I have been reading posts in this forum for a while and have only posted once. By nature I hate to share personal problems with people I don't know, even if it is online and one is pretty much anonymous.
Today, I have to make an exception because I need advice and I need it fast. My husband has severe ADHD. He was formally diagnosed 2 years ago, tried the minimum dose of Concerta, took it for 20 days and then stopped. Throughout our 7-year marriage he has done many things which over the years made me realize that I have no future with this man. But, I had to put up with all of it because of our 2 young kids, and because I had to pay off some debt (incurred thanks to him) before I felt even somewhat ready to leave him.
I am so sick and tired of him making bad financial decisions, having spending sprees on his expensive hobby, being late paying bills, spending lavishly when we have overdue bills, being arrogant and verbally abusive, and spending money on s... phones and even meeting paid escorts. The last one he has done at least one summer and he claims he has not done anything but just met and had lunch. I do not believe him. Stopped believing him a long time ago.
So, back to our current situation. This summer he purchased a very expensive instrument (over $25,000) for his job (he is self-employed) and after he was turned down for a loan by our bank, he claims that his Mom gave him half of the amount, and the other half he paid by selling his old instrument. Also, he says that he will not be paying off anything to his mother, which I don't believe again. She is retired and has fixed income. He does not work much in the summer and this year we got behind with our mortgage by quite a few months. There is a real risk of us losing the house, yet he won't ask for a loan from his Mom because he had already done this. Instead, he wants to file for bankruptcy, which quite frankly terrifies me.
He defaulted on his student loan and because it was sent to a collection agency and he just stopped making payments without filing for financial hardship forbearance, they added $7000 in fees. When I heard of it I was speechless. And yet he started yelling at me that he had no money in the summer to pay it. He has no credit cards - defaulted on them 3 or 4 years ago. So, whenever we need credit for something it is on me. This is how I became indebted by getting loans for furniture and then struggling to pay it off by myself.
I was brought up to be responsible and pay my bills on time. He waits until the last minute, or even worse, forgets about them. I make sure that the bills are paid on time and have to constantly remind him what is going through. I pay as many bills as possible and buy groceries for the whole family. He keeps counting the pennies that I spend for food for months, and yet eats out every day (because there is never anything good for him) at home. He is a walking financial disaster and is slowly but steadily dragging me down with him too.
Now, he wants to file for bankruptcy to avoid losing the house and I am afraid that this will affect my credit and the possibility of getting a loan later on. He will need a new car pretty soon and when I asked him how he would get one without a loan, he said that he will ask his Mom to do it and he will just pay her off. Isn't this convenient? He seems to have a way of using the people around him as if he is totally entitled to being helped. And what will happen after his Mom is gone? He will leach off me.
I detest him for so many things - for being selfish and not thinking of the consequences of his actions, for having hurt me so many times, for not being there as a husband or a father. And whenever I try to reason with him and ask him, for example, why he bought an expensive instrument, without even discussing it with me, he told me it was because he knew I was going to say "no" and he was not going to have it. The reaction and thinking of a kid.
He is messy, a hoarder, his car is dirty and smelly and he always has an excuse for not having the time or money to wash it. Yet he finds time and money to do the things that he likes. His personal hygiene is deteriorating and I don't even want to think what he will be like when he gets old, but it shouldn't matter - I won't be there.
The worst part is that the kids see and listen and copy him and I will not allow for my little boy to be like him. Our daughter is the older of the 2 and she has moderate to severe ADHD too. Sometimes I see so much of him in her that it is scary, but I love her dearly. Having 2 out of the 4 of us with ADHD has been no bed of roses and I feel like I am losing my sanity. The last straw would be him filing for bankruptcy. And what's worse is that I don't think he will be able to commit to regular payments for 3 to 5 years (under the bankruptcy provisions) and then it will get even messier.
I am going to consult with a financial advisor and tomorrow we are both going to see an attorney who will discuss the bankruptcy options.
For the last week or so I have been thinking of just filing for divorce and leaving him. How much more can or should I take?