Early on in marriage, lost job. Not because of ADHD, but because market tanked in recession and had to move. Wife didn't want to move but we had to in order to survive.
Since she didn't like area, I spent more time trying to fix situation and not paying attention to my wife. We finally moved again. Made another job change to defense contractor and that went under two weeks before son was born. Luckily had a back-up and was unemployed for 5 min.
At that point at the age of 29, was diagnosed with ADHD. My wife still resents me for making her give up original job. On the plus side, we had moved into same area as her parents. Plus it's the nicest area we've lived in.
This current job I had lost because of my adhd. I was working close to 75 hour weeks, and I was constantly stressed because my wife was even more resentful towards me. I also had to travel about 40% and I was trying to manage projects and repair my marriage because of my lack of emotional connection, attention, and emotional presence. I was relieved when I had lost that job. But the stress of unemployment was harder on her because she was dependent on me and she had no control whatsoever.
Luckily, being a good engineer, I wasn't unemployed for long. Now, finally after years of bouncing around, I've had the best position for the past year. Economy is improving, I am finally in a stable position, and I can provide for us and our family steadily. In this economy, that is a blessing.
Now (30 years old):
But over the past year, my wife has resented me more and more. I've been reading books on how to become a better husband, but it seems like anything that i try is never good enough. I've been on medication and I see a psychiatrist every three months to help with me with my medication. I've found a good balance of dosage and I think that it helps. Although, my wife refuses to give me any feedback whatsoever. I ask her what I can do to make things better and she refuses to say anything because she says she's been telling me for three years now.
She snaps anytime I make an ADHD mistake. She yells at me, sometimes hits me, tells me I'm stupid, retarded, and that I don't deserve a family. When I grab her arms just to get her to stop hitting me, she says things like I hope i get bruises so I can call the police and have them take you away. She said that everyone in my life has had to put up with me and that I don't deserve to have any relationships.
I love her, and I love my son. But it seems like everything that I do is wrong. I want her to understand that I'm human and I'm going to make mistakes. I'm not perfect. I am trying, but it always seems like I do something that causes her to loose control.
She refuses to come to therapy. She says that therapist don't work. I try the 5 love languages, I try to do things pertaining her love language. When an argument arises, I say I'm trying to do things pertaining to her love language and she replies that the test she took was not long enough and that wasn't really her love language. I'm keeping a journal and so I can track what works and what doesn't. I'm trying to plan date nights and it seems that I always manage to mess something up just before and she hates me for the entire evening.
Something always makes her upset. Today I had to reschedule a mini-vacation because I had an important meeting at work. I'm the cognizant engineer and I have to be there. But her anger and hatred overtakes her. It's not that I want to cause her stress, but I'm not missing a meeting that is very important to the company. It's not that I value work over our family. I just want to be secure in my employment. That's more valuable. We can always reschedule the vacation (which we did). Plus management was happy and they even gave me an extra half day to take off.
But it's seems that she can never take any change to a future schedule because of something that is out of our control. Go with the flow and reschedule, it's not the end of the world. She could not. She was so angry and upset. I'm confused because management understood, and that they knew they were causing us to change our plans. But that one thing that was not in our control, she took all of her anger and resentment out on me, in front of our son, doing the things I said in a previous paragraph. When I cry, she says that she feels nothing. She says very hurtful things. She says that I'm only worth a paycheck to her.
Now I'm believing that I deserve all of this. Maybe I do. I don't know anymore. I hug my 2 year old son and tell him I love him. I want to do the same to my wife. But I'm afraid that she'll take the only things I have in this world away from me: herself and my son.
I feel so lonely...