First time poster. I need advice on what to do about my relationship with my ADHD boyfriend. Bullet points:
-We met a few years ago.
-We started dating about a year and a half ago.
-It is a long distance relationship.
-When we met he was living with his parents and applying to teach English in South Korea. This was a big change for him after living with a roommate and working at a restaurant for a decade.
-After two visits and two to three months, I thought he had ADHD, and I told him that. Didn't go well at first, but about three months later and lots of me crying he saw a doctor and got a diagnosis and medication.
-I've also cried about him trying to figure out a job/career, and have cried every step of the way to get him to do things like update his resume, reach out to a company about jobs, etc. I have also been the main person giving him step-by-step advice on how to start the career path he's now on (technical writer). My mom has been the other person.
-He started these ages at 32/33 years old. I was/am 29/30.
-I am his first girlfriend.
-I am exhausted.
-Over this same period of time, I've had my own (physical) heath issues to deal with, which have been extremely difficult (reproductive diseases, partial loss of vision in one eye, bacterial overgrowth). I've also worked very stressful jobs in Hollywood. He has stayed with me for two two-month visits this year. Both times I have felt unbelievably overwhelmed. He wants to and tries to help out with things in the apartment, but it takes endless reminders and planning help from me, I can often do the chores faster but am too tired, and I also now live in fear that something will go wrong or break while he's doing a chore. I can't even look at the kitchen after he cooks because it almost gives me a panic attack.
-He needs to apply for full-time tech writing jobs sometime in the next six months, as well as move out of his parents house and get a car (doesn't have one right now). He also doesn't have any savings and is working to fix his credit (another thing I had to cry about for months and months in order to make anything happen). I don't want all of this planning he needs to do for his life to fall on me. I'm worried that if I take no part in it, nothing will happen. I'm not sure he can move in with me. I'm not sure I can take it. I am also a writer and have no metal and/or physical space to write when he stays with me, because he works from my apartment.
-I have gone to lots of (YEARS OF) (EXPENSIVE) therapy in my life for my own issues. I said I would be willing to go to some sort of couples therapy with him at a place SPECIFICALLY for ADHD in the future, and would even be willing to bill it to my insurance. Last nigh he told me he and his therapist think I need to go to therapy for myself now. That make me want to walk away from him forever. Because if ADHD weren't in my life, I wouldn't be angry. I wouldn't' be anxious. If all of his life issues were gone from my life, I would be free. The thought of his problems no longer being my problems makes me feel free. The thought of going to therapy just to manage someone else's life and problems makes me depressed in a way I can't describe. It hurt me so deeply. It make me feel like nothing.
-The fun times in our relationship were short lived. It has been so stressful trying to change his life from almost the immedate get-go. He doesn't live where I live, so in order to do anything that resembles a date, he has to stay 24/7 in my apartment, where he also now works when he's with me. There's no romance. There's nothing taken off of my plate. The responsibilities of another person's life on top of the repsonsibilities of my own life are crushing me. Crushing me.
-I used to be fun and care-free.
-I don't know what to do.
-I don't want him to take out things he ACTUALLY needs to work out with his parents (leftover anger/resentment from childhood, things like that) on me. I BELIEVE he has ADHD. I BELIEVE he can do more with his life. I have put blood, sweat, and tears into moving his life forward. I just want to say, don't you take out your resentment on me. I've changed your life. I'VE CHANGED YOUR LIFE! Are you mad that it came so late? Are you grieving that these things didn't happen for you sooner? Me too, and I had NOTHING to do with that! I came into your life and instantly started "fixing" things that were stuck. What more do you want from me? I don't know how to get back to myself and also give you more.
-I don't know how to be a fun girlfriend who is happy anymore.
Please help. What do I do?