I need some help. 5 years ago when I was first married I noticed things about my way of thinking and behavior that was detrimental to being in a healthy relationship so I sought out counseling by myself. I took a test with a psychologist and was told that I had adult ADHD. I thought he was a total moron; I was uneducated about ADD and ADHD I thought there was no possible way I could have ADHD. I graduated with high honors, was on the dean's list in college and am able to finish most (99.9%) of the things I start with no problems. So I argued with him that there was no possible way until they handed me off to a different therapist, which they did. That therapist immediately started treating me for anxiety/depression, which I figured was accurate. I was put on 75MG of Effexor, and stayed on it for about 2 years. There were some side effects but nothing too crazy (lightheaded sometimes, little "brain spasm" type feelings). I came off of it with the help of my therapist because I didn't think it was doing much for me.
I was alright for about another year, but now, for the last 2 years I feel myself spiraling out of control. My mind races constantly. It's like there are 20 people talking to me at the same time and I cannot focus on a singular train of thought. I have increasingly negative thoughts and have even had suicidal thoughts ("i'm better off dead"). My mind gets stuck on negative, hopeless, and sometimes baseless thoughts ("my husband doesn't appreciate me" or "I'll never be able to afford to pay my student loans, I'll die in debt and won't be able to send my own children to college", etc) until I cannot function. I have crying spells. I have to re-read entire paragraphs in books because I'll realize my mind was completely somewhere else when I get to the end of it. I feel like I spend 99% of my time awake trying to deal with my thoughts. I wake up many times a night. I wake up exhausted, mind already racing. I have zero self esteem and very little self worth.
Everything anyone says to me is totally misconstrued in my mind. I cannot hold a conversation without getting emotional. I've grown angry, defensive and irritable. Every day is a struggle to quite the negative thoughts. EVERYONE bothers me. At the end of the day I feel tired and defeated. I have severe highs and lows. Today is a low, but 2 days ago i felt like my life was changed by a freaking TV show I saw.
I argue with my husband at the drop of a hat, usually because I've become emotional for no reason at all. He barely wants to talk to me anymore. I have (had) a perfectly decent marriage. I love him to death and we are very, very close. He tries to help me all the time but I feel unfortunately this one is out of his hands. This is so deep in my brain I feel powerless to it. It's so bad the talk of divorce has come up, as I'm making both of our lives absolutely miserable. And after an argument, I feel so overrun with guilt for having said things that I really didn't mean. It's like there's the real me, and it's floating around in a place I can't control. To make this more difficult my husband has an aversion to therapists and truly thinks I can just "get over" this if I just tried harder. This is a huge blow to my self esteem, as I feel like I do nothing but try.
I obsessively pick my cuticles, so badly I have to wear gloves to minimize it. However I work with my hands so I can't always wear them.
I'm afraid if something doesn't change soon i'll be in such a dark place I won't be able to get out. I'm hurting everyone around me who loves me and that I love.
I don't know what to do. I decided today to research ADHD, remembering that first psychologists diagnosis, just to really see and finally give it a chance. It all seemed very, very accurate.
I might have to see a therapist despite my husbands aversion to them, because I cannot continue to live like this. However, is there anything I can do on my own to affect this?