My story. White HOT anger

Well I read many stories on this website only to be reminded of my own. I am 24, married for a little over two years to my husband. We have a beautiful 10 month old daughter together. After months of for myself, and depression diagnosis, from post partum to possible mild bipolar disorder. It just dawned on me today, that the only person in which i have deep white hot anger for is my husband!!!

Which makes me very sad. We are currently in marriage counseling, but the same thing keeps happening over and over. A little back ground info on my husband, he's 26 in the military has been for almost 8 yrs. So he doesn't seem to have issues holding down a job, or maybe its just the discipline of the military which is beneficial. I know he was diagnosed as ADHD as a small child and his mother has told me he at one point was medicated but stopped taking the medication due to he didn't like how it made him feel. His mother also expressed he had issues telling the truth as a child,stealing etc; she tried her hardest to correct him. FYI my husband is adopted so as far as family history I have no clue :(

Well fast forward to 2013, after the birth of my daughter the s*** has really started to hit the fan. This past summer i found out while i was on vacation visiting my familly, he took out a line of credit in my name with out my consent. Bought a whole bunch of crap he didn't need, a sports jersey he wanted, new iphone. I was furious. We currently live in new england and after that i packed up all of my belongings and daughter and went home to stay with my parents for a month. After a month, i decided to come back to try and work on things for the sake of our daughter.

Well this month, i find out he has been filing false fraud accusations to the bank. We have a joint account/his checking and had been doing so recently with my log in info online. Basically leaving me with looking bad and no way to prove i didn't do it, so i look like a wonderful person to the bank im sure. However he had done stunts like this prior to marrying me, that i had no idea about, so i think the bank is well aware.

I just feel completely numb. I've tried talking with him but it all just seems hopeless. I am tired of all the lies, and agreeing to do something just to appease me, only to later come up with some BS as to why he can't keep his word. Frankly I'm sick of it!!! Since he is in the military, he is afraid to let them know of his childhood ADHD, as it is disqualifying. Which I understand, but without honesty & his impulses out of control, I will end up filing for divorce if he doesn't seek serious help.

The sad part is i got confirmation from the bank that he in fact did submit false fraud reports under my access number, i ask him about it and he says he honestly doesn't remember? He admits to doing the act but has no recall of doing so with my log in.

Which is completely unacceptable to me. He is going to ruin me financially. I understand his career is important, but at the same time the military will find out about all of this when he is up for security clearances in a few yrs. I just don't get it, would'nt you want to try and save your family? He will end up divorced, and jobless. 

I now have anger issues, not entirely thanks to my husband but mostly. He has a lot of good qualities, good father, very likeable guy. I just can't get past how it is OK in his mind to act like this. He always says this is the last time, or it won't happen again and it's as if he has no control.

...

What a nightmare, I'm so sorry. I think you need to draw some firm boundaries, force him to clean up the mess he made, and make some clear consequences for what will happen if he does not get help for his problems. You do not deserve this behavior and if he can't treat you with respect (let alone stop ruining your finances and breaking the law), he should not be in you or your daughter's lives. My heart goes out to you. 

Very hurt

Very hurt.  I am 110% convinced it is his adhd. The past few days I have had practically nothing to say. I am not mean towards him, just indifferent. The love I have for him erodes more and more each day. Tonight while laying in bed he started silently crying a little. He knows I don't want to touch him, much less even hug or be around him right now. I simply haven't had anything to say. I know he loves me but ultimately he will get a psych eval on base with me present or I'm filing for divorce. Even then it sucks because he can't take medication for it without being medically discharged. I have no idea what to expect. We go for marriage counseling this Thursday & I will again mention all of this. I'm trying for the sake of my daughter & I do very much love this man but I can't go on like this. It's terribly sad, if you met my husband you'd instantly fall in love with him. He'd do anything for anyone, funny, playful, sweet, caring... 

yes

I know. Mine is the same way, a bright light and a glowing fire to keep warm by... until he does something crushing. 

ADHD plus something else

This behavior doesn't sound like garden variety ADHD.  I'm guessing he has a co-occuring disorder, as well.  I know that sometimes people in the military are slow to want to get evaluations, but if there is a way for him to get a full diagnosis, that would probably be helpful.  At least the two of you would know what you are dealing with.  In the meantime, you would be well served to separate out your finances.  While you are still married you will still be responsible, ultimately, for debt that he might incur, but at least he won't be able to use your passwords and account to file false claims and the like.

It scares me to think of

It scares me to think of other possibilities. I don't want to consider this man could possibly be a psychopath (which if that were the case, my whole relationship would have been a lie, as they don't "love") or I don't want to consider he could possibly have anti social personality disorder, no cure & basically same outcome. I am afraid of what it could be. Maybe ADHD & addiction? All of these issues seem to revolve around money. The impulses, lying....as for finances I am starting to separate them. I've opened an account at a separate bank. Sigh my husband can be so loving and caring. It would be too painful for me to accept that it has all been a lie. I am so confused :( I feel I'll be in therapy for yrs to get past this if we divorce. I thought I had finally found my Prince Charming, I still want to believe there is hope. Help.

My husband appears to be very

My husband appears to be very loving, kind and all in all if you met him you'd instantly like him. He is very good with people. I just don't understand this behavior & what causes it. All I ever wanted in marriage was honesty & someone to respect me in which I respect them. Everytime I think things are  finally "Better" something else surfaces. Mind you I have an explosive temper & I am not the perfect wife by any means. I also have anxiety & when he does these things, it's difficult for me to be around him. I feel so betrayed & I can be extremely nasty towards him. He's agreed to he psych eval and we have our marriage counseling appointment tomorrow. I'm praying, but friends and family are concerned for me. They think I should just move forward with my life. I'm just so afraid, it's extremely difficult when you love someone so deeply... It will absolutely break me if I find out I was just the victim of some sick psychopath. I really do believe he does love though. He seems to be a very loving and caring father.  Ultimately as a navy wife, I have no where to go at the moment. My family is 12 hrs away & I am unemployed and refuse to leave empty handed & have my parents pay for everything. Mind you my husband has never been violent or hurt me in any way.

Not about you!

Navywife,

I went through a bout of clinical depression last year (2 major surgeries, friends moved away, sister moved away, 2 break-ups with ADHD ex-boyfriend, put cat to sleep - it was a perfect storm really).  At the time I said very similar things to what you've written here, and my friend said, "That's the depression talking."  I couldn't see it at the time, but a year later I look back from a healthy place and know she was right.

Saying it will absolutely break you if you find out you're just a victim and he doesn't love you is something I've heard myself say in the past.  But that isn't love and it's not healthy for you.  So what if he doesn't love you?  You are obviously a strong, caring woman whose only "crime" is giving your heart to someone who isn't treating you very well right now.  I bet if your best friend was saying the things you've written her, you'd tell her how great she is, she deserves more, and she should leave.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself those things.  YOU are great, deserve more, and should take care of yourself however you have to!

None of this is your fault.  Your husband is lying, breaking the law, and putting you and your daughter in danger of financial ruin.  He may not be doing it on purpose, and most likely has no intention of hurting you, but he is and will continue to do so without help.  My ex has been lying and making bad financial decisions since he was a kid.  He's 43 now.  No change.  I love him very much, but love can't fix these problems.  If he took the steps to start getting treatment, I'd be there in a second to support him and love him, but I can't make him do that.  

You have to take care of yourself.  Your daughter needs you.  You are young and have an amazing life ahead of you - I highly recommend getting treatment for depression since you've already been diagnosed.  You can't make healthy decisions for yourself until you are feeling less depressed.  It sounds like your family and friends love you a lot, and I bet your parents would take you and their granddaughter in with them in a second.  Don't let pride of not wanting them to have to support you for awhile keep you from making that decision.  

My friend stayed with her husband for 10 years.  He was stealing, lying, cheating on her, opened credit accounts in her name, etc.  She said the exact same thing you just did - at least he's not violent or hitting me.  But by the time she finally moved out she weighed 80 pounds, her hair was falling out, she shook all the time, and she was THOUSANDS of dollars in debt from the accounts he opened in her name.  She had to work for years to pay off his debt, gave up her dream of law school because she couldn't afford it, and has never really been able to have a stable relationship since because she just doesn't trust men.  PLEASE, PLEASE don't let your husband affect your life this way!!!!

As I said, if he is willing to get treatment and work on changing his behaviors, I'm the first person to jump up and down and encourage you to stay and support him.  Loving someone is not always easy, but it's totally worth it if they are committed to making life better.  But if he's not willing, you will spend your whole life wishing things were different.  Only you can decide when you've had enough.