My wife feels invisible

What do I do to make her feel visible? I went upstairs to plug in my cell phone. I looked at my phone and was distracted by an news article. I was up there for at least 15 minutes.  I didn't ask her what she was doing before I went upstairs, and she was trying to solve a problem with her website. Both kids were running amuck (one kept asking for ice cream even though it was just before dinner, and the other fixed a bowl of cereal without asking, again, before dinner). She was yelling out to me to come help but I did not hear her downstairs. She had to abandon what she was doing and it made her feel like what she is doing isn't considered.

I don't want her to feel invisible. Buy saying sorry doesn't fix this. Promising to try harder doesn't fix this. And it isn't making it go away. I don't know what to do.

You do know what to do. That

You do know what to do. That is what is so sad for us.  We know that if you wanted to focus, you are really good at it, it is just that we don't seem to mean as much as whatever it is that catches your attention at the moment.  There are things you could do to remind yourself, like making a schedule, making a date, making notes for yourself, wearing a watch, wearing a wedding ring, giving yourself alerts to check with her every so often, making some rituals and good habits.  It is what office people do to manage multiple things (ie: Franklin Planners, etc)  At work, I don't want to juggle 8 projects at one time but I know I must so I find things to help me organize so I can because my job means a lot to me.  You must pay attention to the ones you love or you will contribute to their unhappiness, loneliness and sickness. I know of what I speak.  It is 8:30 pm.  I made a 3 course dinner done at 5:30.  DH has not come in the house for 3 hours.  He is sitting in the garage doing something else.  I am now going to put dinner away. I am invisible.  Did he lose track of time or does he want to do his own thing?  Every night he chooses to do his own thing.   He is missing out on life and love and being a part of a family.  For what this time?  For a crossword puzzle.  For sorting his garbage.   If he had a note or an alarm or was focusing on what is important, he would not be sitting out there while I put the dinner away and we would not have spent our evenings alone each by ourselves again.

Your wife feels invisible

Your wife feels invisible because you are treating her as invisible.  See her and hear her.  

Here's what you do... you

Here's what you do... you apologize for not being there when she needed your help...

And next time- when you see your two kids "running amuck" and her trying to work on her website- step in and take care of the kids. Tell the kids that dinner is coming... Take away the one kids cereal nad deny the other kid ice cream- tell them it's about to be dinner. Set the table or see what there is left to do to prepare for dinner. Talk to your kids and get them ready to sit down and eat... go over to your wife and give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and ask her how her day was and if you can do anything to help.

If you are saying that things were peaceful as you headed upstairs and then while you were upstairs this all happened, then maybe you should get an extra charger and plug your phone in downstairs and charge it there so you can hear everything.

Good luck!

Pbartender's picture

Or better yet...

Or better yet...

Take charge of the kids and dinner, before they start running amok (enlist the kids to help with dinner, even)...  regardless of whether she's working on her website or not.

 

Pb.

Yep, Sweetie

I've been invisible for years.

Too many as a matter of fact.

I'm pretty sure we're at the point of no return.

The only time my husband pays attention to me is if he senses I'm going to leave him n it's a crisis.

You're getting some good advice here.

Your add may be undertreated if you're having this problem or your treatment may be inadequate. I've mentioned this many times to my husband n been blown off.

Additional treatment outside medication is often needed.

I make a heartfelt suggestion that you listen to what you're being told here.

A spouse can only be neglected so long before giving up.

The person who pointed out you can use hyperfocus on things you're interested is correct. Believe me, I'm sure your wife is aware of this too.

Didn't take long for me to realize this one.

Intent doesn't matter alot here.

I'm pretty sure my husband's version of love is not love at all. The only time I get attention is when there is a crisis or an abundance of "good feelings".

I'm pretty sure my husband's version of love is good feelings.

He pretty much ditches out on anything else n I can be left with all the shit work in the household.