I don’t know if I am writing this for advice or for someone to share my pain…….I simply can’t see my future anymore.  I so crave happily ever after and for so many years have just lived day to day, hour to hour.  I wish I had a magic wand to fix it all ….

I am married for over 10 years to an ADHD Biopolar man.  My hubby found out 3 years ago.  I would like to give you a brief history and seek your advice.  Truthfully I am trying to answer the following questions and hope that your experience can guide me:

Do I stay with my husband for my child to be happy?

Would the lies ever stop?

Why do I feel like I owe my husband something or I need to fix him and why can’t I make him better.He wants to be better but never wants to do something consistently to help himself.

If I leave my husband and he does something bad to himself, how will I live with myself especially since my mom committed suicide when I was very young?

My hubby in a nutshell.  My hubby has been diagnosed ADHD and Bipolar.  He is an extrovert, fun person who loves to socialise.   He is also a gambling addict who does weed, and is highly depressive when he has no money.  He has lost millions in the casino and refuses to ban himself.  He has beautiful dreams of grandeur, success, money.  However these have always remained dreams. He finished high school.  While working I encouraged him to study however he never finished his studies. He could not hold down a job in the corporate sector and started his own construction company while I supported him financially.

Me in a nutshell: I use to be a quiet, peaceful, loving, introvert who use to love to swim, read and hike.  When I look at the mirror now I see a highly critical person who feels like a single mom of two kids.  My hubby feels like my second child.  I have become nagging, easily irritated, and constantly lecture my husband on his lack of accountability.  Besides that I have grown very successful in my career and am about to start my masters. 

Our history:

Our marriage has always been problematic, even before we married.  We use to fight every week. I had huge trust issues as I caught him staying with his old girlfriend and eventually forgave it. When we fought he would always break something or tell me that he is going to crash his car or teach me a lesson.  I have tried committing suicide a few times when I couldn’t handle it anymore, clearly I didn’t get it right.

He only hit me three times.  The only one being really bad was over a year ago where he pummelled me till I collapsed.  I would like to say that it was my fault, I threw a plastic spatula at him and it actually hit him.

As of last year November, we have stopped fighting. And so my child was born to this environment of fighting until last November when we have just stopped fighting.  We had to stop. Our child who has ADHD and ODD was affected to the point of him almost being thrown out of prestigious private school.

My child’s bday wish this year was for us to be a happy family. 

My husband has a serious gambling addiction and until two years ago, I could always bail him out.  I didn’t realise the extent of his addiction until he maxed out all my credit cards.  I don’t know if I didn’t see the signs or I chose not be see it as I was busy growing my career.

Through the years, he has literally bankrupted me.  I fall into a high income bracket though we live in a low income home. My income pays for everything from groceries, school fees, medical aid, etc.  What frustrates me that one month’s work for my hubby can equal or better four months of my pay.

He is completely depressed when he has no money and literally sleeps and watches TV all day.  He has taken my bank cards out of my wallet and has recently taken our child’s money which was a substantial financial gift by his grandfather and gambled it away.  He said that he used it as a down payment on a job he is starting but I can see the lies and the depressive symptoms setting in.  It like a show on repeat and I keep seeing it year after year. 

My hubby and I have no intimacy. He is more of a friend than a husband. He said he had erectile issues for the last 8 years.  Lasts year I caught him fooling around with another female.  Their messages implied sex however he said that he never actually have sex with her.  And the reason he did it was to feel like a man again.  I don’t make him feel worthwhile.

The stress of the lies, gambling, financial instability, being the person who carries the family’s burden has led me to have a mild heart attack in my 30’s.

I am not sure how to make my childs wish come true and still survive.  If I ever leave him, it is my home, I support my entire family so he would have to leave …. And he has nowhere to go….. he has no real friends and no family to count on……