My journey begins...

This was going to be a "My Story" post, but my story is really just beginning. 

My wife and I have an 11 year old daughter and 8 year old son.  We had been married 4 years before having kids, and there didn't seem to be any significant issues during this time.  After having kids, I believe things really changed.

It was suggested in the past that I suffered from depression.  I never fully bought it, but not knowing anything else, I figured that had to be it.  Of course nothing changed with me and my relationship with my wife, since it appears I was right about the depression.

I finally made an appointment with a psychiatrist 3 weeks ago.  I had seen some psychologists, but for some reason never fully embraced therapy.  Maybe because all along I went in with a mindset of discussing depression.  As a result, I dragged my ass, and didn't really put 100% effort into trying to figure out my problem.  During my appointment, the doctor said I didn't seem to fit any category she could think of.  But she did mention ADD once in passing.  I told my wife about this, and the next day she said I think that might be it.

I did some research, and found Melissa's book.  I started reading it.  HOLY CRAP.  I told my wife it was as if someone had been secretly living in our house for the past year, and decided to write a book about us.  I was very emotional as I started reading it, and realizing I may have figured out what has been going on for the past 11 years.  I felt:

- angry, for sitting on my ass for so long and not figuring this out a long time ago.  

- sad, that I had this "problem".

- sorry, for all the grief I caused, and quality time we missed out on because I didn't get to the bottom of this sooner.

- hopeful, that we could figure out how to deal with this and have a fresh start.

I have canceled my next appointment with the psychiatrist (who I wasn't crazy about), and made an appointment in a few weeks with a psychologist that specializes in ADD (the H doesn't apply to me).  I also finished the book.  

I've asked my wife to read the book, and she she said ok.  I'm very curious to see her reaction.  She is very angry right now, and I believe we have reached a critical point in our marriage.  I feel as though I may have figured out this ADD think just in time (or at least that's what I'm hoping).  To make matters worse, I lost my job about 4 weeks ago.  I took the job about 16 months ago, after losing my previous job of 5 years.  That one was not my fault.  I had a jackass for a boss who scapegoated me to cover his ass.  This last job was a mistake, and I wasn't happy there.  Of course, instead of doing something about it, I just hung around until they realized it wasn't going to work.  

I have told her, and am trying to show her, that I am committed to addressing this.  I have read some of the comments in the forum here about spouses who are aware they have ADHD, but don't seem to interested in treating it.  I honestly cannot understand this.  Tomorrow is our 15th wedding anniversary, and as soon as I'm done here, I will write her a letter apologizing for all the anguish I have caused her for so long, and invite her to work with me on repairing our relationship, and figuring out how to work together to overcome my ADD.  

Wish me luck.  I'll keep you posted as things progress.  I'm hoping that maybe I can help anyone who might be in a similar situation, some of you who have already been through this might be able to help me.  If you made it to the end of this rambling post, thanks for sticking in there.

carathrace's picture

I do wish you luck, and lots of other things

...like a "teflon hide" to help you bear the sore feelings of your spouse; and a really good coach who can give you real-life strategies to use to improve your ADHD (not just theories); and another good counselor for the both of you to work on your damaged relationship.  I also wish for you to meet Jackrungh, who's around here, and who it seems you have a lot in common with -- seems like you guys could be of some encouragement to each other.  And please ask your wife to consider taking Melissa's course with you.

My husband was diagnosed with major depressive disorder a long time ago and we thought that was all that was wrong with him.  (it would have been enough!)  But the distractability, the losing things, the forgetfulness, the hyperfocusing, etc. never changed with antidepressants.  When he was diagnosed with ADHD too, about a year ago, and we started reading about it, it was like the round peg sliding neatly into the round hole at last.  And like you, mixed feelings -- relief that there's a name for this malady, overwhelmed that there's SO MUCH to do to manage it.  He is not having much success with medication (tried Adderall and Ritalin) but continues to take it.  I can tell you, there IS hope for your marriage, but it takes both of you on board 100%.  The first step is both of you learning as much as you can about it.  Keep hanging around and share your progress with us!

Right there with you

Sounds so much like my marriage and the things I am feeling and going through. Our marriage is almost 4 years old but she started expressing concerns a few months before we got married. She has recently left me, and I don't know if she will return. I can only hope that she does. I can only hope she has the strength to take this journey with me. But I don't blame her if she chooses not to. I am so disappointed in myself for not finding this hope before and for putting my wife through so much strife. My hope now is that I still can change myself. I can take control through proper medication, exercise, eating healthy, thinking positive, retraining my brain, and arming myself with knowledge. I hope and pray your marriage succeeds!

"The secret to saying no to a strong immediate desire is to find an even stronger future desire."