At my wit's end.... Please advise

Background: I've been with my ADD partner for about 18 months. We've lived together since day one as we were housemates before we were a couple. He hasn't been formally diagnose with ADD although he has finally made an appointment with a doctor and is waiting for a referral - I don't think either of us is in any doubt that he does have ADD.

I went back to uni in October which meant us moving to another city, him changing jobs and him paying ALL the rent and household bills so that I can study. I cannot begin to explain how grateful I am to him for this, and I understand what an enormous and generous commitment this is on his part. For my part, I try to keep on top of all the household chores so that he doesn't have to think about that (although, when I was paying 50% rent/bills when I was working, I also did all the household chores then....)

The problem is, I feel utterly alone in our relationship and he feels like a stranger to me these days. We have a fairly tempestuous relationship at the best of times but at the moment, he is finding work very stressful and I am finding uni very stressful so things seem to have reached a breaking point for me. 

I am trying SO hard to understand what it is like having ADD - I'm even focusing my assignment for my Neuroscience unit on it. I've read countless articles and posts on this forum to try to be a more understanding girlfriend, but it doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere. 

What I can't accept is that he has made no endeavours to either 1) find out some coping strategies for his ADD, or 2) find out what it's like not having ADD!! 

He doesn't seem to understand that life is pretty stressful at times for us non-ADDers - I don't always feel like I have the energy/motivation/coping skills to keep on top of the mountain of uni work and household chores. But I do. 

If I ever have a problem that's worrying me, I try to talk to him about it, but he just won't see things from my point of view. I just don't know how to talk to him anymore. He gets defensive so quickly and ultimately blames me for EVERYTHING. It seems that apologising would kill him. 

I realise this post is a bit of a rant, so to make it a bit more concise....

Will he ever be able to show me emotional support? The financial support is kind and generous and hugely appreciated, but I feel that it's the easiest type of support for him to offer. Can I ever rely on him to pick up the pieces when I can't cope anymore? 

Sorry for the long post; any replies would be very gratefully received. 

I feel the same way.....

I am not sure if I can offer any advice, as I am just as frustrated as you and have been trying to figure out if I can live with this 'insensitivity' coming from someone I share a space with the rest of my life.  I feel he is able to reap all the benefits of living with a normal, loving, considerate and supportive person, yet he feels he doesn't need to offer the same thing in return to me.  I get no apologies, no patience, no consistency.  I am told I am not "trying hard enough to work on myself".  I can't communicate with him in any way b/c he is so defensive.  When I try to communicate with him during a disagreement, it is impossible to get anywhere. I phrase it to him this way: "I'm trying to understand you, trying to learn, trying to allow you to teach me.  Trying to understand what the rules are, how we can agree on the right responses moving forward that work for both you and me, etc."

The response is that I am a "bad student / unable to learn."  When I say, "help me, try teaching me a different way...give me some examples so I have something to 'stick' my experience to....so I can understand", I get "I'm not giving you examples....if you don't get it, I can't help you - you have problems learning and seeing the big picture b/c you are caught up in the details and examples."  UUGH....so frustrating.

You can click on my username and see what else I've written....you might be able to identify....and some others replied....I've been told it never goes away.....

I've also asked for advice FROM ADHD-ers and it doesn't seem they want to reply to my posts....I am looking for the best way to respond or at least to see their opinion on what I wrote, but all I get is "I hear ya!" posts from the non-adhd-ers, like me.... :(

 

Thank you

Hi bb77, 

Thanks for replying to my post! It would be great to get some information from an ADHD person on here, as it seems like it's the only way I'm every going to understand my partner - to talk to someone else! Still, it is nice to hear that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling. For the past year I have convinced myself that all our arguments have been my fault. I've felt like a terrible person, my self-esteem has been shattered and I have read goodness knows how many online articles and books to help me to become a better person!

Only now am I finally realising that it's maybe not just me. I admit that the way I behave in response to him is at times a bit OTT and not very self-controlled. However, as I said to him the other evening; I feel like I've been dumped in another country where I don't understand the language or culture. Everything that I've always believed about people; every behaviour that I've come to expect... all gone! I can say the most seemingly innocuous comment and all of a sudden find myself in a row! 

Will definitely have a read through some of your posts and see if I can find a way to make sense of all of this! 

I don't know how helpful ths

I don't know how helpful ths can be but for me my ex was able to show me emotional support until he gets busy with work or other projects that became priority and I became invisible. I know he loves me and I tried to understand why is so hard for him sometimes to show me that he loves me, and I realized I never will understand because his brain doesn't work like mine. So I left him. Breaking up with someone I know loves me was hard but I had to do what's good for me. We all deserve to be with someone that show us how much they love us and appreciates us everyday. It's only been few Weeks and it's still hard especially since he is trying to show me that he cares but we went through this road before and I know that soon enough he will go back taking me for granted again. So I stay strong and keep my distance, occupy my self with spending time with friends, reading the forums also helps because I know I, made the right decision. Good luck!