I’m so sorry to those of you who have been waiting on this post. Life has been crazy! But it’s been driving me mad that I haven’t finished up this series like I said I would. Anywho, I’ll just jump right back in from where I left off.
In my last post, I spoke about letting go of my entitlements. When I realized that I didn’t want anyone doing anything for me unless they wanted to & only because they would be happy to do so – I realized that I shouldn’t be doing anything for anyone unless I wanted to & only because I was happy to do so as well.
How many times did I think to myself, “why should I be doing all the cooking, cleaning, child rearing, paying for everyone’s living expenses etc., while my husband does nothing at all?” But you know what? If doing A-Z makes me UNHAPPY then I actually shouldn’t be doing any of it. If I continue doing things that make me feel unhappy, whose fault is it? That’s right, it’s mine. There’s nobody to blame but ME. So I decided that I would do NOTHING in my life unless I wanted to and unless I was HAPPY to do so.Lesson #3) Give to Yourself Before Giving To Others.
After thinking about “all the things I do for my family,” I realized the biggest reason why I wasn’t feeling happy about it all wasn’t because, “I didn’t want to do any of it,” it was because after doing, and doing, and doing, and giving, and giving, and giving – there was nothing left over for ME. This was the problem.
I MAJORLY neglected myself in life thinking it was for “the greater good” or whatever. But no, it only made me MISERABLE, so this needed to change ASAP. I knew that if I could give to myself FIRST, then giving to others wouldn’t feel so AWFUL. I cannot take care of the needs of others and feel good about it UNLESS I take care of myself FIRST, and that’s exactly what I aim to do nowadays.
I take excellent care of myself in ALL aspects of life and always consider my needs before doing anything for anyone else. I’ll give you an example if you want.
In the morning, for example, I make it a point to wake up a couple of hours before everyone else. This gives me time to be alone (which is very important for my mental stability), it gives me time to workout (which helps me feel like I’m taking care of my health), it gives me time to take a long hot shower (which helps me to feel super relaxed and puts me in a good mood), and last I have time to take care of my appearance, I get dressed and ready for the day in a way that makes me feel pretty, feminine, and confident (which helps me feel like I’m taking care of my needs as a woman.) After giving all of this to myself first thing in the morning, I am MORE than happy to prepare breakfast for my family. c:
This is the rule that I live by. Since I only do what I want to do, I always feel like everything I do (even the things I do things for other people), is being done for me, which prevents me from feeling “unappreciated”. And since I only do as much as I’m happy to do, I’m always keeping my own personal well-being in mind and so I never go beyond my limits, I never give too much of myself away to anyone or to anything, which prevents me from feeling overworked or overwhelmed in my daily life. I’ll give examples of what I mean by this.
Cleaning: I’m an appreciator of beauty so living in a well-maintained environment that is pleasing to my eyes is a personal need of mine and I’m responsible for making sure my own needs are being met. Because of this, I view cleaning up as something I do for myself – even if I’m not the one who messes the place up. At the same time, I have to make sure that I don’t go beyond my limits to where I end up feeling resentful or bitter about the work that I put in. So what I did to prevent myself from overexerting myself was, I de-cluttered and reorganized my home to the point where it was very easy for me to clean up. I made it easy for my children to help clean up their mess as well so it’s even easier to clean, yay!
I also re-decorated my home a little so that when my work is done, I am very pleased with the results which makes me that much happier. It only takes me 20 minutes tops to clean up my home at any given time, and I only clean up twice per day. I play music and even dance around while cleaning to help keep a cheery, upbeat attitude about it all.
I found that I don’t need my home to be super clean all day, every day, in order to feel happy with it. The only times I really need it to be super clean is when I wake up in the morning and when I come home in the afternoon. That’s why I only clean up twice per day, once in mid-morning before I leave for the day, and once before I put my children to sleep at night. By not trying to be OVERLY neat and tidy and by NOT trying to combat the mess throughout the ENTIRE DAY, it leaves room for the children to be children, it helps me maintain a more RELAXED attitude about the whole situation, and even leaves room my husband to take it upon himself to clean up too, that is, if he chooses to do so.
When it comes to my husband, I only clean up after him as much as I’m happy to do – which is NOT very much at all. I will take care of his dishes when I clean the kitchen, and if he leaves his clothes laying around the house, I have no trouble throwing them in a basket - but that’s pretty much it. The reason for this is because he is an adult – and I cannot clean up as much after able-bodied adults without it leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. The second reason is because he is an adult and it’s his home too – so he has the right to be messy in his own home, he has the right to feel comfortable in his own home, he has the right to be treated as an adult and not as a child. I have no authority over him, he can do what he wants. If his mess bothers me – that’s my problem, not his. Everything can’t be my way all the time.
I didn’t do any of this thinking that it would change my partner, but he did change quite a bit. The more I stopped complaining about his mess, stopped arguing, and stopped making him feel guilty about “all the work I do” –the more he started taking it upon himself to clean up either after himself, after the children, the kitchen etc. There are no “cleaning rules” between my husband and me, we both do what we want when we want as individuals.
Cooking: The way that I’m able to view cooking as something that I want to do and something that I’m happy to do is by cooking meals that I want to eat, not catering to everyone else’s tastes. I keep foods in the house that everyone likes as well and I’m don’t have MALICIOUS intention to purposely make meals no one else likes, but when it’s my time to cook my main priority is to make sure that I’m going to enjoy the meal. If I don’t feel like cooking, I have no trouble asking my husband if he would like to do so, or perhaps he could order us food, or even take us out to eat. I have no trouble ordering food for the family or taking the family out to eat either. There are no “cooking rules” between my husband and me, we both do what we want as individuals.
Child Rearing: When it comes to taking care of the children, I am a stay-at-home mom so I’ve always done most of the work. But even when my husband would come home from work, or if it was his day off, or if he wasn’t working at all (for whatever reason), I always felt that it was UNFAIR that I had to do most of the childcare. Being upset with my husband affected who I was as a parent. I would be in a bad mood while taking care of my children because I’d be thinking about how my husband should be helping out with this too. It created thoughts of, “Why should I be the one has to do this while my husband does nothing.”
I took care of those sorts of thoughts by taking care of my own needs first (as I’ve explained in lesson#3), and by not going beyond my limits in any given moment. I view taking care of the children as something I do for myself because I care very much about the relationship I have with my two girls, my hope is that I’m able to maintain a strong bond/connection with both of my daughters throughout their entire lives. I believe that the better care I give them as their mother, the stronger that bond is going to be. I enjoy being a mother very much, it’s not something that is a drag on my life – I feel like our society is so anti-children/anti-parenting nowadays, which is pretty sad IMO and I totally disagree with that mindset.
I follow a routine with the children so that I’m able to live up to my own standards as a parent, I’m able to have time for myself, and I’m able to have time to take care of the other things I have going on in my life as well. So there’s NO reason for me to be UPSET with the amount of time/effort that I put into taking care of the girls, I do so happily each day.
When it comes to my husband, the only thing that was left to UPSET me was the worry that he and the girls wouldn’t form a strong bond together and I really wanted them to have that for all of their sakes. I realized that if I kept telling him what to do, when to do it, and how to take care of the children, and if I kept looking over his shoulder all the time/kept tabs on what I do vs. what he does - my husband would NEVER feel like a real parent. All I could do was try to encourage a relationship between them and SEE what happens.
What I did to encourage a better relationship between my husband and our girls was, I left opportunities for them to be alone with one another and let them figure it out for themselves. I try to do that as much as possible without giving my husband advice/directions on how to handle it, and without asking a bunch of questions about how things went once I return. I just ASSUME THE BEST!
Whenever my husband and I are both home at the same time, I leave room for my husband to have a chance to be the one who gives permission for something, to make meals for them, put them to bed etc.
“Mommy, can we have a snack?”
“Hmm, I don’t know. Let’s go ask Daddy what he thinks.”
I also always talk my husband UP to the children. “You know, daddy loves you so much. What’s your favorite thing to do with daddy?” I always let my husband know the sweet things the children say about him, as well.
I wasn’t sure if trying out any of these things were going to make any sort of difference, but I really feel like all these things together made my husband feel more CONFIDENT in his ability to be a parent which made all the difference! It wasn’t fair of me to think that my husband should know how to take care of children without giving him the time and opportunity ANY parent would need to learn how to do so. I had SO much time alone with the kids since their birth which gave me the time that I needed to build the parenting skills and the confidence that I have as a mother today – it DID NOT happen overnight. So I wanted to give my husband a fair shot at it too WITHOUT judging him.
Again, there are no “parenting rules” between my husband and me – we sort of just go with the flow.
Finances: In order to be a stay-at-home mom, I work from home, so I actually make a lot LESS money than my husband does. Even so, I found that my husband would always come up short when it came time to pay for things. He didn’t manage his money well. He would always think that he could afford so much more “extras” than he actually could, so when it came down to paying for bills, food, diapers etc. – he didn’t have much to give. Which left me feeling like I had to pay for most-all of our family expenses while he used his money as “play money.” Which I obviously thought was UNFAIR.
But I didn’t WANT to argue about money anymore and I didn’t WANT to manage his money for him anymore either, <- I wasn’t HAPPY doing these things and it wasn’t doing anybody any good, so I stopped thinking in the sense of paying for things “50-50”, because I found it to be way too stressful. I just paid for things that I felt comfortable paying for, regardless of what my husband had to offer.
I found that I didn’t mind paying for things that would benefit the entire family and if I had money left over for myself afterward I would be even HAPPIER to pay for it too. To improve the situation for the long run, I looked for ways that I could make more money for now, and/or sometime in the future. I didn’t have to WORRY about my husband's money situation anymore because either way, we would be okay.
With that in mind, I left my husband alone to figure out the best way to manage his own money, and I could be happy with whatever he DID have to offer at the end of the week/month no matter how much it was. For example, I would just ask, “Hey, we have the electric bill to pay soon, how much money do you think you’ll be able to put towards it?” And I would be happy with whatever it was he had to offer. If he only had “a small amount” to contribute, I would just smile and appreciate it. And if he had nothing, I would smile and say, “That’s okay, don’t worry about it.” There was nothing fake about it, my intentions were GENUINE.
I didn’t do this in an attempt to change my husband, but I found that the more I did this, the BETTER he became at managing his money. All I really had to do was step out of his way, appreciate what he DID bring to the table, and let go. He started contributing more and more money to our family expenses and he was very happy to do so. I actually don’t even pay for much anymore because, well, he won’t let me – he wants to pay for everything. But I still never EXPECT him to! I always ask about the bills and offer to pay for things just the same. If my husband falls off the wagon one day, loses his job, or feels like he’s not able to pay for as much, that’s okay!
When it’s all said and done, I really feel like the energy I brought to the table made all the difference in the world for everyone in my family. I was able to do all of this with a happy attitude because I was more concerned about MYSELF and what I could do to improve my life than I was with my husband. I stopped looking down on him with harsh judgments & let him be while choosing to believe the BEST in him. But NONE of this happened over night. It took me time to settle into my new mindset and it took my partner time to notice the change in energy, too. Over time, I’ve noticed a TREMENDOUS difference in EVERYONE involved. We are all soo much happier now.
Sometimes I did fall off the wagon, though, and I still do! I’m not perfect and I don’t try to be. I found that when my mood DOES start to change and dark thoughts towards my partner begin to resurface, it’s always during the times where I get lazy about taking care of myself.
I want to add that sometimes my daily tasks still DO overwhelm me, as well. And that’s when I have to remember the golden rule, “Do only as much as you are happy to do.” For example, if I’m feeling like I’m having a hard time with the girls, I need to stop whatever I’m doing and take a short break, take a little “me” time and get back into it once I’m feeling better. ETC. The rule is, whenever I'm feeling down I always focus on me, not others. I'm responsible for keeping myself happy and for making my life the way I want to be.
Okay guys & gals, I feel like I’ve explained A LOT and yet, not much at all lol, I couldn’t explain everything here, but I tried to explain as best as I could. I hope this makes some kinda sense.
Might be missing something here...
Submitted by Karinda on
Submitted by Island-Girl23 on
I live my life the same way as I would if I didn't have a husband. If I want my life to be a certain way, I feel it's up to me to make it happen. It's not up to other people to live by our own personal standards, everyone has the right to live life their own way.
When it comes to waking up early in the AM, I've always been one to wake up early so that I'd have time to be alone since I was a 12 or 13 years old. I only quit doing this once I got too comfortable in my relationship. I have children so the only time I have to be alone is in the morning before they wake up and after they go to bed at night. I like to get ready and work out etc. and the best time for me to do so is in the morning. There's no point in getting ready at night lol and I don't like working out at night. I spend my nights working for a bit and then spend the rest of my evening relaxing with my husband. How is this not taking care of myself?
In the past, I would see that my partner was not living his life my way and I would become upset and resentful towards him for it. I'd stop living up to my own standards/preferences as a way to "protest" against him, if you will, because I had the mindset of "well why SHOULD I have to do x,y,z." The whole problem with that state of mind is that I actually don't HAVE to - it's my own choice to do so or not. The only reason to be upset with my husband is if I'm not HAPPY with what I'm doing in my life (misery needs company) and so I found ways to enjoy what I'm doing all the time. I would do the SAME thing even if I wasn't with my husband and I bet more people would be more motivated to do the same for themselves (in their own way) IF they were not married (including people without ADHD-partner's). It's the little things that matter most in life and I make the best of it. What's wrong with that?
I live my life my own way and let my husband live his life the way he wants to. It's about accepting him and respecting him as an adult/individual and giving up false beliefs about what an adult or a good person is and should be. It's about choosing to recognize that there is no one "right way" to be or to live.
I can think of many people who I know and love who keep their home a whole lot messier than I personally would - so what? I don't go to their house and judge them or make them feel bad about it - so why not give my husband the same respect? He can clean up if and when he wants to, just like I do - just because he has a higher tolerance for messiness than I do, doesn't mean that he should live his life by my rules. Why should I be able to clean up if and when I feel like it and make him clean up when I want him to? Just because I feel like it more often than he does? I consider myself to be a pretty clean person but I know people who are a WHOLE lot tidier than I am and have been roommates with them as well. I've also gone through depression and had a hard time cleaning up at all, and these same "clean freaks" didn't treat me any different or make me feel bad about it. So why not give my husband the same respect? I don't like feeling like I'm an authority figure towards my husband - I don't like telling other adults what to do, so I don't and I'm much happier for it.
I know many people who don't have a whole lot of money or have trouble keeping a job, or haven't figured out what they wanted to do with their lives yet - so what? I like them just the same, the money they make has nothing to do with me and it has nothing to do with who they are as people, so why should I judge my partner by the amount of money he has to offer? As I've said, he usually makes more money than I do so would it be okay for him to judge me for not making as much as he does? I don't think so. That would really hurt my feelings. I give my best and I trust that he does the same - that's all that really matters to me now. Sometimes we have a lot to give, sometimes not as much - and that's okay. I appreciate what I have and if I want MORE for myself, I feel it's up to me to make that happen. If in the end I wind up living at a "higher standard" because of my husband, that's cool too - but I would HOPE that he wouldn't judge me or resent me or look down on me for not being up to par with him - that would really hurt.
There are many people who don't parent their children in the same way as I do - so what? I respect them as parents just the same, so why shouldn't I respect my husband's way? He loves our girls very much and they are well taken care of.
I'm sorry, Karinda, I don't mean to offend you but I do think you're missing a lot, maybe that's my fault for not explaining my perspectives well enough. I am, in NO WAY, adjusting myself completely to my husband - it's just that I stopped expecting him to adjust himself to ME and my wants in life. Because of this, my life is FINALLY more than fine, my life is great and it keeps getting better. If you have trouble believing that, that's perfectly okay.
As I've said, my husband actually did end up changing a lot and while I really do appreciate it, I feel that I could still love him as he WAS, which was my goal all along. While I always BELIEVED that he could "change" if he really wanted to, I didn't think that he would just by me living my life my own way and understanding the fact that he needs to do the same for himself. In many aspects, I've found that nowadays, my husband actually does more and contributes more to the family than I do.
Anyway, Karinda, I don't expect everyone or even for most people to share the same outlook as me, but I hope you have a better understanding of where I'm coming from now. Either way, we can talk about it more if you want.
Submitted by kellyj on
What you've done is simply amazing. I mentioned this is my (very long explanation) to Delphine in describing only the sadness I have had in fighting up against something that was not created by you nor I..... It has been in existence for thousands of years between men and women and it is a powerful force that separates us and creates an environment of distrust, misinterpretation and feelings of persecutions at times, when it is completely unnecessary between a man and a women by no fault of our own.
It creates a thinking on both sides that the other person is doing something to make your life more difficult which only makes you miserable from the thinking this invisible foe creates. It's divisive...creates hatred, prejudice and a bias' that only leads to sorrow and sadness on both sides.......not just one or the other. It seems to create an invisible wall or glass ceiling that is extremely difficult to find your way around sometimes.
In fact.....as I am seeing it, there really is no way around it...you have to go through it and experience this yourself and that's really the only way.
So to say I understand.....means I've gone through it too..... and it was one of the most difficult and challenging things that any one person can ever possibly do. It's a personal journey of self discovery that you can only experience by doing it for yourself. What you learn from the journey is the actual experience and the process of going through it....not actually just going through the invisible wall at the end of the process.
That's the easiest part of it once you get there but it seems there are no short cuts....no magic cure or simple solution or way to make that any easier. By the time you've made it to the end of your personal journey and you are standing at the gate....all you need to do at that time is just to walk on through to the other side of it and then leave it behind you once and for all.
So to say I understand.....is to say that I've done it myself. I think it's the only way to be able to really understand.....but when you hear someone else describe what you've described .... I can tell from just from the description and don't need any further explanation on your part to know that you've done it.
Congratulations for climbing that mountain and reaching the top and a job well done! The view from up there is really breath taking isn't it! lol When you can see that far in every direction.....you're able to see everything as far as the eye can see and it's a beautiful thing to witness. Before you reached that Mt. Top however....there always seems to be something standing in your way and obscuring your view.
The only way I can describe this.....is a personal journey and no one can do this journey for you and you just have to go it alone before you will make this discovery. The rewards however.....are countless and eternal.
A dear friends mother told me a very long time ago.....her secret of success in staying married and being happy in this simple piece of advise.....
"If it feels like you are giving more into your marriage than your spouse.....chances are, you're giving just barely enough. If you can always remind yourself of that anytime you start to feel things are unfair.....you'll do Okay and make it together."
I think my friends mother....was a wise woman and she is absolutely right. I've discovered that same secret by climbing that mountain myself. It's the power of positive thinking that allows you to do this.
I keep repeating the same advise to people on this forum in the way to get to the top of that mountain by saying Be the Ball.....
You said.. "I live my life the same way as I would if I didn't have a husband. If I want my life to be a certain way, I feel it's up to me to make it happen. It's not up to other people to live by our own personal standards, everyone has the right to live life their own way."
To you I say......You Are The Ball No further need for explanation. I kneel before you....and raise my glass to you!
A parting gift and a song to remind you of your journey and a keep sake to always remember it by.......I wish you well and commend you on a job well done;)
If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine
And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung
Would you hear my voice come through the music
Would you hold it near as it were your own?
It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken
Perhaps they're better left unsung
I don't know, don't really care
Let there be songs to fill the air
Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow
Reach out your hand if your cup be empty
If your cup is full may it be again
Let it be known there is a fountain
That was not made by the hands of men
There is a road, no simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone
Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow
(Jerry Garcia, Robert Hunter)
Hi JJamieson c:
Submitted by Island-Girl23 on
Thanks so much for your beautifully written words and for sharing those song lyrics with me as well. "In fact.....as I am seeing it, there really is no way around it...you have to go through it and experience this yourself and that's really the only way." <- Absolute truth! Since it's all about self-discovery and digging deeper and deeper within ourselves to find the answers - I wasn't sure that I should have even bothered to share my own personal experience here on the forum at all. One cannot simply tell another, HERE, HERE IS THE ANSWER, JUST DO THIS!!! And viola, all is well. No, everyone's journey is different and we all have to discover for ourselves whatever it is that we need to discover. Trial and error, learning from our mistakes, learning from our life experiences, and from our experiences with others, and so on. So I'm not sure that there's anything I can say that will actually be of help to anyone else but I'm happy to share anyway. Anywhoo, thanks again J. Your words are very much appreciated.
Ig123....You Have Helped Very Much
Submitted by kellyj on
If you've even tried wading through any of my posts....I been trying to say things at times that are almost impossible for anyone to relate with unless they've had some kind of experience that they recognize as I did with you. Much of what I've been trying to do here...is just find the words to express these things in a way to do that and mostly as you said....it's just trial and error and I have no idea if it means anything to anyone else? Really? lol But my heart is always in the right place and my goal is only to help. This we share in common.
If no one else here agrees or not.....what you shared is an inspiration to me and I hope that came through in my words. Thank you.
Submitted by Delphine on
You are putting into practice a number of concepts I've shared on this board. One of which is: "Get everyone else out of the equation."
Your joy factor will remain constant as you are continually refining your ideas of what you want, and that's why it is so important for you to get everybody else out of the equation. They've got their own game going on; they don't understand your game. Give them a break; stop asking them what they think. Start paying attention to how you feel. Joy will be yours immediately, and everything else that you have ever thought would make you happy, will start flowing, seemingly effortlessly, into your experience. - Abraham-Hicks
Your approach is also much in synch with what Dr. Richard Carlson talks about in his books, notably "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff (And It's All Small Stuff)".
I'm curious about something though. Does your spouse (or did he) have anger issues, which are so common with ADHD? If so, how do you cope with that? Or, how would you, if he did?
Inspiring post, thanks for sharing!
Submitted by Island-Girl23 on
Thanks so much for your kind words and for telling me about Dr. Carlson & his book. I wish I would have read it prior to writing this because I found all of this difficult to explain and I really don't feel like I explained well at all. I'm not a writer or a guru or a doctor - I'm just an "ordinary" gal. While all this stuff makes sense to me in my own head...I have trouble finding the words to explain it to others, but I give myself a pat on the back for trying lol. I'm sure you've done a much better job at explaining these sorts of things, though, so I can not wait to read through your posts.
I loveeee the quote you shared and it resonates with me, for sure! So funny to me how the title of the book is "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff (And It's All Small Stuff)" because that's sort of one of the other concepts I aim to live by as well --> "There's no such thing as a big deal."<-- I think you know what I mean by that c; so I won't bother to explain, lol.
Yes, I would say that my husband had anger issues and IMO he still does to a certain extent. I would say that the MOST difficult thing for me to work through in all this was his constant COMPLAINING. He did have outbursts and would get heated relatively quickly about the smallest things (ex. lost keys that ended up being in the pocket of the pants he was STILL wearing). How I managed to deal with it was, I'd tell him how I felt in the moment as soon as I noticed my mood going down (without actually explaining what he was doing to upset me) and then I'd leave the area and I'd go tend to myself to help me relax. I'd just do something small to make myself feel better.
For example, "I'm sorry but I can't handle this right now, I'm feeling really annoyed." Then I'd leave the area, take a shower, go for a walk, read a book - ANYTHING to get my mind off of him and whatever was bothering me (while keeping in mind that "It's no big deal.") Once I felt better I would come back around and treat him as if nothing had happened, all is well. Talk to him as normal, joke with him, hugs and kisses - all of that. If he apologizes to me whenever I come back around, I simply accept it and brush it off like it was "no big deal". "Oh yeah, that's okay, don't worry about it."
Island-Girl23, I re-read your
Submitted by Delphine on
Island-Girl23, I re-read your posts here and I could not find anything that was unclear. On the contrary, to me, you are wonderfully clear in explaining the changes you have made, and your examples make it even clearer. As well as the sources I mentioned, your approach is much in sync with Melissa Orlov, who has said that when we are being the best we can be, our partner follows suit. And it certainly looks like that happened with you and your husband!
I myself have codependent tendencies I am working on, and I'm realizing the same as you, that my focus needs to be on myself, on what fulfills and makes ME happy. I don't have a partner or SO at this time, but my son has ADHD and I've spent way too much time worrying about/focusing on him. It doesn't help anything or anyone. Time for me to help myself!
Your account of how you deal with your husband's emotional lability is also very helpful. As far as I'm concerned, you are a role model for how to relate to an ADHD partner, or any partner for that matter. I'm especially impressed by your ability to quickly let go of a difficulty and move past it. "No such thing as a big deal." Right on! <G>
And on that note, here is the pdf of Carlson's book, though I highly recommend getting a hard copy. It is one of those must-haves, IMO! https://sushantdhamecha.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/dont-sweat-the-small...
I am sure you would enjoy looking further into Abraham-Hicks, as well. Some quotes:
I confess I'm still feeling a bit gobsmacked by your posts because I think you are one of the most tuned-in people I've "met." <G> Post on, IslandGirl!
Submitted by Island-Girl23 on
I will check out those links ASAP. Thanks so much. You are a sweetheart.
Hi IG-23....You explained it well...
Submitted by c ur self on
My marriage has improved drastically since I've gotten my focus on my own happiness, my own emotions, and my own living of life....."Acceptance instead of Expectations". At the end of the day everyone just wants to be loved....
Your love is changing your husband....It is bringing awareness to him. When the threat disappeared he was able to start seeing:) The word threat here just means everything that is opposite of love and acceptance....
Blessing and thanks for sharing....
Submitted by Island-Girl23 on
Ahh, I'm so happy to hear that your self-focus has also been working well for you in your marriage and on your own personal journey, C. c:
"When the threat disappeared he was able to start seeing:)" <- For sure, I noticed a difference in him as soon as I decided to keep BOTH feet in my marriage, instead of having one foot in and one out. Love and acceptance, love and acceptance, that's all we're looking for - so true. Thanks so much & blessings to you as well.
Thanks Again IG23!
Submitted by LateDiagnosis on
I hadn't been on here in quite some time, and I was glad to see you have written your 3rd installment!
I am am really needing to red these words this week. Things have been really rough lately at home. For starters, I have decided that my current career is not what I'm destined to do. What am I destined for? Who knows, but it isn't this. My wife (the non-ADHD partner for those that don't know), whole-heartedly agrees that I'm not in the best situation work-wise, but isn't really helpful with the discovering a new avenue. I don't blame her for that, as it is ME who must be happy in my job, however, I feel like she's just wanting me to take the first thing coming because it pays the same or better. She has sent me countless jobs that she has found, but if I'm going to start a new career at 40, then I'm gonna want to be happy in it, as the likelihood of my being able to change again is getting harder. This is causing her to biome angry and annoyed that I am "doing nothing" because I'm not applying for jobs that would leave me in the same state of mind emotionally.
Shes gone as far as giving me a timeframe that I must step up and lead this family or she's gone...with the kiddo. She knows that infuriates me, so she uses it as a "motivation" to get results. I'm trying to focus on my happiness. I'm trying to focus on what God needs me to do. I'm trying to serve myself without being selfish.all of which she says I need to do. She too says she needs to work on her happiness, and live her life. I'm cool with that, but when I do something that she doesn't like, I'm not thinking about the family. She can do the same thing though and she's perfectly justified because she isn't causing turmoil when she does it.
Im getting lost. I'm getting frustrated. I'm getting scared that my family will leave, all because I don't give in. My feelings aren't valid. My thoughts have no merit. I'm told this every time I try to have a conversation with her. I'm told to "grow a pair" and "be a man," so I stand up for myself, and be the "man"...only for her to not like that I stand up and challenge her, and I'm back at square one.
too many things I want to add, but I don't want to hijack, nor do I want to dredge through it right now. Thank you again for your words. For your insight. For you understanding of what it is like to be possessed by this evil. Keep up the good fight!
No problem LD c:
Submitted by Island-Girl23 on
Eek! I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles, my friend. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers during this trying time. Despite your fears, LD, please do your best to remain strong. Feel free to share whenever or if ever you feel like it - no worries about hijacking! We're all in the good fight together. Hang in there, bud. c:
Submitted by LateDiagnosis on
Things have escalated. She is wanting to move out. She says there are absolutely no feelings anymore. She actually took down any picture in common area of the house that we are both in...engagement, wedding, family...all of them. I was told that I don't deserve to live. I'm devastated, but am doing all I can to keep my head up. Trying to focus on my walk with God in order to be the best I can be without regard for her tantrums. I have ADHD and it sucks. I am working toward fixing what I can, regardless if she agrees or sees it. I will not give up on my marriage, but I will not be treated as though I am the only reason there are problems. I beg for communication so we can discuss, and am told, "no." I'm at a loss, and cannot take this. I almost want her to leave so that I don't have to be drug through this anymore, but I DO NOT believe in divorce. Her parents, who don't know everything going on, have said they see that I am acting in a way that is in line with their expectations for me concerning their daughter and granddaughter, which gives me hope that she is just not wanting to see, because I did it my way, not hers. It's just breaking my heart to hear my nearly 3yr old daughter say, "daddy, are you mad at mommy." Even if I'm not, she asks me that daily. She always follows up with, "mommy's mad a daddy." She's super smart, and I know most her age wouldn't be able to even notice, but my goodness, how am I supposed to react to that. Anyway, I've rambled. Thanks for listening.
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
I'm the non Adhd wife of a man who has it. This is not going to be dumping on ADHD. I love my husband.
I've been thinking for days about what either in the couple can do, if one of the couple no-shows, and keeps no-showing. Denies. Refuses to deal with. Rationalizes not doing anything different. Rationalizes that they and only they are the Special Girl or Boy, to whom the laws of cause and effect dont apply. Only they are the innocent victim. There are a lot of ways to no show. Either someone with ADHD or without it can no-show.
And then you wrote about just that thing: you want to learn, share and work on your marriage She's not going to...at least at this time. No show. What a heartbreaker.
What to do, if your partner refuses to talk, refuses to try to do things different?
about your situation, in particular, as you describe it. You're committed, as a Christian, to marriage, to remaining in it, and doing all you can with God's help, to make your marriage work. Well, friend, even God doesnt make us want Him, or make us choose this or that. He gave us choice, Nobody can take that away from any of us. So your love and desire to work on your marriage is not going to make your wife do this or that. She will make her choices. You'll make yours
But the thing about no shows, which is a certain kind of choice: people who choose not come out of themselves into the hard work and risks of real friendship in marriage, is that their hiding, rationalizing, denial, avoiding ultimately doesnt rule the roost. your wife, and any other no show, cant ultimately control anyone other than herself, and even putting her will into saying no, cant ultimately delay or avoid her consequences, no matter what she does.in her mind. Eventually there's catch up.
eventually life will go on, despite their denial, avoidance, refusing to talk, refusing to listen. They'll get consequences for their no show actions.
It's not your job to bring about consequences or, to make her choose against her will, or make her deal with her consequences. Or protect her from her consequences. Leave that to the natural working out of the result of her choices, and to God, if she is in an interlude of keeping herself distant. It's a very sad thing to want to work on better with a partner, but the partner will not, for whatever reasons.
The only thing left to do is your best, take the high road, do the hard thing of being a growing person in less than easy conditions, with not much comfort and no praise, when you do better. Just keep going toward better. Pray. You can still do things for the good of the household, for the good of her, but if she's distant you'll need to do them because its the right thing to do, not so that you can get what you want from her.
In my opinion, the best that you can do for someone who is refusing and avoiding you in relation is leave their decisions and actions to them and to God...lol and not try to tell God what to do or think about her. That's His business. : )
And keep going working on changing your self and your chosen actions for the better. That she refuses to deal with it shouldnt control what you do to work on being a better person.
You can still go on telling the truth, avoiding sticking it to her or trying to make her feel bad with your words. You can still work on taking action for her wellbeing. As you say you're doing, and I respect you for it, you can continue to better yourself, learn better and do it differently and better. It's a hard road to do that in a relation in which one partner is not coming to the table or is playing a game of hiding or self deception. But there are people, both NonADHD and ADHD on this site who are tackling exactly what you're doing, going to b the best person they can be, while yoked with a spouse who denies, or hides, or plays hard to keep the person from tackling change. I think that if you hunt them up on the site how they tackle going after better may give you an angle on your own campaign to keep growing yourself.
My best to you.
Now - this hit home for me,
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Now - this hit home for me, I know it wasnt directed to me, but DANG.... right in the sweet spot.
My husband is a "no-show". He is the one who says "I will be there for you" and then isnt. When my mom was dying, he said he was there for me.... but he wasnt, and in fact - decided to tell me right after that he wanted to leave me. Again. He is the opposite of supportive, the opposite of being there for me and letting me rest in the comfort of knowing he is truly there. I love him very much - but I have learned the hard way that even when he SAYS he is going to "show up".... he isn't because showing up in a relationship sometimes is hard. I have it burned like a brand on my heart that I cannot trust or have faith that my husband will be there for me when I need him. Just SAYING you will be there doesnt mean jack shit. Being there means sticking it out, not running away from the rain, sheltering the one you love when they need it. My husband runs for cover, and doesnt care if I get left behind or knocked over in the process. He cares about him. Period.
My husband is the quintessential "sunny day friend" - he wont bet there when times get tough - oh he says he will be there all right, but talk is talk and action is action.... He tells me he is here for me, but the moment I reach out to him - he falls apart and everything becomes about him. He isnt there in the hard times. He abandons me as soon as things MIGHT get hard.
Now - you are right. The only thing anyone can do is better them self. Make sure that you become the best you possible, and make sure YOU are the one who does show up to be counted.
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
rising like a phoenix
Hi Late D....
Submitted by c ur self on
Something caused your wife to turn so despondent....It may have nothing to do with you. And it may everything to do with you...You know, She know's and one other for sure!...When things are at this point constructive conversation usually isn't possible, and it is pretty much useless anyway....Words didn't cause it, and words want fix it... I love Now's advice to you, it's very kind and very wise.....
Just hold that 3 year old very tight, and tell her how much you love her, and how much mommy loves her, every chance you get....
You are a very good person
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
Thank you for this. I remember feeling like you, _____________ (Happy and content are words that come to mind). I think this is beautiful and that you must be a beautiful person.
I recently had the revelation that my husband has ADD and that we had a very classic ADD marriage. I am 38 and was NEVER an angry person before and I could not, for the life of me, figure out what was happening.
I am going to read your posts a few times, so that they sink in. I hope they sink in. I hope to be this content again in my life, but I am still mourning, still grieving for the loss of a dream of having a traditional family for my 16 year old daughter who I raised all alone. And am still raising alone. Despite being married three year ago.
I remember a few years go, I asked my husband to help with my daughter when I was away in a conference in Europe. It was for five days, three were school days, and the day I arrive home was to be my birthday. We thought we might go out for a low key dinner but left things open because I might be jet lagged (never a good idea with my husband, if it isn't written in stone on his calendar, the chance that he will show up is about 10%). I texted with my daughter on Facebook a couple of times when I was in Europe... she spend Wednesday and Thursday night by herself, and she was late for two out of the three days of school. I was pissed. That was when I was hit with the news that he received last minute acceptance to go on some ropes course and was dropping my daughter off at his sons house and taking off for the weekend, and he wouldn't be home for my birthday. I was devastated. Heart broken. Completely destroyed. I have never asked my husband to look after my daughter again. My mother flies from a city that is a 10 hour drive away to spend the time with my daughter. It is one of many stories like that over the last three years.
I agree. The overwhelming negativity and anger and loss has made me a person I don't want to be. It does not allow me to see the good things he has done for me and the good things that he is to me. I will swear with every bit of my heart that I love my husband and I want to be with him, but it is so incredibly hard. And lonely, and ... well, hard.
I remember being happy as a single parent. My husband is away this week and since May I have been okay with him being away and have been filling up my own life again. So I think I can be happy again. But I need to ramp down my razor sharp reflexes to correct, reorient, explain, direct, etc. his every move.
His one daughter attempted to kill herself. He wanted to know what to do. I suggested that he put an alarm in his phone once a week to call his daughter. What ended up happening is that I put an alarm in my phone for him to call his daughter once a week. And I reminded him every week, and he pretty consistently followed through. And one day he pissed me off phenomenally and I took that alarm off my phone. And he stopped calling her, and she stopped speaking to him for a long time.
I don't know why I am telling these stories. I just think some of you might understand. And I want to be a good and loving spouse. And I am hoping someone will help me a little along the way. Thank you for listening (reading) and again. I think this post is brilliant and I think you are someone I will strive to be like.