I have posted in the past trying to find a place to make sense of what is happening in my life and my marriage. Although I've continued using this site as a place to read and reflect, I haven't posted in some time. My husband and I have since seen a therapist and honestly things have gotten worse. He finally took the suggestion of the therapist and began taking Straterra. It was a bust. The raging, ranting, and blaming went through the roof for about a month. I thought it was bad before, but it was pure torture. He now take Neurontin, which does seem to keep him a little more calm, but it does nothing to organize this thoughts or recognize his behavior. He is no longer living in our home. I made the decision for him to leave. Well, I made the decision after I realized he was lying, again about his pay checks. Bringing up the discrepancies, per usual means that I'm a greedy bitch who only cares about money. I'm confused how bring up and wanting to discuss the situation of him lying gets turned to me being a greedy bitch, but this is how it seems to work with ADHD partners. I'm his scapegoat. The therapists aren't convinced that he has ADHD. I struggle with whether or not he has ADHD or he's just a straight up narcissist. I feel pretty confident that he has ADHD, which u treated for so long has caused a lot of narcissistic traits. I'm not a Dr. Or an expert. Most of my information from forums like this, or articles online. However, I feel like I'm an expert on his behavior. How would the therapist know? I never get a word in at the therapy sessions and honestly I'm a wreck by the time we get there and he rambles and rants without taking a breath for the first 45 minutes. Basically boxing me out of being able to explain what's happening. I don't really know what the therapist is thinking about the situation. Honestly, I think she thinks I'm a controlling bitch. And I'll agree that at this point, I've become somewhat controlling and making my husband leave his home does seem like a bitch move, but I know in my gut that it's the right choice, whether the truth will ever come out or not. He has all the symptoms. He wants nothing to do with finances or bills, and he is stingy about his earnings. Meanwhile, I'm trying to take care of everything, clean up financial messes, bank fees, credit scores etc. but I'm a greedy bitch because i ask questions. He can barely dress himself. He loses everything. He stops by the store. 3-4 times a day. He lies about his lies then tries to convince of the lies or that he didn't lie. Confusion. Vagueness. When things don't make sense, I ask questions and I'm met with rage and anger. Is he a Narcissist? I don't know. He does show a lot of the qualities, however he isn't very good at it. He isn't organized enough to cover his own ass. He isn't a very stealthy liar. Or manipulator. Although he tries and fails. Which makes him even angrier. The cycle for us is that he "messes up". He doesn't manage his time, he doesn't fix his car, he over draws his account, he forgets to do this or that. We are married so many of these things affect me negatively making my days harder and I'm stuck cleaning up the mess and often times getting blamed. I speak up and try to find solutions. He rages, rants, lies, insults, stomps and slams, talks louder and faster, and can't handle the criticism. I get it. No one likes to hear their "mess ups" but how can I just be ok with it. How can it get better without bringing it up? You can't ignore the bank. You can't ignore that your car doesn't work. You can't ignore these things. I get the blame. Every when he apologizes, there is always a "but you". Or "it takes 2 to argue" or "I was just reacting to your... " . I'm in a position of feeling confused. At one point I don't want to be a victim and not take responsibility for my actions... As I'm asking him to do the same, but honestly, I've done nothing but try to find solutions. Have I argued? yes. Have I lied? No, never. It's his intention to avoid all of this and he wants me to avoid it too. He's actually said to me "when I'm done(throwing a raging tantrum)I'm fine". Or "Just let me" (insult and verbally attack you and lie). "Don't bring things up that you know upset me" ( things like wanting to discuss a blatant lie). "Don't poke a bear" ( apparently, I married a bear, and not a human man).
I need acknowledgement of these wrongdoings. All of them. I'm resentful. I'm human. But I want to be committed to my husband, who I believe is sick, but I can only do so much. He is currently only allowed to email me. Otherwise I'll be berated all day by text. I'll be blamed for everything that goes wrong in his day. If not blamed, I'll still get the anger and frustration taken out on me.
I believe my mother be a narcissist. Ive learned that my traits are typical of a child in scapegoat role of a family with a narcissistic mother. I've learned recently that much of my life wasn't as normal as I thought. I'm nervous to even say that, as it makes me a victim and it's not my intention. I never saw myself as a victim. I was always told I was difficult aNd angry and bad. I believe now, that I married one. Whether due to ADHD or not. I want to run and wash my hands of the whole thing, but I cared about him. I took vows and I Took them seriously. I feel like he uses my commitment to his advantage. I just can't believe I'm in this position. I learned so much, but them jumped right back into the same situation. I was the perfect person for him. Accommodating, caring, selfless, giving, generous... All to be taken advantage of and used against me. When I stopped, the tantrums started. Is my husband really that bad? Or am I not seeing something in myself? This is where the guilt comes into play.
I feel like his chaos and confusion is rubbing off on me. Im having a hard time even making sense now and organizing my thoughts. Luckily I'm seeing my own therapist now. But I'm impatient. I tried to get this going two years ago and it's just now happening. Now there is 2 years worth of things to deal with when initially, when I saw the red flags and brought it up, there were only a handful.
Can i risk waiting on him ? Risk more damage to my self esteem? Risk wasting more years on him? I've seen articles and forums where ADHD people come to terms with it, and acknowledge their behaviors and mistreatment of their spouses. I've read that it hits them, maybe after medication or therapy. How does that happen? What initiates that realization? I'm afraid it only happens after they lose their partner. So basically, he might get it, but not until I move on. So maybe he will do better the next time around. But I'm afraid the roles for us are set in stone and can not change.
Im so mad at myself for not caring about myself more and recognizing the situation for what it was. i really thought that we could work anything out, but this... This is not something i was prepared for.
Thoughts or advice is welcome, but honestly, I just need a place to get it out and hope that someone else understands.