I haven't posted in a LONG time because things have been going relatively well. I have learned to be more empathetic about certain behaviors and nag and criticize less, and my wife has been working really hard on managing her ADHD, including taking her meds and seeing a therapist. We have read Melissa's book and attempt to use some of the techniques contained therein, including doing learning conversations when we find ourselves going in circles.
A couple of weeks ago, I noticed my wife acting differently, and I asked her if she had taken her meds. She hadn't. She said she was running low and she was "conserving" them until she had a chance to see her psychiatrist. Her appointment was for the next day.
A couple of days later I asked her again if she had taken her meds, and she hadn't. She said she was still "conserving" them, and I said - it looks like you have plenty - how long does it take to get the meds? She said she hadn't mailed the script yet. I got angry and said "What?! You've had the script a week now and haven't sent it? Why not?" She said she wasn't sure she wanted to keep taking the meds because she wasn't sure they were really making a difference. That she thought it changed her personality and that she was thinking she could just work harder instead.
I felt panic rush in. I said I thought they made a big difference. I also said "we've worked really hard on this stuff, and everything has said that treating the ADHD with meds is an important part of managing the ADHD. And now you want to just stop taking the meds?!!" Granted - I said this angrily and probably not as succinctly, but this is the gist of it. She promised she'd mail off the prescription the next day. And I said, more calmly, I think - "Honey, what's going on? Why do you want to stop taking the meds?" And she said she didn't want to talk about it. I said I though we needed to. She said not now. I said - so when then? She said tomorrow.
We didn't talk about it the next day - big mistake.
The following day, I again noticed her acting in a way that made me think she hadn't taken her meds, so I asked her if she did. She said she had. Later in the day, I again asked her, for I knew she hadn't - I could tell by her behavior. And she again said she had. Well - and I'm kind of ashamed to admit this - I had counted the pills the previous day when she had said she was "rationing" them, because I was curious how many she had left. So, I wen and checked, and there were the same number left.
So I called her on it. And she admitted she hadn't. I got really upset, not just because she hadn't taken her meds, tho that was a big part of it, but because she had flat out lied to me about it.
You have to understand - one thing I could count on in our marriage was that my wife would always tell me the truth. She prides herself on being honest, and that is one of the things I really love about her. I always knew that no matter what, she would not lie to me.
Well, obviously that rug has just been pulled out from under me. So I told her I was afraid. Afraid of what was happening to our marriage. Afraid because the one thing I thought I could always count on, I no longer can. And also afraid that if she is deciding not to take her meds, we are going to go back to square one, and I don't want to go through that again. I left the room in anger. I avoided her the rest of the night. I refused to kiss her goodnight (thought I did SAY goodnight.) And then this morning, we both got ready for work and left without saying a word to each other.
And I don't know what to do from here. I am really upset that she lied to me. But part of me does feel like I am blowing it out of proportion. The bigger fear is that she is going to decide to stop taking her meds. Oh, I did toss a zinger at her last night before going to sleep - I said "I hope you think about what the effect will be on our marriage if you decide to stop taking your meds. I do NOT want to go through all that again!"