Nearly a Year and a Half Later * Reflections of My Experiences Without ADD Spouse

It has been just over a year since I wrote the posts on this site.  This stie was a god sent when I was going through so very much with my ADD husband.  While I wished for a happy ending, that I did not get… it was a pleasant surprise when I received notice that someone had posted to my long ago writings; just the other day.


It was kind of like, when someone sees you when at your WORSE and then years later sees you at your best.  The contact brought back to me, where I was and I was so very much at my worst.  When I left my husband it was compelled by my fear that I would continue to waste my life.  Sorry to say it so harshly, but that is what it felt like.  11 years of looking after a grown man, only to find out he had a dianisis of ADD and there is a solution to my misery…. ONLY for him to deny it.  I feared, with hypertension, high blood pressure, migraines and stress for days… I could not continue working harder at managing his ADD then I was managing my own health.  His denial, was my lifetime of despair.  So, I left and everything got worse… but because I had been his bedrock for so long and then I was gone.  I watched him crumble, not because I hated him; but because he chose to and I watched him… waiting still for him to change…. Or get a clue and take the medication.  He never did.


So, here I am… a year and a half out of the marriage.  Only 3 months ago my ex asked me if I would reconcile, too much time had passed and honestly… I feel far to healthy to go back and the REALITY is, he is far to much the same.  I printed out for him, the many posts that I had written.  Proof I guess for how much I loved and wanted our relationship to work.  How much I was hurting and to show him… I am not controlling, crazy or too demanding.  I am just like all the other people on this site with a spouse with ADD.  I asked him “why now.”  He said “because I know better.”  And that was it.  So, I said:  “you know what.”  He said, “how to treat a woman.”  AND JUST LIKE THAT, I saw 10 more years flash before my eyes.  Prodding and probing a man to speak his mind, convey to me his process, and define how he will meet his objectives… beyond a flash answer.  NOPE, I saw it right there and my shoulder got tense. 


If he would have said he knows now he needs counseling, knows now that he needs to get back on the medication, knows now that he is not cured from ADD and that prayer is not enough to make it through.  But, he didn’t.  He just said…”because I know now, how to treat a woman.”


It certainly would have been easier to go back.  Easier financially, easier on the kids, easier to explain to my friends and family.  Easier when it is time to walk the dog and shovel the snow.  But, not 10 years easier enough.  I simply found ways to do all these things for myself, which is only HALF a burden when carrying my ADD husband on my back while doing all there was… was far to heavy.


Is this all negative.  No, I hope not.  I love my husband dearly.  I love him for his frailty and the capacity that I have grown to understand is not his choice.  I simply am not in love with him enough to sacrifice myself.  So, when I go over to our family home (I moved out) and see the piles of paper EVERYWHERE and I reschedule the kids missed dental appointments, and I still budget the business finances, and I avoid the creditors for bills he did not pay… I GO TO MY HOUSE and I rest easy.  He is a grown man and he has made his choice… as have I.  I love him as he is an individual perfectly made by Christ.  I still love him dearly as I would a friend whom I have known for 13 years now, just as a friend.


Every relationship has problems, some more than others.  My relationship had many and most were behind his ADD and the denial of it.  It was like being married to a man who could not walk and refuses to use a wheelchair, but who then does not recognize his weight was more than I could continue to bare to carry.


If your spouse is willing to admit and get the treatment needed, you are far better off than I was and you are blessed to be in a relationship of two.


My post name was UP 2 LISA because when I was in my marriage EVERYTHING was up to me.  Then my mantra was it was UP TO LISA because if I wanted to change anything in my life, it was up to me to take control of it... for myself.    I guess in that sense I was controlling from my husband's perspective, because I couldn't control him... any more than he could.  I took control of myself and I am better off for it.