After fight number... humm let's see, no I can't tell you because I have lost count it has been so frequent, my husband's final words to me were, "all I want you to do is read the book". So a trip to the book store and several online hours later here I am at Dr. Hallowell and Ms. Orlov's door, hoping and praying there is a light in this tunnel and that something is going to help me find the patience to deal and accept that my husband has this diagnosis.
Everyone on this site has already said what I feel; it is infuriating to be forgotton or overlooked by your spouse, it is exhausting to have to do everything by yourself to make-up for your partner's disease, and it is hurful to know that a person you love and care for feels negatively about themselves. I have nothing new to add to the complaint department. But I am wondering what resources are there for me. I am incredibly loving and tolerant and understanding (at least that is what I tell myself) but what I am not, at least yet, is patient. I am critical, I am judgemental, I am aggresive and I am demanding.
From what I have read it seems natural that my husband chose me to continue to fullfill the role of oppressor to his ADHD life that he has been playing everyday since he was born. In one of Dr. Hallowell's books he said something about the ADHD person will seek out a spouse similar to that of a bad fifth grade teacher. I can tell you that professionally I am a teacher, and I am a great one, but I know that many times, I will not extend to my husband the same respect and courtesy that I give to my students. Somehow I have in my head that because he is an adult and older that he should know better and do better. I know that if he could choose he would not choose to have ADHD, and to his credit, he was only diagnosed this year, he is 42 and he very willingly agreed to take meds for ADHD and depression. I give him a lot of credit for that, becasue I know it was a hard decision, but I still want more.
I want him to be more attentive to me, I want to feel cherished by him, I want to feel like he is my equal at home and willing to step up and do things to help run the house. And I want to not feel bitterly angry when he doesn't do the things I ask or need him to do. I want to be more patient with him, I want to know that things will get better as long as we are still comitted to making this work, but I want to know that he is going to do some of that work and it won't fall all to me. I need to knwo how to back off and trust him a little and allow him the opportunity to step it up.
So yes, I appreciate that there are books and manuals and magazines and talkshows devoted to ADHD, but what I really want is to find the manual about me.