I thought I could help my husband be someone better than he was. I thought that was being supportive. And I thought he would appreciate that. He may have even asked me to help him do that. Now I think he hates me for trying to do that. I would hate it if someone put their focus on me, to better me. The fact is....he gets to be who he is and who he wants to be. I get to be who I am and who I want to be. I have stopped trying to help him be different. It might mean we have nothing left....but I must stop focusing on him and get on with a life that I can be proud of myself. I wanted to be a WE but I am really only an I. I wanted to be a team but I must stop trying so hard to make my partner be the team partner I thought I needed him to be. It means I have to shift my focus and put my attention on other things other than him. It means I must make a painful hole where the relationship was (in my own fantasy and goals) in order to let in room for real opportunities where I can fill my heart and soul with love and joy rather than disappointment and resentment.
I have been one to look to others for validation and direction in many areas of my life. I am taking baby steps to trust my own value and strength. I am me.... Now that I am grown up, I am not just a husband's wife, a parent's daughter, a child's mother, a sister's sister. God will not condemn me to hell for having a will and mind of my own, being what I was created to be. It is my destiny and life challenge to live using all my abilities, passion, feelings and power - free of anyone else's preferences for me. I don't have to play the perfect model of what I think (guessing their thoughts) others would like me to be. Now I get to know and feel who I want to be outside of the chains I put on my own self.
I strive, no I permit my self, to live and put my attention more in the present moment (where life happens) and less in the past and future - permitting myself to stop my bad habit of focusing on regrets and fears and creating more moments of bliss and gratitude. That is probably what lured me to my husband in the early days...he permitted me to step out of my goal-orientated, careful world and made moments for me to laugh and enjoy a light-hearted silliness - somehow I wrongly interpreted his permission as love.
Now I get to learn how to quench my own desire for joy and love in more beneficial, adult ways, not expecting others to do the job for me. I don't need someone else's permission to be happy and light. I don't need someone to "set the scene" for me to take time to enjoy life. I can set up my own enjoyable environments and permit myself to take a break from the heavy load of responsibilities I have created for myself. I can make it a good habit to take responsibility for my well-being upon my own self.
Maybe giving permission to laugh and enjoy is a form of love.