My problem, or his?

I'm new here. Well, new to posting anything here, but today has just been so miserable that I had to put it all somewhere, and I hope you'll all be gracious enough to allow me the vent. My other half is eight years younger than me, and was diagnosed with ADHD and depression as a child. His mother died when he was young, and his father refused to get treatment for his problems, insisting that he was making it all up for attention and because he was lazy. I know he still suffers terribly from ADHD, and he's acknowledged it himself many times. The problem, I suppose, is that I don't like who I'm becoming.

I've turned into a nagging, resentful and miserable person, and I hate it. I ask for him to do things a million times and nothing is done, or I have to blow up and cause a giant fight for it to get done, which I then feel awful for and spend a day apologizing. I'm resentful of the times that he's been violent towards me (years ago, before he gave up drinking, not an excuse I know, but it is what it is) and I'm resentful of his use of cannabis which he says is the only thing that helps him deal with his hyperactivity. I've seen him cannabis-free, the hyperactivity is vast and incredibly difficult for us both, but surely there's another way?  I'm miserable that I never get to say anything that he doesn't like, make a point without being talked all over, get any of his attention without having to force it, and get blamed for anything and everything in giant stampeding shouting marathons that I'm apparently supposed to just sit and take without speaking.

I'm making him sound like the worst person on the planet, and he isn't. He's a wonderful guy, my best friend, and I love him unconditionally and will support him in any way that I possibly can. He's attempting to get himself off the cannabis, and to be frank, some days I really just want to shove a joint in his mouth and tell him to shut up, it's HARD. I hate this, and as sickened as I am by thinking it, sometimes I really don't think I can take another minute of this instability. How do I approach asking him to get professional help? I've tried before, but it ends up in a days-long fight or worse, a weeks-long depression. Everything I say he seems to take the wrong way, sometimes to such a degree that I can't help but think he's doing it on purpose. I've never known anyone so overly-sensitive in my life. I've no intention of leaving him, I love him too much, and I believe completely that he loves me, but I'm so lacking in energy and motivation to keep fighting, when do I get to take care of me? It feels like all I ever do is Care and Understand and Accept and Adapt.  Does anyone have any advice?

I am so sorry that you had to

I am so sorry that you had to wait a week for a reply. I understand you even though I am your "other half". I am the one diagnosed in my relationship.

This is no ones fault. Trying to find the blame for something is a waste of time, it's something we did as children as finding out who was to blame would prove our innocence.
The problem belongs to your both.

He acts out when you suggest professional help, is that correct? How have you laid it out to him? It's no doubt that your man is scarred because of his diagnosis. His father has been an awful support and throughout his life he has been told that ADHD is not an excuse, his way of being (that he can't control) is wrong and lazy and he needs to stop crying like a baby and shape up. That is tough for a kid to hear. And you are shaped from your childhood, this is now engraved in his spine.

It is not good that he is treating himself with cannabis. It is proven effective but it's also illegal and called a drug for a reason. This is a good guy, he's a good man that's why you chose him, he is not stupid. You should sit him down when the mood is right. After you have eaten is a good timing for most people, when you are well rested and perhaps a weekend when the stress is lower. Say you want to help him get a proper grip of life, cause you think it's unfair that he has to suffer. Tell him that you need him to stop with cannabis as a favor to you as it is a drug and you don't want to be a part of that. He will understand that. But tell him that you don't want to just pull the rug from in under his feet. The medication help he can get from a professional with help him the same way as his joints. ADHD stimulants usually have the same chemical structure as amphetamine for example. Except this is legal, cheaper and not addictive. Then ask him how he would feel about that?


 

I am just like your husband

Thank you for posting, you just gave me the guts to speak about this. Didn't know how well it would go over. Anyway, I am very similar to your husband: recovering alcoholic (sober for five years) and my wife and kids have told me and therapists that I am "a good dad and husband"... I also use cannabis. I smoke because after 20 years of hell and two marriages later, I had given up on meds and docs. I had to beg to be treated as an adult to begin with! When I have found docs that will treat, none of the drugs vyvanse, adderall, concerta wellbutrin, klonopin(which is extremely addicting), lamictal, lithium, and numerous other drugs, I continued to suffer and so did my family. I decided I would do anything, so I remembered that when I smoked pot in college I would perform better in class, better in exams, and was better at networking and social life. Needless to say as you "grow up, you turn away from pot to liquor. That went nowhere. Cannabis does it for me too. I have severe symptoms some of which are co occurring diagnoses. My wife Also does not approve of my use. But agrees that I act "Normal when I smoke". I feel you and your husbands pain, andi I don't think there is an easy answer, because of the illegality of it ( which by the way is luducris). My wife also has ADHD and I think is jealous that it helps me without having all the side effects ( I lost 70 lbs on stims). My advice is to try and discuss it rationally. Scientifically, and politically we are nearing a medical marijuana model, so I see your husbands point, but I also see your point because you don't want your husband or you to get in trouble for the weed. Maybe our discussion of this will spark sow debate or something. I'll be thinking and praying ( ca you say that here?) for you...

So you have other disorders

So you have other disorders in addition to ADHD?

Did you try any of the non-stimulant drugs? (straterra, intuiv (SP?))

What were the negative effects of the stimulant medications (assuming by your post they weren't positive)?

Sherri