Okay, I may come across as the most petty person on the planet and if so, feel free to call me out on this but it has bothered me for a long long time. If you have read any of my posts here you know I have been married for 23 years to an unmedicated ADHD man and we have a 19 year old son and a 17 year old son. DH has been unemployed many times, in fact his last three jobs only lasted three years each. He has a high school diploma only and went into the Air Force where he only made it to Staff Sergeant. He is terrible with money, has no friends and no hobbies until literally this summer when he joined a softball team. And yet...both boys think he hung the moon. WHY?? I mean, I'm not stupid, he's the fun dad, the dad who never makes them do anything, the dad who literally stands there mute while they mouth off to me or back talk me or argue with me and I discipline them. It's always been that way--he is useless at follow through. For a while he was in charge of making sure the younger one got his homework done and I don't think he checked the school homework calendar one time. I would get home at night and they are watching TV but no homework has been done and I have to say TURN THE TV OFF AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK and DH will say Mom wants you to do your homework. So I am always the bad guy-ALWAYS. When will they be old enough or mature enough to figure out how irresponsible and immature he really is? Both of them have floated the idea of going into the military like he did and I LOSE my mind. Both these boys have IQs that there is no name for, they are that high and yes, I know that IQ is not the be all and end all of what a person is capable of. What I am saying is they have options-he went in because his family was dirt poor and he had no other options. And the military also screwed him up good--came home from combat with a healthy dose of PTSD and a very skewed view of himself. He has not been the same since he got back from this war. I will not sacrifice another family member to the service, especially since neither of them say they feel called to serve their country or anything like that. But I digress. I make all the appointments, manage the money, take care of paying for college, college applications, financial aid forms, signing for car loans, anything of substance--that's all me. I also work full time as the Assistant Principal of a private school. I serve on an interfaith council in our town. I participate in a book club, I go to opera, I take cooking classes, I give workshops at other churches and the Cathedral in Chicago. And when DH joined this softball team after literally doing nothing for years, the oldest child said to me, well-at least Dad is doing something-what do you do? Um...WHAT? How can they be so blind? I should add that oldest child is an ADHD person and youngest child is very likely Asperger's, so that is probably my answer.
I don't know what I expect anyone to say, it's just really hard to always be the bad guy and have them admire a loser.
I share your infuriation,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I share your infuriation, dvance. I wonder if your sons are looking at their dad as a role model and thinking, "Hey, I can have a good life: marry a woman who does everything, work when I want and where I want, be the fun parent, ...." The fact that one has ADHD and the other might have Asperger's makes that even more likely, given that those disorders tend to involve difficulties with reading emotional cues and seeing beneath the surface of situations.
-fun dad
Submitted by Libby on
-fun dad
-never makes them do anything
-allows disrespect of me
-useless at follow thru
-leaves me to carry the load of work in many areas of our lives
-has worked hard to make me look like the bad guy
-blames me and complains about me
Yup that is my life also. I also have son's that have some of the same problems their dad has. Mine are much older at 32, 30 and 26. The older one is beginning to see the light. He has distanced himself quite a bit. The other two are very defensive and make many excuses for their dad's behaviours. I often feel like I am in junior highschool trying hard to be noticed and to fit in within my own family. Dad is the main focus at all times. Deep down I think they are looking for a dad who has never really been there for them as a father.
Parent Child Blindness....
Submitted by c ur self on
My Dad abandoned by Mom with three boys, when we were about 4, 6, and 10.....Went his own way, done his own thing, and barely paid child support..(sporadically)...My Mom worked very hard (long hours, lined up sitters when needed, done all the cooking and cleaning, and taught us to cook and clean, and enforced it, if we forgot...lol)....to care for us...After doing all this for years alone...(She rarely dated, but meet a nice widowed man, who really cared for her) she asked us, what we thought about us having a step Father?
Do you know what we told her? We told her, we have a Dad!....Children worship their parents, they don't judge them, nor do they see or want to see anything bad.....It's real Love!....Will it change? Yes, their views will change someday as they mature and learn their own life lessons...But's lets pray that their love never does....Parent's aren't people to their children....Parent's do nothing wrong (unless we are making them mind :)...Children want let their minds see their parents in the light of human needs...
No, you aren't being petty...But immaturity, tender hearted love a child has for a parent, (regardless of the parents actions) among other things, want let them see what you see and experience...They can't feel your needs, and are probably ignorant to much of what you do without (and deal with) being married to their Dad....I hope your children and mine never experience it.....
c
The thing here is it is only
Submitted by Libby on
The thing here is it is only dad who is worshipped. Mom is seen as an inconvienence, a nag, a bother.
Of course Libby ;)
Submitted by c ur self on
Immaturity; always dislikes the actions of the one who is preparing them for the responsibilities they will face in the real world.......They will always be drawn to irresponsibility and frivolity, because it's fun, and seemingly the best choice, because it's without work and accountability....Someday, they will say...Thank you Lord for Mother!
c
Dvance, so sorry
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for how little recognition you get for all your dedication, work and love for your family. All of us here, I think know, to some degree how little praise and encouragement comes from family members with ADHD. My DH has rarely praised me for anything, even when I have told him it's important for my self esteem, to hear SOMETHING good that he likes or appreciates me for. It just doesn't come. And, then he gets dismayed if I don't continually acknowledge him. I don't understand it. I have read scads of things on ADHD and Asperger's, and it says they ARE capable of doing the things we need. (Within reason, of course) but so many still just don't, which is the part I don't understand.
I think if a "professional" sat DH down and told him, "You must do this and that", he would listen, and act, but not coming from me. Sometimes I think this is an oppositional defiance thing. Anyway, I think your sons will learn as they get older, but that doesn't ease your pain now. It's just really, really hard. I hear you.
Kids
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This is crazy-making, isn't it? Right now my daughter sees all that I do and thinks her dad is pretty lazy and uninvolved. I consider myself lucky she sees that and hope when she grows to the age of your boys, she will still see the situation clearly (she's 10). But on the flipside of that, I wonder why I am staying and showing her that it is okay for the wife to do 90% of everything while her husband sits on the couch glued to a computer. I have said it before in a post but it bears repeating that if she marries a man like her dad, I will be devastated and will blame myself because I stayed with this terrible example for a companion.
Her "normal" is parents that rarely interact and only do so when a household issue must be discussed. Parents that sleep apart. Parents that never lay a kind hand on the other's hand or shoulder. Rude remarks from dad. A detached father who refuses to hold a real job. A man who lives in a pile of junk and does the bare minimum to get by. When I write it down, I want to leave today.
And then I remember I would have to co-parent with this guy! Someone who forgets to turn the stove off, forgets that our child needs to eat, has never washed a piece of her clothing in his life, could not handle packing a lunch, has no clue about her homework and activities and who would ignore her completely when she was with him.
I am so angry at myself. Is my situation as impossible as I feel like it is? I have choices, sure... but they all look like pretty bad choices.
Ugh.
Thanks for letting me vent in response to your vent. I really hope in your case your boys will grow to see and appreciate everything you did and still do for them. They are teens so maybe lying around and joining softball looks pretty great to them. Adulthood will inevitably hit and I bet they will see how superhuman you really were.
I read a book I saw Melissa recommend in one of her old posts: "The Dance of Anger." You can borrow it free in online libraries. It talks about the "dance" we do with people and how we can't get them to change their steps, but when we change ours, they usually have to change theirs, too. There were strategies in there that might work with not only your husband, but with your boys, too. I know it always seems like us... the nons... doing all the work, but this was actually pretty helpful stuff.