It seems that my wife is always stressed. Whether it is because she takes too much on, has trouble planning her time, procrastinates, doesn't know when things she is doing are "good enough" or a combination of all of these (which I suspect), the fact is, she is always very stressed. I, on the other hand, am almost never stressed. I have arranged my life so that I have minimal stress. I know how to say no and set limits, and I am a very good judge of what I can accomplish in a given amount of time, know how to build in "cushions" for the unexpected, etc. Balance of work, church, getting together time, quality time with my wife, and down time is very important to me, and usually I am usually able to achieve it.
My issue is - my wife's stress is causing ME stress, and I'm not sure what to do about it. If I could just detach and let her be stressed, I would. That is very difficult, though, because she often yells when she is frustrated. Not at me necessarily, but she just yells. Just this second - she is doing something on her computer in the other room and something frustrated her and she yelled "This guy is an IDIOT!" I can't help but hear her when she does this, and it really bothers me to hear her yelling. I have asked her not to do it, and I'm pretty sure she is doing less of it, but she just can't seem to help herself and she still yells too much from my point of view.
Or she snaps at me when I say something to her, if I ask her what she is working on, or offer to help, or whatever. I'm usually pretty good at ignoring when she does this, but not always. Earlier tonight, when she was working on something and was telling me about some other things she had to do, I asked "Did you send that email to so and so yet? She snapped "No! I didn't have any time today." So I said - "I'd be happy to send it." She again snapped how that wouldn't work because . . . . I said something like "I wish you wouldn't snap at me. I was just trying to help." She said "I know you were. I'm sorry." And so it feels like I have to walk on egg shells all the time.
And then while I was making dinner, I had to listen to her rant and rave in frustration. When I asked her to please not yell, because it bothered me and I couldn't leave the room because I was making dinner, her reply was "You are asking an awful lot from me."
Or when we have somewhere to go, she stresses about needing to finish whatever she is working on before we leave. Like tonight, we had choir practice at church and I said "I'd like to leave at 7." It was clear she wouldn't be ready by 7, so I said "Why dont 'we take seperate cars, then?" She said "good idea." I left at 7 and she never made it. When I got home she said "I didn't make it." I said "I noticed." She then told me how much she still has to do, kind of complaining about what she HAS to do tonight. I just said "It's probably good you didn't come then."
So, my wife's stress is beginning to spill over to me, in that I get the brunt of her feeling stressed - having to hear her complain about all she HAS to do (translate "has taken on"), hearing her rant and rave when she gets frustrated when things don't work right on the computer, or when they take longer than she thinks they should, etc. Having to go places without her - like both Saturday and Sunday this weekend she has to bag on plans we made with friends both nights because she has so much she has to get done by Monday. I'll go without her, but still, I'd rather us go as a couple. Last weekend I almost ended up going away By myself for a weekend getaway we had planned more than a month ago because she had to get the taxes done and had left them until Thursday! (Do you know how hard it was for me not to nag her to start them weeks ago??) She ended up taking off work to do them, and still didn't finish them - that's one of the things she will be doing tonight, since tomorrow is April 15.
I am finding it becoming more and more difficult being around her when she is so stressed and overworked. But, I am also concentrating on not nagging, not complaining, not fixing, not controlling, etc. And besides, there really is nothing I can say to her about her procrastinating, setting limits, planning her time better, etc., that I haven't said already. And she doesn't seem to want ot hear my genuine offers of help. (I have tried "would you like my help" and "would you like my advice" and "what can I do to help?" So usually all I say now is "I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed, honey." And I try to avoid her and go off and do my thing. And I wonder -is this what it has come to, my avoiding my wife because I don't enjoy being around her?
I avoid
Submitted by Clarity on
I do avoid my ADD husband because of the same thing. He is easily irritated. He's very busy as well. He'll talk about all the things he has to do and then he watches tv while at the computer at the same time accomplishing nothing. Usually whatever and however I mention anything he's either goofing off or very bothered by me. Often he says "what?" and I have to repeat myself again. (I usually have to say everything to him at least twice which is very irritating!) He really does seem to be in his own reality. It's like he just wants to live life on his own terms and I simply must comply. Otherwise he gets angry and verbally abusive. Sometimes requests are dismissed. "I know, I'll do it later, I'm taking care of it..." with no follow through. It's a relationship where there is no give and take, there's no exchange or camaraderie, it's all about him.
The medications he's on makes him less edgy but, it's been a long time and I'm over the loneliness in a way. Really, after almost 30 years I've found that avoiding him and doing my own thing is easier.
Balance
Submitted by Nettie on
It is really difficult finding a balance. I've been able to relate to Hoping4More because I've often gone too far in the opposite direction trying to keep my own chaos under control, but now my also ADHD spouse sees me as neurotic when I, for example, put dishes away in the same place each day (easier/faster to find them). He didn't have to raise two children and figure out what was wrong with oneself alone with ADHD like I did. So, all of you coping with the chaos, I understand.
With my other, ADHDer, hat on: when I'm feeling down about my behavior, I half-heartedly joke about having Tourette Syndrome as I may yell out without control. For example, one day while my son and spouse were running an errand, I attempted to write a forum comment and didn't finish by the time they returned. With them looking on (I was using the large TV as a monitor, and they wanted to play video games), I lost all concentration. I asked them politely to give me a minute to wrap it up, but when they left, I still couldn't remember my closing statement, deleted the whole thing and then said loudly, "I'm done, I'm done." Fortunately, they thought I repeated myself loudly because I was in another room and maybe they didn't hear me, but I know it was frustration with myself at my loss of concentration and slowness in writing to not finish by the time they returned.
Maybe I can drag your wife, Hoping4More, with me as I'm trying to get help with those outbursts and the feelings of frustration behind them. They seem to slip out, especially in the car when I know the other drivers can't hear me (so I guess I have some control if the situation isn't too bad). The taking on of projects is possibly an adrenaline thing, which I'm learning about with that book I've suggested before and soon, counseling. Before these tools, it took me being very strict with myself, but I still have lots of unfinished craft projects :O
I found out it's the hunt of materials that interests me in addition to liking some crafting. I still enjoy the hunting, but now (when successful) I don't purchase anything until I've finished the last project. I can't say that about my to-be-read bookshelf, but I'm much more controlled, do read the books (even if just 10 minutes at a time, I get there) and found ways to spend less (book swaps, etc.).
Okay, now I'm rambling. I know from experience long posts on this forum are hard for an ADHDer (me) to read, so more appropriately placed comments later.
My husband sounds exactly
Submitted by newfdogswife on
My husband sounds exactly like your wife in all aspects. Unfortunately, like many of us, this is exactly what it comes down to, avoiding the spouse and doing your own thing. Most of the time it is the only way to keep your sanity. My husband creates his own stress by not following through on many things and I have finally learned, just to let him be. I guess he prefers to live this way as he still refuses to get the necessary help he needs. He continues to be stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, depressed and lost in his own world most of the time. It is sad to see him this way. I avoid mostly for my own health and well being because if you are not careful this stuff will kill you.
ditto re my wife
Submitted by sandune on
thanks to this site once again............as a non, this is so textbook! I had to step aside as well to keep my sanity. You are so right, and my wife creates her own stress and leaves the infamous "trail" of wounds. I defended her and cleaned up her problems to the point it downright destroyed me. It is an endless cycle of hyperfocus/mania, anxious, running from her committments by not following thru, then stress, overwhelmed and then depression. I can write the script daily...................her entire family has adhd and she sees their problems and refuses to accept her's. Yes, I am sad and had to move out and away from the roller coaster, it was destroying not only our marriage and her other close relationships, it was affecting me and I was not liking me!
Two years ago before I had even heard of adhd, I thought it was just relationship habits and attitude. We are in our 50's, her third marriage and my second. I fell in love during hyperfocus as I now understand it was, and yes, it only lasted 6 months after we were married. Each day away from chaos is a healing experience for me.
Why on earth is the ADD
Submitted by joyrebel on
Why on earth is the ADD member of the relationship doing the taxes?
Instead of trying not to nag her about starting them, why didn't you do it? Just curious? BOTH my husband and I have ADD, well he's got the H and I don't, and I get STUCK with that crap because he can't handle it at all. I don't mind but I don't want to hear about how I should have done it. If he didn't have ADD, you can bet I'd be letting him do it!
Could you be more specific about the "things" she takes on and what her daily schedule is like? It's hard to give advice with a vague description. Detachment is definitely a coping strategy but obviously not a very satisfying one for you... with some more details maybe we could help you brainstorm something.
I'll challenge you a little bit, if you don't mind... my husband also says HE has all HIS stuff under control, blah blah... but he doesn't do a quarter of what I do, things that have to be done, and then brags about how HE handles "things" so much better than me. If I do let him "help" me all he does is criticize me, override me, and complain. The last thing anyone in the family wants is for him to "help." Well, that was more in the past, he has learned how to help without being a jerk, and we've found much better division of labor... we've switched up some tasks and it's going much better.
I'm not saying you ARE being this way, but is there any possibility that she feels like you simply judge her and are self-righteous (even if you think that's not fair, could she feel that way?) and the things she has to do aren't things she can SAY no to... or does she have a perfectionist issue, that everything must be done a certain way (and therefore never get finished)... or she just can't settle in one direction... is she a slave to what she feels is EXPECTED of her and that's why she can't say no? Does she feel like she MUST be in choir even though maybe it's one thing too many? Do you expect it?
I had to realize finally that I could not do everything people expected me to do. I actually stopped going to church for two years because I was going to have a nervous breakdown if I had to do any more work, be on any more committees, or serve any more, in addition to raising my kids and working and taking care of all our household business. I simply could not do it. And I felt like a failure because I could not do it. Women are supposed to be able to do every last damn thing on the planet, with a smile and a beautiful hairstyle while doing it. And when they ASKED, I did have a hard time saying no, and the guilt trip laid on was pretty thick. I tried to end a preschool teaching volunteer position because of the extra stress and was told my wanting to do that was because of an attack of Satan... so then saying no means you don't have enough faith. Great, more guilt, I needed that. Somehow when my husband ignores or says no to requests for help, no one tells him he's under an attack of Satan. Then he goes fishing.
I finally shut down for a while and got some therapy and just...rested. I kind of had a midlife crisis/epiphany where I finally realized I DON'T have to meet everyone's expectations. It's not easy. I have learned what I need to do to recharge my batteries as well. And to only do what I can do and to LET people help instead of trying to be Super Woman because I am not. It sounds like your wife is suffering burnout. I know it's unpleasant for you, but maybe what she needs right now isn't lessons in time management, but some downtime, and some way to feed her soul and grow instead of being dragged ever further down. Do you think she doesn't know in your incredible disappointment in her, and that no, she couldn't go to choir and what kind of person can't get their crap together enough for that?
I would really think about and pray about what expectations she is torturing herself with. Sari Solden's book about Women and ADD really speaks to this issue of the pressure women feel.
partly off topic -- different strokes, taxes and ADD
Submitted by arwen on
Joyrebel, my ADD spouse does the taxes in our house, too, even though they are a big challenge for him. This was a very carefully reasoned decision made by both of us together.
We discovered over time that he absolutely cannot handle the regular month-to-month finances or manage our investments. But he really hates not knowing anything about our financial situation. Even though I would sit down with him regularly and discuss it, for him those discussions were like an abstract math class in school -- he couldn't focus or interpret the information usefully, even though I tried graphs and all kinds of other things to see if they would help. Doing the taxes, however, gives him an annual opportunity to assess our finances and compare them to previous years, so it gives him a high-level handle. And because he has to prepare them himself, the numbers are *real* to him in a way that all our discussions were not.
We have set up the process so that he has intermediate milestones to report on to me (e.g. does he have all the supporting documentation he needs, like W2's, 1099's, etc? has he completed the schedule of itemized deductions? does he have an initial approximation of what we owe/get back?). And I always review them before they are sent in. This is very little work for me, but it helps greatly to keep him on track. The evolution of tax software has also been a significant help in this process.
It took us quite a few years (and tons of frustration along the way) to perfect this system, but this now works *really well* for us both. This year's taxes were more complicated than usual, and he got them done *early*.
Not every case of ADD is the same. There are differing degrees of ADD, and of course with and without various comorbid disorders. I know many couples where one partner has ADD and the other doesn't -- in some areas, what works for one couple doesn't necessarily work for another, and can be downright disaster for a third pair. In other situations, the same strategy works great for many of them. Although there are many common themes in these marriages, when it comes to the actual nuts and bolts of the relationship, I've found that pretty much every case is unique!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
Expectations
Submitted by Hoping4More on
In answer to your question, joyrebel, my wife does all the finances because that is what we agreed to in the division of labor and she does a GREAT job. She is not like a lot of the ADDers I read about here in that area at all. She stays on top of things, gets bills paid on time, etc. In fact, finances is one area where I totally trust my wife to get things done and I NEVER have to remind her or nag her. She has good systems in place and uses them, and it works! Re: the taxes - we file seperately because we HAVE to (we are a same sex couple). She does hers and I do mine and it was HER taxes that needed to be done. Again - she was perfectly capable and did an excellent job, she was just procrastinating because she was avoiding finding out how big a check she was going to have to write.
Re: the things she takes on and whether I expect them of her. I don't have those expectations. In fact, I have been trying to help her figure out how to say no to OTHERS and take less on. She has a real problem setting limits and also in knowing how much she is capable of doing in a certain amount of time. And THAT's why she tends to take on too much. My issue is that if she DOES take on too much and is so stressed by it that it is unpleasant to be around her because of her grousing and yelling, what might I do to take care of MYSELF?
Hi, I'm the non-ADD partner
Submitted by Sparkle on
Hi, I'm the non-ADD partner and I sound a lot like your wife!! I also take on far too much, don't say no, deadlines approach and I'm suddenly barking and snapping at everyone and feeling overwhelmed.
I think it's really positive that you're helping her figure out how to say no to others. If my partner was willing to help me do this, it would be an amazing thing for our relationship. Under the surface I think there are probably some underlying issues that compel some people to over-commit themselves and then not be able to accept help when they've taken on too much. In my case it's probably because my family is the same, and to say no to a request is tantamount to admitting you're a shiftless, worthless, lazy mooch. Clearly not true, but the emotional triggers involved can be pretty strong and hard to shake.
My partner has suggested that I see someone professionally to talk about these things - figuring out ways to feel like a strong and good person but within my realistic limits. Is that something your wife would be willing to do? Or to find ways to minimize stress, or at least more healthily handle her response to stress?
I wish I could give you advice on keeping yourself healthy in the middle of her 'storm', but as the person causing those issues in my own house, I'm probably not the best source of info for that...