviors and I want to help anyone else that is suffering because of it. I hope you get some sort of break soon. I hate to hear of your latest struggles. Hang in there...


 

YYZ

I think just being aware of

I think just being aware of it...especially with you HAVING it and knowing intimately the struggles it causes, it will help you intervene and get help..when/if the time comes. I can tell you the difference...as I think my daughter (shared with my husband) and my SD (from his first marriage) both have ADHD.

SD-very dishonest, no sense of responsibility for anything (unless she has an ulterior motive to coming clean - she will get something in return), making good grades came very easy for her but has never maintained any close friendships for longer than just a few months. Is contantly fighting with someone (family and friends) and is always involved in or causing drama of some sort. Lies about everything. Horrible driving record (she's only 19). Is happy if she's causing people she does not like misery. She has had several jobs, always quitting because of something someone else has done. (justification). She is horrible with money.

Bio-daughter-she is honest, to a fault. She does however not like to think she did anything wrong even if it is something that really is no big deal. (like recently when I asked if she had any spoons in her bedroom and she seemed greatly offended that I would say that..but there were 6 in her room). She struggles in school to make Bs and Cs. She has TONS of friends and several really close friends whom she has known since kindergarten. (she's almost 13). All of her friend's parents love her and she is the one who is invited on family vacations with several of her close friends. She does get involved in drama occasionally, but mostly because she gets sucked into it by someone, but it is rare. She feels HORRIBLE if she thinks she's hurt someone's feelings.

The main reason I feel she (BD) has ADHD is because she has the same 'off' sense of reality that her Daddy does sometimes. She truly just does not seem to 'get it' that if she asks me to do something for her, because she doesn't want to, and I refuse..it doesn't mean I am lazy. Also, as I mentioned, she is very defensive of being 'wrong' about anything...but can be furious one minute and act as if nothing happened the next (again just like her ADHD father).

Very interesting...

I'm a guy so it is a little different. I was/am more like your BD. I do hate to be wrong, but have learned to admit it if is proven to be true. I will defend my position to the death, unless there is proof to the contrary. If the topic is subject to interpretation, then I will just agree to disagree, but don't expect me to ever change my mind ;) I am stubborn, like you didn't know that by know :) My grades were all over the map. I could be a "C" or "A" student, depending on circumstances. I posted about re-inventing myself a while back. I've done this throughout my life. Maybe I've actually "Found" myself now... I HATE drama and don't understand why anyone would like it. I try to shine when I need to, like work, and stay under the radar the rest of the time. I hate to disappoint my loved ones and ADD has helped me do this a few times, then the guilt and low self esteem, but I don't project feeling this way upon discovery of the let-down because I'm trying to explain away why it happened, going back to knowing I failed/"Wrong" and I don't want to be wrong again. Make any sense??? My sister was just diagnosed. I asked her about it a while back. It took me quite a while to figure it out in her and she sounds more like SD. We have different dads and I'm certain my dad has it and my sisters dad was a 1st class A-Hole and in retrospect has a lot of the bad ADD traits.

 

YYZ


 

My daughter and I are very,

My daughter and I are very, very close...but she will buck my rules and ignore my requests more than anyone else's, of course. Therefore we butt heads more often than I wish we would. However, if she gets angry about something and says "don't tuck me in, I'm going to bed!" and storms off to her room mad, it is usually just minutes before she'll text me (yes, from across the hall) and say she's sorry and ask me to please come tuck her in. She has often cried and shows a ton of remorse when she says something hurtful (NOTHING compared to what my husband and SD have said to me over the years). She will go in her room mad as a hornet at me over something and come out minutes later with a sweet note apologizing. She writes me some of the sweetest notes ever, even when she's not mad. The one she wrote me on Mother's Day made me cry like a big baby. I have two saved VMs from over 2 years ago from her that are super sweet too. She's such a good girl, just seems out of control of herself sometimes. It did get worse when puberty hit, so it may be some of that as well. She is definitely more argumentative when she's having her 'time of the month'. (but then again, so am I) :o)

Your comment about hating to disappoint your loved ones really describes her completely. Her ability to apologize really gives me tons of hope..because neither her father nor her step-sister have managed that yet and they are 19 and 38. Sigh.

Notes and handmade cards...

My DD2 does the same things. She always wants to make sweet notes and pictures for us. She wants to save all the animals in the world and heaven forbid you are a poacher, you had better watch your back, because she seems to be saving something special for the poachers ;)

We discovered a long time ago that she needs her schedule (Like me) the later in the day it gets the more she is likely to twist off about something. Consistent schedule is key for her. In the mornings, like school days, I have to hover near by to keep her on track. You can ask her to do something and she will head off to do it, but any number of things can re-rail her, like something on TV, the dogs, or 50 other things. She always means to do what you ask, so when I call up to see if it is done, and hear the familiar panic in the voice (Like my panic) and some reason why it is not done, but she is "Almost" done I don't give her a hard time because I "Think" I understand. My coaching is helping, she is a straight "A" student and the sweetest girl next to DD1 :) I've been through the "Tuck me in" situation a few times as well.

I will not let her suffer with this... I've picked out a psychiatrist and I intend to get her assessed soon. My DW listened a few months ago when I told her what I thought was going on with DD2. DW did a little research and read to me some signs that your DD may have ADD. We read the list and she said "As much as I hate to agree with you, I do..." I was glad, but a little bothered by the fact that she did not want to believe it because I suspected it first :( Either way it is good for DD2 and That is what is important.


 

YYZ

I can relate to the Big

I can relate to the Big Hardware Store paranoia...although my husband's is various other places...it is all about trust. Deep down she doesn't trust you. A part of her feels very insecure and probably makes these comments because she is probably putting out feelers to get some sense of security about the situation. I do this...and fully admit it is just plain old lack of trust mixed with a little dash of my own insecurities. I was NOT like this until he cheated. I trusted him WITHOUT QUESTION.

I blew it. I totally lost it and felt I could not take another second of all of this today and I went off on him. I guess it has all been boiling under the surface for the last 6 months and I just could not take it anymore. He may have ADHD but damnit that does not mean that he cannot acknowledge what he has done and quit pretending nothing is wrong. I know it should be 'good enough' that he is going to see a shrink next week, but when he's only going to prove everyone else wrong, what good will it do? I keep hearing over and over in my head how useless treatment is if the person receiving it does not feel there is anything wrong with them. I'm putting all of my hope on this one appt and he isn't even going for the right f$*($*&g reasons! I just could not take another minute of it and I lost it. I have been having (what I feel are) panic attacks...where I get so overwhelmed by the thoughts of it my heart races and I can't breathe and I cannot hold back the tears. Look at me? What kind of crazy $hit is this I am doing to myself? Now that he's wanting to come around and being nice and pretending as if nothing is wrong, now I am ready to RUN. I KNOW he isn't OK. I know all of the signs. He is still self-medicating. Adding to the mix the things he's doing behind my back and saying to my face, I just cannot take it anymore. He would never admit it, but he has stuff seeping underneath the surface too...he'll just let his build up until he checks out or cheats ..or both..again.

I need help. It is obvious I need help. I've lost all objectivity and all ability to separate myself from the (perceived) impending doom. I know I will be OK...but I am ashamed of my anger and for my own sanity I need to let it go. I hope getting out what I did today will help. I gave him 6 months. I'm mailing my copy of Melissa's book to a friend whose husband will probably care enough to read it with her. I just have nothing else to give to this marriage right now. Even if my actions result in it ending, I have given all I can and he has taken all I had to give and then some.

Oh..and his reaction..as

Oh..and his reaction..as always? "I am tired of you fussing at me" and "leave me alone". Ignore, deny, and avoid. That is his policy. My delivery was horrible on some points, but on others he could at least take a little credit for what he's done. He gives me no reason to stay.

I'm So Sorry, i think i may

I'm So Sorry, i think i may be getting in trouble for saying this but this guy may have more than just a ADHD/ADD problem....! OMG!!! Maybe the doc will work on THAT first! You have some serious patience. I am crossing my fingers for tuesday for you.

Our regular counselor and his

Our regular counselor and his medical doctor both feel he has bipolar in addition to the ADHD and that is what he is determined to 'prove everyone wrong' about. It makes a lot of sense for a couple of reasons..#1 he has had four definitive major depressive spells since I have been married to him in 14 years (could also be the 'dark side' of ADHD...because all of them were 'triggered' by some life changing event) and #2) ADHD meds do not work for him very well. Any benefit he gains from them with concentration and focus is overshadowed by his horrible hostility and short fuse when he takes them. I guess that is a huge fear of mine, that he'll still deny the diagnosis even if the shrink diagnoses it. He embraces the ADHD diagnosis...but only the parts that HE feels he 'has'...not often willing to admit that it affects his perception of events or even of our entire marriage. He wants to claim all of the 'fun' parts, but none of the ugly. He also feels, on rare days when he admits it causes issues, that he can control it himself...by expressing himself through 'different' hair styles and tattoos and by buying 'stuff'...but all of this does is feed the unfillable void it leaves in his life.

I'm sorry for your misery...

I understand the panic/anxiety attacks. Your doctor should be able to give you Klonopin, which is what I was first given by my psychiatrist for some immediate relief of the anxiety. They really helped take the edge off... I was about to blow an O Ring from the pressure. I remember when my GP sent me to the Psych for Bi-Polar I was pretty sure I was NOT Bi-Polar, however I knew SomeThing was wrong with me... You need to try and take care of yourself (Like I need to tell you :) Call a friend, go to a movie. anything to decompress a little. These never ending cycles are SO Suffocating. I don't understand the ADDer's who just try to keep poking at their spouses.

Try to hang on, remember he's puffing up his chest about this appointment because he KNOWS he is going to get a Diagnosis he cannot contest. If he can run you off he can control the meeting or not even go. Its a Bluff! Take care...

YYZ

Sherri, I am so sorry

It sounds like everything sucks for you right now. But don't give up hope. Even if he does it for the wrong reason, it may work.

My DH applied for a job because our marriage counselor told him to. He did it only to prove no one would hire him. But they did, and we had 3- 1/2 good years before he lost that job. So his appointment may work even if he goes into it with bad motivation.

Have you talked to NAMI? If you are dealing with bi-polar disorder, they may have some peer resources that would help you. They are nice people and they gave me a lot of support when my husband was diagnosed and couldn't get help because we didn't have insurance.

Thank you Sueann. I haven't

Thank you Sueann. I haven't looked up anything about bipolar...waiting for the appt and seeing how that goes. If I didn't value the members here and what they offer me in support I probably wouldn't even be researching ADHD at this point. It feels so lopsided anymore that I am the only one who is doing ANYTHING to get this thing under control and get on with our lives. I guess it's easy for him to ignore...he isn't the one who has been cheated on and treated like a monster because of it. (sorry, i'm a little bitter...)