"Just accept it and move on", "do you", "lower your expectrations". What are these? All things I preach about to myself and others when you don't get what you signed on for from your spouse that has ADHD. Yesterday, the other girl showed up, the one that is still human and wants to be nurtured. I send him the usual text in the morning that has to do with something domestic, his reminder, "please deposit the weekly money into the account" since he won't do a recurring deposit. Never get a response. In fact, I never get any communication all day, no text, call, nothing. I am used to this although not happy about it. I call it abnormal normalcy. I get out from work at 4:30 PM, my girlfriend invites me to her house so she can cook for me and hang out. I say yes since the husband gets home late from work. I get home from her house about 9:30 PM and he is home. Now he hasn't bothered to see where I am , if I am ok. I feel unloved, no concern from him and like he just knows I am fine. I walk in and get "hey love! how was your day?" The response I want to give..."you would know that if you kept in touch". I say "fine". He says, "I deposited that money" I say, "so you got my text?" He says yes. Then he says, "you don't look right. What's going on?" Then I have to decide whether its worth talking about it, only to have him say that he sucks. So I told him I was ok and I was going to bed. 25 years of the same stuff wears you out. Eventually, he said that if we are ever going to improve, we have to talk. I told him that I was scared it would be an argument or blame game. So he said he would listen. I told him how I felt when I go away on trips and tell him I got there ok and hours later he responds. I told him how he doesn't initiate and that is why he doesn't SEE my texts. I told him that my family and friends check up on me but he doesn't. He then says that much may not change since its who he is. I then told him that since I have to accept that, maybe I should unlearn being loving, caring, generous- but that is hard to do. I can't be emotionless and flatline and just because he gives me his reason, ADHD, I am STILL in pain. It doesn't make it normal for ME. He then asks if I have read any of the books he has read about his condition, like You Mean I Am Not... I then say "where is the book that explains to YOU how I feel? I didn't get married to not be nurtured, to not be a team, to live as if I were single, to reach out to you with no response" All those books talk about THEIR symptoms. What about US? I told him that this is dangerous since I feel no attention or concern from him but so many others give me attention- dangerous. He said I am important and he does love me. I know that, I don't feel that. I told him I can come and go as I please and he doesn't question in the least. He said he was trying and asked if I have not noticed he is cleaning his garages and room and organizing. Yes, I commended him for that, now what are you doing to make ME feel loved, I asked. He said he didn't feel the need to tell me that. I told him I would gladly tell him what I do DAILY to do my part. He wouldn't even know if I were having an affair. We both were calm, he listened for the first time and even said sorry. WHAT???????????? He wants to do better he said. I just need him to understand that a reason is not an excuse. I continue to try even though I say I don't want to care but I wanted him to know that I still have needs and it is painful to know you don't get what you put into the relationship. we cried, we hugged and I was glad we talked, I kissed him and said goodnight since he stays up til 3AM as an insomniac, went to bed alone. I know things will not change much, I sent him a text right after we spoke and I may as well not have. He came to bed at who knows what time. This morning I got ready for work and he lay there asleep. The loving person in me wants to go into the bedroom and say goodbye but the tired woman says, "once again, it's you doing all the work" He doesn't make an effort to see me off, have breakfast together, nothing, but can spend hours watching tv until 3AM. So I just left for work and kept the energy for myself. It won't bother him anyway although he has said he loves it when I hug him goodbye and tuck him in before I leave. Of course you do because ALL people appreciate feeling needed and special. I do so much to make him feel loved and toasty and the human in me would like the same. Have I accepted? I feel that I am getting there since I can go hours without hearing from him, go out til midnight and not get a call from him. Does it feel ok? Hell no. It is not normal to be married and feel single and depend on your family and friends to make sure you are breathing. I told him that I feel like I am on a work release program and I check in at the prison at night. So, perhaps a day or a week will go by and I will get a bit of attention before it all continues as is. At least I got my feelings out, at least he didn't twist my words, at least we ended on a good note and not in an argument. That makes me feel good that I didn't lose my head in a pointless argument that makes you feel like you are crazy. If he could see my heart, he would be in tears. Everything is about THEIR issue, THEIR symptoms, why THEY act the way they do. If only they could learn compromise- I understand how hard it must be for him, does he see my predicament? If his ADHD is so real and a HUGE deal, why reject professional help or meds? Switch gears and think about the way I feel and the choices that I have in order to deal with your inattentiveness. I am not a robot, I have feelings and have always told you about them and the pain I have. You say I deserve better- I bet if I another man filled my void you would blame me, not you since I have to be faithful til the end right? Before it gets there, please just do a littel bit. Everyone deserves unsolicited love. Listen and learn and stop throwing paragraphs from a book at me- that book is NOT about me. Acceptance will help me to be at peace, it's not fair that I have to accept less than I deserve while he sits there expending no energy on us. Unevenly yoked in the Bible refers to marrying someone that is not sharing your religious beliefs and can drag you down or make you carry most of the weight but the same applies for emotional weight. I would never recommend for a mushy, loving and attentive person that tries to please everyone to be married to someone with ADHD. You will torture yourself wanting what you will not get, even when you beg. So, I got all of that out and I assume that in 2 months, I will have to vent to him again. Each day I will take care of myself more and cultivate my friendships and relationships with my family. It's a natural thing to protect yourself from behavior you are used to and then its a human thing to get fed up that you have to protect yourself from behavor from someone that says you are their world. Rollercoaster is a perfect word to describe our plight. I don't like amusement parks anymore as I get older. I just want a peaceful loving relationship where I don't do ALL the work for someone to tell me they love me. It's like having a boss that doesn't acknowledge you, you work overtime, have no benefits and can't ever go find another job. You are just there for the paycheck. This will be one of the hardest things I will ever have to deal with in my life- it is making me stronger- still a void. So glad I have this forum. He has his books.