Hello , I was wondering if i could receive some unbiased advice, I have been dating my girlfriend for an entire year, I am having some doubts about our relationship however and was wondering if someone could share some insight on the matter with me. I met my girlfriend a year ago. I fell in love with her kindness, her loving demeanour, her caring qualities and her physical beauty, she is absolutley gorgeous. She told me she was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age but i didn't pay much attention to it.
Two weeks into our friendship before we even started dating she was sending me love songs, and telling me she didn't want to "lose me" because she revealed some mistakes in her past which i agreed to overlook and put behind us. Well she was very romantic and was extremely affectionate very early on in our relationship. She was very focused on me and it was like i was her priority. She would text me first thing in the morning, text me on my breaks at work, text me at lunch, call me after work, and text me all evening. I didn't mind i just passed it off as her being very affectionate. After 2 months and only seeing each other maybe once a week she said i was the guy she knew she wanted to marry. Again she would always fantasize about our life together, saying all the things we would do and all the places we would travel to see. She still lived at home being only 19, ( im 22) and whenever i visited her room it would be a mess, her dad would constantly be getting on her to clean her room and do household chores, he would interrupt our conversations on the phone to tell her things she needed to do. One time i came to her house to assemble furniture for her, and the entire time all she was doing was hanging off me and kissing me while i tried to work. It was frustrating as i was trying to do things for her and yet all she was focused on was me and displaying affection.
The doubts that i am having is whether or not she is a motivated person in life or whether she lives in a fantasy world. When we started dating she didn't have a job and she didn't receive her high school diploma because she failed English 12. I looked past these things, knowing how much potential she had and didn't want it to affect my viewpoint of her, I encouraged her to take evening courses to graduate, and to think about a career. She didn't know what she wanted to do in life, although she said she loved children but didn't want to take the long classes that were required for a diploma. So i suggested a dental hygienist, which she happily agreed about. So she took biology 12 because she needed this to gain entrance to the college course as a prerequisite and English 12. It was a 6 week long course from2 pm -6pm. During those 6 weeks she missed five days. I learnt she wasn't doing good in the course, she was constantly failing tests. While at school she was constantly texting me , i told her i was concerned that she focus on the class and was amazed she was doing this during class but she reassured me the teacher was " ok with it". Well after those six weeks were over she told me that she failed the biology course and just passed English.
I was in disbelief that she obviously didn't take it seriously. One of her friends recently told me she was in and out of relationships from the time she was 15 until she met me and was known by people as a " guy hopper" . I asked about some of her past relationships. One in particular she said was an abusive relationship, where her ex suffered from mental issues. He would call her up and start crying and she would talk to him on the phone for hours, trying to comfort him. I asked why she would stay with someone like that and she said because she felt thats what she needed to do "in order to get the guy" even though she knew she would be settling, and because she is a kind and loving person she wanted to nurture him. I am concerned at this point because i don't want our relationship to go on any longer if she is not good marriage material at this moment in her life. I am concerned because she doesn't know how to cook or clean after herself, but she insists when we are married she will do all these things. She doesn't have a drivers license and has no desire to get one.
i am also worried because she can move in and out of relationships so quickly that she may think she loves me, but its only the love of being in a relationship and not for who i am , and that after we are married, she will become a different person. I heard that lot of people have amazingly affectionate courtships , but this doesn't last into the marriage after the hyper focus wears off. She is the most romantic, loving, caring person i have ever met, but i'm not sure if she is one way around me and a different way around others, as she doesn't have many friends and the ones she does have are guys who are or were at one time interested in her romantically.
My biggest fear is her telling me what i want to her and focusing on a fantasy of life with me, instead of thinking in realistic terms, and she will forever be in a fantasy. I love this girl so much, but i am greatly worried. To further support my fears is her families history of mental illness. Her grandma has bi polar disorder, her brother has social anxiety disorder as well as anger problems. her sister has a eating disorder and a social anxiety disorder. her parents both suffer from depression and take medication to deal with it. I do love her , and i want to know if anyone seems a similarity with my situation and theirs or possibly to someone they know. i don't want to marry her and make the wrong decision regretting it for the rest of my life. Another one of my concerns is she would do things in past relationships even though she didn't want to " in order to get the guy", i'm wondering if our relationship is based on the same principle.
She told me she wanted children when i first met her and how she wanted a career with children. After three months into the relationship i confessed to her that i didn't want children, she didn't argue or put up a fight in anyway , not even so much as to say well in the future could we talk about it to see if our circumstances change, no instead she agreed not to have any! I find that also very confusing adding to my doubts. Please offer me some unbiased advice!
-Colt40
Submitted by sunlight on
These are just my own thoughts but there are many red flags here and the first is that you don't mention whether she is currently trying to manage her ADHD with consistent treatment - from your post it seems that she isn't. If not, she isn't taking the ADHD seriously and given your description that is a huge problem. Don't marry her unless she gets into treatment and follows through consistently for a long period (months or years). Do not (not!, not!, not!) get her pregnant unless and until she is successfully managing the ADHD and is proving to you that she can manage it. You will be in a world of hurt and there is a fair chance any child might have ADHD. Frankly it doesn't look good if she is not treating the ADHD. It's impossible to tell just how much of her behavior is ADHD and how much is her personality, and until she accepts that she must work on the ADHD and follows through then you won't really be able to tell. If she is untreated and stays that way then she still may be hyperfocussing on you - tread carefully and don't get too involved with future plans as there is a risk that the hyperfocus will end suddenly and she loses interest completely. Is she the only girl on the planet? Please be careful.
Thank you for your insight. I
Submitted by -Colt40 on
I won't comment on whether
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I won't comment on whether deceit and dishonesty are common to people with ADHD, because I don't know. But I will speak about my personal experience with my husband, who has ADHD. Yes, he has been deceitful and dishonest many times during our marriage. He engaged in tax evasion once and suggested that we do so again recently. He has consciously decided to not tell me about really important things a few times. He lies about smaller things, too. It's very distressing to me, because I'm a very honest and open person. (My siblings and I call ourselves "compulsive truth-tellers" because we have such problems with lying.)
We have two wonderful daughters. Because of that, I hesitate to say that if I could do things over, I wouldn't have gotten married to my spouse. If not for my daughters, I would not do this marriage over again.
Thank you that helps a lot
Submitted by -Colt40 on
Hello Colt40,
Submitted by Best2You on
Hello Colt40,
I am a woman with ADHD. I found out I had it at after many years of being married. While your girlfriend may have the best intentions in the world, it will be very difficult for her to change her ways because of getting married. I'm not saying it's impossible, but very difficult. I say she needs to start "practicing" now being tidy and cooking, especially if you are considering having children.
Reality hit me personally when I had my first child 6 years ago. Dealing with a full-time job, being a wife, my husband's ADHD, managing a home, and being a mom all on top of my ADHD, I almost could not cope. Adjusting to life with children is challenging for "regular" people, but for people like us it can be truly overwhelming. My children have also required therapies for different things which is another source of stress and overwhelm. Also, my husband with untreated ADHD does not "notice" the pile of dishes, dirty bathroom, or other things that need to be done and gets upset if I nag him about it, so it's tough.
So my answer to you again is intentions is one thing, but reality is very different. She needs to acknowledge it being an issue now and begin training herself now. Plus us with ADHD like to fall back on the "not now", before you know it hours, days, weeks, months, years go by of things not done or unfinished. Everyone here will tell you that is true.
Good luck to you!
Deceit and dishonesty?
Submitted by sunlight on
"bad history of deceit and dishonesty , is this something common to adhd as well?"
The problem with the question is that we all produce our own answers, and it would be really difficult to perform or find a statistical study on this. So far as I am concerned, ADHD does not replace character or personality. It may mesh with it or influence it in some ways, but each person's story is going to be different. My ADHD husband has something of the opposite problem (too much blunt truth when some people are not ready for it) and has learned to be more diplomatic over the years. So, no in my own view, dishonesty and deceit are not anything you should expect. The anecdotes you are relating seem to be showing her character. ADHD is not an excuse for how she has treated people in the past.
"one day a friend told her ex boyfriend about her new relationship and she justified her actions by saying she truly thought it was the less hurtful thing to do and that her personal life was none of his buisness so she didn't have to tell him anything"
ADHD has nothing to do with this. This self-serving manipulation and deceit should be a big warning of what will happen to you if you expect her to behave honestly and honorably. I would suspect there is a possibility that if you hold her feet to the fire sometime (by challenging her about this type of behavior) - you might find yourself history too. This may be immaturity (putting the brightest possibility on it), but if so you still need to question yourself about what kind of partner she will be through thick and thin, and through the normal crises of relationships.
"when were married she will do all these different things , like learn to cook, be tidy"
No, I think she won't. What you see is what you will get. I ran a scenario like this past my husband, asked him what he thought (he has struggles doing things that he has committed to within timeframes others are expecting, but he works hard on it). His reaction was an instant 'No, if she did it then it would only be for a short time'. My own opinion is that if she was serious about this then she would be already be working hard on it in order to demonstrate that she really understands that she will need to do it and to show you how much she really wants to be your partner. Marriage or live-in relationships are hard work. I see how much you feel for her, but you might want to see her living in her own place, paying rent, keeping it tidy (or tidy enough, even non-ADHD people have their own ideas of 'tidy') and holding a job for a few months before you commit to any type of living together. Don't accept that ADHD people can't do any of that.
"if she's more in love with the fantasy then me"
If you are asking yourself this then you suspect the answer. We don't know her, but she doesn't seem mature enough to hold down a stable relationship at this point. It doesn't mean that she never will be, that's the reason I think you should see her living alone for some months to get a firm answer.
"whether... she will be an emotional mess when she realizes marriages aren't like in the movies"
Or whether she'll move on to the next new guy because it turned out that you were a bore when you didn't want to have fun and you wanted to eat every day. Yes, this sounds harsh, but from what you've described I think you should think about the possibility.
I know this must sound very negative and that you really feel deeply for her. I'm non-ADHD married to ADHD so I'm not a person to say 'run' when ADHD is in the picture, rather I just think that in this instance you're describing a lot of non-ADHD red flags and you're worried about them otherwise you wouldn't be here. I think you need to take it slowly and see how she reacts when you encourage her to be more independent. That will show you a lot.
Thank you very much "
Submitted by -Colt40 on
Thank you very much " sunlight " for your well thought out response. Of all the great advice yours was what really helped , there is no need to sugar coat things if someone sees a potential disaster it's the right thing to do to provide a fair warning . Very often we can look at situations through rose colored glasses with a projection of what things will be , not realizing what they actually are. I know for a fact I'm in love with her potential not the person who she is right now, but the person she projects herself to be through guarantees and promises of things to come in the future. There are major signs as everyone is mentioning , her extreme love and affection is what makes me overlook those red flags . But this affection could very well be hyper focus . I am coming very close to ending this relationship as I find out more about her past dealings with others and by asking mature situated people their opinions on the subject which harmonize with my own suspicions. One more question has anyone here while courting their spouse with adhd , find that they showed an interest in things they were interested in but had never even talked about befor ? I fear my girlfriend is a chameleon who adapts to the guy she's with taking on his interests and projecting herself as an individual according to his desires in order to " get the guy" , I don't understand her need to be married or in a relationship so bad that she can't be true to herself , for this reason I often wonder if she puts on an act in front of me but she is a completely different person .
I echo Rosered
Submitted by dweeb on
I am the non-ADD partner, and my newly separated husband is the ADD partner. The biggest issues I had with my husband were that he lied, a lot, about issues that were considered both big and small in my eyes, he rarely contributed as an equal or partner thus constantly prioritizing his needs over mine, and refusing any idea of seeking help for us/him/me/our family.
If I could suggest, it wouldn't be a bad idea to step back to get a firm understanding of yourself. Know what you are willing to let go of, and what you won't, ask yourself if you will have the patience to work on your relationship, and your understanding of ADD, and prepare yourself (at least from my experience), for big ups, and low downs. Remember to keep grounded as well because sometimes it feels like flying through a hurricane with an umbrella.
Also, this may not be accurate for all, but it was for me, if you choose to be with her, be prepared to always have to sacrifice more.