I am having a tough time and I am looking for a place to vent my frustrations a bit--hopefully this is the right spot!
When I was a kid I was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and ADHD. Having multiple diagnosis, I never really understood where one disorder ended and the other began, and I never knew exactly how my ADHD effected my life. Then, a couple of months ago, I began relationship counseling with my girlfriend of nearly four years. We had been having a really hard time, growing more and more distant by the day. I felt like I was being constantly nagged and screamed at, and she felt that I wasn't listening. So, in December, I brought up the idea of seeing a therapist, and we began making regular visits. I couldn't handle the constant battling--I needed stability. For some, 'stability' may sound like a funny thing for a person with ADHD to desire, but I can assure that we need it every bit as much as those who are lucky enough to not have ADHD: I want to know that I am loved and share my love with another person; I want to know that I have a person I can go home to every day; I don't want to have to worry about splitting up, or losing someone. So, I was excited to go to a therapist. I wanted to bring in a stability that I was longing for.
Unfortunately, I think the therapy came too late. We met with our psychologist (who specializes in couples counseling with an ADHD partner) earlier this week for our 4th session. After some initial progress, we had had a few awful weeks and during our meeting the psychologist asked my girlfriend if she wanted me to "give up trying to work on things in our relationship." She took a couple minutes and said she thought it would be easier if we just gave up, though admittedly, she had difficulty saying conclusively that she wanted our relationship to end. Still, I felt devastated. We had spent the previous 50 minutes discussing new methods of solving our problems, and I was excited to give it a shot, and seeing her waver and so ready to throw in the towel entirely deflated me. I tried to tell her how I felt in the car on the way home, but she was beyond frustrated, and things erupted. When we arrived at our apartment, things went from bad to worse. She had gone to her car, with the intention (I had hoped), of leaving for a bit to cool off, but she came back with a couple of papers that I had left in the backseat. She put it in front of me and said “Even right after counseling you don’t clean up after yourself.” Then, we proceeded to get into the biggest fight we have ever had. As I dodged a flurry of arms and legs, she told me she hated me and kicked me out.
I feel like a child. I don't have my own apartment. I graduated from university last year and I have been unable to get a job. My girlfriend, a nurse, had been paying the rent. This had been a major point of friction for us. I always felt guilty that I couldn't help out with money, and felt homeless in a way, like I was living in a house that was not my own. Now I am living with my parents. I am twenty six years old, and I feel like I am five. To make it worse, I have zero friends. There are no people in my life that I am close with. I have always avoided friendships, as I feel anxious around people much of the time and am honestly afraid of having friends. My girlfriend had been my whole social life. Still, thinking about making friends gives me a miniature heart attack. So, this forum will have to do for now.
I still don't know how much of me is ADHD and where I start. I don't know who I am. Without ADHD, what is left? Although I have had ADHD for my whole life, I really don't know a lot and I am just starting to learn. It has taken a while for me to get to this step. While we were going to therapy my girlfriend, who had been reading "The ADHD Effect on Marriage," would often tell me that she wasn't seeing any improvement and say that I wasn't doing anything to fix my behavior and educate myself. Things, in general, seem to move in slow motion for me and it takes me a while to process new information. I am really scared that I will never be able to have a successful relationship. I am feeling like I am destined to be a child-like figure in any relationship I may pursue. I don't want to be a child anymore, but I don't really know what to do. I can't afford to continue seeing the psychologist on my own, so right now all I have are these forums. Hopefully, my words find good company.